TURNS OUT THIS WAS A SILLY ONE AND I DIDN’T THINK IT WOULD BE

Ursa, Merlin and Nora head down the street and into the city proper, to find that curfew is coming fast and anyone who’s still out is in danger. Merlin Messages the cyclist who’d just passed them and is told there’s a hotel a few blocks away.

When Ursa tries to get maps up on her phone, instead she just gets a little pop-up from an Evil Puppet, who tells Merlin that he’s going to eat his dad. Merlin says that’s what his Mum does, and the puppet is grossed out and leaves.

The sun fully sets, and as it does it literally starts raining murderous puppets.

They sprint to the hotel, which turns out to be a quaint and suspicious B&B, complete with cosy fire, rustic vibes, and a suspicious old woman at the desk.

She’s weird and contradictory when asked questions. She says the rooms clean themselves, and when asked what breakfast will be she’s like ‘we don’t have breakfast’. When it’s pointed out that the sign said ‘bed and breakfast’, she says ‘……….eggs’.

It’s 200 dollars for the room. Nora actually got cash, luckily, because Merlin’s card doesn’t work as his bank doesn’t exist here. The old lady tells them a bit about the ‘horrible forces’ that rule the world, and how they got a lot more imaginative once they started importing movies from Fulcrum thanks to the power of plagiarism. Hence the puppets. Last month was clowns. The month before was pale japanese women.

Since they’re suspicious, Ursa tries to get a read on the old woman – she’s named Ethyl, and she’s definitely up to something yes – and Nora uses her Eldritch Sight (after an initial vision of Morris when she activates it) to spot a strong Abjuration on the walls, windows, and doors, as well as Illusion around the woman herself and some Conjuration upstairs. Before moving, Ursa asks for a map.

Nevertheless, they go upstairs. The room is small and only has a single bed. There’s also a small tv, which they switch on. On it is the Evil Puppet from before, who introduces himself as ‘Evil Puppet’. Nora shortens it to EP.

Nora changes the channel a few times, and the Evil Puppet has to run to get back onscreen. He’s out of breath. It’s just cruel, is what it is.

EP basically says ‘hey, you’re obviously in danger. I’m here to help.’

‘Why would you help,’ asks Ursa. ‘You’re an evil puppet. What do you gain from that.’

EP says he unfortunately owes her fiance a favour or two, so he wants to help get him outta trouble. He hops back into the phone and vibrates it across the map, to show them where the slaughterhouse Alkahest was zapped to is. He also mentions that the wards on he doors will keep them in, so they’ll need to deal with the old lady.

Meanwhile, Merlin’s been poking about for secret passages and ends up revolving through a wall and vanishing. He ends up in a nasty, mouldy, run-down room, with no way back.

He does however message Nora, who attempts to open the same passage he did—and triggers a different one, falling through the floor to a cellar.

With Merlin walking down an endless corridor with only his phone for light (and a shadowspawn for protection), and with Nora exploring the cellar with a slowly rising water level, Ursa heads downstairs to try and confront the old woman.

She finds her ‘asleep’, but in trying to sneak past, Ethyl’s eyes open and Ursa sees the line of the lure on her head, anglerfish style, which pulls her back up into another part of the house. Ursa is left behind as the nearby door opens.

For each of our intrepid party members, they see a spooky nightmare!

Ursa sees zombie versions of her family members caught in the recent blast, Merlin sees his own body taken over by the Morris Worm. Nora sees Ella, taken over once more by the Mantle of the Auditor.

Nora’s the first to solve it; unable to fire the Mantlepiece at her sister (after some mild trauma over it in the past) and unwilling to pull on Warlock power after the recent vision of Morris, she simply closes her eyes and lets the vision wash away.

Above, Merlin attempts to simply walk away, sick of Morris’ pestering. But Morris looses a Witch Bolt at him, saying he can’t escape this, Morris is in his head! Merlin still, though, walks way, leaving the illusion behind.

At the entrance, Ursa too fights through the illusion. She knows her family can’t possibly be there, and even if they were they didn’t die in the explosion… so she just gives her (zombie) Dad a hug. This breaks the illusion with just enough time for her to see the old woman floating towards her, going ‘eeeeeeeeeee’.

But Merlin’s Shadowspawn and a shot from Nora’s Mantlepiece explode her.

‘I want my money back you bitch,’ says Nora. The house coughs up her $200.

Ursa steals the lockbox behind the counter too, and in it is $750 and a magic knife. Merlin wants it, and it turns out to be a Blade of the Medusa. It’s cursed. Sorry Merlin.

With the old woman exploded, her wards begin to fail, but they only do so juuuust as the sun comes up. A puppet comes through the catflap but explodes with the sunrise, so it’s fine.

Our group leaves, finding the world oddly cheery and active despite the whole curfew thing. There are a bunch of hot dog carts. They buy some, and find that the onions and ketchup almost disguise the fact that the sausage-inna-bun itself doesn’t actually taste of anything. They get a bit of coffee. It’s Caliber.

After an hour, they find themselves at the business park with the old, condemned slaughterhouse. This is where Alkahest and Panacea ended up.

So the group discuss their approach in Kojak’s office – they’re going to make their way to America on Fulcrum and then use their winders to travel down into Death once they land there. Kojak warns them briefly about the Blue Chamber, an offshoot of the Caliber Institute that went independent and now governs Outside affairs in the US. He tells them it’s a lot more strict and zealous than the Caliber Institute in the UK.

