Caliber Session 22: The Lóng Con, Part 3

[New approach on this one. Tried to keep it briefer.]

Merlin, Ursa, and Nora—along with Amyll and Rembra, talking between themselves—follow the red Dragon, who’s now barging through the crowd. Other attendees are avoiding him, meaning he’s either a force to be reckoned with or very annoying.

Above, Merlin spots a pigeon and, suspicious of the fact it keeps making eye contact with him, begins messaging it. He learns that the pigeon is in fact Caesura, who has ostensibly faked her death.

‘I wanted out,’ she says. ‘So, I let him think he was strong enough to defeat me in single combat. Of course, he was not.’

‘Okay, but why are you a pigeon now?’ asks Merlin.

‘Stupid question. Because I am an Angel.’

‘Sorry?’

‘It is a thing Angels do. You see flock of pigeons in the street? A good five to ten percent of them are Angels, believe me.’

‘Oh. Well, uh, that’s… good. Listen, Caesura, what are you doing still here if you wanted out?’

‘I am trying to help you. I would like to see Benzene defeated, so I can reunite with my loved ones.’

Merlin finds his eyes narrowing. ‘How do we know we can trust you on that?’

‘You worry I still work for the Demon? Hmm. Have you discovered his additional sense yet?’

‘No. He’s played it pretty close to the chest.’

‘Then I will tell it to you. If Benzene has spent more than one hour with a person, for the following seven days he can share their senses. See what they see. Hear what they hear.’

‘Oh Christ.’

The pigeon nods gravely. ‘He must focus his attention to do so. And I believe he can only do one person at a time. Like security camera.’

‘It’s a good thing we’re communicating with magic rather than actual sound, then. Listen, speaking of security… I’m going to need a favour and you’re just the bird for it. Can you create a distraction for me in the security room up there?’

‘Hm,’ says Caesura, tilting her head to regard the window. ‘Yes. I can do this. But you will owe me favour in return, yes?’

‘If I get out of this alive, sure.’

Ursa and Nora have split from the two demons who are following Carinae. They go to talk to Laniakea back at the bar. She’s of course still very drunk, and when asked she explains a bit about the red Dragon with the eyepatch and the less than stellar opinions on her.

‘Ha,’ she slurs, despite the word “Ha” not being particularly known to feature sibilants. ‘Eta Carinae is a child. An upstart. Forty years ago he challenged me to a duel, do you know this? Riding on the coattails of his Father. Or Grandfather. I don’t remember which. Eta Argus.’

‘I think he’s both?’ adds Adagio, before leaning in to add a whispered addendum. ‘Uh, Dragons that want to procreate craft eggs out of parts of their hoards. Often by committee, with multiple parents donating items to craft with. It’s. It’s complicated.’

They’d spotted a display of swords provided by one Eta Argus on their way in. Any Dragon who’d managed to be the leading collector of something as ubiquitous as “swords” must be extremely powerful indeed.

‘Yes, Argus was, and is, what you teens would refer to as hot shit,’ agrees Laniakea, when this is pointed out.

‘Oh, we’re not teens—’ begins Ursa, but the Dragon isn’t listening.

‘Carinae has been struggling to choose a topic for his hoard for the past two centuries,’ she says, swirling around a glass of blue liquor. ‘He challenged me to a… challenge. To try and take my hoard subject. He wasn’t even really interested in doomsdays, he just thought it would make him seem cool. He is a poser.

‘The duel itself was like a, like a lamb fighting… a Dragon. Named Lanieakea. He was pathetic. Even more so when I let him live afterwards.’ Laniakea smiles. There’s entirely the wrong kind of joy in it.

Adagio is looking uncharacteristically stern. ‘This was before we’d met,’ she tells them. ‘Lania was… worse, then.’

Laniakea’s expression quickly shifted to one of dismay. ‘I let him live!’

‘Yeah, to humiliate him.’

‘Well. Yes. But, you were telling me about the human philosophy. The outcomes of the action are more important than my motives.’

‘Babe I didn’t teach you about utilitarianism so you could use it to justify torture over murder.’

‘I did not torture him!’ cries Laniakea, aghast.

‘You pulled out one of his teeth.’

‘Yes, as a trophy.‘

Adagio raises her hands to make a few little grabbing motions, before giving up. ‘Babe that’s worse,’ she says. ‘You see how—’

Ignoring her protests, Laniakea drunkenly lets slip about the hiring of Nora’s sister being a potential way of recruiting Nora herself to Open Sky Capital. She says that with just a bit more supervision, they probably could have got the Infernomicon back without any fuss.

She also offers to keep Nora’s gun in her hoard for a couple weeks so it can steep in magic, but Nora is suspicious. Also she talks about several zoom calls with Queen Titania that have lead her to see Ursa as too volatile to hire, and Merlin is obviously attached to the Institute with his website, so he’s a no-go.

‘Hold on, go back,’ says Ursa. ‘Zoom calls with Titania? Queen Titania?’

Laniakea waves a hand, sloshing a bit of her drink onto the floor. ‘Yes? We chat.’

‘You and the Summer Queen… chat? And I myself have come up as a topic?’

‘Yes, yes. My Draconic allies are few, but I have many connections.’

Ursa is becoming slightly manic at this point. ‘Okay but why would you possibly be talking about me?’

‘Titania has…’ Laniakea hesitates as she plumbs the depths of her mental thesaurus. ‘Peculiar tastes.’

‘I’m sorry?!’

‘I believe she views your life and—’ again the hesitation, ‘your romantic escapades as something of a… soap opera.’

Here, Ursa looks to Adagio for support, who simply nods her head.

Ursa feels a stress headache coming on. ‘Oh my god,’ she says.

Merlin, meanwhile, has gone to speak with Merensky and learns a bit about Carinae wanting to make a deal with her probably. People think she’s eccentric because of how powerful she is and yet she sits in a museum by herself. She talks about shit a lot, and calls Carinae a haemorrhoid. Merlin gives her a little clockwork robot as a no-strings gift, and she actually shakes his hand.

As he leaves, Ursa and Nora turn up. So do Rembra and Amyl, who say Carinae is coming this way. They don’t have long to make the swap, because if he gives whatever’s in the briefcase to Merensky they’ll never get it, and even if they could it’ll be “stamped” as part of a hoard and much easier to track. Ursa is unfortunately still mortified about zoom Titania. Perhaps not thinking very clearly, she decides to transform into Merensky, after stealing a jumper from a dragon who hoarded jumpers. She doesn’t actually remember if Merensky was wearing a jumper, but the pink suit is probably a bit conspicuous.

It’s at this time that Caesura goes to create her distraction. Merlin sees the pigeon in the security room, flying around and pecking at people’s heads and shitting and just being a general nuisance. He sprints up to put the security cameras on a loop and turn off the alarms with mage hand. He is undetected. Caesura, too, flies out.

Ursa-as-Merensky intercepts Carinae before he spots the real deal, and says they should talk backstage.

‘Why on the stage?’ asks Carinae.

Ursa racks her brains. Queen Titania has taken an interest in my fucking sex life, she thinks. Out loud, she says ‘You’re clearly about to try and bribe me,’ pointing to the briefcase. ‘Wouldn’t you rather not embarrass yourself in public when I tell you no?’

Carinae almost manages to hide his initial obsequious reaction. ‘Oh, I’m sure you’ll be interested in what I have to offer when you see this case’s contents.’

Did negging him just work there? Ew. ‘Sure thing, boyo. Come on then.’ “Boyo”? Get it together, Ursa. What would Titania think! Oh god.

Merlin and Amyll follow as Ursa and the Dragon walk away, but Rembra has disappeared so Nora splits from the group to see what she’s up to. As it turns out, Rembra is making her way back to the bus, with Nora in tow unrumbled.

She sees Rembra go to open the door. Only Phency is visible on the bus. And then Nora feels the barrel of a gun being pressed to the small of her back.

‘Now, Nora, did you really think I wouldn’t be paying attention?’ says Benzene from behind her. ‘Why don’t you come inside.’

Back in the convention hall, Carinae opens the briefcase after Ursa gets him talking (he wants to get Merensky’s support in his “upcoming venture”) and reveals what’s inside.

Posing as an expert on clockwork, Ursa can’t just ask what it is. But she manages to phrase her way around it. ‘Is that what I think it is?’

It looks like a heart, made of brass gears and arms, its valves and chambers not quite glinting in the backstage lack-of-light. Softly, it beats, ticking away as the sprockets move. As it expands, the gears separate and touch others, spinning in reverse to make the thing contract.

And there’s something else, something more intangible. It glows from within, as if by daylight seen from the bottom of a deep well. From an arcane perspective, it looks unfathomably dense. Leaden with puissance.

