Caliber ALLSTARS Session 1: The Man Who Fell to Fulcrum

As our story begins, we first take in the world upon which our story takes place. We see it now, the earth, the Fulcrum earth, at the very centre of the axes. Copies of it in infinite lines disappear towards the darkened edges of reality.

The lens flickers, and the copies vanish. We’re only human, after all, and we only know of the fulcrum itself, not of the outside worlds. But it’s still a big world, of course, with a lot in it we don’t know about.

After the atom bomb and the arrival of magic, the connection to the outside worlds, the signing of the inside accords and the establishment of the Caliber Institute—along with the other groups that splintered from it worldwide—history more or less resumed as we in the audience might expect. Wars still occurred, technology still advanced. Measles was cured. Japan’s economic miracle happened. The moon landings still happened in 1969.

Speaking of which… our view of the earth is eclipsed somewhat, as the dark side of the moon pushes its way further into frame like a disobedient child in a family photo. But we also see, at the centre of the South Pole-Aitken basin, something incongruous: almost like a coral reef, dripping upwards with chromatic aberration, with a clearly man-made station circling it on all sides.

Within its clean and sterile walls, we see several uniformed employees operating consoles, taking measurements of energy readings that are ostensibly being filtered through this coral-like structure. Charts on the walls seem to be mapping infinitesimal changes to the brightness of the sun. There are stars-and-stripes patches on the uniform shoulders.

In another room, a line of pads suspiciously similar to a transporter room from Star Trek, though with esoteric runes carved into the walls and equipment. In another, a number of tables with a group of people not in uniforms but in clothes they’ve obviously been wearing for a while sat signing stacks of consent forms. One seat is empty; its occupant clearly having spent less time reading the documents than signing them.

We see what can reasonably be assumed to be this person in another room, one with a glass partition in its centre and each of the room’s other occupants behind it. One of them speaks through an intercom, while the others variously press buttons, pull levers, and note things on clipboards.

‘We will now begin flooding the chamber with the theoretical energy referred to in the documentation, signed by Subject 001 here, as “Kavod Radiation”.’

There comes a beep, then the mechanical sound of shielding being retracted. The glass partition darkens, as the test chamber and its single occupant is bathed in strange moires and chromatic light. Another of the scientists actually crosses themselves.

‘If you could give us a full description of your symptoms. So, a couple things I wanna go through on our Kavod radiation checklist, first, how long until your skin starts to burn, then, how long until you go blind, and of course how long until you die… if you die we can of course adjust the exposure for the next subject, so don’t worry too much about that.’

Someone with a clipboard nudges them.

‘Of course, we may have gotten the dosage just right on the very first try! Wouldn’t that be something? We have a different checklist if that miraculously happens to be—’

Subject 001 doesn’t hear the rest of the sentence, as Subject 001 has died.

The assembled scientists berate their subject for going non-verbal, having not yet noticed that his eyes have changed colour and his posture is unnaturally still. They reactivate the shielding and mark the test as a failure.

The Kavod Radiation does not dissipate as the safety protocols are reenacted, but for some reason it’s no longer measurable by their instruments. As such the first inkling the scientists have that something is wrong is when the glass partition folds itself open like a paper envelope, and several of the scientists turn inside-out.

The entity now crammed into the emptied-out body of Subject 001 tilts its head in confusion, the neck giving a gristly snap as it breaks. Its joints crack and pop as it realises they can be moved. It’s loud here, and a hand—now backwards on its wrist—goes up to the organs that allow it to hear. For the first time, the entity experiences pain.

One of the employees has triggered an alarm, and it blares away as they cower in the corner, watching the thing that’s wearing Subject 001’s body step haltingly through the blood and viscera toward them.

But roughly around this time, it’s about two in the morning in the city of Middlemarch, England. A woman with a pink outfit and an anxious expression sits in a comfortable chair in the Caliber Institute. Across from her sits a minotaur with the buttons on his shirt straining to keep his bulk contained, as well as a tie featuring a picture of Garfield from Garfield.

‘Now, Ursa,’ says the minotaur, Cepheus. ‘I know you aren’t approved for fieldwork, and the last time you, uh. Snuck out, things did not go to plan.’

Behind Ursa’s eyes, a vision plays out of her having tagged along with Nora and Merlin when she wasn’t supposed to, and specifically of her trying to cast sleep on a Fae, failing to remember the Fae’s immunity to such spells, and getting knocked out for her trouble. Merlin and Nora had needed to get her medical attention, and had botched their job as a result. In the present, Ursa sinks a little further into her seat.

‘But this is a job that requires someone who can mingle in a social setting, and there’s no danger. There’s an underground auction tonight, hosted by several parties with an interest in, ah, privately funded projects. The Institute has something of a blind-eye policy for them, since they serve their respective communities pretty well and don’t cause much trouble. It’s a working relationship.’

Ursa nods at this. She wants to appear eager. She is eager, to be fair, but she wants to be obvious about it.

‘As such, the Institute has received an invite for a representative to attend. Usually we don’t feel the need to do so, but there’s an item—lot 616—that we need to–‘

‘That we need to steal,’ Ursa finishes smoothly, still nodding.

Cepheu pauses. ‘Uh. No. We need to see who purchases it, and–‘

‘And steal it from them. Got it.’

‘Again, no. Lot 616 is simply an item we want to know the whereabouts of. You aren’t to steal anything. Nor are you to try and buy anything either.’

Ursa considers this. ‘Ok,’ she says, and is quiet for about a third of a second. ‘But what if there’s something the Institute will really want to get.’

Cepheus seems somewhat blindsided by this line of enquiry, and cedes some ground. ‘Like what?’

‘I dunno. Like. A doomsday weapon or something. Or like if they’re trafficking people.’

‘They aren’t trafficking people. We’d know. They once tried to sell a unicorn and we had to put a halt to–‘

‘WHAT IF THERE’S A UNICORN THERE?!’

‘Please don’t buy any unicorns, Ursa. Just go, observe who buys lot 616, and report back.’

‘Okay but for real, what if it’s something really important and I have to bring it back here?’

Cepheus hesitates, before reaching into the taut top pocket of his shirt. From this, he retrieves a pair of round spectacles, and extends the temples of them telescopically to hook them over his horns. He looks closely at a sheet of paper on his desk.

‘You’ll be fired,’ he says, before immediately putting the glasses away.

‘Alright, okay, I get it. You want me to get like, a video on my phone? Irrefutable evidence?’

‘Oh, actually, about that,’ says Cepheus. ‘There are wards on the building that will render your phone inoperable, so you’ll just have to remember.’

A surge of panic lances through Ursa’s heart. ‘What, like. It’ll brick my phone?’

‘Temporarily… yes?’

‘I don’t wanna be offline though; what if I get cancelled and I don’t respond in time?!’

‘Cancelled on what?’

‘Youtube,’ says Ursa, forgetting that she hasn’t exactly told anyone about her videos or her channels.

‘Oh.’ Cepheus’ impressive brow furrows as his tone becomes incredulous. ‘Yeah, uh, my wife sometimes watches that. I think she likes, uh, Mr. Beast? Do you know that guy?’

‘No, Cepheus, I—why would I know Mr. Beast?’

‘Well if you’re on the same channel as him?’

‘No, I… I have my own channel, it’s… never mind.’ Ursa gives up. ‘I’ll head over to the thing.’

Cepheus slides her a map. It’s the same sheet he peered at earlier, and has a bit of info on the event and a pin for its location. It does not mention getting fired. Apparently Cepheus was just doing a bit. Very funny.

‘And Ursa…’ says Cepheus, as she’s getting up to leave. ‘You really don’t have to go into fieldwork if it’s not the right fit. You’ve got a lot of talents that might be better spent elsewhere, you know? I can talk to the Director on your behalf, if you want…?’

Ursa resolves to use this evening to prove she’s more than capable of working in the field. She just needs to get a few things first.

The entity now in what was subject 001’s body lies on the floor of the lunar facility. It had been walking instinctually, but when trying to observe the electrical impulses causing the body’s legs to move, it panicked and shut them down. The body had slammed down face first.

The alarms going off are very loud, and the fluorescent lighting is painfully bright. The mouth formerly belonging to Subject 001 opens and from it spews an inky, oily substance that spills across the floor, mixing black with the red left behind by the last two people to approach. It shimmers and shifts with a distinct disregard for concepts like ‘fluid dynamics’. If one were to put their hand in, they would find it much deeper a pool than it had any means of being.

Subject 001’s hands avoid the pool though, instead dragging the body across the floor towards a section of the facility where the lights aren’t quite as glaring. One of the creatures that look like the body the entity is now inside had tried to stay calm upon running across it, and made some sounds that it recognised as an attempt to communicate. Almost like the changes in the stars that were so familiar. But the entity had concentrated too hard on trying to understand, and the creature’s head had twisted into an unpleasant shape.

More bits are soaking into the medical scrubs Subject 001’s body is wearing.