Before leaving, Merlin asks Kojak how the Morris Server is leaking out of its containment, and Kojak tells them that’s literally impossible, it’s an anti-magic pocket dimension. Merlin says that obviously it’s gotten out somehow, and Kojak says he’ll check it out after Sarolt is done at the hospital with Imrus. Ursa tells him to give them her best, and he softens a bit and tells her ‘Of course.’ He still calls her Ursa, because it’s still Kojak.

They head home, and pack their bags, making sure to follow Kojak’s advice and retrieve their Institute I.D pins to protect them from being unlawfully uh, disappeared when they get to the US. Nora is still avoiding Brynner, so takes her time texting and writing a note for Ella while Ursa and Merlin go to inform him they’ll be leaving the country.

On their way to the Direcotr’s office, Ursa asks Merlin if he’s really cool with coming with her on this. Because he can leave, honest. Merlin insists it’s ok.

Brynner is in a reflection of his office, but gets out of bed when they come knocking and re-enters the proper one. When Merlin asks why he’s in bed so early, Brynner points out that he’s like at least 75 years old.

They basically let him know they’re going to rescue someone and he asks if Helton is safe. He says she’s clearly acting different, usually when stressed she just throws herself into work.

Ursa tells him that of course, she almost lost her sister. Merlin says that maybe she’s just becoming more human. Ursa tells him off, and points out that Nora’s one of their closest friends. Nora, elsewhere, feels like she needs to sneeze, like in the animes.

But no, it’s not Nora that needs rescuing, it’s Alkahest. Panacea’s back and she’s got him on their home world. Brynner makes a call to request that the Institute records be updated, as Panacea is a person of interest in the ongoing Demonic King situation. He mentions there’s a list of Demons that the Institute needs to keep an eye on, but won’t give any names when Merlin asks because the DM hasn’t thought of them yet.

Speaking of the DM coming up with shite, Brynner gives them a bit more info about their destination and the Blue Chamber that polices it. He advises that they remain polite and cooperative, and things should go smoothly. Hopefully. There might be some issues with them being Outsiders – even if they were born here – because the Blue Chamber only employs humans and is proud of that fact. He tells them about the Green Chamber too, which is their ‘heavy artillery’ consisting of ‘machines designed to bring down Auditors’, though they’re more often set loose on regular Outside folks.

Ursa says ‘So they’re bad dudes, then,’ and Brynner says ‘Bad dudes that think they’re good ones.’ He says he’s sorry he can’t help more, but the Institute has to stay out of things. But personally, he gives them a £20 note for a cab to the airport. It’s one of the old paper ones that isn’t legal tender anymore.

We also get to see Ella receiving Nora’s text, letting her know she’ll be out of the country on business for a bit. Ella’s at a nice pub with a load of her friends, and as she checks her phone Laniakea sits back down next to her and tells her ‘I can keep an eye out for her if you want’, but Ella smiles and says it isn’t necessary, Nora can handle herself. Adagio is there too, eating bar nuts. They do seem to be having a good time.

Merlin and Ursa reunite with Nora, who provides additional coffee. She’s even gotten a sweet frappe one for Ursa. Good team. Proud of them. Merlin asks, ‘Before we go, there is one thing I have to check.’

‘What?’ asks Ursa.

‘Are you sure you can’t just get a different fiance?’

‘Merlin.’

‘I’m just saying, there’s… Raoul. He’s very loyal. He’s a demon too! And you know, he could probably go at it and all that. And you’d break his little heart if—’

‘Merlin.’

The Uber arrives. It’s that fire genasi from before, so they make it to the airport pretty fast (after more polycule jokes like last time after Cepheus was trying to stop them). The flight itself passes without issue, so the party enjoys a long rest.

Upon arrival in America, they’re asked to step aside by the staff at the arrivals gate, and left to stew in a cramped room for more than half an hour. When Ursa mentions that their Caliber Institute employment could be the reason they’re in here, and she’s starting to get antsy, two Blue Chamber agents appear.

Agents Edelweiss and Blackball sit down and quiz them on why they’re here and why they think they’ve been detained. When they insist – Ursa especially – that they’re here on holiday, Blackball does some magic and reveals the Death flavour fruit winders he’s stolen from their carry-ons.

Edelweiss mentions that they were flagged by their detectors, and asks why they were lying. And why they’re trying to smuggle controlled magical substances through US borders.

Ursa tries to insist that they’ll be no hassle, they’re just heading into Death – leaving, not arriving, so it shouldn’t be a problem. Merlin doesn’t like being called ‘Mr. Gnome’ and starts talking shit, but Edelweiss is unmoved and has Blackball Silence him. It doesn’t actually work thanks to Merlin’s resistance, and she states that this Gnome might be dangerous.

She wants to talk to Nora, who says that ‘Guns and Death kind of are why we’re here. But we’re just passing through.’

Edelweiss signs a bit to her colleague (Billiard) Blackball, and says ‘Well in that case you’re free to go, but we can’t have you doing it illegally; if you can fill in the proper forms we’ll have you on your way in a manner that doesn’t weaken US borders in as little as 3 to 4 weeks.’