‘A clockwork heart and soul,’ breathes Carinae, equal parts smug and reverent. ‘I thought you might be impressed.’

‘Where did you get it?’ says Ursa, forgetting her character for a second.

A short way away, behind a curtain, Merlin and Amyll are waiting to duck in and make the swap. ‘Do we even need the copy now?’ hisses Merlin.

‘It’s a bit risky to just assume he’ll leave after handing it over,’ whispers Amyll. ‘We don’t want him coming after us until we’re in the clear; the copy buys us time.’

‘Alright, where is it then? You’ve seen it and the case now. Get to fabricating!’

‘It’s—going to be hard to copy something like that, Merlin. I’m working on the formulae now.’

‘Just do the briefcase.’

‘No! There’s too much power in it, if I just put a weight inside it’ll be obvious. I need something just… similar. Stop distracting me.’

Merlin shakes his head and readies a spell with which he can blow out the lights. It should be a sufficient distraction. For Carinae, not Amyll.

Carinae is looking very pleased with himself when he answers Ursa’s question. ‘Oh, I made some deals with some… explorers. Dangerous men,’ he adds. ‘And speaking of danger, this particular item is an incredibly potent one. It belongs to the director of the Caliber Institute.’

Ursa takes an involuntary step back. She tries to cover her shock but the reveal of just how important this thing is is too much.

‘I can see you’re impressed,’ says Carinae.

‘Oh, yes,’ says Ursa, attempting to regain composure. ‘I love the, uh—springs. Always my favourite bit of a heart.’

Carinae squints with his uncovered eye. It seems he’s getting suspicious.

Over on the bus, Benzene is holding Nora at gunpoint, but is otherwise polite and affable, if a bit oily. Same as always.

‘Now, Nora, you’re obviously a, ah, smart cookie. I’d wager you can see which way the wind is blowing. How would you like to… hmm. To get out of all this with a few new business connections? To be your own boss?’

Nora looks from him, to the barrel of the gun he’s holding, and back again. ‘I’m popular today… If you’re offering me a place on your crew, I’m fairly sure that would make you my boss. And I can’t say I’m impressed with your office culture.’

‘What, you mean the filth on Rembra’s phone?’ asks Benzene.

This gets a vague grunt of amusement from Rembra herself.

‘No,’ says Nora. ‘I mean Merlin’s mum. The whole kidnapping, hostage-taking thing.’ She nods towards Merlin’s father, sat incredibly still just a few seats behind Benzene.

‘Oh, that?’ says Benzene, holding her gaze without blinking. ‘If you don’t like us keeping hostages, you should have just said so!’

He shoots Merlin’s father in the forehead.

Nora rises from her seat but freezes as she sees Albar—or, the fabrication she’d thought was Albar—unravel in a spool of dark red threads.

Rembra chimes in at this point. ‘Yeah, we needed a tech guy for the job… and a fall guy. And I was still pretty pissed off with Merlin for laughing at my cover story. So we decided to get a little leverage on the guy.’

‘Yes, thank you, Rembra,’ says Benzene, obviously a bit put out at his monologue being interrupted. ‘Amyll is really quite something with her fabrications, though I did worry a little you might notice him not moving when she wasn’t, ah, piloting the thing.’

‘Merlin only came here because his dad told him that… do you even have his mum?!’

At this point, Benzene looks rather like a proud parent at a school play. ‘It’s like Rembra said. Leverage.’

Nora mentally tugs at the magic in her Mountebank jacket, but hesitates. ‘I thought Amyll couldn’t make fabrications without the real deal to study?’

Benzene cocks his head, and smiles. For a moment he seems ready to give a little golf clap, but there’s a gun still in his hand. Nora, sensing that time is running out, uses her jacket and teleports away.

Merlin, hiding backstage, feels his phone buzz. He shuffles away from the concentrating Amyll and answers it, without actually saying anything.

It’s his Mother.

‘Sam? Are you there? Look, it’s a bad signal, but… your dad’s not round at yours, is he? He didn’t come home last night.’

‘…I’ll call you back.’

‘Sam, don’t you hang up, this is—’

Merlin blows the lights.

A shower of sparks rains down, planting the idea of fire in the stage curtains. The smell of the air tilts just slightly towards the smell of smoke. The flash and sudden darkness sends Carinae whirling to find its source, only to have Merlin’s Unseen Servant wrench the briefcase from his hands.

He turns again to follow the case, and thus the retreating Merlin, only to have Ursa take off her stolen jumper, stuff it over Carinae’s head, and push him to the ground before running off. She puts her usual face back on… and stops a little way away.

The fire is spreading on the curtains; dirty black smoke billows up to obscure the ceiling. But the Dragons don’t seem to care. After all, no evacuation order has been issued. The alarms have been disabled.

‘You know, it’s possible to take the whole Order thing too far,’ mutters Ursa. Sure, heavy hitters like Pyrite and Carinae’s Dad/Grandad would shrug off a burning building without so much as blinking. Carinae would probably be fine. But there was non-Draconic security, and younger, less-respected Dragons that might—

That settled it. Ursa reaches out with Bardic power and lashes the massive screen above the stage to her will. It had been broadcasting the countdown until the ranking announcements due to happen onstage, but this crackles out of focus as Ursa’s friendliest smile appears onscreen.

‘Excuse me, Draconic attendees!’ says Ursa, in her best like-and-subscribe delivery, hearing the giant televised version of her do the same. ‘There has been a fire, as I’m sure you can see by the smoke around this announcement. Can everyone please calmly make their way to the exit?’

Nora blinks into existence back in the hall, to see multiple calm lines of evacuating Dragons, as well as a hurrying Merlin and Ursa. Amyll bustles up and holds out her hands before Nora can open her mouth.

‘Merlin!’ says Amyll. ‘Give me the heart, quick! We’re almost clear!’

But Nora speaks over her. ‘Merlin, listen, about your Dad—’

‘I know,’ says Merlin, and fires a point-blank Lightning Bolt into Amyll’s outstretched arms.

She skids backwards, eliciting some mild annoyance from the Dragon crowd. For a moment it seems she’s going to retaliate, but instead she pulls out her phone.

‘No you don’t,’ says Ursa, and puts some power in her next Command. ‘Drop it,’ she says. ‘Benzene can stay outside, thanks.’

‘I’m sure he knows already,’ says Merlin. ‘He’ll be watching.’

‘What?’

‘I’ll explain in a minute. Come on. We have to get this to the Institute.’

‘But what about your Mum? And your Dad’s still in the—’

‘I’ll explain in a minute!’

In the day’s single point of good fortune, Laniakea happens to be passing by at just that moment.

‘Laniakea!’ says Merlin, moving over and taking a deep breath. ‘Listen. We need your help.’

Laniakea appears unmoved, but something about Merlin’s voice makes her stop to listen. He sounds almost humble.

‘I need your help. We’ve found something here, something more important by far than anything we expected, and we need to get back to the Institute. My Dad’s in trouble. But we need to get this to Brynner, it’s… more important than me. But I don’t know how to get there in time without your help. So—can you help us? Please?’

Laniakea eyes him. A pinstripe of smoke whistles out from her left nostril. Her mouth opens.

‘I do not particularly wish to mill about in the parking lot while a fire is put out. So yes. I will help you.’

They move.

Rembra blocks the path out, but Nora knocks her on her ass with an Eldritch Blast before she can even get a word in. Laniakea transforms so she can carry them. Adagio casts a spell to make them invisible, just like when they first met.

‘But what about your Dad?!’ repeats Ursa.

‘That’s the thing,’ says Nora, ‘That wasn’t him on the bus. It was a fabrication.’

‘Yeah. I’d suspected that,’ Merlin agrees, holding onto one of Laniakea’s spines for dear life as the Dragon approaches the sound barrier. ‘I’d never have been able to shut off an engine my Dad was supposed to have warded like that.’

Ursa thinks back. ‘Actually, Amyll always did go pretty quiet whenever he was speaking. Makes sense, if she was puppeting him?’

‘Yeah. But she told me herself, she needs to study the real deal to make a proper fabrication.’

‘Which means it wasn’t your Mum they took.’

Merlin nods. ‘Yeah. Speaking of whom… I have to make a quick phone call.’

Caliber Session 21: The Lóng Con, Part 2

‘To be frank,’ said Laniakea, ‘I am not here because I want to be.’

It was true. The conference, being the principle way Dragons established their hierarchy (via hoard-show-and-tell), was the sort of event that one would probably avoid if they had recently, say, had an incredibly powerful item—some kind of Infernomicon, for example—removed from said hoard. Especially with the kind of reputation, and thus enemies, Laniakea had already.