A shout comes from the other end of the corridor it’s crawling through. Two more of the creatures, with similar clothes to the ones before. They’re holding long, grey metal objects that flash at the ends and make an even louder sound than the alarm. Smaller objects are fired from them towards Subject 001’s body, but are unraveled into gases before they make contact. The creatures, similarly, are unraveled.

The body staggers to its feet, so that its hands can be used to cover its ears. It continues on.

Ursa has made her way up to the Institute’s R&D department, with the intention of getting some way of recording the auction later on.

Inside, a tinny voice can be heard, as if from a phone speaker. Presumably because it’s coming from some kind of phone speaker.

Babygirl, where are you?’

…says a small, masculine, somewhat piercing voice.

‘Uh. Emva? Are you here?’ says Ursa, feeling as though she’s an archeologist cracking open a tomb best left undisturbed.

‘AUGH’ says Emva, locking her phone and stuffing it into her pocket. Then, ‘Hey, Ursa, how’s it hanging?’

Ursa decides not to make a remark, and instead allow Emva to save some face after being walked in on while watching boyfriend ASMR. ‘Hey Emva, listen, I’ve actually got to go to this auction thing later, and I need to record it, but apparently they’re gonna brick my phone while I’m in there? Which seems rude, but whatever I guess. Do you have anything magical I could maybe use to record events instead?’

Emva’s teeth appear in a sort of vicious grin. ‘Ah, well. It seems we’ve both got something the other one wants, don’t we?’

‘Do we?’

‘We do,’ says Emva, leaning forward intensely. ‘Cepheus told me you’re on the Youtube. With a certain Mr. Beast.’

Ursa finds herself looking up to the heavens with a sort of pleading affect. ‘No, Emva, I already told Cepheus, I’m not–‘

”Cause I wanna meet him. You sort that out for me I’ll getcha anything you want.’

‘Just because I’m on Youtube doesn’t mean I…’ Ursa tries, before trailing off upon taking note of the slightly disturbed look in Emva’s eyes. ‘Actually. Yes. Yes I’m close personal friends with Mr. Beast.’

‘I knew it!!’

‘Yep, me and…’ At this point Ursa realises she has no idea what his actual name is, but trundles on regardless. ‘…Mr. go way back. I could give him a call if you wanted, have him here in the next few minutes.’

Emva’s already wide eyes light up like the last living moments of a deer on the motorway. ‘Wait for real? Ok. Ok. I need a sec to get changed, hold on…’

Minutes later, Ursa—having sprinted to the nearest Primark only to have to settle for a shirt with Mr. Beast’s face on it and a pair of ripped jorts, and copying them with her shiftweave—wears Mr. Beast’s face not only on her outfit but on her actual, changeling head as well.

Emva, too, is wearing a new shirt. It reads “PLEASE GIVE ME MONEY”.

‘Hey there Emva,’ says Ursa Beast, in her best approximation of a voice she’s never actually heard. ‘I’m just in town to film my latest uh social experiment, where I make two men eat poisonous mushrooms for cash! And my good friend Ursa called and said you were a big fan, so I thought I’d–‘

‘Listen here,’ says Emva, reminding Ursa oddly of Liam Neeson in Taken. ‘I need money. My husband, he’s an… elf and he’s very sick. And so is my son. They’re both sick, and both elves, and also my husband needs money for his top surgery, and my sister has a special disease that means she needs to eat platinum coins or she’ll turn into a cursed oak.’ She gestures at the slogan on her shirt.

Ursa Beast isn’t entirely certain how to process all that. ‘Uh. Emva, I’m not very um liquid right now. All my money is tied up in…’ Her ability to bluff fails her. ‘…Tax fraud.’

The pleading expression Emva is wearing distorts. ‘And with that… I fucking got ya.’ She produces a phone from her pocket, which has a recording app on the screen. ‘And don’t even think about trying to delete the evidence, because thanks to this little thing, it’s tamperproof, even by magic.’

She flips the phone to reveal what looks a lot like a barnacle stuck to its back, only made of a strange, almost glassy material that distorts the light into red and blue around it.

‘Uh. What is that?’ asks Ursa Beast, backing towards the exit.

‘Courtesy of a friend of mine in America, who sent it for me to take a look at. It negates magic. So even the fortune-manipulating powers of the Beast won’t get that recording.’

‘Hold on, I don’t have powers–‘

‘AS SUCH: I expect to be invited onto the next Beast Game. And I expect to win.’

Ursa Beast considers this. ‘Um. Okay?’

Emva claps her hands together, and immediately removes the shirt to reveal a bikini top that reads “I’M” on one half and “RICH” on the other.

When regular Ursa returns to the room—and through a freak magical coincidence the shirt with the Face of the Beast has transformed into a shirt with her own face on it—Emva thanks her for the opportunity.

‘I fucking got him,’ she says. ‘Gonna be in the money very soon.’

‘Oh,’ says Ursa. ‘Why does your top say “RICH I’M”?’

‘I fucked up on the print. Anyway. You needed a way to keep your phone from being magicked, right? Funny coincidence!’

She pries the barnacle from the back of her phone and hands it to Ursa, who takes it with a bit of disdain. Luckily her phone is in a case, so she doesn’t have to stick it on directly. ‘Thanks for this, Emva. Oh, and uh Mr. Beast saw me on his way out and he says he never wants to speak to me again? What did you do?’

‘I fucking got him,’ says Emva again.

The scent of something familiar drifts into the entity’s awareness. A kind of power in the air that feels almost comforting, like a jellyfish detecting salt being added to a freshwater environment it’s been dumped in.

It steps with great effort in the direction of the feeling, coming eventually to a branch. One way leads to a larger chunk of whatever power it is, but at the same time through a brighter corridor with an alarm still going off. The other, a smaller thread, seems to lead through a room with strange symbols on the walls and circular pads on the floor. More importantly: it’s dark right now.

The entity practically falls in that direction, willing whatever that feeling is to pull it homeward. Beneath Subject 001’s foot, the teleporter pad flares to life.

Ursa loiters at the bar in the auction’s event space. She’s dressed in a fairly nice outfit, made her way to the Oxford Theatre, greeted the bouncer at the door and made her way to a basement where the actual auction is taking place. A mass of folding chairs in the centre of the room contains any number of powerful, presumably dangerous people.

Ursa is drinking an espresso martini and trying her best not to let anyone notice that she’s on her phone.

She goes into a bit of a blind panic when she notices that one of the attendees is standing beside her at the bar.

‘Hey can I get a uhhh old fashioned? Cheers.’ He’s wearing a white suit with a black undershirt. It matches his eyes. When he spots that Ursa’s staring he flashes her a smile, revealing a set of extremely sharp teeth.

’You here by yourself?’ he asks.

Oh god. Just act natural. ‘Yep! How about you? Are you looking for anything fun?’ Fuck!!! ‘In the auction. I mean. To buy in the auction.’

The man snickers and downs his drink, licking his lips with an extremely long tongue. ‘I’ll maybe see you around, huh?’

Why the fuck did you say that Ursa what is wrong with you?

Ursa flushes and shifts her gaze to the auction itself, which has just sold some sort of homophobic magic urn or something. Next up is lot 616, actually, and luckily by then the guy has made his way back to his seat, beside a woman who looks a lot like him.

‘What the fuck was that,’ Ursa asks herself, waiting for her pulse to drop.

‘Lot 616,’ announces the auctioneer. ‘Is the Infernomicon of Iggwilv, a tome of apocalyptic power containing many sealed-away entities. Shall we start the bidding at five million?’

Immediately, a bald man with brown skin and flowers tattooed on his head raises a paddle to place a bid, as simultaneously a somewhat greenish woman on the opposite side of the room does the same. A furious bidding war ensues.

When the dust settles, it seems the woman has won. The lot is purchased for 1.2 billion pounds. The bald man snaps his paddle in two and gets up to leave.

There’s a flash of blue light, a crack of thunderous force that sends showers of plaster tumbling from the ceiling. Suddenly the entity from the lunar base tears itself through a hole in space, emerging into our reality and warping physics around it like an iron ball on a rubber sheet.

Eldritch puissance bleeds from it, sending the crowd of bidders scurrying for shelter. It hangs aloft in the air like a nightmare. None looking upon it have even the slightest hope of comprehending its true nature.

This is because it’s still trapped in the body of Subject 001, and as such just seems to be a normal, if slightly unsettling, man. It falls face-first straight downwards, experiencing the Earth’s gravity for the first time, and smashes a number of chairs. It does not get up.

As the attendees scatter, most of them going for the stairs, but some—the guy in white and black and his companion, Ursa notes—head for the back room behind the auction. Ursa pays little attention to it, though, pushing her way against the crowd towards the man who’s just landed here. ‘Move, move,’ she says as she shoulder-checks the bald guy. ‘Can’t you see he’s hurt?!’

The man who somehow teleported in is wearing medical scrubs, and is covered in gore. Some of it is dry and crusted on, but most of it is still wet. There’s an oily black stain around his mouth, like he’s been drinking, or maybe vomiting, tar.

‘Hey. Hey, can you hear me?’ Ursa asks.

The man is writhing in apparent agony, covering his ears. Almost instinctually, Ursa casts silence on the area around them.