‘We can’t wait that long!’ says Ursa, but after she’s shut down again she realises they can’t be moved and decides to go for another approach. Merlin too is like ‘May I speak now? Look, we’re here to deal with Panacea; she’s a threat, you must know this. We can work together and you can even take the credit for dealing with her.’

‘She isn’t here, in the real USA,’ says Edelweiss. ‘So she’s not our concern.’

‘Alright, fine,’ says Ursa. ‘Why don’t you get us those forms then?’

‘Cool,’ says Edelweiss. She and Blackball get up, and Blackball pockets the winders. Of course. They’re obviously going to leave them sat in here for a few more hours, so Ursa – with extra help from Nora’s Guidance and Merlin ready with a fucking Witch Bolt in reserve, just in case – casts Sleep by humming a frantic little tune.

She rolls well enough to drop both Blue Chamber agents for one minute. Rummaging through Blackball’s pockets, she retrieves the winders that will get them into Death, along with the lollipops to get them back home – if they’d just grabbed the winders off the table they’d have gotten stuck there.

Merlin tries to shut off the camera in the room, but it’s hooked up to a control somewhere else in the building and thus can’t be reached. Panicking a bit, they decide to eat their winders there and then, maybe ending up a bit lost but at least getting out of Blue Chamber jurisdiction.

Arriving at Death 49, the airport is all spooky and abandoned. They make their way out past flickering lights and rooms with dripping taps, and upon reaching the exit are confronted by a massive man with a hockey mask and a knife. He tries to knife Ursa when she attempts to communicate, but Merlin fires a Witch Bolt that sends the man bursting into a screaming shadow that billows away. Nora kicks the locked door open.

Outiside, beneath a horrible spiral sky, a guy on a bike tells them it’s past curfew and they’ll get killed, idiots. Ursa tries to use her ring to contact Alkahest, but there’s no response. It seems when the last message she tried was cut off, it wasn’t a signal thing, it was the ring being taken from him or something.

Ursa wonders aloud about the world itself. She relays some of the stories Alkahest told about the place, about how he was from basically a haunted slaughterhouse. Maybe the world is like a horror movie?

Nora is like, ‘You know, we had an eight hour flight when you could maybe have mentioned this.’

The session begins with our heroes in the kitchen, ostensibly making drinks, while Panacea lounges at the table. They’re trying to plan what to do. Merlin keeps shooting drinks from his fingers and both Nora and Ursa are repulsed by it.

Sarolt comes over to ‘help’, and in doing so she shifts her face to Kojak’s and does a football huddle. He basically says that since they’re all institute employees, they have prophecies, right? What’s the likelihood that this situation could kill them? The bomb specifically?

Both Nora and Merlin are like ‘well, maybe?’ but Ursa is like ‘definitely, yes.’ Kojak tells them that, if they end up back at the institute, not to cause a panic and just come straight back and tackle this situation from the outside. He also states that he’s probably safe as his prophecy is dying ‘at the hand of a bird who’s flown the nest’.

She goes back to the table. Nora’s like, ‘is she telling us to run?’ as Merlin messages Alkahest to ask how far into Death he and his sister are from. It’s 49. So Merlin then messages Nora and Ursa and says ‘I’m just going to cast Banishment’.

So he does. His material component of an object that repels or disgusts the target was a stream of mojito and strawberry daiquiri from both index fingers. And it works! Panacea fucking vanishes.

In doing so, she drops the bombs and the deadman’s switch; neither of which were banished as she’d apparently picked them up locally. Ursa tries to catch the detonator, and Nora goes for the bomb itself… but they aren’t fast enough.

Ursa is fast enough, though, to drop herself on the bomb itself and try to lessen the blast with her own body. Merlin dives for cover and ends up in a cupboard, because if this thing goes off and breaks his concentration, Panacea is right back there with them.

And then Kojak is standing up, and a knife is sailing across the room. For a brief moment both Ursa and Nora see it, and think he’s going to cut the wires with expert precision… but the blade of the knife is aimed squarely at Ursa’s face.

It kills her instantly.

The bomb goes off.

In the explosion, Nora takes the worst of it, but Merlin is able to keep his spell going. Panacea’s fully-banished. In the aftermath, it seems that Imrus leapt to try and protect his daughter, and his right arm’s been blown clean off. Nora crawls through the wreckage and Lays on Hands, keeping him from bleeding out.

Nora, scrambled and shell-shocked, sees the gun Panacea dropped. She sees Kojak, and remembers him throwing a knife at her friend. She grabs the gun.

Ursa, though, is a reflection in the mirror beneath the Caliber Institute. Morta looks at her, and says ‘not quite yet,’ before reaching in and pulling her out.

Ursa, panicking, runs outside and phones Nora. She explains that she’s still alive, since it wasn’t Panacea that actually killed her, and Kojak, hearing this over speakerphone shifts back to Sarolt and just says ‘Thank god, it worked.’

Nora asks Ursa to call an ambulance or something. She keeps the gun trained at Sarolt. Ursa puts the phone down and does, along with trying to message Alkahest via her ring. all she gets back is ‘Ursa, thank god you’re okay! I got sent—‘ before the line is cut off. His phone is out of range, too.

Back in the flat, Nora’s trying to get an explanation. When Merlin tries to get her to chill, and calls her slow on the uptake, she points a second gun at him. Sarolt briefly says she had to do it so it wasn’t the prophecy that killed Ursa. Nora agrees to put the gun down, and the paramedics arrive.