She’d taken the three into her own security trailer, which was considerably smaller than the one Benzene had brought them along in. It had a similar layout, but with a conspicuous lack of security personnel. In fact, apart from Merlin, Ursa, and Nora, the only other people were Adagio and Laniakea herself.

‘I know not how your Director knew of my intentions to attend, despite it resulting in my loss of stature. I am nevertheless grateful for his loaning of yourselves,’ Laniakea went on, moving over to a cabinet made of deep brown wood that looked totally out of place. ‘I have security staff that I do not trust to guard me in the state I shall be in after this.’

Ursa shifted nervously. ‘You think something’s going to, uh, happen at the event?’

‘No. I think they would stab me in the back once my power is reduced. As such they have been… let go.’

See, since Dragons are so deeply aligned with Order, and their hoards are the method by which they rank one another, a Dragon’s personal power is tied directly to that ranking. The intensity of their breath weapons will ebb and flow based on how many other Dragons agree that their hoard is in the top ten, for example. Some might say that reversing cause and effect in this manner isn’t very Ordered at all, but oddly enough, nobody’s ever said this to a Dragon’s face for some reason.

Of course, Merlin, Ursa, and Nora didn’t know this. They probably just took it as another of the slightly deranged things Laniakea said sometimes. And oddly enough, nobody wanted to say so to her face for some reason.

Laniakea retrieved a snifter from the cabinet along with a large bottle of what looked to be brandy, and began to pour herself a glass. ‘The event is starting now,’ she said. ‘Shameful as it is, I am… feeling trepidation.’

Adagio piped up as Laniakea gulped down her drink. ‘Lania, we’ve got a whole group now, so it’s not like we’ll stick out too much. And we already agreed we’d just stick around for the actual ranking and then get going home. I promise it’ll be over before you know it.’

‘I should have sent a proxy, like Merensky always does,’ said Laniakea over the glug glug glug of her glass refilling.

‘You said the only proxy you’d trust would be me. And there’s no way I’m going in there by myself, with all those weirdoes.’

‘Draconic society is highly refined.’

‘What if one of them collects Angels though?’

Laniakea took another sip of brandy. ‘Hoards cannot consist of living creatures. You cannot “own” them. Even if Pyrite skirts the bounds of that.’

In response to this, Adagio just blinked very slowly. ‘What if one of them collects dead Angels?’ she said, eventually.

‘Actually,’ interjected Nora, seeing an opportunity, ‘Part of our role as security consultants would involve reconnoitering the venue and attendees. We could go and find out what the other Dragons have brought?’

The Dragon and Angel turned to regard her.

‘Especially Mr. Pyrite?’ she tried.

This got a nod from Laniakea.

‘Wait, Nora,’ said Merlin, ‘Maybe you should stay here with Laniakea? Have a few drinks together, get her feeling a bit more at ease?’

Nora gave him a hard stare, but Ursa cut in before she could say anything. ‘Hey, let’s not split the… security team.’

⁂

‘What the fuck, Merlin?’ said Nora, when they were safely outside and out of earshot. ‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’

‘No, not at all,’ said Merlin. ‘I’ll explain later. Really,’ he added, when Nora kept on glaring at him. ‘Look, Pyrite’s over there in the queue. You’re the one with the working relationship with him, so Ursa and I will head back to Benzene and check in, while you try to find out if his presence complicates the job.’

‘And we can hopefully reassure Laniakea, too,’ said Ursa.

‘Laniakea is at the very bottom of my list of concerns today,’ said Merlin.

And so, Nora went over to speak with Mr. Pyrite as the other two doubled back. He seemed not at all surprised to see her; a wide smile spread across his face at her approach.

‘Nora, as I live and breathe! What brings yourself to our humble li’l convention?’

Nora took a deep breath. ‘Actually, I’m here with Laniakea.’

Pyrite’s smile only widened. ‘Laniakea is actually attending in person? Well, bless her heart, what a trooper.’

‘Mm,’ said Nora. ‘Look, I wanted to give you a word of warning. Maybe it’d be best to hang fire on showing off the book you stole?’

This finally wiped the smile away. Mr. Pyrite glanced around surreptitiously. ‘Now, Nora, I’d be much obliged if you’d keep your voice a little lower, ‘specially if you’re making such spurious claims. However, I do see your point, and I’m delighted to reassure you that the item you are referring to is not a part of my hoard. I believe it was dropped into another world at random. Where would I have found the time to go looking for it?’

‘Then in that case—’ said Nora, before noticing who Pyrite was with. She hadn’t recognised her at first, since she was dressed in a smart blazer and pencil skirt, with her hair back in a neat, high bun instead of the natural afro it had been previously.

Minette gave her a smile without showing the greens of her teeth.

‘Alright, she definitely can’t be here,’ said Nora. ‘That’s just asking for trouble.’

Mr. Pyrite seemed unintimidated. ‘Should Laniakea have a problem with my secretary, or indeed anyone on my staff, I am more than willing to step up to bat on their behalf.’

Seeing Nora’s gaze, he rolled his eyes at his own theatricality. ‘It won’t come to that, though. Laniakea and I aren’t in the same, ah, weight class any more. Or, we won’t be in an hour or so.’

‘Why?’ asked Nora, carefully. ‘What have you brought?’

Pyrite checked again for eavesdroppers, then leaned in. He retrieved a single sheet of A4 paper, neatly folded in his breast pocket. ‘Now, you understand this only a representation; the full thing is on around 250,000 sheets in a storage container back home.’

Nora peered at it. It was covered in tiny, cramped handwriting, without any spaces. Just a series of four repeating letters. ‘Is that…?’

‘The human genome,’ said Mr. Pyrite. ‘Written out, by hand, by one of the contributors to the project that finally mapped it out. As far as true names are concerned, said name belonged to them. And now it belongs to me.’

‘Said name being… the true name of the entire human race?’

‘Ain’t it something special? I reckon I might give ol’ Merensky a run for her money this time.’

As Nora made her excuses, Pyrite looked her dead in the eye. ‘Now you look after youself, y’hear, Nora? I wouldn’t want to waste an investment.’

⁂

‘So, what was that about back there?’ asked Ursa.

‘What?’

‘Merlin. I’m worried about you. You’re on edge, and I understand that, but even before this you’ve been, you know, blowing up chimneys and stabbing old ladies, and now it seems like you were trying to get Nora killed?’

‘What?’ said Merlin again. ‘Oh. No, I just thought it’d be a good opportunity to get some information. And Nora seemed like the best candidate to keep up with a Dragon on drinks.’

They’d reached the bus, but Ursa hesitated. ‘I guess?’ she said. ‘But I dunno, it just seems like you’re taking all these risks and not caring about the consequences. I don’t want to see you getting hurt.’ She stepped up as the doors opened. ‘Or hurting anyone else.’

Inside, Benzene Petcoke stood, panting and iridescent with sweat, over what was left of Caesura. His hands were stained red. His sleeves, though, were clean.

Caesura was not. Had it not been for her clothing, Ursa thought she might not have recognised her. Benzene gave the body another hammering blow for good measure.

Then he straightened up, getting blood on his tie as he adjusted it. ‘She wanted out,’ he said, to Merlin and to Ursa. ‘I accepted.’

‘When Rembra came back and reported that Laniakea was onsite, and we’d have to modify our approach,’ stammered Merlin’s father, once they’d found him making himself small on a back row seat. ‘Caesura got up and made for the door. Said that even if Benzene had hostages, that wouldn’t do any good if she got killed herself. And, uh… he didn’t take it very well.’

‘Are you kidding?’ came Benzene’s voice from the front. He was wiping his hands with a moist towelette. ‘I took it in stride. See, I didn’t even use my spear. That’s called restraint.’ He winked at Amyll, then turned to address Phency, who apparently hadn’t noticed the corpse yet. ‘Can you get rid of that?’

Phency did, as Benzene sat himself down and began to theatrically ponder up a new plan. He even put a fist to his chin in traditional thinking pose.

The door opened. It wasn’t Phency back from his somewhat macabre errand, it was Nora, who stood quite still and looked pointedly at the bloodstain in the aisle.

‘Someone having a bad day?’ she asked.

‘There’s been a change of plan,’ was Benzene’s response. ‘Amyll will be going in with our three Caliber guests. Since we no longer have our solution for the wards on the entrance, you’ll use that green Dragon you’re apparently already acquainted with to get in as “official” security.

‘Amyll, you’ll be making the counterfeit on the fly since we won’t be able to smuggle it in anymore.’

‘Benzene, I don’t know if—‘

‘You’ll do great,’ said Benzene, and that was the end of it. ‘Rembra, you’re still going to be needed to even find our target, which means you’ll need to find a way in separately. We don’t want the Dragon recognising the mole from her workforce.’

