Caliber (Bonus) Session 11.5: A Key Endorsement

After sleeping for an entire day, Ursa finally manifests the energy to text Alkahest.

Hey, sorry, realised I never messaged back yesterday, it was definitely A DAY. I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck (Even though Adagio healed me I have a lovely bruise where Laniakea backhanded me 🙃 Or could have been the sword to the face 🤷‍♀️) Everything’s sorted now, but everything that could have gone did go wrong so, that’s fun. 🙃 I pretty much crashed after I got home, literally only just gotten up haha.

Anyway, cliffnotes; Cat Shit got Minette (WHO IS MONTPARNASSE’S SISTER) to steal the book and they were gonna give it to Mr.Pyrite to read and get your true name so Cat Shit could arrest you (wtf right???) But Lania was too het up so Minette tried reading the book herself and Caravigg got in her head and started hellhound apocalypse! Managed to seal him back in the book, Minette didn’t die but she did get away.

Hopefully will never have to deal with Laniakea again, still gotta make nice with Mr. Pyrite (I really fucked up, he might hate me as much as Laniakea ☠☠☠ You’d be better off saying we’re mortal enemies than dropping my name rn, I’m really, really sorry 😫) though less nice since he WAS involved, the wanker, and I think we really pissed Strych off so if there’s something I could get them as a ‘thank you and sorry’ gift I would appreciate the heads up! (I kinda have something for you too, guessing you haven’t got a PO box so would dropping it off with Strych be best??)

Also Cat Shit is apparently gonna back off from us, but is still after you. Tried to negotiate but big Devil guy y’know? This whole thing is fucked though so I’m gonna try and sort something out, I’ll let you know.

Also also it should be fine cause she’s immune now, but Nora has made it clear in no uncertain terms that she will throw any of us to the sharks if neccessary. So uh, maybe avoid her. I don’t think she’ll do anything but you never know.
Merlin’s been really nice about everything so that’s nice?’

‘Sorry for all the rambling, I’m pretty out of it, think I have a concussion. I hope you’re ok, sorry again about Mr. Pyrite and Strych, I hope you’re safe.’

Alkahest replies almost immediately, though it might have just felt that way from Ursa’s drowsy perspective:

‘Fuckin’ hell, Ursa. I can’t believe the shit you’ve just been through and you’re fretting over messaging me back too late? I hope you’re feeling a little better and the sleep did you good? I mean, I know healing magic is a thing, but if you’ve taken a beating there’s a psychological component, you know? Fuck.

‘Thank you for the cliffnote update. Who the fuck is Cliff, anyway? Why do we call them that? Like, “Hi, I’m Clifton, please enjoy my notes”? Anyway, I’m hearing that my actions in the Labyrinth have had something of a Butterfly Effect. Which sucks, especially if it put you in danger. I mean, I’m not claiming responsibility for anyone’s shitty reactions, but the “Ursa in danger” part is a little hard to stomach. Maybe I should go stir up some new trouble? It’s easier to blend in with a crowd.

‘In this case the crowd is a variety of new problems for the Summer Court. I’ll be their worst fucking nightmare.

‘But I’m genuinely glad Minette got away. Hope I can meet her someday and she can try to kill me in person.

‘Laniakea’s a big fuckin’ dragon with a whole lot to keep track of. If she does remember you at all I’m sure it’ll just be ‘cause of how cute your hair is, you know? As for Mr. Pyrite, I’m not particularly interested in throwing my lot in with a guy like that anymore. From what you said he sounds like a creep, even before you consider the exploitation of a grieving woman to get his claws on a fancy book. And despite what everyone else keeps telling you, you are a good judge of character, I think.

‘AS. FOR. STRYCH. They will be receiving a sound thrashing from myself for their terrible attitude. I say ‘sound’ as in like, sonic, verbal. I’m going to tell them off for it, I mean. They aren’t very good at meeting new people; it’s like people have to “earn their respect” and they’re an asshole until then, testing them. I mean, I can be kinda similar, I guess… but that’s half of why it bugs me so much!

‘Uh Strych and I used to date, actually, a long time ago. We’re pretty similar which is why it didn’t work out. I’m glad though, I much prefer having them as a friend than anything more.

‘I realise that might be a bit of a non-sequitur, but it seemed like I should mention it. I don’t want it coming out later and causing a huge misunderstanding like in those Huge Grant movies or whatever. You know.

‘Oh hey speaking of movies and stuff I finished Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood! Hadn’t watched much (any) anime before and this was a good one to start with! My favourite character was Winry, like, I really liked how everyone else was kickin’ ass and she was the only character that didn’t fight, but like despite that she was still one of the bravest and most capable ones?

‘Anyway yeah I’m not recommending any gifts for Strych because they don’t deserve one, and they KNOW they don’t deserve one. I absolutely deserve a gift, though; please come drop it off at Strych’s, yes.

‘Don’t you worry about Cait-síth. If you’ve got yourself some breathing room, that’s a big relief for me. I can take care of myself.

‘And Nora? I think if she’s threatening to burn to the ground anyone who isn’t part of the team, that’s just her fucked up way of trying to inspire camaraderie. I mean, she couldn’t even ask me what I was doing at Ikea without pointing a gun at my junk and eating half the meatballs on my plate. Obviously if she looks like she’s going to act on her threats, give her what for, but otherwise I’d try to extend her some grace.

