[An important note: Caliber takes place in an alternate universe where there are multiple parallel Earths, a variety of fantasy creatures exist, and some Podcasts are Youtube channels instead. Also regular text messages support italics. What a world, eh?]
Ursa parts ways with Merlin and Nora after a short time at a Costa on the other side of town. Upon arriving home, she checks again to see if there’s been any reply to her DM. There hasn’t.
Said DM reads:
‘Hi, thank you so much Alkahest, I didn’t expect you to check out my stuff so quickly! I have to kinda cut through the BS though, we were just ‘approached’ by a Fae, uh, entity (stay away from cute black and white cats!) investigating Montparnasse’s murder and Merlin totally dropped you in it 😒
I tried to cover for you but then I got turned into a mouse 😣 (I’m uh, not a mouse anymore dw)
‘So yeah, I’m so sorry, I know he was a POS in general (and not that I wanted him to die) but he was definitely gonna murder us and I was super grateful that you stopped him. And just for everything you did in the labyrinth?? We wouldn’t have made it through probs if not for you.
‘If there’s anything I can do to help you out or whatever please just let me know!
My number’s 07700 900706 if you ever need it! X
‘P.S My friend Abidallion said you got them a gift, thank you so much, that’s so sweet! (They don’t answer DM’s and asked me to thank you, nothing weird)’
There is, however, an SMS. Well, several.
‘Hey Ursa. You know who it is.
I appreciate the warning. Very much. I know about Cait and I know about the lengths he’d go to get his man. Regular Javert, that one.
Fortunately I don’t think the Fae courts don’t know too much about me yet; although I guess they know enough to send a psychic to sabotage my efforts? I’ll be going to ground. Shan’t be making any public appearances for a little while.
‘Speaking of the Fae, you really don’t need to be grateful. You were just as instrumental in getting through that as I might have been. If not for you, I think Montparnasse would have done way more damage to everyone there.
So yeah, thank you. For the warning, and for the cover, and for the help in the labyrinth.
‘P.S You have cool friends. Love their stuff. They’re in on the whole Outside thing too, right? Seems obvious from their videos, but if not, uh… you might need to have a talk with them.
‘P.P.S Since I’m gonna be in hiding, there aren’t many people I can keep in touch with. What I’m saying is, uh, if I end up messaging you too much let me know. I’m a raconteur at heart, Ursa, and you’ve unfortunately set yourself as the only person that can hear me until further notice. Oops!’
Ursa reads it several times over the course of the day. She composes a response – in a separate app, so as not to inadvertently send a premature reply – and it’s going dark by the time she hits send. It’s Winter, though, so it’s not as bad as you might think.
‘Hi Alkahest, I’m so glad to hear from you, I hope you’re doing ok! Have you dealt with Cait-sìth before? I haven’t had to deal with the courts much (my family were from a world closer to Chaos originally and they’re almost as terrified of the Fae Courts as they are of the institute 😂 (omg no they don’t know I work there, it’d kill them!)) are they always this dick-ish? Cait-sìth left a very bad first impression tbh. And don’t thank me for the cover, even if Merlin hadn’t dropped you in it (UGH I know, I’m still mad) I don’t think Cait was buying it 😩
‘So, are you kinda a big deal in Hell(???)? Or are Fae just super against Fiend unions?
‘If you’re lying low I hope you have some box sets to binge 🤣 Let me know if you want any recs, I know a lot of good YouTubes! Have you got like, food and stuff? Happy to deliveroo you stuff if you need anything 🙂
‘Yeah Abidallion’s like me, we’ve been uh, close for ages. I help them and another Youtuber produce their videos! Maybe we can go out for coffee when all this is over, I know they’d love to meet you! 😊
‘And um, I’m happy to chat any time! I’m between field work at the institute rn, I’m working on some video stuff (some super exciting things in the pipeline, I could probably talk your ears off haha!) but otherwise I’m totally free! And like, I know I seem cool and popular 😎 but I don’t have that many, uh, friends? (Sorry to get too real) Especially not ones who are in on the whole Outside stuff so its just really nice to talk with someone who gets it I guess? So yeah, raconteur away, I’m 100% here for it! 😊’
It feels more like writing a letter than sending a text. Perhaps because she has a lot to say. Perhaps because she doesn’t know when she’ll receive a response.