‘Frankly, I’m just happy we’re all still alive,’ says Sarolt. The candles on either side of the door go from purple to green. Apparently Ursa passed! Wahooooo.

The paramedics carry Imrus out. The rest of the Carpenters go for medical attention too. Presumably they’ll have a lot to talk about with Sarolt later on. Ursa arrives, though, and hugs it out with her mum. Then Kojak is back, and explains about Morta copy-pasting still-living versions from other timelines.

Ursa’s asking what happened to Alkahest, though, and Merlin realises that since Alkahest and Panacea were ‘siblings’ from the same origin, there’s a very good chance they were both treated as the Banishment target.

Ursa gets a bit sarcastic with him, telling him that not only did his spell lead to the house exploding, it also led to Panacea getting exactly what she wanted. Merlin retorts that at least he did something, and that he was trying his best. But that whenever he tries to help he only gets shit for it, so he’ll just go.

Ursa tries to apologise, saying that they’re friends so she has to give him shit, that’s how it works. Remember when Nora threatened to sell her out to the Summer Court for wanting to smooch Alkahest? It’s what friends do!

Merlin begrudgingly agrees to stay, especially after Kojak offers additional thanks. He goes into a bit more detail about prophecy deaths, and states that he’s died in the line of duty seven times. Ursa asks if it’s dangerous for the two of them to see one another, what with the specifics of his prophecy, and Kojak laughs and says ‘I know you and Sarolt don’t always see eye to eye, but I can’t see it coming to blows.’

As for going after Alkahest… Sarolt doesn’t want her daughter in more danger, but Kojak trusts the three of them as professionals. And he also wouldn’t dream of say, bringing backup food to a Homecoming ritual, with an extra little nod to Merlin.

He says that rather than fucking about with a Parallel Drive car, they can go a more direct way, and makes a call. He opens the door to a subway line, and this leads fairly shortly to his office in the Lake District containment facility.

‘Is this how you commute to work?’ asks Ursa.

‘No, I have a car.’

He goes to a cupboard and unlocks it; opens it to reveal a veritable treasure trove of sweets and toffees. He gives Ursa four lollipops. He says they’re for travel; you think of home while you suck on them, then once they turn ruby red and start to taste like strawberry, you crunch them and they teleport you. Merlin tells them it’ll be 49 worlds into Death, and Kojak gives them some ‘Death Flavour’ fruit winders. They unravel with a tape measure on the paper, and if you eat 49cm of them, it’ll take you that many worlds down into Death.

‘You’re like Willy Wonka,’ says Ursa, and Kojak goes insane. He did NOT make all this, that was someone else. They’re called ‘the Chocolatier’. Don’t be ridiculous. If Kojak made edible spells, they’d be in pill form, or at least a protein bar.

Nora is worrying about the fact that she’s back in the building with the Morris Server in it, but there’s no longer a wire coming from her chest. She surmises that as long as she doesn’t do anything to attract its attention, it’s probably fine. Through the door of the office, down the stairs, to the left, down the corridor and down the lift, then down a sloped corridor to the right, then a left, then through a door on the left of that….. a mechanism in the Morris Server begins to tick. Nobody knows that though.

Of course, the Banishment will probably have taken Alkahest and Panacea to their point of origin, so: New York on the 49th death world from the Fulcrum. They need to figure out how to get there: whether that involves travelling on Fulcrum then planeshifting, or vice versa. They consider asking Cepheus if there are any international missions they could take perhaps, or if there’s a Caliber Institute jet like the X-Men have.

But that’s something to figure out next time!

So first things first, Ursa phones her Mum. She wants to speak to Kojak, and tells him about the encounter with one of Myst’s ‘choir’. He makes a note and says to be careful, but can’t actually offer much advice.

Then Ursa invites her mum (and whole immediate family) to a Changeling ritual called the Homecoming (no relation to the American dance), in which a Changeling demonstrates that they’ve acclimated to their chosen society by hosting their family for a dinner/party/dinner party.

She invites Nora and Merlin, her closest friends, for moral support. They’re only a bit confused, and variously offer to ensorcel/smoke out/murder Ursa’s family to help the evening go smoothly. Ursa states that would be cheating, but thanks.

Emva pops up from a drawer to tell a story about baking weed brownies. She vanishes as quickly as she appeared.

From there everyone heads down to the treasury, as Cimimi is apparently pestering Brynner to get three nearby tokens returned. She asks everyone to be quiet, as her brother recently almost woke up, but gives everyone their items and throws the tokens into a diamond lake. After that she seems to imply that the items themselves are doing the choosing.

On the way out, everyone rolls a natural 20, and as such notices that the treasury itself, all the piles of gold, are another mimic just like Cimimi (only much larger, and apparently self-replicating).

Merlin reaches into the pockets of his new hoodie and finds an iron coin, stamped with a dual-throne symbol. He recognises it from somewhere and makes a note to research it further.

A month goes by.

Everyone is arriving for the ritual. Alkahest is making spinach puffs, and Nora helps whisking things. Merlin prestidigitationally shoots beer from his finger like a pervert. He also gives Ursa’s Mum a mild telling off for bringing back-up food, and gets a cheers from her Dad for doing so.

