Awkward Conversations

Ursa hasn’t realised she had drifted off, but when she opens her eyes, she’s not in a cage on a world not her own, awaiting trial for a crime she didn’t commit. Instead, it’s a glorious summer’s day and she’s laying on a field covered in daisies and buttercups, the sky clear blue and cloudless. But not empty. She sits up as she sees the silhouette of the bell from the courtroom hanging in the sky, dark and foreboding.

“Well, it’d be weird to not be worried I guess,” she says quietly to herself, getting up and brushing off any loose strands of grass. She’s wearing a lilac gingham sundress, exactly like the one she had when she was twelve.

“Ursa, you get out there and you stop this right now!” a familiar voice calls out, getting closer and closer.

Uh-oh.

Ursa turns to see Saubra—one of her Divergent Personae—striding towards her, usually serene face darkened and trembling. There’s a knot in the pit of Ursa’s stomach.

“You know I can’t-“

“Yes you can,” Saubra interrupts, getting up close and personal; she’s a head taller than Ursa on the best of days, but here she seems larger, angrier, more intimidating than she’s ever been. “Go out there and tell them the truth; we have NOTHING to do with this!”

Ursa smiles sadly, reaching out to touch Saubra’s arm. “I’m not going to just-“

“I am NOT dying for some asshole I haven’t even MET!” Saubra yells, slapping Ursa’s hand away with such force that Ursa winces.

“No one’s dying, ok?” Ursa tries her best not to roll her eyes, but you can hear it in her voice.

“You can’t tell me that THAT doesn’t frighten you!” Saubra retorts, gesturing wildly at the bell in the sky, dark grey clouds seeping out of it with a low, uneasy rumbling.

Ursa crosses her arms and looks anywhere but at Saubra, at the bell. “Ok, so the Bell is a small problem, but I’m not even-“

“A SMALL PROBLEM?”

“W-we don’t even work there anymore so-“

“Ursa!” Saubra takes hold of her shoulders, her grip harsh and uncomfortable. “I am NOT dying because you want to get off with some Demon asshole!” The knot in Ursa’s stomach winds a little tighter. “So just get over your stupid little crush, pick someone else and fucking drop this, ok?”

“Enough.” Abadallion’s voice is quiet, but it stops them in their tracks.

Both Saubra and Ursa turn to look at them, a little sheepish. Saubra lets go of Ursa’s shoulders, stepping back, and Ursa unclenches her fists, not realising she had even clenched them.

A picnic blanket appears beneath them, large, comfortable-looking and brightly coloured. It’s not Abadallion’s style at all, but still they settle down onto it. There is a soft smile on their painted black lips and they pat the blanket, gesturing to the other two. “Let’s talk.”

Ursa plops down with a sigh, her legs splayed out. Saubra sits, reluctantly at first, but then crosses her legs and places her hands gently on her knees with all the poise and grace of a crane, her eyes closed. There is silence for a moment and Ursa almost thinks she’s meditating.

“What is there to talk about? Ursa seems intent on getting us killed,” Saubra asks, her tone of voice not matching her serene visage at all.

“That’s not helpful,” Abadallion says plainly.

Saubra scowls. “Ugh. Ok. Fine.” She opens her eyes, staring straight at Ursa. “Why are you doing this?”

Before Ursa can answer, Abadallion puts their hand on Saubra’s. “We’re not debating Ursa’s feelings.”

“Well why the hell not?” Saubra retorts, “Ursa, you don’t even KNOW this guy? Why are you putting your life on the line for him? The flowers were nice, but really? Come on!” She leans back, shaking her head, crossing her arms angrily. “I just don’t understand it.”

Abadallion lets a flicker of annoyance show on their face, before returning to their neutral expression. “Saubra-“

“No it’s ok,” Ursa interrupts, eyes glued to the floor. Both Saubra and Abadallion turn to look at her. “I’ve put us in a really shitty position. If I had had more time I could’ve figured something else out maybe, but-” She sighs, deeply. “Brynner wasn’t going to listen to me. He had already decided what was happening. And I couldn’t just… I won’t be the reason he gets caught. I can’t be. So this isn’t the ideal solution, but…”

Ursa steels herself, though she still can’t bring herself to look at Saubra or Abadallion. “I won’t apologise for wanting to save someone I care about.”

“Ok, but why do you care? That’s what I’m concerned about!” Saubra says, hands gesturing wildly again.

Abadallion moves to say something, but Saubra holds up her hand. “No, don’t shush me! Ursa, you haven’t liked anyone in literal years, and then the first Demon you meet you’re gonna sacrifice yourself for him? Do you not see why I’m concerned? Do you not see how crazy this is?” She stares at Ursa with such intensity that Ursa feels like she might melt.

“I dunno. I… I guess I-” Ursa gulps hard, turning bright pink. She can’t quite bring herself to say it, even though she thinks she’s known it for a while now, “like him?”

She cringes at herself, it sounds so wishy-washy out loud, when inside it’s anything but.