She’s relieved to see the man’s painful contortions calm somewhat, and she reaches out to shift him into the recovery position. As her hand gets close, she feels an unfathomable chill against her skin, and a blistering heat against her leg—the barnacle is practically glowing when she retrieves her phone from her bag. Like a heat sink, almost.

It’s at this point she notices that the man isn’t breathing, and she tries to talk him through a breathing exercise. She has to mime it in the bubble of silence, but the man copies her and after a moment, sits up. All this time, the entity didn’t realise what the lungs in the body were for.

A security guard from one of the auction attendees’ retinues makes his way towards them, shouting something that’s eaten up by the silence. When they don’t reply, he draws a weapon and comes closer still before collapsing into a pile of wet, fleshy string.

‘OH, okay,’ says Ursa, though no sound comes out. ‘Okay. That’s not good. Um. Hey. Hey, everyone’s leaving, you’re safe.’

The entity looks at her mouth moving. Again, it recognises the attempt to communicate, the use of language. The brain of Subject 001 spoke this language, actually, and parts of it light up in recognition. It’s quiet enough now for the entity to realise this.

It reaches out, and a voice arrives in Ursa’s mind without bothering to take a diversion through her ears beforehand.

Where,’ it asks.

‘Oh my god,’ thinks Ursa. ‘Okay. You’re in the Oxford Theatre.’

This does not elicit a response.

‘In Middlemarch?’ tries Ursa.

Still no recognition. ‘Where.’

‘Uh, England? The UK? Earth?’

Nothing.

What. Is this,‘ the entity thinks to her. It’s looking at its hand.

Ursa understands, though, as the telepathic intent of the question comes across. ‘Oh. It’s a body. A human one,’ she replies, without opening her mouth. She holds up her own hand and wiggles her fingers.

What is this.’ The tone, if it could be called that, is slightly more alarmed. It holds up a hand and the fingers break unnaturally as it moves them, before they snap back into their proper places.

‘So I’m guessing that’s new to you, then,’ Ursa sends back, wincing. ‘That’s ok. I’m not quite human too, so you’re in good company.’

The entity looks at her quizzically, and Ursa goes out on a limb. There’s nobody else around anymore, after all.

‘I’m a Changeling,’ she tells him. ‘Meaning I can do this.’

And she shifts back to her base form. It looks a lot like the rosy pink Ursa she’s been up till now, only with much of the colour bleached away; only the barest trace of it in her pallid cheeks and the tips of her whitish hair. She holds herself vulnerable like that for a moment, then reasons it’s been long enough and makes herself look human again.

The entity watches this and feels an immense sense of relief. This, it recognises. It’s reminded of watching the stars across the universe and using them as beacons to communicate with others like itself. Brightening and dimming them to pass on knowledge. Tweaking the wavelength of their light just slightly.

In response, it flickers the eyes of Subject 001 into something resembling that of an octopus. The same gesture in kind, almost.

Ursa has stretched out her hand toward him. ‘I’m Ursa,’ she says, both telepathically and with her actual mouth. She drops the silence.

The man reaches out and pulls her hand towards him. He feels her wrist. Holds it to his ear.

‘Red. On the inside,’ he says. He has an American accent.

Ursa pales just slightly, but is smooth enough to keep it subtle. ‘Um, yes! My blood! It’s supposed to stay on the inside, if that’s… okay.’

The entity remembers the showers of red from the facility it awoke in, and feels that it doesn’t want to do that to any of these other humans.

Ursa gently pulls her hand away, and asks: ‘Do you have a name?’

Name, thinks the entity. It doesn’t know the concept exactly, but can think of something similar; the way it knew which of the others had sent certain information by the unique, individual traces they’d leave in the light.

The body’s mouth, however, seems entirely unequipped to produce even an approximation, so the entity sends one into Ursa’s mind.

X̵̢̨̡̢̨̣̺͍̗̩͙̩̻͙̺̒̀͋̓̐̿̈́͐̐̏́̈͂̊͐̏͘̕̚͝͝ͅą̵̺͍͔̘̼͉̠͉̫͔͕͚͎̻̈́͌͂͌̅͂̉͒͌̆̄͊̉̈́̾̂̇͂̈́͂͊͌̀̑̈́̓́́͆͗͛̀͛̚͘͜͠ͅë̵̡̧̛͎͇̖̝̪̱͇̹͕̣̝̙͍͈̥̥͚͇̲́̆̂͋̉͗̾ͅͅ’̶̪̫͚̖̝̩̭̻̼̯̯͛̈́́̊̅͒̽̍̊̇͆́̎͗̿͐̈̕̕͘͜͠c̴̡̧̧̧̩̪̱̟̫̹̪̣̩̥̳̜͓͎̜͉̩̠̥̲͎͙͈̯̰̮͈̥̬̬̞̊̑̎͋̆̑͋̅͂͆̉͛̐̎͋̐̔͊̈́͋͋͘͘͠͝Z̸̢̗̭̖̻͛̊͂̃͋̍̋͆̇͒͐͗̐̉͒̅̈̚͠͝h̶̢̡̨̢̛̠̹̞͍̱̼͉̹͉̯̬͉̻̰͇̬͚̙̮͙̻̰̮̣̼̲̮̠̰̗̮̭̓̏̄̐̓̄́̑̋̐͛̈́́͂̿̉̀̔͗̒̾̇̍̆͋̈́͠͠͝’̵̧̡̨̹̳͈͍̺̮͎͔̭̮̦̋æ̶̡̡̨͉̦̞̼͈͓̭̝̙͕̬̥̳̙̼̱͈͎̱̟̓͆̃̒͆̂̀̈́́̍̆́̄̿̉̏̽̇̊́̽̀̍͊̿͆͌̏̐̕͘͜ͅͅl̶̡̢͉̯̭̥̜̦̦͔̼̜̗̯͍͓̏ͅĺ̷͍̤̰̯̠̜̠̭̥̫̲̟̫̥̬͐̾͆́̿̀͘͠‘, it tells her.

A thin trickle of blood comes from her nose. ‘Okay. Um. I don’t think I can pronounce that, and it actually hurts a lot to even think about? But it sort of sounded a little bit like “Ezekiel”, if you ignore like the uh. Scary bits. Can I call you Ezekiel? Would that be okay?’

The entity considers this. ‘Okay,’ it says.

Ursa is delighted. ‘Okay! Hi Ezekiel, I’m Ursa. Can I ask whereabouts you came from? Do you know?’

The entity, now Ezekiel, considers this too. It tries to telepathically convey where it was before it was inside a human, and in Ursa’s mind a garbled timelapse of the great cosmic movements of every star in the galaxy plays out. ‘Bweh,’ she says.

‘Sky,’ says Ezekiel, pointing upwards. He begins struggling to his feet.

‘You wanna see the– oh, yeah, fresh air might be good for me too. I can help you up. I can help– come on. There you go. I’m rambling a little. Let’s go. There we go.’

‘Sky,’ says Ezekiel again.

As she helps him along, she retrieves her phone. HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP, she texts to Cepheus.

Ezekiel notices, but seems more interested in the barnacle on the back of it.

‘I followed this here,’ he says. ‘I know this.’

‘Is that so, bud?’ Ursa huffs, helping him up the stairs. By the time they’re close to the top, Ezekiel has gotten much, much better at walking. Which is good, because Cepheus has replied.

Has something gone wrong? he texts.

jkskjjdjkdkjkkdjsjssj YES send someone here NOW. But quietly.

When Ursa puts her phone away, she looks up to see a line of large men pointing handguns at them. She slowly puts her hands up. Ezekiel copies her gesture.

‘Now whaddaya think you’re doing with the guy who turned Frank into spaghetti?’ says one. Presumably they’re Fae, running general hired goon archetypes.

‘Heyyyyyy,’ says Ursa, dragging out the words for more time to think. ‘So. Actually. We’re just leaving? Not a big deal, if you’ll just let us squeeze past–‘

‘You ain’t going nowhere, lady. We’re giving the boss time to gets away.’

‘Sure, not a problem, actually. We’re not actually after your boss. We don’t even know who it is. So if we all just put the guns down, we can just chill a little bit? Not that I have a gun or anything, I mean. I’m not exactly much of a threat am I?’

The goons consider this, then as one train their weapons on Ezekiel. He gives a curious look to Ursa on what gestures he should make next.

‘Alllright,’ she says. ‘We don’t want to actually hurt anyone. But my friend here does have the ability to reduce anyone nearby into spaghetti, or really any shape of pasta he likes. Even bucatini, if he really doesn’t like you. We can all stand around being all threatening if you really want to, but again we really don’t want to hurt anyone, do we, Ezekiel?’

Ezekiel blinks slowly. ‘Blood. Inside,’ he offers.

This is not taken as the friendly acknowledgement of where blood should be that Ezekiel intends, and the goons back away very slowly. Still, problem solved.

Outside, Ursa talks Ezekiel through what he’s seeing in the light of the early evening.