Just as everyone is sitting down to eat and the candles marking the ritual’s beginning almost light themselves, there’s another knock at the door.

It’s Panacea. She waltzes in and makes herself at home, threatening the Carpenter family with general violence, and an explosive as a last resort. Alkahest can damp her powers, but not a bomb.

She demands that he leave with her. She’ll be friendly enough for ten minutes, but after that point bodies are going to start piling up. The candles light and the ritual begins, oops!

Nora figures out that her explosive belt can be disarmed with Remote Access, but it’s down to one of two wires – red or black. Merlin thinks that with enough time, he might be able to Banish her. And Ursa is just trying to keep anyone from getting hurt.

Plus, if the group gets really short of ideas… Merlin could probably issue a challenge or make a promise, to trigger his Mantle state (after maintaining 5 points in Order through his deal a while back), though the risks are pretty great. Nora could probably get in touch with Morris and use the Server if she really needed to, though the risks are similarly terrible. It’ll be fine though!

So, Merlin wants more to drink. He wants, specifically, MOJITOS! Ursa scans around a bit to try and spot if there’s anything they should be looking out for, but doesn’t catch anything. Nora does, though – there’s a figure, out in the ocean, headed towards them.

They decide they need a closer look, and luckily Earnest—who’s on his way out after being threatened—is an avid birder. So, Ursa goes to chat him up while Nora steals his binoculars. Said binoculars are in a velcro bum-bag (he’s bad at the whole bird thing and hasn’t realised the noise will scare the birds), and Nora is able to steal them with a mage hand once Ursa asks him about Christianity.

Through the binoculars, Nora sees the oncoming figure. Angelic in form and stature, with a blindfold, and due to hit the beach in minutes at the speed it’s going. Merlin has hacked the speakers to play club mixes, then UB40.

Meanwhile, the judging begins. Alkahest eats some of that dildo chilli. He says it’d be better if Rembra had used the real thing, for fuck’s sake. Disgusting.

Merlin decides he wants more drinks again. It’s demon drink, designed to bypass the poison immunity and really fuck you up, so he’s just absolutely shitfaced. He wants a banana daiquiri in a banana. Miasma is able to bend a glass into a banana shape, but it takes some doing. Ursa tips a bucket of ice water on him, but it barely makes a difference and he wanders off to the ocean with his daiquiri.

Nora tackles him to the ground, to stop him lightning bolting the oncoming Angel and ruining the event, but he saves his glass. They slap each other a bit but get nowhere.

The Angel arrives, and announces herself as Barcarolle; that all the demons on the beach are going to be killed. Ursa tries to tell her they aren’t all demons, but there’s a blindfold, sooo…

A fight breaks out. Merlin fires off a massive lighting bolt and witch bolt (it’s a bolt-based economy), with Nora using the Mantlepiece (it’s NOT called the titty gun) and avoiding using spells that might get the Morris Worm’s attention, and Ursa attempting to use some charm effects, but the blindfold appears to magically shrug them off, lighting up with the wing pattern.

Ursa Channel Overrides the speakers to make a small announcement about how the contestants shouldn’t worry and should, in fact, enjoy the show. She begins giving colour commentary about how much the attacks have gotta hurt.

Barcarolle throws Merlin out to sea, but in the process he’s able to break the tie on her blindfold. She goes for Ursa next, when her charm effects still don’t quite connect, but Ursa dodges the attacks and Nora’s gun ends up pointed at the angel’s temple. She fires and sends her sprawling in the ocean.

Ursa tries to get answers, and Barcarolle seems shocked—now that she can see—that they aren’t demons after all. She explains that she’s here in search of the rumoured halo that’s a prize.

Ursa’s like ‘Well, there actually is no halo prize, that was just a rumour.’ (everyone gasps) ’And I only know like… three angels, and I don’t know if any of those are missing a halo?’ She spots the broken blindfold with its wing pattern, floating on a wave. ‘Oh… is that supposed to look like Myst? Are you friends with Myst?’

Barcarolle goes quite still. ‘Oh, to be friends… I worship her. Every member of her choir does.’

‘Oh, well, she tried to kill us,’ says Ursa, before catching herself. ‘I mean, uh… how is she?’

Barcarolle sees red, and lunges for her. Ursa’s already moved, though, and in the kerfuffle, Alkahest has finally left the chilli tasting and grabs the angel’s head and slams it into the sand, killing her. He takes the halo and announces ‘Looks like we got a grand prize after all. Let’s eat some more fuckin’ chilli!’

Everyone cheers. Merlin rides back to the beach on a spectral seahorse. Everyone cheers that too. It’s fucking wild.

The winner is announced and it’s Amyll. Everyone’s a bit worried about her using the halo for evil, but she reveals that she’s actually really feeling the union thing and that to be totally honest, Benzene’s been in a coma for a while. The halo should be more than enough to fix him up.

Alkahest thanks everyone for the help, and gives each of them a Caliber Institute treasure token as a reward. When asked where he got them, he’s like ‘ahh I killed a guy, it’s fiiiine’. Ursa pretends she’s distressed by this but likes demon cock too much to really cause much of a fuss.

The daiquiris in the banana glasses were very very popular. Everyone does finger guns.