‘Plus, if the mercenary sentiments she expressed are what led to Merlin being nice? That’s a positive! I doubt he trusts her either, but that probably means he trusts you. I don’t think he has the patience to pretend to like someone.

‘But Ursa, no apologies are necessary. I don’t really know why you’d think they were. Anyone would think you cared about my opinion of you!

‘Which technically means it’s a compliment, right?

‘How about the next time you want to apologise, you save me the trouble of translating it and just say “Alkahest, you’re cool and handsome” or “Alkahest you’re a sparkling conversationalist” or “Alkahest I’ve never seen someone eat so many empanadas in one sitting” yeah?’

Ursa reads and re-reads the texts several times with wide eyes, before realising she is not paying attention to the movie she’s just put on or eating the pierogi she’s just made. ‘Fuck it,’ she says to herself.

‘Omg of course I’m fretting! I bet you were worried sick, 5 minutes without a giant essay from Ursa??? You must’ve thought I’d died. No need to worry though, I’m still kicking AND I have cute plasters ✌

She sends a selfie with some multi-coloured plasters on her face, a large bruise on her cheek, sticking her tongue out.

Jokes aside, I’m loads better than yesterday, thanks for asking. I’m just so worn out 😵😵😵 Gonna eat this whole bowl of pierogi and rewatch Lord of the Rings.

She sends a picture of a big bowl of pierogi in front of her TV screen showing the title card for Fellowship of the Ring.

(I don’t know how many empanadas you can eat in one sitting but if its not at least this many, I’m not gonna be impressed sorry. Also I know pierogi and empanadas aren’t the same but yeah. Get on my level.)

Literally because the Guy’s name was Cliff 🙈 (Totally just googled that ✌)

As much as I like the idea if you wreaking havoc in my name (very hot btw, ty 😳😳😳) more trouble might not be a good idea. This whole thing has made me realise the fey are absolutely fucking BONKERS. Who goes from tracking someone down to stealing an apocalypse book from a terrifying ancient dragon in like a few weeks??? And I don’t think this is even end game for Cat Shit???

They’re all clearly unhinged and I’m not gonna just stand by and let them burn the city to the ground to find you. And not just cause I REALLY don’t want them to find you.

I might have some strings I can pull, just lie low for a bit longer. Hopefully we can get this all sorted. 🤞🤞🤞 Sushi’s on you when its all sorted though yeah? 😜

You definitely don’t need to shout at Strych!! I 100% understand why they were a little pissy with us, it might be hard to believe but I was definitely not my most charming self 🙈 And, on top of that, we not only brought them stolen goods to look at, we did lead that furry little shit right to their door! Like, anyone would be annoyed, they were just doing you a favour and it totally spiraled out of control!
And I think the respect thing is fair? Why bother being nice to people who aren’t worth your respect/don’t respect you?? I super get it. Seems a bit like a defense mechanism (Now I’M the backseat psychologist! 🤓)

And even if you think they don’t deserve a gift, they did really help us out so I still want to get them something! That and I really, REALLY want them to think I’m cool 😎 (Can’t show you up to your friends omgggg)

Thank you for the heads up, I have never seen a Huge Grant movie (several Hugh Grant movies though 😉) but the romcom trope of miscommunications making everything fall apart makes me cringe SO HARD.

I’m a little obsessed with how aesthetic you two would’ve been as a couple??? Like jeeze, I know a lot of Outsiders are supernaturally hot (har har) but come on, you two really take the cake 😳😳😳

I’m so glad you enjoyed Brotherhood!!! DID YOU CRY AT HUGH??? I WAS A WRECK!!!! I think Al is my favourite character but Hawkeye is VERY CLOSE!!! The lady who made the original manga also makes one called Silver Spoon which is about farming/food production, so TOTALLY different vibe but its really, really good! I kinda feel like you’re a bit of a foodie so I think you’d enjoy it!

Nora… well… if I’m 100% honest, she really fucked me off 🤣 I know its just a self-preservation instinct (Catshit had just turned up all like ‘oh someone’s out to get you!’ afterall) but uh, she said some things that REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. And getting thrown to the sharks is an option even for members of the team apparently! 🙃

Obvs gonna try not to let this change our work relationship but I am side-eyeing her HARD rn y’know?

Also, what? She never mentioned that 🤣

Omg now I want ikea meatballssssss 😫

I guess I’m grateful that her having a go meant Merlin softened up a bit. Bless him, I gave him a hug and he said HE’D NEVER BEEN HUGGED BEFORE!!! 😭😭😭 I nearly cried omg.

I know you said no apologies and I know it turns out Mr Pyrite was way more of a creep and who would want to work with someone like that, but still. If my actions make your life harder, well, harder than I’ve already made it omg (Can you even imagine how different things would be if I hadn’t charmed you in ikea????? (Still sorry about that too btw) It literally keeps me up at night, what a fucking wild world) then that sucks. So uh, yeah, I’m still sorry.

Unfortunately I deeply care about your opinion of me 🤣 I dunno if its a compliment but yeah, it is what it is 🤷‍♀️

Here are some compliments just for you, but these aren’t apology compliments, I just think you deserve some!

Alkahest your sense of style and aesthetic is just, top notch y’know? chef’s kiss

Alkahest you’re really funny and make me laugh a bunch!