‘So, that’s the sky up there, and you can see the other buildings of the city we’re in. There aren’t any clouds today, but usually there’d be… oh that’s the sun. Don’t look straight at…’

Ezekiel cannot hear her anymore, though. He recognises the star in the sky before him. It’s one of his, one of the millions he’d use to communicate across the expanse of space. Here and now, though, it’s enormous.

For the first time, Ezekiel understands just how infinitely small he’s suddenly become. And exactly where he is. The universe feels very large and very cold. An empty house he’s suddenly an ant beneath.

Art by Xenocosplay!

Ursa rushes to him as he falls to his knees. ‘Whoa, hey, what’s wrong? Are you ok? Is it too much?’

‘It’s…’

A blast of magical force smashes into the side of him, sending him sprawling on the floor. Shadow stretches up on either mouth of the alleyway, preventing any passers-by from seeing things they shouldn’t. And one of the Caliber Institute’s cleanup crews, having been told Ursa’s in need of a rescue, swoop in to save the day.

Desmodesmus, Zanab Bashir, and Rebecca Chiffrin make their way towards them.

‘Desmus, you really don’t need to–‘ begins Ursa.

‘Don’t you fackin’ worry Ursa, we got this.’ Desmus advances on Ezekiel as he tries to scramble away.

‘No, Des, you’re not listening, he’s not a threat–‘

A bolt of aquatic magic forms around Desmus’ hand as he puts his game face on, stones building themselves up from his shoulders to form the shape of a crude well.

‘Okay so we’re doing this,’ says Ursa, and casts sleep.

Desmus’ spell dissipates as he falls face first to the floor. Ezekiel, watching, thinks Oh she killed it. That’s not good.

Zanab, though, has already drawn her sword and despite Ursa’s protests launches past to slash at Ezekiel, who ducks out of the way and doesn’t want to fight back.

Ursa charges up from behind and tackles her to the ground. ‘Listen,’ she hisses, pinning Zanab down. ‘He’s new to being human. But he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he’s just been panicking! Which you aren’t helping!’

‘Let me go, Ursa, you idiot. Even if he doesn’t mean to, a threat is still a threat and–‘

S̴̛̩̼̃̃̅̊̀̈́͋̇̈̀͒̅̒̌̕͘͘T̷̡̛̟̬̜͖͓͈̻̪͓̘͆̄̀̿̃͌̅́̃̽̉̉̅̇̅͛͘O̷̧̜̜̤̬̰̝͎̼̦̲̻͍͍̽́͜P̵̢̨͚͓̞͕̦͔̥̜̖̻̦͈̳̬͙̜̤͈͋.̶̧̨̭̣̳̻̟̬̫̗̙̦͈̻̪̭͎͆͂ͅͅ

Ezekiel’s voice appears in Zanab’s mind like a lash, and she convulses then goes still for a moment. ‘Arrgh,’ she says, carefully, no longer struggling against Ursa’s hold.

Thank you,’ says Ursa, straightening up. ‘Look, why don’t we come back to the Institute and we can figure out what we’re doing from there? Do you have a car?’

‘Um,’ says a voice from behind the melee. It’s Rebecca, who doesn’t really like to fight. ‘That’s actually what we were sent here to do.’

‘Oh,’ says Ursa. ‘Well then.’

‘Why is he ticking,’ asks Ezekiel.

They sit in the top floor office of the Caliber Institute, across from the desk of Director Charlton Brynner, a man made of gleaming clockwork and brass.

Brynner is trying to make sense of what’s in front of him. ‘And he just appeared in the middle of the room? No identifiable trail or anything like that?’

‘Nothing I could pick up on, sorry,’ says Ursa.

‘Hrm,’ says Brynner, steepling his fingers. The gesture makes a series of chimes in a pleasant pentatonic scale. ‘By all logic we should be taking this… gentleman to a containment facility while we carry out more tests. If he’s as much a danger as the cleanup report from Desmodesmus implies, we’re at a great deal of risk just by having him here.’

Ezekiel doesn’t respond to this, too distracted by the ticking and the smell of some sort of animal or something somewhere.

Ursa, though, sees red. ‘No. Absolutely not! I joined the Institute to try and help people, and here’s someone more out of their depth than I think anyone in the history of the world and you want to do tests on him? He’s not a threat, not if people treat him properly! And I’ll make sure they do, I’ll take full responsibility. Because that’s what we do here! We help. We don’t just lock people away!!’

Brynner takes this in.

‘…I don’t want to hurt anyone,’ says Ezekiel, quietly.

The director sighs. ‘Fine,’ he says. ‘Provided you, Ms. Carpenter, keep him calm. And I’ll need to assign a medical examiner to check over his physical form and keep him under observation while we figure out what’s going on. Deal?’

‘Deal,’ says Ursa, feeling more relief than she expected to.

‘Well then, Mr. Ezekiel. Welcome to the Caliber Institute.’

Ezekiel nods serenely, and slumps over, unconscious.

Caliber Session 46: The Scarecrow and the Kirkyard

After everything that’s happened, Ursa and Nora go for coffee the day after, to try and process a bit. Ursa is wracking her brains to try and think of rescue plans for Merlin in the pocket dimension, and Nora’s head is spinning with what the fuck to do about mantles in general – can they be stopped at whatever their source is instead of with perception filter fuckery?

They’re approached by Adagio, who would like Merlin’s help in tracking down a monster she can’t find ‘using the computer’, and it’s a bit awkward. She just leaves.

The next day there’s an ad-hoc service at the institute, with Brynner giving eulogies:

‘Cepheus was a rather brilliant man, as I’m sure all who had the privilege of working with him directly would agree. He was devoted to his family, but also to his colleagues; the kind of man who sought in all his actions to make everyone else’s lives that little bit easier. Things will be more difficult and darker without him.’

‘Sam “Merlin” Williams too was rather brilliant. He was somewhat acerbic in that common affect of the truly gifted, but those who got to know him personally knew him as passionate and highly principled. The improvements he made to our systems have allowed us to intercede in masquerade breaches faster and bring the levels of auditor emergences down to levels almost as low as before the invention of the smartphone. The… circumstances of his loss are…’

But it’s interrupted firstly by Ursa shouting ‘don’t you fucking eulogise merlin because he isn’t fucking dead’, and secondly by a guy with a well for a head running in and reporting to Brynner that a necromancer has emerged in Edinburgh.

See, Tim – a scarecrow that’s alive for some reason – has tracked a necromantic trail to Greyfriar’s Kirkyard, and as Brynner explains to Ursa and Nora that they need to port out to Edinburgh to assist him (and a bit of info about necromancy being so dangerous in this setting – specifically imperfect resurrections ALWAYS trigger auditors, and the necromancers themselves trigger auditors for a year and a day after casting. Plus, weaker necromantic anima is bleached away by sunrise, so necromancy is easier at night, vampires style) while all this is being learned, Tim is fighting off an animated body from the 1700s. He drags it back to its upturned grave and casts Daylight to finish it entirely.

Before this, though, he notices the ectoplasmic flesh the old bones are clad in is actually healing somewhat—really advanced spellwork—and then promptly gets into a debate with the bone fairy, who offers him 5,000 british pounds for the bones. He says they’re not his to give, and then she gets chased off by Ursa and Nora arriving.

The two, upon meeting Tim, are very much like ‘what are you though’, and Tim more or less explains that he is a sweet boy who doesn’t have a youtube account. Moving forward, Tim Find Familiars a crow and does a sweep of the kirkyard, and surmises that the Necromancer has gotten what it wants for now and left, and that perhaps it’s testing the limits of its power with older and older remains.

So the plan is to wait until night falls and stakeout the oldest part of the graveyard until then. But before then I believe the plan was to find somewhere nearby for coffee? It’s Caliber baby!!!

Caliber Session 45: Order In the Institute, Part 4

In the fight against Morris, Nora goes hogwild with the Mantlepiece and Merlin lets rip with tenth level witch bolts, doing damage in the hundreds to Morris. Morris screams, and in doing so lets loose a wave of magic that immediately drops Ursa. He also fires a necrotic bolt off that drops Merlin.

Brynner arrives, and gets Ursa back up by granting her the Neutral Mantle of the Iconoclast, letting her counter stuff. Which she uses to keep Morris from Imprisoning Nora, as well as healing up Merlin, who gets to his feet and has his arms crack to fuck from using way too much power. Nevertheless, he casts one more tenth-level witch bolt, losing his arms in the process.

This blows Morris away, leaving him slumped against the vault door. He sputters up some oil, and says ‘I just wanted us to be friends. I wish we could have been friends…’

Then everything is normal and fine, they’re in school like always, just Nora, her pal Ursa, and the most popular guy in class, Morris! Nora and Ursa flee the room, Nora vomits on Mr. Terence’s shoes, and they go to check Ursa’s phone contacts, but find nothing weird in the slightest. Back in class, the new exchange student is introduced – it’s Merlin, who still has all his memories and can see the source code of this wished-up pocket reality. He chases Morris through the corridors, leading to a confrontation with all four.

Morris rants a bit about Nora losing touch after meeting Merlin and Ursa, and how he just wanted to make friends with all of them. He tried to move on with Lopodite, but all he really wants is to fit in. ‘This isn’t how you make friends,’ says Ursa. Nora just decks him.