Merlin glanced at his Dad, who’d stopped cowering and had gone alarmingly still. ‘How did you know we told Laniakea we were here as her security?’ he asked.

Benzene only grinned. ‘It’s hardly much of a leap, Merlin. Has anyone ever told you you’re too suspicious? Or that you take too many risks?’

Ursa recoiled at this ever so slightly.

⁂

So it was that the three of them, plus Amyll—introduced to Laniakea as another Caliber agent—approached the main entrance with a soon-to-be-disgraced green Dragon and her Angelic plus one. Amyll had already fabricated suits in the style of the other security guards (plus a hot pink one for Ursa), and they kept close to their ’employer’, again in the style of the other guards.

The proximity worked out quite well, as Laniakea clearly had a lot more liquor in her cabinet and occasionally needed propping up.

‘Alright,’ said Merlin, catching up. ‘We should be on the digital list. Hopefully Laniakea will have enough… cognizance to convince the door staff to let us through the wards.’

Both Ursa and Nora ignored him. Ursa was in the process of texting Alkahest for info on Benzene—no luck—and Nora had just learned that her attempts to get info from the Caliber servers via Morris had been thwarted by some sort of digital labyrinth trap, that her patron was now somewhat stuck inside.

‘Yes, let’s hope so,’ said Amyll, presumably in an attempt to keep him from feeling neglected.

They were next in the queue. A doorman at a desk with a laptop hastily set up on it besides a potted plant, and a doorman standing by a large monolithic doorway with faintly twinkling runes. Both doormen eyed them with professional suspicion. The potted plant made no comment.

‘Laniakea and uh… entourage,’ provided Adagio.

The laptop doorman nodded. The monolith doorman gestured for them to step through.

After Laniakea and Adagio made it through unmolested, next was Merlin’s turn. He stepped forward… and stopped. Trying to push through the doorway was like pushing through plastic wrap. His nose even pressed flat against the rest of his face.

‘Sir, could you step aside please?’ asked the guard. His hand had gone to the softly humming knife on his hip.

‘…What. Is the meaning of this?’ asked Laniakea, staggering back towards the commotion.

‘It, uh, won’t let me through,’ explained Merlin. ‘We might have been missed off the guest list.’

A matchstick-thin wisp of green gas escaped from the corner of Laniakea’s mouth, the alcohol on her breath mixing with it for even greater potency.

‘Actually, Ma’am,’ began the guard.

Then Laniakea was in his face, and writhing tendrils of her breath weapon had billowed out around him. ‘I see how it is. This event. I was not supposed to be attending, was I?’

‘Uh. Uh. I don’t know, Ma’am? I’m not in charge of the guest list…’

‘You assumed I would cower atop my empire, like a babe ripped from the royal breast.’

Adagio tried to waft away some of the gas. ‘I’m sure he didn’t think that, babe. Like I can almost guarantee that’s not a thing he thought.’

Laniakea was in full nihilistic fury, though. ‘And now, your little gate would bar us entry? Cast me as a pauper outside the banquet hall, one who should be content with scraps from the table?’

The cloud of gas had reached the man’s collar now. He was sweating, or crying, or both.

‘Merler. Merlo. Mer.’ She huffed out another poisonous breath and gave up. ‘Small Gnome. Go around the gate. These fools have brought a gate which is too narrow for the corridor.’

The laptop guard chimed in. ‘Ma’am, it’s not a barrier, it’s just a way for us to check—’

Laniakea gnashed her teeth and ignited the gas, along with the doorman’s shirt and trousers. He began to roll on the floor and rip them off, as Lanakea stepped past and the others followed without further scrutiny.

The laptop guard tipped the potted plant over his compatriot, damp soil putting out the last of the fire.

‘Why’d you have to say that, Paul?’ asked the now-charred monolith guard.

The other one just shrugged.

Inside the convention centre proper, hundreds of Dragons and their security details milled from stall to display to meet-and-greet. It really was like a proper convention.

They eyed a display of swords that absolutely thrummed with esoteric power. Several other Dragons were inspecting the selection, discussing the exploits of the one who’d provided them.

KINDLY LOANED FOR THIS DISPLAY BY ETA ARGUS, read the card on their stand.

‘You can see on this one he only added it last Tuesday,’ said one of the onlookers, referring to a detail invisible to non-Draconic eyes.

‘Yeah, and according to the metadata he’s already killed eighteen people with it,’ said another. They all laughed.

‘Ugh,’ said Laniakea. ‘We are early. I’ll be at the bar until the ranking.’

‘Wait,’ said Ursa, ‘Do we need to come with you then? As your security?’

Laniakea slowed her absconding. ‘I will reveal to you a secret. Pink one. The legions of security personnel that each Dragon here has to guard them? Pageantry. You are here for show. And I do not intended to be noticed. You can amuse yourselves, I’m sure.’

And then she left, Adagio in tow, pushing past a shorter Dragon who seemed to be about to ask to chat with her. They could, indeed, amuse themselves.

‘Sup, dickfish?’ came Rembra’s voice.

‘So, you got in,’ said Merlin. Then, ‘Hold on, “dickfish”?’

‘I’m diversifying my lexis.’

‘Oh. Well, shut up. I’m trying to spot the alarm panel.’

‘Why?’

Earlier, Merlin had added a code to the hall’s fire panel that when entered would totally disable the alarms. ‘Just in case,’ he said, omitting the important parts.

As they walked around, seeing the same shorter Dragon now showing Mr. Pyrite a rune-etched candle and asking if he’d be willing to add his breath to her hoard of flames, seeing an athletic-looking Dragon with antlers holding a Q&A about his hoard of bottled shipwrecks, and ignoring another who tried to show them his hoard of telephones, Amyll decided to provide a fun fact.

‘You know, with my smelling of how old things are, that actually does apply to the Dragons here. I know their power corresponds to their standing, not their age, but there is a correlation.’

She slowed down a bit. ‘And… that woman there might be the oldest Dragon here.’

Said woman was calmly sat at a table groaning under the weight of clockwork upon it. Mostly timepieces, but with the occasional more obscure curio like a music box or orrery. As they watched, a little window in one opened to emit a cuckoo made of glass or crystal or psychic energy.

‘You’re staring,’ said the Dragon. ‘Interested in timekeeping?’

Merlin, finding that nobody else seemed to want to reply, took the lead. ‘Uh, I do have a more than passing interest, but we’re actually here at the behest of Laniakea. Securing the area and all that.’

‘Ha! Laniakea’s here, then, is she? Is she sulking?’

‘You might say that, uh…?’

‘Merensky,’ said the Dragon. When none of them recoiled or bowed down, she continued: ‘the Platinum Timekeeper.’

‘It’s a pleasure,’ said Merlin, failing to react to the title. He held out his hand in formal greeting, but this only got a look from Merensky.

‘I wouldn’t risk that, if I were you,’ she said. ‘That’s speaking as someone with a soft spot for Laniakea. Wouldn’t want to damage her staff.’

‘Is that a threat?’ asked Nora, as Merlin’s hand retracted.

‘No, no, of course not,’ said Merensky, with a genuine, friendly smile. ‘Just a risk. But fuck off for now, yeah? Tell Laniakea to come visit me in Upton.’

They did, heading back towards the opposite side of the convention where the stage had been set up. There was a lot of ground to cover, and they still had to find—

‘Will you watch where you’re going, you diminutive little creep?’

Merlin stopped, plastering a look of polite serenity on his face. These were Dragons, even if it was the most stressful day of Merlin’s life. So far.

The Dragon responsible for this outburst had, ironically enough, not been looking where he was going, and instead craning his neck to make out as many different stands and displays as possible.

He was short, though obviously not as short as Merlin-the-actual-Gnome, and his skin was an unnatural red that was only growing hotter and brighter. Over his right eye was an eyepatch, the strings of which went back into his carefully quaffed hair.

Merlin eyed his designer stubble and furious snarl.

‘Sorry about that?’ he tried, diplomatically. When this didn’t quell the rising fury, he added, ‘…sir?’

Still nothing.

‘We’re actually here with Laniakea,’ continued Merlin. ‘If we’ve caused offence you’re more than welcome to take it up with her.’

This, this got a reaction. For a brief second, the Dragon looked ready to drop his humanoid form and tear the Gnome apart; a sludgy wave of heat rolled over them like they’d opened the door of a dirty oven. But the fire was quenched as quickly as it had been aroused.

‘Pah,’ said the Dragon, hefting his briefcase and storming past. ‘I don’t have time for infants. Much as I’d like to teach Laniakea a lesson by taking her minions away. Where the hell is that platinum hag?!’ He continued his muttering as he vanished into the crowd.

Merlin glanced towards Ursa. ‘See? I’m an absolute master of restraint, thank you very much.’