Alkahest you’re probably not as good as eating empanadas as I am but you still make a good effort! 😘

⁂

Alkahest begins his reply near-immediately, but when Ursa’s selfie with the bruises and such comes through, he deletes what he’s put so far and waits a little bit longer. He reads the whole thing. When he’s sure that there’s no more coming, he heads upstairs to find Strych in their reading room, currently nose-deep in The Secret of Ventriloquism.

‘Strych? I need to ask for a little advice,’ he says.

Strych groans and puts down their book. ‘Has she finally sent you nudes?’ they ask. ‘Because I categorically refuse to help you “compose” a response for that one, bud.’
Alkahest gives a fake oh-you’re-so-very-hilarious laugh and shows Strych part of the message.

‘A little pissy?’ says Strych.

‘Not that part, you dunce. The part where she’s put “very hot”.’

‘Perhaps she thinks you’re hot?’

‘No, I–’ Alkahest throws up his arms. ‘I just, how do I respond to that without, y’know, reading too much into it?’

Strych regards him like a biologist might regard a coyote gnawing off its own leg to escape a steel trap, if said coyote was also holding a box labelled ‘ACME Steel Trap Kit’.

⁂

I was worried sick, yeah. Of course I was. Frankly I prefer being a person that worries in a situation like this, ‘cause any version of me that wouldn’t sounds like a sack of shit. As much as I like to see a pretty face, I don’t like seeing it bruised, you know? Cute plasters notwithstanding.

Hey fun fact: I’ve never actually gotten around to watching any of the Lord of the Rings movies. I liked the Peeper Jackson Kong King movie though? Double fun fact, I’ve never actually tried a pierogi either! Now I am the one who is the inexperienced baby one.

In one sitting I can eat six point two billion empanadas. I’m actually an empanada demon torn whole-cloth from the nightmares of Robert Empanada, the inventor of the empanada. I drove him out of business in 1520 A.D and since then have been cursed that I can never rest until I have eaten every empanada that has been or will ever be made.

It’s a living.

Now, the Fae are indeed fucking unhinged in every observable way. I cannot dispute this. All they want to do is play up their archetypes and center themselves as the protagonists of whatever story they assume is going on around them. Right now, you and I – and Merlin and Nora – are tangled up in a Summer Court revenge plot. So there are two ways we make it through intact:

1: we play the game better than they do. We hit the beats in the right order and we craft such a compelling narrative that Titania herself can’t help but want to go with it.

2: we don’t play the game at all. We leave it with an unsatisfying conclusion, we make it so that – from their point of view – there’s an anticlimax, despite things being “resolved”. And they’ll sweep it under the rug ‘cause it ain’t entertaining.

Either way? Wreaking havoc might be what we need. Especially if, uh, you think it’s hot.

That said, if you have string you think would be worth a quick tug? Obviously that’s something to pursue. I trust your judgement implicitly.

I already spoke to Strych. Between you and me, it’s pretty obvious they do think you’re cool. They’ve asked me about you so that alone should speak volumes. They don’t deserve gifts just for doing me a favour though. They like books and occult stuff, if you’re absolutely insisting, but I think you probably got that vibe already.

Um don’t think too hard about the heads-up on relationship stuff, it’s just good communication. Is Hugh Grant Huge’s brother or something? I thought Huge Grant’s brother was called Jeng or something.’

Here, Alkahest had originally typed out ‘Hey I know I asked for compliments but you don’t gotta keep saying I’m hot or whatever!’

He’s since deleted that and elected not to address it. He doesn’t want to sound like he’s uncomfortable, but he also doesn’t want to sound like he’s fishing for clarification. It occurs to him that ignoring it might be just as bad, but at least that way it’s not because he said the wrong thing.

I think I was too shocked to cry at Huge! I’d like to check out more of Hiromu Arakawa’s work, especially if it’s got food stuff in. I used to like the idea of having a farm, actually. I like cows. Particularly Holsteins. And Belted Galloways too, now that I think about it.

Nora’s a hardass. We know that already. If she’s threatening members of the team, do you think that’s based not on you specifically but the concept of teams in general? I mean, if it doesn’t change your work relationship then I guess she just doesn’t actually know you properly yet.

I’m happy to hear that things are good with Merlin, though I have to extend my sympathies since you had to hug him. I’m sorry for your loss (of dignity).

Your actions have literally only made things better for me. If you hadn’t Charmed me then the Fae would have sabotaged my efforts and I might already be dead. My life is richer for your presence within it. Don’t fucking apologise for that.

But I get it. You’re worried because you care. And, if it’s my opinion you care about? Well my opinion is that I care about you a whole lot. So I can empathise.

Now, compliment battle: return fire.

Speaking of style, your whole look and demeanor is the shiniest fucking thing I’ve ever seen and is very very Ursa (which is the highest compliment I could give to anything).

Speaking of fun, you’re sharp and interesting and just a hell of a lot of fun to talk to.

Speaking of eating empanadas, HOW DARE YOU, THE SHEER AUDACITY IS STAGGERING, YOU’LL REGRET THOSE WORDS

⁂

Ursa has read Alkahest’s messages so many times she would probably be able to recite them word for word. She keeps trying to draft a reply but just deletes it each time. Eventually she brings up her contacts and, rather sheepishly, calls one of her Siblings.

Panna picks up after the sixth ring.

‘And what could my loveliest little sister be calling me for, hmm?’

Ursa rolls her eyes. They make this joke every time. ‘Ok, I’m your only little sister, Panna. That doesn’t get any funnier each time you say it.’

‘Ok, ok, what’s up? You sound, hmm, tense?’