Morris wishes up another scenario, since the school one didn’t work; one where it’s life and death and all four of them can really rely on one another! It’s a traditional fantasy setting, and they’re in the guild hall after defeating the Golden Beast with Morris, the armor-clad leader! When the three of them poke and prod at the feasibility of all this, things ripple around them and begin to glitch. Nora decks him again too.

Morris begins to cry, sort of, saying that they were supposed to be friends, and that *she* killed him. That at least if he gets Lopodite what she wants back in the vault, she can make him a new body. They’re a bit worried by the ‘back in the vault’ implication, but again, Ursa tells him this isn’t how to make friends. Merlin says it’s sad and a bit pathetic. Morris says ‘you’re right. This is a lost cause.’ And runs Nora through. And disappears, back to the vault room, leaving them behind in the pocket dimension.

As Nora bleeds out, the other two look for ways to save her, but healing magic doesn’t work. Merlin, pulling on the Mantle’s power again, realises he could dismantle the order of the dimension they’re in and maybe get them home, but knows that to do so would mean the mantle fully killing him.

Ursa, following his example, manifests the mantle of the iconoclast again. She says ‘I might have an idea but it might also lead to all three of us dying. But better we all go together right?’ and before anyone can answer that, she uses the mantle to erase the wish.

They find themselves in an unreal place. A void? The only magic that works is that granted by the mantles, and the iconoclast one can only negate stuff. The only way out, Merlin comes up with: he can banish the other two. Get them to their home planes, and from there they stop Morris. After that they can come back for him, he says. It doesn’t sound like he believes it.

Neither Ursa nor Nora say goodbye. They ARE getting him back.

Merlin does as he said he would, and stays behind in the empty void-dimension.

Back in reality, when they get there, the vault has opened. Morris staggers towards the contents of the vault on limbs borrowed from his wished-up selves. But he collapses before reaching it. Nora and Ursa rush in, and drag him out before he can touch anything.

It’s a table with a spinning top spinning away.

They learn from Brynner, in a bubble of frozen time so the Watchtowers can’t observe, that that spinning top is the thing that creates humanity’s perception filter; it’s not something innate to humanity. Without it, it’d be like auditors all day every day. He leaves, citing lots of cleanup.

Morris, with his last breaths, wants Nora to come closer. Hesitantly, she does, and he says he could wish for Merlin back, but to do so would kill HIM, not just the server body he’s in. That Nora has to choose. ‘Him or me,’ he says.

‘Thank you for always being there, Morris… but I can’t just leave him behind,’ says Nora. ‘I want you to wish him back.’

‘Then… I guess we were never really friends.’ And the Morris Worm leaves the server body, saving himself and abandoning Nora.

Ursa and Nora briefly talk about calling Kojak, but it’s nearly 10 in real life at that point so it’s bedtime.

Caliber Session 44: Order In the Institute, Part 3

The fight begins with Emva chucking a potion in Merlin’s face, but unfortunately it’s just a potion of lying from Ediera, and doesn’t so anything. Cepheus hits him with his horns, sending Merlin flying backwards. Ursa tries to talk Cepheus out of it, but he insists that it’s his job in a crisis to do anything he can. And this is him doing his job. Ursa tries, then, to put the two to sleep and remove them as a threat without doing harm. Emva falls asleep, Cepheus does not.

Merlin lands and positions himself to hit both Cepheus and the sleeping Emva with a massive lightning bolt. Cepheus tries to shield his wife and so the bolt blows a hole through his chest. Emva, too, is killed.

Using the fallen computer console, Merlin heads into the next room, which turns out to be the server room at the institute. Before Ursa and Nora follow, Ursa tries but fails to stop him with Hold Person, but Nora grabs her and tries to console her at least a little. They hug, and Ursa doesn’t even make a comment about friendship.

Penelope is hiding invisibly in the corner, and Ursa warns her about Merlin’s threat. Merlin looks through a computer here, and finds that there’s no set route for creatures, and that the security can’t be reset unless Brynner gives the all-clear. Also that a clockwork-man like Brynner can come and go as he pleases without being ported, since the security spell is woven around him.

‘Jesus Merlin,’ says Nora. ‘Ella fought against her mantle harder than this, and she’s a human. What happened to the Merlin we knew?’

‘You’re looking at him,’ says Merlin.

At this point, Nora decides since the amount of magic Merlin’s able to put out is way too much to deal with, she wonders if they can lure someone in that might be able to even the scales. It sucks, but she tries to reconnect to Morris. With Ursa’s help, she succeeds in re-manifesting the silver wire linking her to the Morris server. It’s pointing straight downwards.

She travels down the line. There, in the basement Merlin has been instructed to reach, is a massive vault door covered in runes and seals, as well as a figure wearing a trenchcoat and a hat that says ‘NORMAL HUMAN’. Morris is here, wearing a machine body given to him by Lopodite, the Tenth Muse. He peacocks a little and calls himself a new man, implies that he and Lopodite are in a relationship, and talks about being perfectly made to bypass the security in the Institute like Brynner does, barely listening to Nora until she mentions that Merlin’s giving them some trouble upstairs.

‘Ugh, that gnome’s still like that?’ says Morris. ‘So glad I got this shiny body instead of having to use his. Sloppy seconds, you know?’

But he sees an opportunity to show off a little more. He says he’ll meet Nora back up there. He fucking winks.

Upstairs, Merlin has sensed the new connection with his Remote Access, and tries to go for Nora and the cable in her chest – but Ursa stops him, and tackles him to the ground. Nora comes back, and drags Ursa out of the way as Morris comes up in the lift.

‘Merlin,’ he says. ‘You look even smaller in the flesh!’ And casts Meteor Swarm, crushing Merlin like a can of pop.

Ursa leaps and interposes herself again as Morris advances, as she always always does. She tells him that he’s definitely being used by Lopodite (which is true), and that the relationship with her is all in his head. When he protests that he’s better with her than he was with Nora, Nora makes her own little comment about sloppy seconds.

Morris tells Ursa to move, threatening her with a BLADE OF DISASTER, but when she won’t, he says ‘You know what? I’m going to be the bigger man here.’ To Nora, he says ‘Nora, I’m not going to let you hurt me anymore’ and cuts a hole in the floor with his Blade.

As he moves, though, Nora blurts out ‘I wish the Morris Server would die.’ She casts using the server itself, and the server suffers a malfunction. Morris drops through the floor. Nobody’s sure what happened.

Merlin, though, picks himself up at 1 hit point, and after Ursa just about manages to get a quick heal on him, drops down the hole.

As Nora and Ursa debate how to follow, the lift pings again, and Director Brynner appears. It seems Penelope told him what was going on. He says it’s imperative that they don’t let Merlin or Morris get what’s in that vault, but he can either use some power to tell them what’s in it, or use some power to help them in the potential battle. Not both. So they go without learning what’s in there, only that opening it would lead to a “Class-C end-of-world scenario”. He reveals to them that Emva survived thanks to her prophecy, and was ejected from Morta’s mirrors. Cepeheus, though, was not.

He also explains a little about the power Nora has – that it’s specifically a counter to Earth’s immune system, a sort of evasion mechanism for the pathogen that is magic. The weapon created by Nora’s power is specifically forged to destroy mantles – preferably Auditors, but the mechanics are the same for any of them.

‘So we have to kill Merlin, then?’ says Nora.

‘It seems we are left with few alternatives,’ says Brynner.

‘But wait,’ says Ursa. ‘What if… the mantle isn’t trying to breach the vault? It appeared as we were under attack from Morris – what if it’s taken over Merlin to stop Morris and Lopodite?’

Down by the vault, Merlin is launching spells at Morris, who is sneering and counterspelling all of them. The Wish has hit him hard, though the malfunction seems to have hit just as badly. He looks like a fucking mess, sparks and oil coming off him.

‘Seriously Merlin,’ says Morris, as Merlin launches more first level spells for him to counter. ‘You know the definition of insanity, right? Do you seriously think you’re going to hit me with this weak shit?’

‘They may have been weak,’ says Merlin, ‘But not without purpose.’ And as the Mantle restores his spell slots as he uses the last one up (through the restocking mechanic it grants), he does a negative energy flood that does a hundred fucking damage to Morris. The others land at this point, and Morris has begun ranting about getting the content of the vault destroyed, and taking the fingerbone he took from the server room back to Lopodite, and getting his body fixed. He begins peeling away at the vault’s protections, while casting a prismatic wall to keep them out. But Merlin, through magical studies and the mantle of Order, is able to talk them through the methods of breaching each layer. He’s acting a little more like himself, but the cracks are much much worse and he might be running out of time.

They breach the wall. Morris leaves whatever mechanical thing he’s created burrowing into the vault door, and turns to face them.

Caliber Session 43: Order In the Institute, Part 2

So, Merlin’s got the mantle. The Caliber Institute security cuts in and teleports crisis-trained staff to their security posts, and visitors to safety bunkers. The institute itself is unmoored from reality, as observed by a helpful NORMAL HUMAN in the lobby.