‘Does he have beef with Laniakea or something?’ wondered Ursa.

Nora didn’t reply, though. She was looking towards Rembra, whose nose was twitching like she’d just got a nostril full of cartoon pepper. ‘That’s our guy. He’s got the thing we want to steal.’

This got a resounding cry of despair from all present, but the loudest came from Ursa and Nora respectively: ‘Nooooooooooooo,’ and ‘Fuck that guy’.

Caliber Session 20: The Lóng Con, Part 1

There’s a minor risk of fire in Merlin’s beard. His hands shake as he grapples with the urge to strangle the Demon talking at him until it stops smiling. If his father hadn’t stepped in, there’d be literal thunder in the air.

‘I can absolutely guarantee that your dear mother is in no danger whatsoever right now,’ says the Demon, pleasantly. ‘I certainly don’t want to cause any harm. It’s merely a bit of insurance considering your, ah, history with people such as myself. And rest assured, any members of the crew—including parental figures held as collateral—will receive their cut, same as everybody else, if they do their part and make it to the end of our upcoming little escapade.’

Merlin is too angry to pick up on precisely how vague this statement is. Or, if he does, it doesn’t seem important at the moment. ‘Fine,’ he says, barely parting his lips. ‘But I am here against my will. Don’t forget that.’

‘Oh, I won’t.’

Taking in the surroundings, Merlin counts heads again. Five in total, not including him and his dad. Or, Merlin supposes, his mum, presumably tied to a chair somewhere and guarded by god-only-knows what Infernal monster.

His hands are shaking again.

‘So,’ he says, adjusting his beanie, to give said hands something to do. ‘Who the fuck are you?’

The Demon’s smile only widens. ‘We can get to introductions on the way. And I’ll fill you in on the job, too, since you were curious enough to ask.’ He nods to the driver, who promptly pulls out of the depot, and seems to be having a whale of a time behind the wheel of the bus.

‘My name,’ says the Demon who’s done most of the talking, ‘is Benzene. Benzene Petcoke if I’m ever in court. I steal things for a living, because I’m very good at it. Everyone on this bus, and yes the bus itself, is here to assist in that goal tonight; think of me as the mastermind.’

Merlin rolls his eyes. His dad continues to look concerned.

‘Obviously we know you and Albar.’ Benzene is referring to Merlin’s dad. Usually Albar just goes by “Al”, but the Demon either doesn’t know or doesn’t care—probably the former, considering his obvious effort to be friendly. ‘Behind the wheel is our driver, Phency,’ he continues. ‘Phency, can you drive and talk?’

‘Oh, oh yes,’ says Phency. There’s a manic look to him, and he seems to have restless leg syndrome, which is a bit of a detriment to driving smoothly. ‘What’s up?’

‘Introduce yourself.’

‘Yeah. Ok. Yeah I’m the driver. Free agent. Work for myself now. Used to run with Vic Sulph’s boys but they all got wiped out so here I am.’

Had Merlin still been drinking his cold-brew it would have sprayed out of his nose. ‘Did, uh,’ he tries, but stops and rewords his query to something a bit more innocuous. ‘What happened to them?’

‘The lot of them murdered by one man. And I swore if I ever catch up with him, I’ll have my revenge.’ Phency seems less twitchy and more dangerous now. ‘That man’s name… is Alkahest.’

A little bit of cold-brew actually does spray out of Merlin’s nose, somehow. He laughs for a solid eight seconds.

‘God, not this shit again,’ says another Demon with mint-green hair, sitting in one of the seats you reserve for pregnant women. Her name is Rembra, and she’s pawing at her phone. Merlin already knows her, and knows what to expect.

‘I take it I have you to thank for my name coming up in the list of potential heistmates, then?’ he asks.

‘Actually, no,’ she replies. ‘Weird, eh?’ She goes back to looking at her phone.

Benzene slides the conversation back towards himself. ‘Yes, you were actually a pick from our buyer, who funded all this and suggested a few potential participants. Your reputation with the more technological side of things is quite impressive. Plus, with your family’s involvement, we found ourselves a mechanic to keep our bus ride ticking along smoothly! If that isn’t serendipity, well, I just don’t know what is.

‘Speaking of which, imagine my surprise to learn Rembra—currently occupying the role of our actual burglar, and having been a mole for a few weeks—is already acquainted with you! Small Fulcrum, hmm?’

Merlin doesn’t like the sound of this. ‘A mole in what?’

‘Remember at Open Sky when I said I lost all that money?’ says Rembra, sweetly. ‘I lied.’

The last person to steal from Open Sky Capital, and thus from the Dragon Laniakea, was thrown from a top floor window. Thankfully, though, the bus doesn’t seem to be on its way to Open Sky.

‘Where are we headed, Benzene?’ asks Merlin, his need for clarity outmaneuvering his desire to seem unperturbed.

‘Stop interrupting,’ says Benzene. His composure cracks for around half a second, before he catches the slip and tamps his demeanour down.

‘Let’s get introductions out of the way first, hmm? Now, this is Amyll. She’s our fabricator; forgeries being a specialty of hers. I know isn’t quite a normal heist-crew role but hey, we’ve got to be adaptable.’

Amyll, a woman with spectacles and long hair, cocks her head at him. ‘You’re starting to sound Fae, Benzene.’ She then seems to realise she’d talked back to a Demon not above family hostage taking, and who had just seconds ago demonstrated something of a temper. She shrinks back into herself.

Merlin feels for her.

Benzene, though, barely seems to notice, an almost indulgent smile on his face. He continues to the very rear of the bus, where a large woman in military fatigues has her legs up on the back seats. Glimmering over her head is a stippled halo.

‘Finally, this is Caesura, our arcane safecracker. She’s actually here in a similar way to you, though coming at things from a magical angle as opposed to a technological one.’

‘Yes,’ says Caesura, with a heavy accent. ‘And you have taken those I love as insurance also. Very similar.’ She turns to Merlin. ‘What do you bring?’

‘…Bring to what?’

‘The table.’

‘Oh, right,’ says Merlin, remembering himself. He snaps his fingers and switches Off the bus’s engine. The lights inside go out until Phency gets it started again, muttering incessantly.

‘Mm,’ says Caesura. ‘Very good.’

Merlin shifts to look at his Dad. ‘Don’t you normally ward engines against that sort of thing?’

The other Demons are staring at them. ‘Yeah,’ says his Dad. ‘You’ve gotten good.’ He sounds utterly surprised.

The bus is just about on the other side of Middlemarch’s centre, having already circumnavigated the pedestrianised zone. They’re now trundling through the enclave of pubs and restaurants on the way towards the satellite towns.

Benzene’s eyes are still crinkled at the corners. ‘And with that, I suppose now is the time to reveal our target. Ahem.

‘A little ways north up the M1 is a convention centre. At this time of night we should get there in less than two hours, meaning we’ll be some of the first to arrive and we can blend in among the other buses, which will contain convention attendees and their security details.

‘From there, we infiltrate using cover supplied by Rembra’s insider status, with Merlin getting us through the technological security at the door and Caesura ensuring a malfunction of the magical wards, plus Amyll fabricating outfits and other signifying wristbands or whatever to fit in with the aforementioned security.

‘Once inside, Rembra will use her sense to identify the object of most value to us, and thus our target. Amyll fabricates a duplicate of it, Merlin, you create a distraction, and we make the switch. From there we all come back to our getaway-ready bus—courtesy of Albar here—and we get away.

‘We meet up with our buyer, who will be calling me directly, we give them the goods, and we get paid. Simple.’

Too simple, from where Merlin’s sat. ‘Alright,’ he says. ‘What about the attendees? Who are we stealing from?’

‘Ah,’ says Benzene. His expression doesn’t change.

⁂

Quite a bit of time earlier in our story has been dedicated to the idiosyncrasies of a Dragon and its hoard. It’s in their nature, as beings of Order. Each and every Dragon chooses a topic to build a hoard around, and pursues items that could be added to that hoard with the kind of zeal usually only seen in inquisitions, or in that crocodile that used to try and steal Coco Pops from the monkey.

Dragons are also notoriously solitary, rarely working together because despite being powerfully connected to Order as a concept, none of them will actually recognise the authority of any of the others without a concrete demonstration. And when you’re a gargantuan fire-breathing monster, any such demonstrations end with the victor the king of nothing but a small, smoldering hill.

What to do then? Perhaps some sort of abstract system that each and every Dragon could judge each and every other Dragon by? Based perhaps on traits and proclivities common to all Dragons, no matter the colour or level of power?

So Draconic society has a strict and rigid hierarchy, one that is measured based on an individual’s hoard. Dragons can innately see if an item is a part of a hoard as a kind of arcane metadata tag, and can even trade and barter with pieces they think may be of interest to others.