‘I just, um, I think I need some… relationship advice?’

‘Oh sorry, you must not be our Orsolya then, she’s not interested in-‘

‘Panna come onnnnnnn! I’m really out of my depth here.’

‘Ok, ok, one sec.’ There are some shuffling noises. Silence for a moment. Then Panna’s voice comes through again. ‘Ok, come on, hit me.’

‘Ok, so, I met this guy at work-‘

‘This isn’t that coffeeshop guy is it? I don’t want him messing you around again-‘

‘Panna ohmygod, I left there ages ago. This is a new job!’

‘Sorry, sorry. So what is this new job?’

‘Ok, that’s not the important bit, I’ll catch everyone up soon, ok, so this guy!’

‘Yes. A guy. Ok.’

‘We’re texting. It’s going well. I, um, really like him. Like, really, really like him. Like… I’ve gone mildly insane with how much I like him.’

‘Aw little Solya, your first love! Oh, hmm, please tell me its not another human-‘

‘No! No it’s, well, uh – anyway, I’m starting to kinda maybe get the vibe that there’s like a small chance he might… maybe like me back!?’

‘Ok?’

‘…You don’t understand Panna, he is SO out of my league, like, on a COSMIC LEVEL. I honestly, there’s no hope in hell, literally, but, like, now, I–‘

‘I don’t really see a problem here Solya? You like him? He likes you? Go on a date?’

‘It’s, uh, we’re having to kinda do long-distance stuff right now.’

‘Ok, well, a virtual date? Text him how you feel? Send an internet kiss?’

‘Panna, please, I can’t just, is that what you’re supposed to do? Just blurt it out? What if he doesn’t feel the same way? What if I’m misreading the signs?’

‘Well then, I guess it might be awkward for a little bit.’

‘Panna!’

‘Solya. If you like this man, and it seems like you do, just be honest with him. You shouldn’t let your fear of rejection put you off reaching out to someone you feel strongly for. Especially considering that I have never known you to feel strongly about anyone.’

Ursa hesitates. She doesn’t really want to voice the truth. ‘…I’m really scared, Panna. I really, really don’t want to fuck this up.’

‘Then don’t.’  Their reply is so blunt that Ursa flinches.

‘I don’t know how though,’ Ursa whines, fiddling with her hair. She stares up at the ceiling with watery eyes. ‘I don’t know how to do this, I don’t know-‘

‘Yes you do. Be your usual charming self. Don’t let what happened before hold you back. Love is a beautiful and joyous thing. You spread it so easily to others yet never take any for yourself. I’m sure he is as enamoured with you as you are he. Besides, little Solya, you are famous now! You are not out of anybody’s league!’

‘Omg shut up, I’m not famous, it was just one video!’ Ursa pauses. ‘Um, thanks Panna, I think I feel a bit better.’

‘Anytime.’

‘Could you, uh, not tell Mama and Tata about this? I’m not super ready for them to-‘

‘Oh sorry, they are here. You are on speakerphone.’

‘PANNA!’

Ursa immediately hangs up as she hears a clamour of excited voices, heart racing in her chest.

‘Oh fuck.’

She goes and makes herself a latte to calm down, the process more of a comfort than the actual drink. When her head feels a bit clearer, she steels herself and replies, trying to ignore the flutter in her heart.

⁂

‘Omg, I’m so sorry, I was just joking, I didn’t realise you’d actually be worried!!! Aw Alkahest, you’re making me cry!!! 😭😭😭😭 I’m really sorry though, I know how much it sucks if you’re worrying and waiting for someone to let you know they’re ok (I, uh, might have downplayed how worried I was before with the blink dogs and stuff haha)

DO NOT WATCH THEM!!!!! I call dibs! I’m adding that to the list of stuff we’re doing when everything is sorted and safe etc! You, me, all 3 extended editions, blanket fort, popcorn (or movie snack of your choice) 12+ hours of entertainment!!!! YES!
Also, they’re much better than the King Kong movie, I mean 4ish hours of movie and she doesn’t even get with the monkey??? Come on!

I think you’ll like pierogi! My Mama makes the absolute BEST ONES (she sends me care packages of them bless her) another thing to add to the list! (Unless Strych could get them to you while they’re still frozen? Although I don’t want them to feel like a messenger pigeon 🤣)

I will acquiesce my crown if this is true, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is all lies and slander. 🧐🧐🧐

I think my string is more option 2? As much as I wanna get this sorted right away, it might take me a bit to set up a meeting and stuff so just give me some time. After that maybe we should discuss, uh, other options.

And don’t just do things because I think they’re hot – I already think you’re hot, don’t worry 😉

I have some ideas for a Strych present, hopefully will nip out tomorrow and then drop things off the day after. Could you give them like a heads up text? Obvs I don’t expect to be invited in, can just pop through the letterbox worst case, but yeah, it’d be nice to at least apologise in person.

And don’t worry about the heads up! I really appreciate it! It just shows we are good at communicating and that’s definitely a good thing. 😘

My ex is just a human and not really important enough to mention (although she DID message me the other day omg) but I’m an open book!

I think Hugh Grant’s brother is called James?

I’d really recommend Silver Spoon then! I think Hiromu Arakawa grew up on a farm so its a really interesting insight and then obvs her characters are fucking great! If you want other food-related anime I have another I could recommend but it depends on how fan-service-y you like your anime 🤣🤣🤣 (Or how much you’ll judge me for liking fan-service-y anime 😳)

Also those belted galloways? CUTEST FUCKING COWS! They’re so fluffy!!!! 😭😭😭
Was it intentional that they’re all black and white or does the aesthetic just run that deep??