Merlin, taking on the visage of a marble statue with golden cracks, receives his objective from the Watchtower of Order, and fucking leaves. Ursa and Nora follow at what they hope is a safe distance. Merlin though is mostly just serene and implacable, not causing any damage.

They first end up in the treasury, and Merlin makes his way through my following the flow of mana towards what must be a ventilation point. Cimimi tries to trick him on the way with the ol’ mimic chest trick, but he calmly Identifies her and just ignores the trap. She pops out anyway and tries to slow him down by clinging to his leg, though a combination of a Command from him and gentle persuasion from Ursa and Nora convinces her to leave them to it.

They head to a big column archway that’s on a big big coin, and though the treasury itself tries to swat at Merlin, he simply obliterates the hand, and Ursa and Nora must put it back to sleep with some soothing, calming Darude. The coin-floor tries to Midas Merlin, but he shrugs that off too, and heads through the arch. Ursa skips the trap by teleporting using Thunder Step, the loudest spell there is. It’s probably fine.

Through the gate, they find themselves in a seemingly endless redwood forest. Merlin decides a steed would be appropriate, and summons a big big scooter. He specifies to Nora that she should get on too. Nora tries to get some more info from him, and is told that the mantle will release him once he completes his objective. She also notices, as Ursa did earlier, that some of the cracks that appear when he moves are not healing.

Ursa smelled coffee upon arriving here, and has shifted into her Abadallion persona to try and track it. They learn via their Pipes of the Sewers that there seem to be no creatures here, but come across Emva and Cepheus, working at a decrepit computer to try and get a read on what’s going on. They have coffee. Ursa – now Ursa again – asks if she can take a flask to try and cure Merlin.

Merlin has travelled fast enough to have looped back around, and senses this. Passing Ursa, she jumps onto the steed as well, and catches up on proceedings. Sadly Merlin is NOT INTERESTED in the coffee.

He clears the fog with a gust of wind, and sees that the only point of interest in this whole ‘forest’ is the computer with Cepheus and Emva. Merlin pulls up and asks ‘Are you still using that?’

Cepheus apologises about the fact that he has to stop Merlin. He smashes the monitor with one fist, and unfolds himself to full Minotaur height. When Ursa and Nora try to dissuade him from this, citing the mantle’s promise to release Merlin at the end, Cepheus laments that they too must be in a contract with Order’s mantle, and says he’ll try not to do any lasting damage. He flips the table.

Caliber Session 42: Order in the Institute, Part 1

So in the time between sessions, Ursa’s been getting more of a Youtube following, Nora’s been digging up dirt on Pyrite and Laniakea but not finding much, and Merlin’s mostly been styling his beard.

They’re told at the Institute that they have to do the annual performance review. It’s up in the gym. They get there and find that there’s a big ol’ obstacle course, and are told that it’s individual markings so no team stuff. Merlin doesn’t want to take part.

They all set off on the course, and the very first thing Ursa does is give the others Bardic Inspiration. She shifts into Saubra after that, and they tackle the course. Unfortunately there’s a bear blocking a door, and both Saubra and Merlin fall off in trying to get past! Nora manages it, and goes onto the final challenge: dressing up as an eagle and picking up a mouse with her foot. She just stamps on the mouse because she’s embarrassed, but it’s a mouse tulpa/egregore/servitor/whatever so no animals were harmed. Nora plots revenge against Emva for the bird suit.

The next challenge is a vision quest, courtesy of some fortune cookies from the Chocolatier. It’ll also be displayed on a big screen for marking purposes, but also there’s a crowd of other employees so it’s a bit embarrassing.

Ursa goes first and finds that she’s become a mermaid who has to convince a lobster not to tell her Dad that she’s made a deal with a sea witch (sadly she does not succeed). Nora becomes a scorpion and tries to convince a horrible bogan frog to carry her across a river, and though she rips off her own stinger, the frog just leaves anyway like an asshole. While she’s in the vision, Ursa makes sure nobody can film this embarrassing feat by hacking their phones with a bardic performance. Merlin has been kidnapped by Old Grandma Bastard, who thinks he is a baby, and he is able to escape by feigning that ‘baby wants a cuddle’. Incredible.

The last round is a one-on-one duel each. Merlin goes up against Stiletto Benevolent, and Merlin actually manages to take him down, after surviving an eighth-level fireball as well as Nora trying to shoot Stiletto and hitting Merlin (while Ursa distracted Cepheus by dropping him in it about his love of the Chocolatier’s sweets in front of his wife, who hates said chocolatier).

Nora faces Alkahest, and though she gets the first couple hits in, Alkahest’s powers have grown since reuniting with his sister for a bit (much to his chagrin), and he gets a massive critical hit.

Ursa goes up against Kojak, and gets a smart first move in that should have let her win by ring out, if this was fair. He flashes forward with his knife and gets a gutwound in, but Ursa thundersteps away. Nora hits him with a crit Toll the Dead timed perfectly to coincide with the thunderstep too, but it only slows him slightly as he finishes the fight on his next move.

Afterwards, they get their marks from Cepheus. Both Ursa and Nora passed with flying colours, for trying to cheat and help their teammates. It was a sneaky blind test! Merlin however, gets a bit of a dressing down – he’s commended for his resourcefulness and ability to win a fight that was designed to be near-impossible, but he simply didn’t demonstrate enough of a team spirit.

Director Brynner tells him that for the foreseeable future, Ursa and Nora will be technically his superiors, and to listen to their orders in the field to improve his team play. Merlin does not take it well.

He basically tells them that they can shove it, and makes to leave. And as he reaches the door, with the others trying to convince him not to, the Mantle of Order descends.

Caliber Session 41: Mr. Fluffy Biscuits

So, Ursa has gone to visit her Dad, who is recovering at home. He tells Ursa not to feel responsible, because she isn’t. He’s on a waiting list for a prosthetic arm, and she mentions that she could get Emva to make a cool prosthetic with like, tools and stuff. Sarolt isn’t impressed, having heard stories of Emva’s unreliability from someone she works with as Kojak – it’s a rival of Emva’s you haven’t met yet. Imrus, though, is fairly enthused by the idea of a Treasure Planet style tool arm.

Merlin, on holiday to try and catch up on research and get his breath back, has his brunch rudely interrupted by Mr Pyrite, who mentions that he was able to smell the connection Merlin currently has with the watchtower of Order. It doesn’t matter what terms they agreed, if Order decides that debt isn’t coming back in fast enough, it’ll send in the repo guys with zero notice, to use a particular metaphor. He tells Merlin to get his affairs in order, and to try and enjoy his eggs benedict.

Nora, having totally lost track of Morris, has signed up – through the Institute – to do a bit of employee outreach work experience at Open Sky Capital, as a means of checking her sister’s doing okay. In the process, she finds out that Open Sky Capital currently employs just three people besides Laniakea herself: Ella, Urknall the security guard, and someone that’s in the employee register as ‘It’s Steve’. Ella doesn’t actually do anything; she just makes up appointments for Laniakea to cancel on a whim. She’s being paid 60k a year for this. Nora can’t stop laughing.

Back at the Carpenter household, Ursa’s on her way out when she bumps into Adrienne, who is her usual dickhead self. She blames Ursa for the explosion. She’s carrying a camera tripod and it’s not just because Vesper was looking at one in real life when they were thinking of why Adrienne was there. She drives away and Ursa flips her off. Family drama!!

On the beach, Merlin is wandering along trying to get things straight in his head. And who should appear to make things worse but Lopodite, who basically says she’ll arrange a way out of him getting the Mantle of the Judge (Order) so he doesn’t have to die or hurt anyone, and all she wants is the bones for the labyrinth back. She lets slip that Morris has gotten a body, by referring to him as ‘robot boy’, too. Merlin won’t play ball and she tells him to keep an open mind, and to enjoy his eggs benedict. Merlin already finished his eggs benedict back at brunch. She tries to kick him in the balls but he misty steps away.

Back at the Open Sky canteen, Laniakea, Adagio, Ella and Nora are sat at a table with a naked woman on it. It’s It’s Steve. She’s covered in sushi. Nobody but Nora is eating any. Laniakea has just set this spread out because it’s what high powered business executives like her do, and when Nora gently questions this, Laniakea has a full-on breakdown about how she’s restructuring in light of her not even being in the top 100 strongest Dragons anymore, after the fiasco at the last convention. Nora suggests putting on a convention of her own, and convincing some other dragons she’s still important. She even mentions that the Caliber Institute could be a respectable partner for this. Laniakea says ‘Yes… if I were to own the Caliber Institute, I would be two business geniuses’.

They also talk a little bit about Holy power, which Nora seems to have now. It comes from faith in something, not necessarily from Jesus. When asked what she has faith in, Nora says ‘I have faith in shooting people’.