As it turns out, she receives a response three days, one hour, and eighteen minutes later.
‘Cait’s got a reputation. I technically haven’t had to deal with the Summer Court specifically, but they really don’t like me ’cause of a couple deals I made with the Winter Court a few years back. Your folks are probably right to be afraid of them; if they get it in their heads you’re against them, they tend to… hold a grudge. Cait-sìth’s whole dog-with-a-bone modus operandi is a pretty good example of their whole thing.
‘I am decidedly not any kind of big deal though. And there’s no such thing as Hell.
‘You know, I’ve never binged a box set. Usually I read – that’s not me trying to impress you with my erudition – so yes, please give me recommendations. See, that gives me stuff to try out, and I get to hear about what you like. My evil plan to learn more about you is coming to fruition, mwa ha ha.
‘Foodwise, I’m ok. You don’t need to send me things! And anyway I can’t give you my location or I’d be pretty bad at this hiding out thing. If I tell you where I am it’ll be because I’m desperate for company, not the baozi you’d be bringing.’
Approximately half an hour passes, during which time Ursa has had to go and lie down with her face buried in her pillow. She feels like her blush will paint the walls crimson if she doesn’t hide her face.
Her phone pings again.
‘Hey I just looked up what “Deliveroo” is and I initially thought it was just a cute way of saying “deliver” so please disregard the assumption that it’d be you personally bringing things.’
There’s another delay of two or three hours before another text comes through. Ursa contemplates if Alkahest is embarrassed, and is trying to smooth things over. She dismisses this as ‘reading too much into it’. She checks her phone again.
‘I’m happy to chat too if you want, even if it’s just via text like this is? Speaking of friends, I did get the vibes that Merlin and Nora weren’t exactly… fun to be around. But fuck them; I like talking to you! Please, take comfort in the fact that a literal Demon thinks of you as their friend. Congratulations!
‘You mentioned chatting about Outside stuff – feel free to send me any like, questions or whatever you might have? If you’re having difficulties finding info I mean. And let me know if you get in any more trouble on my behalf.’
Ursa decides the sensible thing to do is go to bed and send her reply in the morning. Her first draft is finished at about 2am.
‘Hearing about catshit is making me think that maybe I should have listened to my parents’/grandparents’ warnings 😱
‘*Sorry typo Cait-sìth (autocorrect showing how I REALLY feel) 🤣
‘Is there much of a difference between Winter and Summer courts? I haven’t met any Winter guys but they’re always portrayed as the baddies (and these summer guys seem pretty shitty already)
What kinda deals were you making? I don’t mean to pry but you’re like, a literal centuries old (omg I must seem like a literal child to you 🤡) Demon!!!! You must have so many cool stories!!!! Biography now please! Maybe its just because I haven’t met many Outsiders but you definitely seem like a big deal to me.’
Good. A casual response; brief, normal. Yes.
‘Ok so recs!! I have two moods when I watch stuff, hardcore crime/drama or goofy fantasy/sci fi 🤣
So for crime and stuff: (live action) Broadchurch
How to Get Away with Murder
(Animated) Death Note
Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood (I dunno if you’ve watched much anime but these two are my faves!)
And goofy fantasy: (live action) BBC’s Merlin (Not the gnome!) (I once said ‘for the love of Camelot’ on stream but luckily nobody noticed) 🤣
The Witcher (not so much goofy but just really good!)
The Xeons (old 90s scifi/fantasy, Greek myths IN SPACE, I loved this as a kid, I have all the boxsets and they’re a comfy watch! Really bad, but I love them) 🤣
Most Trek is good too, can’t beat good old Picard!