I understand 200% that Nora has issues with teams and she is lashing out not because of me but because of her own bs… BUT STILL. I’m obvs gonna let it go and still try and work on a relationship with her (I wouldn’t want someone to not want to get to know me better bc of my bs after all) but I’m just riled up. She said some choice things about, uh, you, and… yeah. I’ll be fine. Its fine.

And I have lost no dignity for hugging Merlin. He clearly washes and I have no problem hugging my friends! Its nice to think of Merlin as an actual friend! The resident Artificer at the institute said she considered me a friend as well and I was SO HAPPY! (I didn’t hug her but that’s because she was on a lathe)

I’mmmmmm gonna get super real here so, bear with me. Legit, I was pretty sure you’d be like… angry at me? I mean, being on the run and having to hide out from homicidal fey doesn’t exactly sound fun?? And if I hadn’t had charmed you, sure, you probs wouldn’t have the bones still, but maybe you’d be free? You saying that you actually like me being in your life???? Um, big relief, thank you.

I really care about you, like a whole bunch. Like… maybe more than is entirely reasonable. 😳 Its my worst nightmare thinking that I’m making your life worse, cause, you’ve like made mine loads better. So uh, yeah. Thanks.

ANYWAY!

I’d take part in another compliment battle, but I think you’ve got me beat, I’m still blushing. 😳

Except the empanada thing. I’ll fight you for that one.

After sending her response to Alkahest, Ursa texts Panna.

Ok, I’ve pretty much told him, if this crashes and burns it’s all on you. ALSO STILL PRETTY MAD YOU HAD ME ON SPEAKERPHONE.

lol

Ursa rolls her eyes and turns her phone off, settling in for ‘The Return of the King.’

⁂

Ursa spends the next day shopping and running errands; as well as buying a gift for Strych, she finds a pink satin Balmain suit in the charity shop, which she buys IMMEDIATELY. She posts a video launching her merch store (with the Monster shirts/prints/stickers) and the giveaway she’s doing (suggest the next song for her to cover, and the best suggestion will win a merch bundle). She texts Alkahest in the late afternoon, doing her best to not worry about his lack of replies.

‘Hey, I got Strych a present! I think they’ll like it! Let me know if they’re ok with me nipping over tomorrow and if there’s any time that would be good for them. No worries if not, I can always just post it if need be! :)’

The reply is brief.

‘Hey is tomorrow morning good for you? They should be in then.’

⁂

Ursa focused intently on the sound of her feet on the gravel drive. The last time she was here, she insulted her host, got followed by a feline policeman, and had Nora declare that she’d have no trouble throwing others to the Fae if doing so would be convenient.

It hadn’t been a pleasant day.

She rapped on the door, and within moments it had swung open to reveal Strych’s usual expression of mild disinterest. They were dressed much more casually than on her last visit, with a black jumper and simple set of trousers.

‘Hello!’ said Ursa, her voice maybe an octave higher than intended. ‘Um, hopefully Alkahest’s told you to expect me; I just wanted to nip by and drop a “thank you and sorry” gift? Are you, uh, are you okay?’

‘Come in if you’re coming in,’ said Strych, retreating inwards.

The doorway wasn’t particularly inviting, but Ursa went through anyway. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘Alkahest didn’t put you up to this, did he? Because if he did I can just leave things on the doorstep and get out of your–‘

‘I mean, you can leave if you want?’

‘No! No I don’t want to just–‘

‘Then come on in. Of course Alkahest put me up to this,’ said Strych, pausing before the dining room with the table they’d all sat at before. ‘But that’s… well, just don’t freak out, okay?’

Ursa immediately began to freak out, but Strych either didn’t notice or didn’t care. They simply left the door open behind them.

A Demon with black and white eyes sat at the table. He didn’t have his feet up, but he looked like he wanted to.

‘Alkahest,’ said Ursa.

She left the room, and stood in the hallway for a minute. He was still there when she returned.

‘Alkahest!’ she said, once more and with feeling. ‘Oh my god, hi! What are you doing here? You didn’t just come here because I was going to be here, did you? Is it safe? Am I dreaming? Hi!!’

Wait that last one was embarrassing, she thought. And a bit of a cliché, maybe?

‘So, uh, I’ll answer your questions in order. I’m here hiding out, this is the safehouse. No, I’ve been living here for a couple weeks. Yeah, it’s safe ’cause of all the wards. And I don’t think you’re dreaming? Unless none of this is real and we’re all imaginary characters.’

‘Wait, a couple weeks? Strych said you weren’t here last time!’

Strych cleared their throat. ‘Actually, I was asked if he was in the basement. And at the time, he was not in the basement.’

‘I was in the kitchen,’ supplied Alkahest.

‘Although, if your short friend had asked “is he in the kitchen” I would still have said no. I’m not like, honor-bound to speak the truth. Anyway, I’m told there are presents?’

Ursa nodded slowly, then realised a verbal response was needed. ‘Oh. Yeah!’

Alkahest snorted. ‘Ursa, you’re already aware of Strych’s somewhat… brusque demeanor, yes?’