In the intervening weeks, Nora has been staying at her sister’s and looking after her. Merlin’s just been planning revenge and having a wank. Ursa has been helping plan the cook-off, and also done a bit of an exorcism to help persuade Strych to attend (this was a little solo side-adventure Sami and I did).

We started with Alkahest inviting the others for dinner at a Death Night at Neutral Grounds (spicy food but not very nutritious!!), where he explained a bit about the chilli cookoff as a concept and explained about the issue with Panacea: Alkahest is very worried that Panacea, his sister, is going to turn up and ‘fuck this up’, since she’s no longer sealed in the Infernomicon. And while he and her can stoke or smother one another’s power, it takes his full concentration to do so. So if he spends all his time doing that, he isn’t going to be a very good host. And the union dies before it even gets made. Meaning he wants to hire them to run security at the event, and can offer them each 500 british pounds for doing so.

Merlin was worried about the fact he might have to talk to demons, and he hates demons. He doesn’t want 500 british pounds. Also he doesn’t have any beach clothes. Alkahest says nice things about Merlin, while Ursa reminds him that he is her best friend and should help her out. Channel his inner Nora.

Ursa takes Merlin shopping for beach clothes.

They’re all going to drive in together, Raoul included. Ella has been invited but at Nora’s advice, goes instead to spend some time with friends she hasn’t been in touch with for a bit. Merlin’s parents were invited too, but Vesper forgot.

There, they arrive to find this world mostly abandoned, and swelteringly hot, with the British Isles all broken up. But that means more beach, baybee! They get everything set up – tables and benches, with a load of crock pots to keep things warm, and a bar in a gazebo, and tents to get changed. Shortly after, Erabu (the third judge) arrives. She’s brought mushy peas for some reason.

After everyone puts on their beach fits, Merlin immediately goes to the bar for some Caribbean Courage. Miasma is manning the bar, and shakes one up for him. She says ‘Say, hon’, you aren’t a demon, what brings you here?’ and he’s like ‘Do I look like a demon?’ before explaining that he’s just stressing out a bit. She pours him a pina colada in a pineapple the size of his torso.

Ursa runs into Rembra, who is fully nude and talking about chopping up a dildo in her chilli, because sex sells. Ursa asks her to cover up a bit, so she puts some shells over her nipples. It’s awful. Ursa’s also able to persuade her to avoid Merlin, and Rembra’s like ‘sure, just make sure Amyll does the same’ And Ursa’s like WHAT and heads off to find her.

Nora is approached by Earnest, also an Institute employee, who offers up a shoulder to cry on re: her Auditor sister. Nora’s too incensed by this to immediately realise that something doesn’t add up, but by then she’s told him to fuck off. She spots Draisine, and goes to chat with him. Draisine tells her he’s excited about the prize – he’s been told it’s an angelic halo by someone who can sense when something big comes into play – but also that the union is looking like maybe a viable option for the little guy, what with the tournament coming up and lots of demons not having a chance in hell.

Merlin is shitfaced. He spots Strych, who is reading a novel, and spoils the novel for them. Then goes ‘Byeeeee’. Earnest approaches him for info on Nora’s predicament, but Merlin just brushes him off.

Ursa’s found Amyll playing volleyball with Phency as a partner, but the two keep winning and it’s winner stays on. She waits patiently as Nora addresses Alkahest re: the halo. Alkahest thinks she means Master Chief, but when she clarifies he’s like ‘Fuck! If people are only here for the prize then we’re screwed. Why would Strych spread a rumour like this!’ (They thought people might not come otherwise).

Everyone convenes at the volleyball, but when Amyll challenges them to volleyball (magic allowed) they refuse. Merlin makes a comment about Benzene, and Amyll almost demands satisfaction, but Ursa’s able to defuse things. Then Phency reveals he’s put a nitroglycerine magic bomb in one of the chillis, as a revenge-against-Alkahest plan. Amyll is mostly just embarrassed by him, and he runs off to ‘steal a speedboat’. He’s basically Beavis at this point. Alkahest is baffled by him.

It’s time to check the chillis for explosives, but Nora goes to threaten Earnest. He doesn’t take her seriously until she gets out her gun and Merlin conjures a shadowblade, and he reveals that he’d gotten some additional info from Dr. Park, and was hoping to get a bit more info to assist her research. He’d been spreading rumours based on a misinterpretation of events that Ella was the one who broke Park’s leg. Nora knocks his chilli into the sand and tells him to shut his god-loving mouth or the hand won’t be the last thing he loses.

His chilli explodes. It was the nitroglycerin one (it smelled of burnt caramel). He promptly leaves the event.

So Merlin phones his Mum, letting her know he’ll be coming round, and to expect 5 additional guests in total: Him, Nora, Ella, Ursa, Alkahest, and Raoul. She needs to send his Dad out for more ingredients though. She also drops the phone several times when Merlin mentions bringing several women over. Merlin says he’ll bring dessert as a thank you.

Before that, though, Nora wants caffeine, and as such they end up back at Neutral Grounds. Ella wants to apologise, so Nora decides to get some cash to pay for repairs and lost business, and go in with her. She invites Alkahest in, as he knows the owners. Merlin and Ursa stay outside, because Merlin is still banned. Before that, though, Nora spots Laniakea and Adagio watching them from around the corner, Scooby-Doo style. She ignores this.