‘As for Youtubes (obviously mine is the best har har) but I like: MFM (my favourite murder: two sassy women talk about murder and comedy), You’re Wrong About (talk about misconceptions in society e.g Stockholm syndrome, crack babies etc), 99% Invisible (design and how it affects all bits of life) and Criminal (about criminals but like interesting?)
‘I’d really like to read more, I’m super slow and get distracted easily (videos are much better for me!) So please give me your recs! I’d love to read some stuff you like 😊
Abadallion reads a lot, though they like weirder stuff than I can handle 🤣 Their recs are: The Seven Deaths of Evelyn Hardcastle, The Secret of Ventriloquism, The Strange Library, The Dead House. They’re not into movies or shows really but have a soft spot for Over the Garden Wall (I like that one too!)’
Maybe that was too many recommendations? She’s being extra again. Well, she’s done now, so that was that. You can’t unsend a text!
She eyes her phone’s home screen for a moment. Actually, she’d forgotten to address the Deliveroo thing. One more text, then.
‘Omg, I’m sorry I didn’t even think!!! I would be the worst fugitive, immediately getting caught because I wanted takeout. 🤣 Cooking is really hard for me because I can only really make breakfast? And desserts? Not ideal for like, a lockdown situation. One of my um, personas is good at cooking but its all nutritional, healthy blah kinda stuff, I can only eat salad so many days in a row 🤪’
There. Sorted.
She put her phone on charge by her bedside table, and got on with some video editing.
But… had she really addressed the Deliveroo thing? She’d more just addressed the concept of food. One more text then, she decides. And look! Her phone is already in her hands so she might as well!
‘Obvs if I could teleport (in a way that was undetectable to nasty cats) I would already be there with baozi 😘’
Yeah, perfect. A hypothetical that nevertheless confirms that he shouldn’t be embarrassed about thinking she’d turn up with food! A reassurance that his safety was important! A little kissy face because, uh…
Oh no.
You can’t unsend a text!!! Ursa spends the next hour curled into a ball repeating this phrase. You can’t! Unsend! A text!
The only thing for it is to send five more texts. Ursa’s fingers are a blur. The tapping sounds like a million monkeys putting together the sequel to Hamlet.
‘As for Merlin and Nora, I was really excited when we all started working together, (Nora especially, she was so suave and cool!!! But then she had a gun and was scary!!!!) but things are going really downhill rn. They’re arguing a lot as well so the whole team feels like it’s falling apart 🙄
‘Merlin I’ve known for a while, he’s a bit dry, but I feel like I’m seeing his true colours a bit? I think he thinks he’s like, saved me from the Fae, but they still know I spelled Montparnasse, so literally no one has benefited?????? 🤷♀️
‘And Nora… Nora has something weird going on. I think she’s made a pact with like… something? Montparnasse was really frightened of it. It’s hard to talk to her, like, she just always tells me we’re not friends (like, multiple times) and that she doesn’t trust anyone and just wants to do her own thing. Which is like, fine cool whatever, but really hurts also too?
‘And I guess I’m like, why should I put in the effort with these people when they clearly won’t for me? I dunno. I’m super jaded when it comes to relationships. I spend a lot of time assessing what people do for me/what I do for them. Most the time it just seems better to uh, not bother. I haven’t dated in like, six years because it just doesn’t seem worth the hassle and the inevitable breakup 💀
‘So yeah, Merlin and Nora aren’t super fun and I’m royally fucked up 🙃’
She’d perfectly obfuscated her mistake with a smokescreen of oversharing. GOOD JOB, URSA. It was fine. She just needed to clarify.
‘Sorry, I keep getting too real, I hate the trope of ‘oh I feel like I can really talk to you’ but here I am anyway! 🙃 Maybe its cause I know you’re stuck listening to me hahaha’
Yes! …No.