‘Oh, well, last time I was here we were kind of in crisis mode so–‘

Strych interrupted. ‘I should explain a bit about that. So… the cat, the one that followed you, the one looking for Alkahest? It couldn’t get in here. The place is warded pretty good.

‘But I didn’t want the cat to find that out, because that would cause… some suspicion. So if I was a little pushy, then–‘

‘Oh, you don’t have to apologise!’ said Ursa.

‘I’m not apologising,’ said Strych.

‘Oh.’

‘Yeah. So, if I was a little pushy, I think that was justified. Now you know.’

On the other side of the table, Alkahest rolled his eyes. ‘Why are you like this?’

‘Like what? Correct? Anyway, presents?’

Ursa hastily got out her offerings. For Strych, she’d managed to find a first edition copy of ‘Gleams of Light and Glimpses Thro’ the Rift‘ in a shop near the one she’d found her suit in. It had been a lucky day, and the shopkeep had required only a mild Charming to agree to let her pay in three parts.

Strych immediately went at it, retreating in entirety from the conversation.

Alkahest paused in his opening of the box he’d been presented to shake his head at Strych, but his eyes lit up when he saw what was inside.

It was the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location she’d commissioned from Emva. ‘Is this what I think it is?’

‘Well, that depends on what you think it is,’ said Ursa. Stupid. Stupid joke, she thought.

‘You know what this means, Ursa?’

‘Uh. What?’

‘It means I can go to my meeting!’

‘Uh. What?’

‘So, uh, you remember I mentioned a power vacuum at the top of the Infernal hierarchy? And how, in my view, we could do a lot better as a culture if we were to abolish the whole “double dictator” system?

‘Well, the reason for that vacuum is because for the first time in a long time, both the Demon king and the Devil king are simultaneously dead. Usually the surviving one will help oversee the installation of their counterpart. But in this case, some Angel got them both at once.’

Don’t say ‘Uh, what’ again, Ursa thought furiously. ‘Um. Okay?’ she said. Nailed it.

‘So both sides are champing at the bit to bring in new leaders, the better to claim revenge and-slash-or defend us from further attacks. My personal view is that this is incredibly short-sighted.

‘To that end, I managed to arrange a meeting with a well-respected an influential Demon some time ago. And if I convince her not to endorse any specific candidate, I believe others will actually listen.’

Strych chimed in without looking up. ‘Believe it or not, our Alkahest is something of a polarising figure in Infernal society. Sort of like Marmite, though he has – as of yet – never been reduced to a brown paste. Does this mean I don’t have to do your meeting?’

‘I mean, you could still come if you want–‘

Strych had already left the room with their book. Ursa watched them go.

‘What was that about?’ she asked.

‘Oh. ‘Cause I’m laying low I’d asked Strych to go in my place; I mean, sending someone in my place was rude, but much better than just a no-show. And now they don’t have to. You may have noticed already, but Strych is incredibly lazy.’

‘You know, I did get that impression when they smoked down the stairs instead of walking.’

‘It was a miracle they’d changed out of pajamas when you first visited.’

Alkahest had begun to fidget a bit. ‘Hey,’ he said, suddenly. ‘Do you want to come with me? To the meeting, I mean?’

‘Uh. Wha…y would you want me to come?’

‘Well, you could be my business wingman! Help me make a good impression with sparkling conversation? Make it seem like I’m not just some anti-establishment loner?’

‘Oh. I wouldn’t want to intrude, I can get going if–‘

‘Ursa, I was hoping we could hang out a little. This amulet has mixed things up a bit, but… I mean, why do you think I suggested you visiting today, when Strych would later be heading out to a meeting?’

Ursa froze. She didn’t even say ‘Uh, what’ or anything.

‘Because I wanted to spend some time chatting with you, you know?’ Alkahest clarified. He’d perhaps gone a little pink.

‘M-maybe we could go get some coffee before your meeting, then?’

⁂

Ursa and Alkahest sat in a café run by an old-school family of Orcs, with the former regaling the latter with the story of how she and Merlin met Nora. There’d been a Do Not Serve notice with a blurry photo of someone who might have been Ursa on the wall, which required some explanation.

They’d travelled here in a 2000 Nissan Micra, which Alkahest had been very embarrassed about and Ursa didn’t see a problem with. But being out for the first time in a while seemed to be making the Demon anxious, so they’d headed into this quiet coffee shop to try and relax a bit.

‘So, meeting,’ said Ursa, eventually.

‘Oh, we should probably be heading over, yeah,’ said Alkahest. He’d stopped looking over his shoulder.

‘What’s the plan? I don’t have to pretend to be a Demon, do I?’

‘No, no, nothing like that. Though I don’t think you should mention working at the Caliber Institute.’

They were making their way to the agreed location now, a bistro within walking distance named The Swallow. The sign above the door featured the bird, and not anything else.

They sat at a table in the back, and waited for Erabu to arrive.

Erabu was a Marilith, and a general with widely-respected military prowess. She’d led armies across multiple worlds, even venturing into the worlds of Life and coming away victorious. It had been largely expected that she’d step up to the role as Demon King, so when she’d vehemently declined calls to ascend it had come at quite a shock.

Many influencers among Infernal society were watching to see what she’d do next. Did she have someone better in mind? Did she know of another candidate that she didn’t want to challenge? Was she already working for whoever was the future King?

Ursa’s mouth got a bit dry as Alkahest briefed her on all this. She flagged down the waiter, a nervous-looking Satyr, to ask if he’d cater with a drink he could make her.