(Somehow Laniakea mentions having a dream about roasting Merlin on a barbecue spit, and she’s so depressed in her dream that she can’t even bring herself to eat him. I am sorry)

When next the three meet, Merlin explains a bit about one: Lopodite and Morris working with one another. And two: the fact that it’s looking like his deal with Order is going to default pretty soon. They rack their brains to try and think of how he could complete the deal, or wriggle out of it, but are interrupted by an ‘ongoing incident’ in the treasury.

Down there, they find Cimimi and a tetchy Director Brynner. Brynner reveals that his dog, Mr. Fluffy Biscuits, has escaped (having gotten the zoomies) and is currently scurrying around the treasury. It’s very dangerous to have an animal down there risking waking up Cimimi’s brother, which is definitely the only reason Brynner has put out an emergency announcement on this.

When asked to describe Mr. Fluffy Biscuits, Brynner explains that he’s mostly white with patches of off-white (FFFFFF and FFFFFC), that he loves normal dog things like classical music and the Reader’s Digest, and that, despite having the gait and vigour of a rambunctious hound, when he stares into the sunset his countenance takes on a more contemplative caste, as if he really were reckoning with the question of a day truly well-spent.

This description does not get any matches for Locate Creature. Ursa’s illusory classical music and plate of ham are similarly ineffective.

Cimimi then reveals, quietly, that Brynner’s dog is very old and very smelly. This does get a match, and so Merlin does a NIN and pings them closer to dog. They find some treasure on the way.

When they catch up to the hound, some cajoling and animal handling, and animal mage hand-ling ends up with Merlin magically carrying the beast back to his master by the scruff of the neck. Brynner is incensed and says Merlin has to do some unpaid overtime. Merlin says he does that anyway. Ursa offers to take Mr. Fluffy Biscuits to the doggie groomers, and rolls a 400 so Brynner agrees.

Then Brynner’s rotary phone in his office rings so he goes to pick it up, and it’s a text from Laniakea which says ‘I am going to buy you out’.

‘What?’ says Brynner.

‘Gorp,’ says Mr. Fluffy Biscuits.

Caliber Session 40: Homecoming, Part 7

So, over a breakfast of hotdogs and bagels, the party discusses how best to get home. Merlin wonders aloud if the Evil Puppet is still inside the television, and it turns out he is! Alkahest calls in that second favour, and EP says there’s a shortcut in the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Specifically, it’s in a Rothko painting.

There’s some discussion of National Treasure and paintings with Nic Cage in them, but before long they make their way to the museum. There’s a skeleton on the ticket booth, but they trade her a little badge instead of paying for tickets.

Inside, they find the painting, but Nora chucks a sausage at it instead of walking in. There’s a crackle as the sausage blackens and falls to the ground. An astral projection of EP appears and says ‘haha, you fell for my single-use electrocution trap, losers!’ But it wasn’t them. It was a sausage.

Nora tries to hit him with the sausage, but it doesn’t work since he’s basically a hologram. She instead persuades him to imagine the worst, smelliest sausage in the world hitting him instead, and thanks to Ursa’s D10 Bardic Inspiration, it does actually work. A specter of the sausage appears and like, gently lands on his face. He explodes.

Nora tests the real sausage on the portal again, but it bounces off. Alkahest wonders if it only permits things with souls, because it’s art? He applies some honey mustard, because it’s soul food, right. Nora asks the sausage to remember the animal it once was. It sails through the air and thinks, ‘My god… I’m alive… wait, I was never an animal though’ but passes through unhindered this time.

They all go through. On the other side is a vast, glittering desert of purple sand under an orange sky. Ursa spots a skiff, which has a couple of dead skeletons on it. Nora steals the jacket of one, and finds a palm-sized emerald ball in the pocket. Merlin steals the hotpants the other one is wearing. He senses that they are magically potent; extremely so.

They find that the ship has parallel drive. It must have crashed here or something. Alkahest explains that here is outside the Outside, off the axis of worlds. There’s shit out here that‘s like deep sea fish, but for reality. Bad.

They sail onwards, aiming for a massive shape in the distance that’s maybe a tower or something.

But a mountain sized cosmic horror erupts from the sand and begins chasing them – it’s a huge maw that’s dragging itself along on thousand of spindly, stretchy little arms. Merlin lightning bolts it but despite the million points of damage he does it just keeps coming, launching its arms toward the party. He and Nora are grabbed, but Ursa dodges, and thunder steps herself and Alkahest to the little eye Merlin’s lightning revealed. Alkahest stabs the thing.

Nora, freed from the grapple by Ursa’s thunderstep damage, shoots at the arms rummaging through Merlin’s ribcage, and he realises once it’s let go that it was going for the magic hotpants. That’s what it’s chasing them for!

So he heroically throws them to the maw of the beast, and is only slightly put off when he rolls a 0 and they just blow back into his face. After this he simply drops them off the side.

The cosmic horror lunges for them, slamming Ursa and Alkahest to the sand, but Ursa’s able to thunder step back to the ship. Getting further away, the party is able to see the horror siphoning down into the hotpants. Its ass looks as incredible as it does incomprehensible.

Merlin gives a solemn thumbs up. The cosmic horror gives a hundred thousand in reply.

Arriving at the central tower, they unscrew the steering ball and screw it into the parallel drive lever. And after pulling it, land in the middle of the Leeds-Liverpool canal. They’re home! Woohoo!

Caliber Session 39: Homecoming, Part 6

After dealing with the Blue Chamber’s attempts to pull them back, Ursa, Merlin, and Nora head back into the old slaughterhouse on Death 49. It takes Merlin a couple of attempts, considering his inability to perform athletically. But it’s ok after Nora gives him a leg up.

Inside, they find themselves in an old cleanroom, and make their way towards the shop floor proper – only for Ursa to hear voices on the other side. As well as a suspiciously cheerful little beeping noise.

‘Look, Panacea, I’m not going to help you assassinate the president.’

‘Alkahest. You have seen what’s happened to our home. It’s fuckin’ embarrassing.’

‘I don’t give a shit if you’re embarrassed. I don’t got time for your trying to save face. It doesn’t matter. You interrupted an important family dinner.’

At this point Merlin messages to say they’re here to help, and this obviously shows on Alkahest’s face. Panacea notices.

‘What’s with the face?’

‘…Oh. Uh. You know me, I just started thinking about dinner. Hot dogs. You know?’

‘You’re disgusting. Don’t change the subject.’

‘I’m tied to a chair, Panacea. I’m exercising my remaining freedom by thinking about eating a hot dog. It’s alI can do right now.’

‘Hey, if you didn’t want to be tied to a chair you shoulda woken up before me.’

‘Yeah, I shoulda. If only. Mmm, it’s got imaginary mustard and crispy onions on it. Wowza.’

‘Enough with the fuckin’ hot dog tulpa, man.’

‘Fine. But I still ain’t helping you kill the president.’

‘Aw come on! We’ll be in and out in like ten minutes! What the fuck is wrong with you!’

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’

‘Fuck you!’

‘Fuck you!’

‘Fuck you!! I’m going for a smoke. Don’t go anywhere.’

‘…Fuck you.’

Panacea heads towards the room with our heroes in it, and they scramble to hide. Merlin turns himself invisible and hides behind the door, while Ursa and Nora dash outside and hide behind a couple of bushes.

As Panacea gets close, Merlin’s invisibility disappears, ironically enough, reapplying itself once she moves past. He takes the opportunity to message Nora and Ursa to tell them that proximity to Panacea seemed to negate magic.

At the window, Panacea is smoking and staring at the bush with Nora behind it. Nora decides the best course of action is to Disguise Self into the old lady from the B&B, and go through a sort of facade about following some ruffians who stole from her. Which. did happen, I guess.

‘What?’ says Panacea, staring at an old woman in a bush. ‘No I didn’t see nobody. I only just got banished here, and that only happened because my stupid tamagotchi fuckin’ died again.’

Panacea is mostly bemused during the exchange, eventually telling the old woman to fuck off and walking away. But Nora shouts back that she’s a cunt, and Panacea demonstrates her temper by putting on her game face (similar to Alkahest’s open mouth and shadow, but with burning light spilling from it instead) and immediately lunging through the window for her. She’s taken back the Frostbrand sword Alkahest took from her. Nora fires back, but the shots from her Mantlepiece fizzle out against the antimagic.

Ursa pipes up with a bunch of rats but Panacea is in too much of a rage to care, so Ursa instead interposes herself and tells her to chill. Realising who’s here, Panacea says ‘Oh fuck,’ and sprints back to her captive.

Meanwhile, Merlin has been working at the steel cables binding Alkahest to the similarly steel chair. He manages to heat them up and break them with firebolts and his new knife, then misty step to safety when he hears footsteps sprinting up behind him. He retreats to a dark corner and waits for his moment.

Nora and Ursa catch up and tackle Panacea to the ground, but don’t manage to take the tamagotchi. Alkahest gets up and so does Panacea.

Ursa opens her mouth to take the diplomatic approach, but Merlin in the corner summons a fear shadowspawn and gets it to do a shriek.

Upon hearing it, Panacea flips out and flies into a rage, going from game face to full release in a second. She misses her attack on the shadowspawn because Merlin dismisses it, but her form being made of light means Merlin can’t hide, and all he can do when faced with antimagic – the tamagotchi producing it obscured by her release form – is try to get away. He does try to stab her but it does basically nothing.