‘Anyway, um, Outsider stuff! I’ve been doing a bunch of research in general for the Institute and I was reading about Demons (and like other ones too, dw nothing weird) and it said Demons have a true form? Can I ask about yours? I 100% get if you don’t wanna talk about it though, I would die if anyone saw my base form, its literally been like 20 years 🤣
‘Also, um, sorry if this is offensive, are Demons and Devils the same? The internet uses them interchangeably 🙄
‘Um and any tips for Infernal? I think I’m getting it all wrong 🤣 I’ll show you, one sec!’
Ursa sends a video clip of her trying to say ‘Hi, how are you?’ in Infernal. She’s doing badly and she knows it; more than 80% of the clip’s length is her just laughing at her own struggle with laryngeal consonants.
‘It’s so funny how you were like ‘oh I might message too much’ but uh, anyone would think I’m writing a book omg
‘Pls just tell me to shut up if I’m annoying haha’
Alkahest’s reply is much quicker this time. Ursa wonders if he began typing it when her first message reached him, and has since been extending it to address each of her addendums in turn.
‘You’re not a baby; time is weird for Fiends anyway. I don’t remember a lot of my life, tbh. Like, a lot of Fiends are barely sentient until they hit a century or so. Think like a feral, Death-aligned baby.
‘Uh, closer to Chaos, the Fae are all assholes who only care about stories, so they live for drama. The difference is that the Summer Court think they’re the heroes, and the Winter Court revel in the fact that they’re the villains.
‘Thank you for the recommendations! I will find them on a legal streaming service and watch them legally, without doing anything illegal. Fuck Picard though, I’m a Sisko man myself.
‘Why don’t you and I go for sushi or something, when the heat’s died down? We can do like, a book club but for shows and stuff. No idea how long it’ll be, though, so I may need more recommendations before then. If I somehow manage to get through Abidallion’s nightmare-level book suggestions, I mean.
‘It’s probably a bit out of step for me to comment on your colleagues, but like you said, it did feel a bit like they… don’t worry about other people in the way you seem to be worrying about them. Nora seems practical to the point of ruthlessness. I can respect that. Maybe try seeing her outside of work; see if she’s mellower without her game face on? As for Merlin, he was pretty Infernaphobic, to coin a stupid word. Not much else to say there.
‘Maybe assessing what people do for you is a good thing, yeah? Being selfish is a good thing, actually. It’s a survival instinct. Live deliciously.
‘And not all breakups are inevitable, Ursa. You know that, deep down, I think.’
Ursa reread that last one more than once.
‘Look at me, fuckin’ life coach here! 🎃
‘Wait fuck wrong one uh
‘Ignore that pumpkin please
‘Anyway, Ursa, you can’t just ask a Fiend his true form!!! 😳
‘I am of course yankin’ your chain. The Institute is right. Though all of my forms are just as “true” as the others, so it’s a bit of a misnomer. But if I need to access my, uh, full power, then yeah I can’t stay in this shape. If you saw me in full Demon mode you’d shit your pants, though. I bet your base form is nothing to worry about!
‘Demons and Devils are not exactly the same, no. Similar, but Cosmically, Demons are Chaos leaning, and Devils are more Lawful. Devils also are usually, uh… meatier than Demons, in the “true forms” you were asking about. More physical. And there’s some history – thousands of years ago, wayyy before your world had the doors opened – of a massive war between the two, so some Fiends will be touchy about it. But it doesn’t bother a modern man like myself.’
After that is a video message. In it, Alkahest is sat with his back to a window, curtains mostly closed. Through the gap, Ursa can see a snatch of what looks like the ocean, and a little stretch of grey, winter beach. Alkahest grins and takes a deep breath; it looks like he’s been laughing.
‘Okay, it’s more like…’ he says, before switching to Infernal and repeating her attempt. He wipes a tear from his eye and grins even wider. ‘You sounded like a farmer!’
Ursa takes a little while before checking further messages, as she has to Google ‘can someone see how many times you watch a video they sent?’