He nodded (not much of a debater).

And Erabu entered the room.

Despite wearing a human guise, complete with two legs, she still managed to give off the impression of slithering. Her hair was held in a neat bun by no fewer than six chopsticks.

‘Erabu!’ said Alkahest, leaping up to shake her hand.

‘So, Alkahest… I wasn’t sure if you’d make it,’ said Erabu, sitting down.

‘I wouldn’t miss this come hell or high water,’ said Alkahest, pulling the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location from his shirt so she could see it for a moment. ‘This is my friend Ursa, by the way. She helped me get out of the house, as it were.’

Erabu shook Ursa’s hand too, but shushed Alkahest when he continued talking. ‘Before any of that,’ she said, ‘This is a lunch meeting. I want to eat.’

The waiter was still shifting from foot to foot as he took their order, pointedly looking anywhere but at the Demons. Ursa hoped it was just because he was intimidated.

He retreated to the kitchen with an order for fettuccine Alfredo (Alkahest), spaghetti carbonara (Ursa), and spaghetti aglio, olio, e peperoncino (Erabu). This is not important to the plot, but it is important to the writer.

‘Right. So,’ said Erabu, after he’d gone. ‘You’ve been wanting to hold this meeting ever since the Kings were… removed. What is it you wish to discuss, Mr. Alkahest? I assume it’s related to said lack of leadership?’

‘Yeah, it is. Specifically, it’s about an endorsement.’

‘Oh? Alkahest, you never struck me as the type to take charge, not like this. Was all that about collectivism just posturing?’

‘No! No. I don’t mean me.’

Erabu looked down her nose at him. Her pupils darted over to Ursa. ‘Surely you don’t–‘

Hastily, Ursa interjected. ‘No! No, not me either!’

This got a grin. Erabu leaned forwards, resting her elbows on their table. ‘That would have been something, though, wouldn’t it? I could see him going for something outside the bun like that. How’d you two meet, anyway?’

Alkahest cleared his throat. ‘Oh, it’s not much of a story–‘

‘I didn’t ask you.’

Erabu kept smiling as she said it, at least.

Ursa cleared her throat too, trying not to sound like she was copying Alkahest. ‘Oh, we met recently on… we both were after a specific item. There was actually a haunted Ikea? Neither of us managed to get them item; there were other factors at play, but… you know, we struck up a friendship.’

‘So you’re a treasure hunter?’

‘Something like that. That’s my day job. Otherwise I do Youtube stuff, actually.’

‘Oh, really? I’ll be honest, I don’t know a lot about new media. But if you’re a treasure hunter and a Youtuber, what are you doing here today?’

‘Well, I don’t know how… I suppose it depends on how things go, but we’re working together on a number of things. We really compliment each other. In terms of our skillsets, I mean.’

Erabu nodded. ‘Alright, alright. So. Alkahest, feel free to join in again. What is it you have in mind? If you’re not trying to have me endorse you as potential King, what are you aiming for? Because – I should warn you – I’ve been approached by a number of people for that very reason.’

‘Well, that’s sort of what I’m asking. Uh.’ He hesitated.

Ursa, lower than a whisper, told him ‘You can do this,’ caramelising her words with inspirational Bardic magic.

Alkahest breathed out.

‘What I’m hoping is for us to take this opportunity. Because when, in our history, has there ever been a time without either of our Kings? It’s unprecedented. So what I’d like to ask is… why? Why do we need to have monarchs? Why do we need some giant fuckin’ Fiend sat atop a throne of skulls, stepping on everybody else to get their own way, directing our whole culture towards their personal interests? Why can’t we look out for each other? We’re the ones who actually get things done; why can’t we be doing them for ourselves?’

Ursa thought it sounded quite appealing, but apparently Erabu didn’t feel the same way. Maybe she’d heard it before. She just raised her eyebrows slightly, saying nothing.

‘What Alkahest is trying to say,’ said Ursa, ‘Is that you’ve all been suffering under tyrants for as long as you’ve existed. And it clearly doesn’t work for everyone. So Alkahest is proposing something that could; instead of a monarchy, something a bit more… diplomatic? A bit fairer?’

There was a shift to Erabu’s expression; minute, but still there. If she’d heard all this before, then maybe hearing it from someone other than Alkahest made it feel fresh again?

‘Okay,’ she said, eventually. ‘I’ll hear you out. You’re proposing that, rather than endorsing someone, I instead say “why do we need single candidates”, is that what you’re suggesting?’

‘More or less, yeah,’ said Alkahest.

Their food had arrived now, giving those present time to mull things over. Ursa, though, couldn’t help but follow the waiter’s movements – he looked over his shoulder, twice, on his way back to the kitchen.

‘Urgh, just one second, guys,’ she said, getting up. ‘I just want to have a word…’

Alkahest gave a thumbs-up. He already had a mouthful of fettucine.

In the kitchen, Ursa quickly cornered the Satyr waiter. There was a vanilla human chef working away, who seemed surprised at Ursa’s presence, but quickly surmised that the waiter could handle it as she was far too busy herself.

‘Hey,’ said Ursa, noting the sweat on the waiter’s brow. ‘I can’t help but notice that you’re a little nervous?’

‘What?’ said the waiter. ‘No, no. I’m fine. Is, uh, is everything fine? Is everything okay, I mean? With your meal?’