The hoards themselves are judged on two factors; a Dragon accumulates prestige based on the degree of difficulty to acquire pieces for their hoard’s subject, and the quality of the items in the hoard itself. It’s a similar system of judgement to ice skating, except instead of a score out of 6, you have a hundred or so Dragons all subconsciously agreeing on your place in the hierarchy.

Of course, this system means a regular check-in for each and every Dragon with each and every other one is necessary. And so every few years there’s a sort of convention—a Dragon Con, if you will—for Draconic society, where a Dragon will bring the new and prestigious pieces of their hoard to be judged.

It can be something of a high-pressure event. This year, it’s being held in the Fulcrum UK.

⁂

‘Do you have any sort of idea how powerful they are?!’ says Merlin, when Benzene tells him. ‘This is suicide!’

‘Merlin, come on, you should have a little more confidence in yourself!’

The other members of the crew seem equally perturbed, apart from Phency, who is driving just as fast.

Then a bullet hits the back window.

⁂

Nora is quite drunk.

She’s walking home with Ursa at her heels, embarrassed at how loose her tongue has gotten after only 2 litres of margarita.

‘I really think we should call an uber,’ suggests Ursa, again.

Nora gives her a look over her shoulder, stepping into the road.

She is hit by a bus.

More specifically, she stumbles out of the way as a speeding bus performs the world’s smallest swerve in a half-hearted attempt to avoid her, the mirror clips her shoulder, and she spins on the spot more incensed than alarmed. There’s a familiar face in one of the windows, and Nora spins at just the right RPM to follow its parabola.

‘MERLIN JUST HIT ME WITH HIS FUCKING BUS!!’ she roars. She pulls out her gun.

Four shots are fired. One of them pings off the reinforced glass of the rear window, the others going wide and presumably exploding a pigeon (actually, most pigeons in Middlemarch would survive this for reasons we’ll get to later).

Oddly enough, the bus rolls to a stop. This is because onboard, the driver has left his seat and rolled down a window to get a better look at who’s shooting at them.

‘What the hells are you doing, Phency?’ asks Benzene. ‘You don’t stop if we’re under attack. This is literally the reason you’re here.’

‘Oh,’ says Phency. ‘Yeah. I’m supposed to be a bus driver.’ He begins to giggle.

There’s a knock at the bus’ automatic doors. Phency sees two figures; one of them is swaying and waving a gun. The other gives him a little wave and mouths Can we get on?

Phency opens the doors, to a collective groan from the other passengers.

‘This is a private—’ begins Amyll, but Merlin’s Dad interrupts her.

‘This is a private hire, ladies, sorry!’ he says, trying to usher them off the bus. ‘We’re going to a private event, so if you’ll just…’

Nora grimaces at him. ‘Jesus, Merlin, what the fuck happened to your face? You look like an old candle.’

Ursa hisses and intervenes. ‘Nora, that isn’t Merlin! Why did you shoot the bus? Why did I let you shoot the bus and drag me to—oh, Merlin’s over there. Hey Merlin!’

Merlin doesn’t get the chance to reply, because Benzene gets back to his feet.

‘Friends of yours, Merlin? My, we’re getting more complicated by the minute.’

Merlin hesitates as he tries to think of a believable way to get these idiots out of harm’s way. His Dad sees this, and seems to grow concerned.

‘Do you know them, Sam?’

There’s a guffaw from Nora. ‘Your name is Sam?’ she says.

‘Yes,’ says Merlin to them both. Then, just to Nora, ‘That wasn’t a secret. Did you just never bother to learn?’

Nora is still grinning. ‘I suppose not, Sam.’

Ursa, seeing talks devolving into name-calling – literally – decides to establish her credentials.

‘We’re with the Caliber Institute. The three of us, including Merlin there, are the finest team they have.’

Benzene’s teeth clench. ‘And what does the Caliber Institute think it’s doing, intervening in the private affairs of—’

‘Oh, come on,’ says Ursa. ‘We aren’t here on business. We’re here for our friend.’

Merlin’s jaw actually drops, just slightly. ‘Ursa,’ he says, after a second, ‘As much as I appreciate the gesture, my Dad and I aren’t captives.’

‘Wait is that your Dad?’

‘In fact it’s really important that we get to where we’re going without incident, so if you can just… you know.’ He nods toward the doors.

‘Pshh, fuck off, Sam,’ says Nora. She plops down on the nearest seat.

‘Yeah,’ agrees Ursa. ‘We’ve got your back. Your chance to escape being friends was weeks ago.’

Benzene looks from her, to Nora, to Amyll, and then just shrugs. ‘Fine,’ he says. ‘They’re in. Though Merlin, if they want to get paid it’s coming out of your cut. I’m a patient man, so I’ll even go over the plan one more time. Phency? Step on it.’

⁂

‘…and that distraction will be up to Merlin, Ursa, and Nora here,’ finishes Benzene. ‘I already know what Merlin can do; what kind of skills are you two bringing?’

Before they can reply, though, Benzene’s phone beeps. ‘Oh,’ he says, retrieving it and silencing the alarm. ‘Time for the check-in.’

He gets up and ambles towards the front of the bus. Little snatches of conversation drift back.

Ursa, Nora, and Albar are sat in one of the triple seats near the back. Merlin has gone to speak with Amyll on the seats one forward, for some reason, but she’s just looking out of the window. Caesura has her eyes closed at the very back, while Rembra still sits near the front, playing a romhack of Pokémon Silver on her phone.

Albar lowers his voice so only Ursa and Nora can hear. ‘He’s been checking in with whoever’s guarding my wife, wherever she is. He told us before that if he doesn’t call them every hour on the dot, she’s going to die.’

Nora, hearing this, sobers somewhat. ‘Morris,’ she whispers to her watch. ‘Can you trace that call?’

There’s a second or two before the reply comes. ‘No, sorry,’ it says. ‘It’s as if he’s not even connected to a call at all. Maybe the other caller is off-world?’

‘Hmm,’ says Nora.

Ursa shifts in her seat as Benzene makes his way back. ‘Let me try something.’

‘My apologies; now where were we—?’ begins Benzene, but doesn’t get to finish before Ursa jumps up and begins prodding him, both figuratively and finger-atively.

‘So let me just see if I’ve got this right,’ she says, poking at his chest with a gloved hand. ‘You have no idea what it even is you’re supposed to be stealing, you have no idea who your “sponsor” is, you have no idea how exactly you’re going to be causing a sufficient distraction to get what we need and get away clean, and then you have the gall to ask us what we bring to the table?’

Then she taps the finger she’s been poking at his suit with on the palm of her glove, twice. The Chameleon Shiftweave activates, replicating his outfit even as Ursa changes her face to match his.

‘This is what we bring to the table,’ she says, with his borrowed voice.

Benzene’s expression had been growing ever darker at her needling, but now day breaks on his brow and he’s ostensibly delighted. ‘Wow!’ he cries, and looks over towards Amyll again, just briefly. She’s talking to Merlin now, not looking back.

He refocuses his attention on his own copied image. ‘Now this we can play with. And that works on anyone, does it?’

‘Anyone I’ve seen,’ says Ursa.

‘I’m seeing double here,’ says Rembra, from the front of the bus. ‘Four Benzenes!’ Nobody laughs but her.

Meanwhile, Merlin is gently trying to get a conversation with Amyll going. ‘I uh, heard from Caesura the Mr. Mastermind over there has loved ones of hers, too. Is it the same for you?’

Amyll suddenly seems to register she’s being spoken to. Behind them, Nora listens in, apparently having little to talk about with distracted Albar.

‘Oh, oh no!’ says Amyll. ‘I might not look it but I’m a dyed-in-the-wool career criminal, haha. No need for that with me.’ She sags a little. ‘Well, no need for that with anyone, in my opinion. It’s a little… brutish.’

‘Speak for yourself. I certainly wouldn’t be here otherwise.’

‘Not even for the amount of money we’re going to make?’

Merlin scoffs. ‘Somehow I’m expecting Benzene’s cheques to bounce. As long as he keeps his word and my Mum isn’t harmed, I don’t care. But,’ and here he makes sure his voice carries, ‘if anything happens to her I’m going to wipe all of you out. Bus included.’

Benzene is still smiling. ‘Now there’s that confidence I was hoping for!’ he says. There’s only one of him now.

‘I don’t think that’ll be necessary, though,’ says Amyll, continuing more quietly. ‘We’re all on the same side here.’

‘Are we?’ says Merlin, almost smiling. ‘Because I’m feeling a bit exposed. I know nothing about these people but they know where my fucking parents live.’