Ursa tries to heal him up and Nora looks for an exit, going for the nearby roller door. Alkahest manages to dampen her power through their connection, but she’s still chasing the gnome down.

Eventually though, they calm her enough to listen to reason, with Merlin only staying conscious thanks to Ursa’s healing. Ursa offers to have everyone work together to depose the president, if that means they can all walk away happy, and Panacea almost seems like she’s going to go for it… until Merlin says they can go for coffee and Nora proffers some whisky as a peace offering.

Panacea is loudly and theatrically disgusted by these heterotrophs and mostly insults Alkahest for being friends with them, and for making flyers and stuff instead of just killing people. She thought after he’d finally mustered up the balls to trap her in a book for seven years he’d have made something of himself, but apparently not.

At this point Nora snatches the tamagotchi and stuffs it down her top.

Panacea doesn’t even blink and critically cuts off Nora’s arm. Nora passes out and sprays blood everywhere. Her own magic – like her ring of regeneration – stops working thanks to the tamagotchi’s power.

Ursa shoves Panacea off with a crit of her own, and Merlin tries to fish out the tamagotchi from Nora’s top with a magehand… that the tamagotchi dispels. So he has to get it manually, much to his dismay.

Once it’s clear, Ursa gives the unconscious Nora a blast of healing, and when Panacea lunges for her in turn, Alkahest swoops in and hits his sister with the steel chair.

With the help of the Ring of Regeneration, Ursa is able to reattach Nora’s arm. Merlin tries and fails to destroy the tamagotchi itself – it’s too potent to be broken, like some kind of One Ring but it’s a virtual pet.

Panacea, pinned down by Alkahest, says she’ll let them all go if they give it back. She traded for that and is damned if she’ll let it go to waste.

They agree, and learn that she got it via Mr. Pyrite by trading the Infernomicon she’d climbed out of for it. Presumably Pyrite knows a guy. Panacea tells them if she ever sees any of them again, she’ll fucking kill them, and then says she’s off to kill the president while flipping the bird.

Alkahest spins Ursa around and gives her a big ol’ smooch, and they all decide they’ll head back to the hotel where they killed that old woman to get some rest before figuring out how to get back to Fulcrum without ending up in Fulcrum’s America. Alkahest says they’ll get some hot dogs, his treat. Ursa suggest bagels, so they’re going to get hot dogs AND bagels. New York, baby!!!

Caliber Session 38: Homecoming, Part 5

So upon arriving at the condemned slaughterhouse, our three heroes decide to take a cautious approach by going in through a window rather than via the front door. Ursa goes in first, finding herself in what looks to be a lab clean-room type area. Nora follows through the next window over, this one leading to a wide dark space.

Merlin has been messing about outside trying to switch off the sun with magic (and learning a ‘turn glasses lenses to sunglasses’ spell), and he hears this sort of humming noise, like fingers round a wine glass.

In short order, everyone can hear it, and it reminds Nora of the Morris Server – that specific blend of magic and technology. She shouts out to Merlin to have him Message that to Ursa, but he hears the hum rise to a deafening volume, feels something grab his ankle, and promptly vanishes.

Nora rushes to find Ursa but in her haste slips in the window, and vanishes too. Ursa sees that she cut herself on the broken window glass, and thinks maybe it’s to do with spilling blood (as she doesn’t know Merlin has disappeared and just assumed he wandered off to get hot dogs – new york, baby!)

The hum gets quiet for a second… the she vanishes too.

Merlin finds himself blindfolded in the back of a van. He feels something viscous and nasty covering his eyes, and also feels some sort of tag around his ankle. He can’t cast spells.

After a moment, he hears a sort of reeling sound and an ‘oof’ as someone lands in the same state he’s in. ‘What the fuck is going on?’ she asks.

‘I assume that’s Nora then,’ says Merlin. He attempts to use his Medusa knife to petrify the ankle bracelet, but it seems that magic items he’s attuned to are similarly disabled.

A voice from the front of the van is saying ‘Wait, we’re losing this one… steady… ok got her. Pull.’

Then Ursa lands on Nora and begins babbling ‘cause she’s freaking out (she just like me fr). She shouts at the front but they ignore her. Nora too calls them cowards, and the drivers slam the brakes in a petty act of punishment.

‘We’ll just have to see if Merlin can rescue us then,’ says Ursa.

‘Ursa, I’m here too.’

‘What? Oh. I thought you’d just gone to get a hot dog.’

‘I wasn’t going to get a hot dog. Why would I just…?’

Ursa eyes him, though doesn’t do a very good job of it what with the blindfold. ‘Are you saying you don’t like hot dogs?’

‘I like hot dogs, of course I like hot dogs. Who doesn’t like hot dogs. But if I were to go for hot dogs I’d get hot dogs for everyone,’ says Merlin.

How far we’ve come.

Ursa just ends up feeling her way to the front and shouting and booting at the partition, while Nora attempts to get the black ooze off her face – succeeding in freeing one eye as the van pulls to a stop.

She turns to obscure that one eye can see as footsteps come round to the back, and the doors open to reveal that they’ve come to a stop beneath a bridge.

‘Oh this is definitely the kind of place you bring someone to shoot them in the back of the head,’ thinks Nora. She rips off the rest of the inky blindfold, and spears their captor, sending them to the ground with Nora on top.

Nora pulls a knife and holds it to the throat of Agent Edelweiss of the Blue Chamber. In turn, Agent Blackball stands over the scuffle and holds a katana to the throat of Nora.

‘Alright, you’ve got the bigger dick,’ she says.

‘Whoa am I missing something fun?’ says Ursa. She charges out in an attempt to help Nora, but unfortunately still has her eyes covered and doesn’t get any hits in.

Merlin is just lying on the floor pretending to be a corpse.

Edelweiss dusts herself off and tells them that they’re fugitives, having broken laws in smuggling, weakening the wards of American soil, and resisting arrest, and that they’re supposed to be bringing them in but since they embarrassed her and Blackball by putting them to sleep (and because it’s less paperwork) they’re just going to do a bit of extra-judiciary murder to add to the extraordinary rendition they’ve just carried out.

‘Fuck that,’ says Merlin, ‘why don’t you switch off the anti-magic and fight us fair and square?’

Blackball wants to go for it but Edelweiss shushes him. ‘Because we’re professionals, not tennis doubles. And because of American taxpayer dollars at work.’ She gestures to the machine atop the van that is emitting a magical tether to their anklets.

Blackball dismisses his blinding spell so they can look. It melts to ink and tastes like black liquorice. Ursa barfs.

Nora, despite her mage armor not working earlier, reaches into her chest and draws the Mantlepiece, which somehow still manifests despite the antimagic. She looses a shot at the generator… and a massive armoured Forester from the Green Chamber plummets down from the bridge above and blocks the shot, caving in half of the van when it lands.

The Forester is about the size of a tractor, vaguely humanoid but without a head. Instead, in its centre is a glass sphere housing a bonsai tree. Its left arm is a chainsaw the size of a wardrobe door.

Merlin tries to leap out but gets his lower half trapped. Despite the danger of the huge mechanical monster, Ursa leaps into the fray to try and pull him out, only to have Blackball attack her with his damned katana.

Nora meanwhile has the forester charging for her, but manages to get out of the way by shooting at the bonsai core and causing it to stumble. Edelweiss however blocks her escape with a Wall of Ice and the forester turns for another charge.

Ursa can’t get Merlin out without breaking his ankle, so scrambles up to the anti-magic emitter and begins smacking it with her baton. Blackball goes for another slice but she breaks it enough to disrupt one of the beams – the one on Merlin.

Merlin, still pinned, immediately casts his favourite lightning bolt, but Blackball gets a nat 20 on his save and leaps up into the air to redirect the lightning, Sekiro-style. He turns to leaping-stab Merlin, who misty-steps away — and when the ankle cuff is left behind, he promptly disappears, reappearing in Death 49 outside the slaughterhouse.

Back on Fulcrum, where it turns out Ursa and Nora have been pulled back to, Nora has feinted that she’s running off before shooting at Blackball as he leaps up to go for Ursa again. It hits him in the helmet hard enough to spin him in the air and crack the eight-ball itself. He hits the floor and doesn’t get up.

Edelweiss shouts at the forester to leave the clearly-very-acrobatic Nora and aim for the one messing with the tethers, and it begins charging chainsaw first for Ursa, who sees this and goes ‘aargh’ and attempts to break the thing twice as fast.

She succeeds, getting her magic back just in time to hit both Edelweiss and the charging Forester with an upcast Hold Person.

She and Nora clasp hands and Nora uses her jacket to teleport them out of their anklets, telling Edelweiss to get fucked as they disappear.

Appearing on either side of Merlin back in Death 49, they ready themselves to resume the search for Alkahest.

‘So… did you get those hot dogs, Merlin?’ asks Ursa.

(Back on Fulcrum, we also see Edelweiss and Blackball getting in trouble, ha ha fuck ‘em)