Ursa gave a sweet smile, lowering her voice. ‘The food’s fine, don’t worry about that. I just wanted to say you don’t need to be intimidated just because they’re Demons. And you especially don’t need to, oh, report who you’ve seen to anyone.’

‘Uh,’ said the waiter.

‘Come on. I saw you recognise him. I’m not trying to threaten you or anything, just, please don’t let the court know, we’re only–‘

There came a deafening crack as the door was opened with such force it nearly came off its hinges. Erabu stormed into the kitchen, legs shifting and blurring together to form a snake tail. She slithered towards Ursa and the waiter, two hands coming up to the sticks in her hair and becoming six as she pulled them free; the sticks themselves becoming swords as she bore down on them.

‘What the fuck do you think you’re doing, trying to poison us?!’ she hissed. ‘It’ll take much more than that weak shit to drop me, you’ll find.’

Ursa realised Erabu was looking at her, not the waiter.

Oh, no.

Luckily, the waiter cracked first. ‘I-it’s just a sleeping draught!’ he stammered.

‘It was you, was it?!’ said Erabu, smoothly channeling her ire to the side a little bit.

‘There was a notice put out! If anyone spotted the black-and-white Demon guy we were to detain him and let the Summer Court know! I’m sorry, I was just doing what the notice–‘

A sword came up to his throat. ‘I don’t give a shit about any notices, dickhead. You drugged my spaghetti.’

The chef, watching from behind a pan of melted butter, sounded almost as furious as Erabu. ‘Oy, you can’t just barge into the kitchen! Wait, is that a knife?’

Ursa had to interject. ‘Wait, wait! We can’t just kill him! Shit.’ The chef was heading for them. She didn’t have her usual gear, so had to hum a little tune to cast Sleep, timing it so nothing got knocked over as the chef dropped.

‘Of course we can kill him. What’s he going to do to stop me?’ said Erabu, darkly.

‘I don’t mean like that!’ said Ursa. ‘I mean… think of how much of a mess that’d be!’

Erabu said nothing, but she did at least hesitate. Ursa scrambled for more ammunition.

‘Plus, we can question him if there’s an antidote?’

‘Is there an antidote?’ asked Erabu.

The Satyr nodded emphatically, and gestured towards what was presumably his coat hanging up on the wall. Ursa retrieved it to find three identical empty vials and two more filled with a clear liquid. In another pocket were five vials, each of these filled with a substance that looked a lot like espresso.

‘One of those should counteract the draught,’ said the waiter. ‘Can I go?’

‘You can go to fuckin’ sleep,’ said Erabu, and forced the contents of the two remaining clear vials down his throat.

In seconds, he’d begun to snore like a landslide.

⁂

Alkahest had been face down in his fettucine when Ursa gave him the antidote. He awoke with a start, and tried to wipe the sauce of his face with little success.

‘It’s a good job this one’s keeping an eye on you, Alkahest,’ said Erabu, jabbing a finger towards Ursa. ‘You nearly got disappeared.’

‘Huhseewhan?’ said Alkahest.

‘Now, let’s–‘ there came a growl from Erabu’s stomach, interrupting her. ‘We have a meeting to finish. And I’m still hungry,’ she added.

⁂

‘Alright, you can stop trying to convince me,’ said Erabu, dipping her last Chicken McNugget® in McDonald’s Smoky BBQ Dip. ‘I’ll abstain from suggesting a candidate. And I’ll make it known that it’s because I’m picking “no candidate”, not that I’m not picking at all.’

Alkahest managed to look both grateful and deeply uncomfortable, taking a sip of his McCafé® Toffee Latte. He’d managed to get the Alfredo sauce off his face, but its spectre still lingered. ‘Thanks, Erabu. Is there anything I can do to pay you back?’

‘I’m not doing it as a favour, I’m doing it because you might be right. And because… listen, I want to tell you who I was going to endorse, if you hadn’t come to me with this.’

‘Hm?’

‘Panacea’s back.’

Alkahest coughed, narrowly keeping from spraying his McCafé® Toffee Latte across the tablets provided by McDonald’s for the convenience of its valued customers.

⁂

‘Panacea is my sister,’ said Alkahest, as he and Ursa drove back to Strych’s house. ‘She’s… well, we haven’t spoken in a long while. Don’t really see eye-to-eye. But the thing is, like it or not, we are pretty similar. We both agree that the two-kings system is a shitty one. Only, well, we have different ideas on what the end result should be.’

‘…Is she dangerous?’ asked Ursa.

Alkahest said nothing.

⁂

Quite without thinking, Alkahest had driven straight back to Strych’s, and now he and Ursa stood outside.

‘We can get back in the car and I can give you a ride home!’ said Alkahest. ‘It’s my fault for forgetting!’

‘Honestly, it’s fine!’ said Ursa.

Alkahest seemed to be looking everywhere but at her. When she spoke, his eyes were firmly affixed on the chimney at the corner of the roof above.

‘Look,’ said Ursa, ‘I know things got a bit out of hand, but… I still really enjoyed spending some time together.’

‘I just wish I’d stayed awake for it all, y’know?’

‘Well, there’s always next time? After all this blows over?’

‘Haha, yeah.’

He finally looked her in the eye. It was obvious that neither of them really wanted to say goodbye to the other.

So, Ursa took a deep breath, and leaned in to kiss him. It was brief, and modest, and it terrified her.

‘We’ll message later, yeah? I’ll see you soon!’ said Ursa, retreating down the drive. She thought he was smiling as she fled.