‘What’s with the interest in learning a new language? Surely it’s not for little old me?
‘And Ursa, why would I ever want you to shut up? You’re obviously a delight.’
Ursa spends the next hour drawing something, because she is a genius. She takes a picture of it and sends it onto Alkahest with the caption ‘Feral death-aligned baby?????’.
It looks like Kirby but with angry eyebrows. It’s holding a knife. There’s an arrow pointing outwards at a stick figure Alkahest – toothy grin, a wiggle of hair and he’s… winking? She isn’t sure why she had him winking. Then another arrow leading to a big, shadowy silhouette, covered in eyes, with four long, tentacular arms.
‘I’ve discovered your secret; YOU’RE A DIGIMON! 🤣🤣🤣 And I won’t shit my pants unless its gross, in which case I may barf. I still have nightmares about that… ceiling bulge from the Ikea office 🤢🤢🤢🤢
‘Sisko? I haven’t even watched Deep Space Nine, I will get right on that! Sushi sounds great, you might have to recommend a place though. Do you like ramen? I know somewhere AMAZING for ramen. My treat, hopefully soon 🤞
‘I have loads more recs, so don’t worry, but you have to rec me your favourite book!
‘I think you’re right about Nora, I should try and be more social out of work and see what happens then. Apparently she’s only really worked alone before so maybe that makes it harder for her?
‘I like thinking of it as a survival instinct, that makes me feel better. And, you’re probs right again, logically not all relationships end in breakups, I guess I’m just scared they do. In my defence, 100% of mine have ended that way 🤣 (1 out of 1 is still 100%, REALLY parting the veil now!) 🙈🙈🙈
‘🎃🎃🎃🎃 Halloween is best holiday. I will fight ANYONE on that.
‘Thank you for the Demon/Devil clarification! There’s so much I don’t know ’bout the Outside (I mean trying to Sleep a Fae? Come on Ursa, how embarrassingggg 🙈) I don’t want to cause an interdimensional incident because I say the wrong thing 🙃’
Next, Ursa records another video. She repeats what Alkahest has said in Infernal. It sounds good, but hurts her throat a little. ‘I think that was better,’ she says in English. ‘Hopefully less like a farmer!’
She attempts another phrase in Infernal – ‘Can I offer you a drink’ – but butchers it and laughs for what feels like a solid month. ‘And obviously I’m learning a whole new language especially for little old you,’ she says. ‘It’s not like I have a job where having multiple languages would be helpful!’
She rolls her eyes and laughs. Her face looks very red on the tiny screen, she notes.
‘I’m already fluent in Sylvan, and I’m not bad at Gnomish,’ says Ursa, ‘Although I only learned Gnomish to see if Merlin would give me a discount on building my website. Spoilers, he didn’t.’
There’s a little silence as Ursa thinks of how to word what she wants to say. She’s twisting a lock of hair between her thumb and forefinger; a nervous tick she doesn’t know she has. ‘It’s, um, really nice hearing you laugh. I really hope this all blows over soon so we can go out–‘
She realises what she’s said and laughs uproariously, attempting to backtrack as her whole head turns a transcendental shade of pink.
‘Uh, hang out, in person I mean, omg, you know what I meant.’
She watches it back and no, no, that won’t do. She makes a second attempt. It’s worse than the first one. A third attempt. Worse. Fourth. Even worse.
After her seventh attempt – the one in which she breaks down and actually confesses her undying love for some reason – Ursa decides to give up and just send the first one.
Then it’s time for curling into a ball and shrieking ‘You can’t unsend a text!‘ for a few hours. Normal, well-adjusted stuff. She eventually plucks up the courage to see if her messages had been read. There’s a one line response.
‘Oh, I know what you meant, Ursa.’
Back to the unsend-a-text ball, then!!!!!!!
Ursa can’t stand the idea of looking at her phone for a while. And besides, Alkahest is probably drafting a thoughtful, in-depth response to her verbal flailings.