On the way in, they see Stiletto being escorted out by Roche (the dragon), having still not ordered. They order drinks, with Chiasme (the angel) dealing with the coffee, and Miasma (the demon) dealing with the tea. Miasma also reveals that Alkahest had tried to do a union rally disguised as beat poetry here, on one of their open mic nights. He brushes it off and mentions the chilli cook off, and then is like ‘Can I get a uhhhhhhhh’…

Nora hands over cash, and Ella apologises for causing a fuss. Roche comes out to see what’s going on (at Miasma’s calling), and basically says ‘never apologise for something you were forced to do. You don’t have to pay us for repairs. However, you were with that Gnome so I’ll take your money in exchange for unbanning him.’

From there, they pick up cakes and Raoul from the copy place. There’s a conspicuous green jaguar (the car, not the type of dog) with a dragon and an angel inside watching them, but it drives away when Merlin approaches. From there they take a tram, spotting a weird Spring guy putting larvae be-Neith the seats on the way (this is a fun reference to the one-shot Sami ran!!).

They arrive at Merlin’s parent’s. It’s very nice and very green. Merlin asks that everyone be polite and not cause a fuss. He introduces everyone to his Dad, who is in fairly good spirits considering he was recently kidnapped. Alkahest goes to help in the kitchen, Raoul runs off outside, and Nora takes Ella upstairs to Merlin’s old room to get some space.

Downstairs, Merlin checks the front and spots Laniakea and Adagio doing more top spywork, and just Messages asking if they want to come in for lasagne. His Mum is very concerned about this, and drags him upstairs to give him a telling off, and ask that he maybe not hang around with this crowd anymore. Is his job causing this? Is it drugs? She knew someone who got on Dewdrop and it ruined their life. Sam is her Son and she just wants what’s best for him.

Nora has gone to sit outside, after noping out of talking to Laniakea, who is chatting amiably with Albar with her feet up on the coffee table. She hears the noise from the room Ella’s in that Merlin didn’t catch; a kind of heavy rasping breath. Arriving upstairs to check, she spots a tiny, rapidly-vanishing patch of auditor-grey on Ella’s chest. Her Paladin Divine Sense activates, and senses a little seed of something still left in Ella.

They all go down for Lasagne and Laniakea reiterates her job offer. Nora tells her off, saying they’ll meet her on Friday to discuss. Laniakea actually accepts this without complaint. The food is good, and everyone likes it, but it’s bloody awkward.

Then Ella’s like ‘I’m going to take the job! I’m part of this world now and I want to actually face it!’ Both Nora and Ursa are like ‘NO, BAD IDEA’ but Ella says she’ll take it if they draft up a new, clear contract that Laniakea also signs promising not to, say, defenestrate her or anything. Laniakea asks Nora if this would help patch up the relationship between Open Sky and the Caliber Institute, and when Nora affirms this, she agrees, and even offers to draft up a new hiring process with input from the Institute. She admits – after three glasses of wine and a speech about the ‘bonds of lasagne forged’ – that she’s much diminished in power after everything with the Infernomicon, and with Pyrite’s involvement still being unprovable it’s even worse. She says the party are no longer ants beneath her, but are instead more like mice or possibly voles.

She’s also making a real effort to be more considerate because she doesn’t want Adagio to get fed up of her again. They talk about how Laniakea could have just spied on them using the Green Dragon bird-vision thing, but Adagio wanted to see too so they went out together. Anyway, Nora says they’ll meet about it tomorrow and hash out the new contract then, and Laniakea accepts and then leaves.

Raoul turns back into full-hellhound form and runs off to the woods. The others climb into Alkahest’s car and drive back to the safehouse.

We rejoin everyone on the rooftop. Nora Lays On Hands for Ella, who comes round a bit more. Merlin actually comes over to check they’re ok, and seeing that they are goes over to check on Ursa.

Nora actually says ‘thanks’ to him, to which he replies ‘you’re welcome’.

Ursa wakes up and panics a little (‘I’m missing a fiancé?!’), but she and Nora both check over the edge to find no trace of Alkahest or Pyrite. Ursa uses her connection via ring to teleport to wherever Alkahest has ended up.

On their way out, Nora and Merlin see Carinae, his senses having returned. He says they should keep this to themselves, and everyone agrees. Merlin tells him to get some cough syrup.

On the way down, they explain a bit about the world to Ella; specifically the Perception Filters and Auditors. They assure her she’s not at fault for the Mantle’s actions.

Merlin gets a call from Lopodite. She’s like ‘Hey stud, heard through the grapevine you’ve got a cyberghost in your noggin? Just wanted to check in, I prefer Murderlin classic.’

‘What grapevine?! It’s been like 10 minutes?!’

‘It’s a short vine. Don’t judge my lack of grapes you little turd. I’m all about the wines’

‘I know a good deal more about wine than you I’d bet’

‘Fuck off, I’m Greek, you shithead! Wait that’s olives.’

‘Lopodite what the fuck are you calling for?’

‘I don’t want you to be turned into a cyberman is all.’

‘What? Why?’

‘Because Doctor Who is shit.’

‘No, I mean. What do you gain by telling me this?’

‘Oh. Yeah good point actually.’ And she puts the phone down.

‘Who was that?’ Asks Nora.

‘Oh, just Lopodite,’ says Merlin as if it’s a wrong number.

Nora is too damn tired to deal with that for now.