Amyll pouts. It doesn’t seem to be an affectation. ‘I could tell you a bit about what we can all do? Most of it’s self-explanatory, but there’s our senses and all that?’

Merlin quirks an eyebrow, and Amyll takes it as a sign to continue.

‘Well, I’ll start with me. You already know about my “fabrication”; I can copy objects and, uh, automatons I guess. I’m an Incubus. And my special sense is that I can smell how old things are. It’s sort of niche, but it might come in handy if there are dragons, huh?’

Merlin nods slowly.

Amyll smiles. ‘You’re wondering about the Incubus-Succubus-gender-roles, right?’

‘I wasn’t going to ask.’

‘No, but everyone wonders if it’s their first time meeting someone like me, because of stuffy conservative shit like the Malleus Maleficarum. The word “Incubus” is literally derived from “to lie upon” in Latin; “Succubus” is “to lie beneath”, which automatically became “male” and “female” because Henricus Institor was an incel with a tradwife fetish.’

‘He… uh, what?’

‘Anyway! Phency at the front there is a Nightmare.’

‘He does seem like a bit of a mess.’

‘No, like a horse demon. Though you’re right, he is a mess. I’m not a hundred percent sure about his sense. I think he can hear if something is flammable? As for Rembra there, she—’

‘We’ve met.’

‘Oh. Well then! That just leaves Caesura, who as I’m sure you’ve surmised isn’t a Demon at all. She’s here because of her facility for breaking things.’

Merlin nods again. ‘What about Benzene? What’s his sixth sense?’

Amyll pushes her glasses up her nose. ‘Now that I don’t know. I don’t even know what kind of Demon he is. He keeps it pretty close to the chest. All I know is that he’ll assemble a crew, pull off a job, and then move on.’

‘Any sort of reputation for letting his crews take the fall for him?’ Merlin asks, finding that Amyll can’t look him in the eye.

‘I mean… I don’t think he’d be able to recruit people if that were the case.’

‘In this economy?’

There’s a bump as the bus pulls into a service station.

‘Alright, you crazy kids,’ announces Benzene. ‘Everybody get your ablutions out of the way, pick up some snacks if you want. This is our last stop before we get there.’

Still mulling over the conversation with Amyll, Merlin alights from the bus with his Dad.

‘Oh, I meant to say, Sam,’ says Albar, scratching at his beard. ‘I was impressed with you bypassing the wards I put on the engine before! This is like the first time you beat me at chess all over again.’

Merlin gazes at his shoes, suddenly sheepish. ‘I’ve never beaten you at chess, Dad.’

His father laughs. ‘No? Well, you’ve come close. Listen… I know I said before we should just go with it, for your Mum’s sake, but—do you have a plan? Do you think you could take these guys?’

‘…Not all at once. Look I’m not stupid, there’s no way I’m going to risk… you know. Right now the plan is just to go along with things, and track this lot down later.’

Albar seems satisfied with that, and goes to re-ward the engines. Ursa and Nora seem satisfied with it too, when Merlin regroups with them.

They lean against a wall, drinking coffee. Nora has somehow managed to convince a barista to pull 13 shots of espresso for her in one cup, and has replaced her swaying with a mild tremor. It’s probably an improvement.

‘I’m not going to say sorry about all this,’ adds Merlin. ‘I mean, the two of you literally shot at the bus and barged in without asking. But, uh. I am grateful.’

‘Don’t worry about it, Sam,’ says Nora, briskly.

‘Yeah, you don’t have to thank us,’ Ursa agrees. ‘Frankly I’d want that Benzene guy to get his comeuppance even if you weren’t involved personally. The guy’s a jackass.’

‘A bell end,’ agrees Nora. ‘Where is he now?’

Merlin cranes his neck towards the car park. ‘He’s doing the check in on my Mother,’ he says. ‘Presumably. He’s on his phone at any rate. His eyes are lit up.’

It’s true. Merlin watches Benzene pacing back and forth. He doesn’t seem to be talking, but listening, and his eyes are red and glowing. He must be using whatever mysterious sense he’s got.

‘You know,’ says Ursa, in the casual tones of one about to suggest a murder, ‘If we were to get his phone, I could copy him again, voice included. We can bypass the check-ins. Hypothetically, I mean.’

Merlin is still watching Benzene. He sees him laugh at whatever he’s listening to.

‘Maybe,’ says Merlin. ‘Might still be a bit risky. What if there’s a password?’

‘I’ll keep an ear out,’ says Ursa. ‘Maybe I should text Alkahest, actually? He might know a bit about the guy. If he routinely gets his crews killed, for example.’

Merlin sniggers. ‘You don’t need our permission to text your Demon boyfriend, Ursa.’

‘He’s not my Demon boyfriend he’s my Demon fiancé.’

Nora takes one last gulp of her hyperdense coffee and neatly tosses it into a nearby bin. ‘There is another potential route we could take. This convention is a Draconic thing, right?’

The others tilt their heads.

‘We could just alert them about the thieves in their midst.’

‘And then we get caught and Benzene has my mother killed,’ says Merlin. ‘It’s an unconventional approach, Nora, but go on.’

Nora shows him her middle finger, but continues. ‘I don’t mean telling everyone and blowing our cover. I just mean that… maybe there’ll be a Dragon there that we have a pre-established working relationship with.’

Ursa shakes her head. ‘No, Laniakea won’t be attending after all that business with the Infernomicon. That’s literally our cover story.’

‘I’m not talking about Laniakea. I’m talking about someone else we… I have a rapport with. On account of my name being in their records.’

Ursa frowns, but then her eyes go wide. ‘You don’t mean… you didn’t…?’

‘Nora,’ says Merlin, pinching the bridge of his nose. ‘Are you telling us that when you went to meet with Mr. Pyrite, and you were telling us what happened afterwards, you neglected to mention that you gave him your True Name?’

‘Hey, you asked if I signed his book and I told you he wanted me to.’

‘Yes, your refusal was implicit in that statement!’

‘Anyway, since I have that working relationship… maybe if we find him, he’d agree to help us out. We can make it worth his while.’

‘I’m not giving him my name,’ says Ursa, vehemently.

‘Maybe we offer him whatever the loot we’re after is, then, I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. If we get his backing I bet we can turn the tables, you know?’

Merlin still hasn’t looked up. ‘Maybe? Maybe. I’d still prefer to wait until after my Mother’s safe before we kick any hornet’s nests. But you’re right, someone influential on the inside having our backs might give us some wiggle room.’

Finally, he looks back out at Benzene, who grins and beckons them back to the bus. ‘For when he eventually betrays us, I mean,’ adds Merlin.

⁂

The sun has fully risen by the time they arrive at the convention centre, though with the morning mist it has to try quite hard to light the whole sky. Their bus was indeed one of the first ones there, and once a sufficient queue of Dragons and their entourages develops, Bezene sends a group to reconnoiter dress code, entry wrist bands, and general security around the entrance.

Said group consists of Merlin, Nora, and Ursa, as well as Rembra to ensure there’s no “funny business”.

‘So,’ says Merlin, as casually as he can manage given the circumstances. ‘What’s it like working with Benzene?’

Rembra grunts. ‘Well, he’s a bastard, but he gets shit done.’

Merlin grumbles. No news there. ‘Do you know what his extra sense is?’

This gets a snort in response. ‘Actually, Merlin, I do. Heard him tell Caesura about it, to keep her from doing anything stupid. Doubt that’d persuade her though. Borscht instead of brains, if you catch my drift.’

Merlin waits politely for her to continue. She, of course, does not; instead, she just leers at him.

‘Oh no, I’m not going to tell you what it is, you lil scamp! It’s funnier if you don’t know.’

‘I wasn’t joking before,’ says Merlin, hissing through his teeth. ‘When I said I’d wipe you out.’

‘Oh, I know. You aren’t the joking type.’

The entrance is mostly what they expected; a set of cameras, bag scanners, and an electronic list of invitations. Dress is formal for security teams, with their Draconic protectees invariably more ostentatious, though ranging from red carpet to Final Fantasy end boss in their conspicuity. Guests are given a yellow wristband.

There’s also a rough-hewn monolith in a vaguely threatening archway shape, giving the impression of the full-body scanners in any given airport. Runes and sigils cross its inner surface, lighting up as a guest walks under them.

‘I can get us onto the electronic list,’ says Merlin. ‘The magical scanner, though…’

‘Will stop working when Caesura gets within thirty feet,’ finishes Rembra. ‘Right. We’re heading back.’

She turns, and the others trudge along in her wake. Ursa in particular is barely paying attention; instead, she’s typing on her phone.

Hey, hope you’re doing ok! I’m out late tonight with Nora!

Merlin is also here!