“I mean, I- I haven’t felt like this before, for someone I- I want to, like, be around him and hear him laugh and make him smile and know more about him and protect him and, and-“

As she rambles, her insecure feelings spilling out clumsily, Ursa feels Saubra’s glare burn into her and suddenly there’s a fire in Ursa’s chest, and the heat from her face is making it all unbearable and uncomfortable and she can’t hold back anymore and the words just come crashing out-

“But you know what? This isn’t even that much about him? If it had been Nora, or Merlin, or Panna, or Mama or Tata, we’d still be here. I’d put my neck on the line for any of them, cause it turns out I’m really fucking loyal! Maybe stupidly loyal, but still!

“My whole deal is love and joy and creating comfort and safe spaces – that’s what I want my Youtube, my music to be! But, when it comes to my personal life, after Leto broke up with me and…”

Ursa still can’t bring herself to look at Saubra, not in the eye anyway. “Saubra, you know this better than anyone, but I haven’t let myself get close to anybody. I’ve pushed everyone away. My family, what friends I had left… Until I joined the institute, I only really had you two. I’ve been so scared that anyone I connect with will just be the same, that no one ever sees me. That I can never be enough for them and I’ll have to fit myself into what people want from me. That I have to strip myself down to be… palatable. I might be the only Changeling that doesn’t want to have to change to get people to like me.”

Ursa tries to laugh but it doesn’t come out right and she realises she’s crying. “But, with Alkahest…” Her hand hovers over her heart and she can feel it beating in her chest, hard, joined by the butterflies in her stomach.

“I don’t know if this is what love is, or if I’m just so fucked up that this is what normal friendship is supposed to be, but he makes me want to be… me? He makes me feel like its ok to be me?? He gets me?

“He encourages me to make other connections, to work on friendships and put myself out there, and change and grow and not like because he wants to change me, just because he wants me to be ok and stuff and- and- and-” She stands up suddenly, fists balled up and shining eyes wildly flicking between Saubra and Abadallion and they look taken back by her passion, the raw emotion in her voice.

“And to be honest, I’ve nearly died like three times this month- last month??? Fuck it! I don’t wanna die having never acted on this? I don’t wanna hold back on something that makes me happy! On something I want! Never a-fucking-gain!

“So yeah, maybe this is insane and stupid, maybe I’ve just been repressing myself for so long that it’s all just exploded out, maybe I’ve fallen head over heels for a guy I barely know – and maybe Brynner was right and I’m being manipulated and I’m going to die here, alone and friendless; but fuck it! If there’s even a chance it’s mutual, even the tiniest sliver he feels the same, or like, similar, I’ll chase this to the end of the fucking world. It’s worth it to me. Sorry, but not sorry.”

“Oh Ursa-” Both Saubra and Abadallion start, both scrambling up and pulling her into their arms. Held in their embrace Ursa can’t hold back the tears and they come flooding out, her entire heart pouring out with her sobs.

“Of course we know you’re loyal,” Abadallion states, their hand warm on Ursa’s back.

“I just don’t want you killing yourself over some guy-” Saubra says, wiping away Ursa’s tears gently, cupping her burning cheeks in her hands.

“Not just some guy,” Abadallion corrects.

“Ok. Not just some guy.” Saubra doesn’t hide her eye roll and Ursa almost laughs, but a sob comes out instead. “I’m sorry for doubting your feelings,” Saubra apologises, stroking Ursa’s face with such care. “I was created from your loyalty to yourself, your dreams. You’ve worked so, so, so hard; I didn’t want you throwing it away for – well, you know.” She smiles sadly. “But, I hadn’t realised, I…”

There’s a moment of silence. Saubra’s hands move back to Ursa’s shoulders, but her grip is softer, warmer. Her expression shifts into business mode. “You better have a plan to get us out of here.”

Ursa can’t bring herself to reply and just nods.

Saubra nods too and continues. “Ok, so, when we get out of here, two things. One, I get to meet him. I want to see what’s so special about this monochromatic little bitch.”

“Yeah, course,” Ursa manages, sniffling, laughing softly.

“Two, next time you see him, for the love of Camelot, give him a proper kiss.”

“Saubra!” Ursa tenses up, blushing practically from head to toe.

“I’m serious, I don’t know how to kiss people, nor am I interested in learning, but I KNOW you did a bad job.” She says it with such bluntness that Ursa doesn’t know what to do, hiding her face in her hands.

“Oh my God, Saubra, I can’t just-“

“Ursa, I’m deadly serious. I think you just bashed his nose last time, you’ve got to-“

“NO!”

“URSA!”

“FINE! OK! I’LL KISS HIS FACE OFF AND THEN WE’LL ALL GO FOR COFFEE!”

“Good. Great.”

The three of them laugh, clutching each other tightly and Ursa’s eyes close, her cheeks hot and tingly. When they open, the summer’s day is gone, and she is again locked in a cage on a world not her own, awaiting trial for a crime she did not commit.

But her heart feels fuller now, her shoulders set back, chin high and full of determination. The fear still coils around her stomach and she can feel it tightening, but her fists clench in her lap, and she encourages the fire burning away in her chest.

“I can do this,” she whispers to herself, and although she’s not sure she believes it, hearing it out loud makes it easier to buy.