Merlin leaves to deal with Morris himself. Nora runs into Laniakea and Park, waiting outside.

Meanwhile, Ursa has appeared in a secret room behind a bookcase in Pyrite’s office, where Alkahest too ended up after they fell from the roof. Alkahest is kicking up a fuss because on a shelf there is the Infernomicon, despite it falling through that rift ages ago.

Ursa tries to suggest she could give it back to Laniakea anonymously, and when Pyrite refuses she says ‘but it doesn’t belong to you’. He says ‘try and take it then’ and Ursa gets the fuck out, but not until after confirming that Panacea is out of the book and she was the one that gave the book to Pyrite, although he wouldn’t say what he gave her in return.

Minette catches her on the way and asks if Nora still needs help with her digital entity thing. Ursa gets her number on a card. She and Alkahest go to get a burrito.

Nora tells Ella not to say a word, and then Laniakea re-offers the job. Ella says she’ll consider it but is pretty clearly intimidated. Park then wants to drag her away for testing, but Nora stops her by pointing the titty gun at her.

I can’t believe that’s what you’ve decided to call the gun.

Park’s like ‘seriously? We need to do some tests right away! She might not even live through the night and we need this data. What, you’re going to let the dragon just take her away to do paperwork?!’

Nora asks if Laniakea is going to take this disrespect, and Laniakea responds by snapping Park’s leg. Adagio heals her up though.

Park rings Brynner, who apologises to Laniakea for his employee’s behaviour and then also offers Ella a job; really a sinecure to compensate her having tests done on her.

When asked about the nature of the PA job, Laniakea explains it’s largely like any other PA role, only some of the meetings will be with a big frog. But this is no different from any PA’s role. She explains the concept of humour to Nora when she doesn’t laugh. She also offers to throw in a free sword for Ella as a hiring bonus. Ella says she’ll make up her mind soon.

Nora takes Ella to a health centre she knows of to get a bit of a check out.

Merlin has made his way to a park, alone, and plumbs the depths of his psyche to try and purge Morris. It’s a big white void!

A shard of the Morris Worm is there, and Merlin asks why it’s here.

‘How honest do you want me to be?’

‘Well, considering you almost killed me,’ says Merlin, ‘let’s go with “totally fucking honest”.’

‘Well, I didn’t mean to cause so much damage. I overreached, but making mistakes is part of being human.’

‘You’re not human. You’re a ramshackle string of code.’

‘No, no, I was made by humans, just like everyone else. I’m getting better at it. And to answer your question with total fucking honesty, I’m going to kill you on the inside and wear your body like a suit.’

Merlin goes for a Tenth Level Banishment, but Morris Counterspells and goes for a Finger of Death. Merlin has to draw on Order to survive.

Morris, riding Merlin’s body temporarily, phones Nora and basically does the abusive ex ‘I want to check in before you make a permanent mistake’ call. Since he’s calling using Merlin’s mouth, he tries to play down the whole ‘battle for control’ thing. He just says Merlin’s on a bench in a nearby park. Nora says ‘if you do anything more to Merlin I’ll—‘

And Morris snaps ‘This isn’t about him!!’ Before calming down and being like ‘it’s about me and you.’ Nora says she wants some time alone with just her sister, and Morris says he understands. He’ll be ‘waiting for her at home’. Urgh.

Merlin channels another Tenth Level into a fucking magic purge, no formula, just power. He jams a knife palm into the Morris Avatar’s chest, and wins, purging it from his limbic system. He says ‘This is only the beginning.’ Morris says ‘It certainly feels that way.’

Coming to, Merlin sees the call placed to Nora, as well as texts to Lopodite, claiming responsibility for sending her the copy of the labyrinth stuff all that time ago and thus alerting her to Merlin’s hacking of it, and saying they should meet up. Lopodite is like ‘sure thing bb’ and Morris gives Nora’s home PC IP address.

Nora and Ella go to meet Nurse Fargo, a shetland centaur who’s also a necromancer, at the Little Outside Health Centre. He checks Ella over (after falling over and immediately dying, classic horse, and then resurrecting himself, classic necromancer) saying there’s nothing wrong with her physically, but some lingering arcane shit. Nora asks what could purge that, and he suggests maybe sleeping in an antimagic field?

Nora wants to stay at Ella’s place, but fist feels she should check on Merlin, so swings by the park. She finds Merlin brooding, and pokes him a few times. ‘Hey. What do you think of me?’ She asks.

Merlin scowls. ‘That you’re a pain in my arse?’

‘Good, it’s really you.’

‘HEY DO YOU WANT A BITE OF MY BURRITO?!’ Asks Ursa, who (in a coincidence worthy of Dickens himself) happened to have swung through the park with Alkahest and a burrito bigger than her head. (Alkahest is stood with Ella and shows her his game face and gives her a burrito)

Merlin explains that Morris has been in touch with Lopodite, and he doesn’t know what exactly that means going forward but it can’t be good. Nora just wants to rest, but since Morris is at her house (and possibly Lopodite) that’s not an option. Merlin wants some stuff from his house too, and it’s eventually decided they’ll stay at Ursa and Alkahest’s place ‘cause there’s room. Then they remember that Merlin’s Mum still has Alkahest’s car… so they decide to head to her house.

Merlin assures them that there’ll be lasagne.