But there are no further messages that day. Ursa wonders if he’s waiting for her response, and falls asleep before she can figure out what said response should be.
She wakes just after midnight. Her phone screen is lit up; the message alert is probably what caused her to stir. It’s a video.
In it, Alkahest stands, a bit dishevelled, covered in dirt and dried blood, in the same room as the previous video. He’s breathing heavily. There’s a pile of what look like the remains of thick, thorny vines on the floor around him.
He grins at the camera. ‘Sorry, Ursa, didn’t mean to leave you hanging like that.’
His sleeve comes up to wipe his forehead, leaving a red smear on the fabric. ‘They found me; sent Assassin Vines. No biggie. I’m moving onto another safehouse. So I’ll be going dark for a couple days probably. Thought it was important to let you know. Don’t want you to worry.’
There’s a barking coming from outside, tinny and weird on the phone’s speaker. Alkahest frowns. ‘Blink Dogs?’
The grin returns, and he winks. ‘Time for me to digivolve, I guess.’
There’s a flicker and the phone drops to the floor. For just a single frame, Ursa can see a shadowy something in Alkahest’s place, and the barking is much louder. The video ends.
Ursa replies immediately.
‘Holy shit, omg, please let me know you’re ok when you can!!!!!!!!!!’
She replies again less than an hour later.
‘Also how dare you be so fucking cool when talking about digimon, fuck you, don’t you dare fucking die!!!!!’
And again an hour after that.
‘I don’t think there’s any way I can help but if there is please just call. Anything at all.’
She doesn’t remember sending the one after that.
‘Fuck I hope you’re ok’
⁂
Three days later, Alkahest sends a new video. He’s smiling, but he looks very tired. ‘Hey Ursa. I’m ok. Long few days.’
He stretches and rolls his shoulders. You can see a bit of the room he’s in; green Victorian wallpaper and a smoky, dusty atmosphere. There’s a closed door with a light on in the room beyond it.
‘I’m good, though. Thank you for keeping me company,’ he says, uncharacteristically somber. ‘Hope you weren’t too worried.’
Ursa has begun typing a reply before the video, brief as it is, even finishes playing. The wait has not been unturbulent for her.
‘I’m so glad you’re ok (well you look knackered, but like, in one piece, so that’s the main thing)! I hope you weren’t hurt too much!!!!
‘How much is too worried? I feel like I was an appropriate amount of worried, considering the circumstances.
‘I’m probably overthinking, but could the Fae track you through these texts? Catshit was pretty clear on his aversion to tech, but I dunno.
‘This is so rough for you, I’m so sorry, I wish there was more I could do 😫 And don’t thank me omg, my company is a pretty shitty consolation prize for all this!’
Alkahest doesn’t reply. The messages aren’t even marked as read. She wonders if he’s gotten rid of his phone? Surely he’d have told her if that were the case, right?
A couple of days later, she sends a video. She’s not entirely certain if it’s for his benefit or her own.
Ursa squints at herself through the phone camera before hitting record. She definitely doesn’t look as sparkly as normal. Fairly substantial bags under her eyes. Her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes, but then again, she always feels like that’s the case.
‘Heyyyyy,’ she says after a moment. ‘Sorry, I think I sounded really… off in those last messages. I really, really am glad you’re ok. Just… I dunno, its nothing, sorry.’
She rubs her eye. On the screen, she might have been wiping a tear, or maybe just rubbing her eye. The ambiguity is reassuring.
‘So um, I have another field assignment so I might be a bit quiet for a few days. I know right, how will you manage without all these essays from me?’
Her smile is an obvious effort.
‘Anyway, I just wanted you to know, even if I’m busy, um, like, just ring me. If you need anything. Like anything. Not that I’d drop everything but, uh, yeah, I will, haha.
‘Keep me posted on how you are, yeah? I’ll um, try and do the same.’
She puts her phone back into her bag.
Roll History 