Oh shit! Lemme know if you need collecting; I finally got the car sorted out. No more driving that roller skate we had to use at Strych’s 🏁

Maybe hang fire on that for now. But I might need it soon? I’ll keep you posted!

Rembra goes all rigid, like a cat that’s spotted a bird that’s somehow holding a gun. ‘Hide!’ she hisses, and ducks through the nearby queue despite the vaguely affronted reactions of the Dragons within it.

Merlin, hearing her panic, sprints away from the building and skids under the nearest bus. Nora, who is currently grappling with a sleepless hangover, and Ursa, who is picking out a variety of emojis on her phone, attempt to hide by standing where they are in a casual fashion.

A hand comes down on Nora’s shoulder. It’s faintly green. Nora turns to see Laniakea, who is attending the event despite her loss of status. Adagio is with her.

‘You,’ says Laniakea. ‘Why are you here.’

Nora looks around as if a helicopter might magically appear and whisk her away to safety. ‘Uh. Uh. We’re part of your security team!!’

Laniakea blinks. Somehow, she believes her.

‘Ah,’ she says. ‘Your Director Brynner is a generous man. This way, then.’

She doesn’t wait for them to follow, instead walking over to the bus with Merlin under it. ‘And where is the small, impudent one. He wears a hat?’

‘Oh, Merlin is, uh…’ begins Nora, only for Adagio behind her to lean down and point.

‘He’s under the bus, Lania. What are you doing under there, Merlin?’

‘I’ve, er…’ tries Merlin, wriggling out from his hiding place, before giving up on anything convincing. ‘I’ve lost my marbles,’ he finishes, sounding more resigned than anything.

Adagio just nods, sagely, as if this makes any sense at all.

As they get on the bus, the last thing Nora sees is Rembra emerging from the queue. Her face is scrunched up in that universal what-the-fuck kind of way.

Nora just gives her a thumbs up, and the door closes behind her.

Building Better Boss Battles: Modular Monsters

Dungeons & Dragons is a game based around combat. It’s one of the game’s three pillars, and it’s a core aspect of the system. If you don’t want combat, you’re probably better off with a different system, right? This is D&D; we have Dungeons, we have Dragons, and we have the ability to be killed by a dragon at the end of a dungeon.

That’s it. That’s the game.

Trouble is, D&D – and 5e especially – suffers somewhat when you try to run a boss fight. Specifically, it suffers when when you try to run a solo boss fight. You know, a climactic showdown between the party and some obscenely powerful monster? Or even the main Villain themselves? The kind of battle that should be the most thrilling, the most exciting?

And then in practice, your players stand in a circle around the boss and kick it until its arms and legs fall off.

This is because of the action economy. The action economy, in 5e, refers to how much stuff you can do in one turn. For a player, that usually means one action, 30 feet of movement, and one bonus action and reaction if they’ve got the tools to use them. For a boss monster? Well, actually, it’s kind of the same.

Multiattacks, Legendary Actions, Lair Actions, and Legendary Resistances mitigate the issue a bit, but for the most part a boss monster and a player character have an equal amount of stuff. Yes, the boss’ stuff might hit harder than any single player’s stuff, but there’s only one of the boss when there’s several players. That isn’t a boss fight, it’s bullying!

Seriously though, I can’t tell you how many times I’d set up a climactic showdown with Phobos Darkevil the Necromancer, or the Plague King, or literally Shadow the Hedgehog but I didn’t tell my players that, only to have the actual fight play out as tedious and one sided because for every one spin attack the boss did, it’d get pelted with five turns worth of punishment.

(As an aside, I think a separate but equally catastrophic 5e problem is treating a fight as the source of conflict, as opposed to a method of solving conflict that’s been introduced by other factors. It’s the difference between ‘they enter the room and have to fight, oh, let’s say, an owlbear’ and ‘the cultists’ ritual is almost complete, and they’re more than willing to use violence to keep you from disrupting it’.

Maybe I’ll write something about this another time?)

Three Dogs

So, how do we fix this? 4e had a novel approach with Minions, a type of ugly yellow toddler ‘Monster Role’ designed to help ‘fill out an encounter’. Basically, a minion is destroyed when it takes any amount of damage, but it still needs to be attacked, so you can treat them like croutons in a bowl of soup; scatter a few on top to add a bit of additional crunch to your encounter.

The trouble with that approach though is twofold: one, adding more monsters sort of defeats the point of a solo boss fight, and two, once they’re all gone? Your players stand in a circle around the bowl, and they’ve all got their own spoons, and I shouldn’t have extended that metaphor.

So what’s different with our approach? Well, I can’t tell you yet. First we have to talk a little bit about Greek mythology! No, seriously.

Chances are you know a bit about Cerberus. In fact, you’re reading an article about D&D boss encounters, of course you know about Cerberus. Big dog. Three heads. Name possibly comes from the Sanskrit word k̑érberos, meaning “spotted”, which is huge if true.

Specifically, we have to talk about Euripides’ version of Cerberus. See, Euripides said ‘Alright, yeah, Cerberus has three heads, yeah, but he’s also got three bodies too.’

And his friend Eumenides says ‘Surely that’s just three dogs, squire.’

And in response Euripides goes into exile in Macedonia.

But let’s assume for a minute that Euripides hasn’t lost his little oil flask, and that despite having three bodies, there was only one dog. What if Heracles shows up and hits one of Cerberus’ bodies with his club?

Well, Cerberus is still alive, obviously. But now instead of biting Heracles three times, it can only do it twice, since now it only has two slots in the initiative order. Wait hold on I dropped the metaphor—

The Modular Monster

Let’s keep on using Cerberus as our example. He’s got three heads and three bodies, but he’s just the one dog. We don’t need to tell our players about the multiple bodies, as far as they’re concerned, he’s one dog with the normal amount of bodies for a dog. Let’s not muddy the waters.

These three bodies mean three entries in the initiative order, so three pools of hit points, and a little more balance in the action economy. They also mean unique abilities for each one—let’s say there’s a fire head, an ice head, and uh a gravy head.

They didn’t have ‘Gravy Dog’ on DnDBeyond for some reason

When combat begins, you proceed as normal. You pick one of the bodies – let’s call them ‘modules’ – to take damage first, and when that one dies, you remove it from initiative like any other monster. Simple! And now, phase two has begun: the boss can no longer use its gravy breath weapon, so you change up your tactics, relying now on other attacks. You tell the players that the gravy head has closed its eyes, but the other heads look even angrier.

I think a Winter Wolf could still have a gravy breath weapon though

When all but one of your boss’ entries in initiative order are gone, you’re in the final phase. The boss is slower now, as far as action economy goes, and your players will have noticed this, especially if you’ve been describing the physical changes as modules have been removed! This is when you bring out the big guns, or even try to escape. The boss knows it’s on the ropes, and from both a mechanical and narrative perspective, it all comes down to this.

Maybe your players still end up standing in a circle and kicking the boss until its limbs come off. But this way, they’ll have earned it.

Benzene

At its heart, what we’re doing with this approach is disguising a group of enemies as a single entity. When you think about it that way, it seems really simple: 5e struggles to have solo monsters pose a threat, often just lumping them with more hit points so they survive longer and turn every fight into a slog. 5e combat is fun when there are a variety of targets to target. So all we do is turn the latter into the former.

But it works!

I’ll finish up with an example from the Sunday game I DM; a fight at the end of a six-session story arc involving a convention for Dragons, a heist, and a kidnapped parent. The arc’s villain – a demon named Benzene – called for a kind of hostage exchange: the aforementioned kidnapped parent for the loot from the heist.

But I built a boss fight, you know, just in case the players didn’t want to negotiate. And I decided to try this new idea.

It’s actually kind of scary to part the curtain like this!

In this encounter, Amyll, his wife and partner in crime, is represented with an Incubus statblock. She’s also responsible for Lair Actions, not actually taking part in the combat and instead guarding their hostage in another room.

Benzene himself I represented with two White Abishai. I kind of picked them on a whim because they had spears! In the narrative, though, Benzene is just one man – he comes out fast, and gets a spear after the second round’s lair action (the first is used to create a big ball of concrete that rolls towards the PC searching for the hostage).

After a fairly even fight, one of the Abishai is killed, so Benzene now has just the one turn in each round. He sheds his humanoid form and pulls out all the stops. The players feels the sense of progress, and press their attack further! They’ve slowed him enough though that with their advantage in the action economy, they can afford to split their attention between the fighting and their actual goal – rescuing a hostage.

It was a lot of fun to run, and my players seemed to enjoy themselves! All in all, considering this was the test run for a new style of building encounters, I couldn’t ask for a better result.

So, next time you’re struggling to create a balanced and compelling boss fight in 5e? Just put three dogs in a trenchcoat. If anyone asks, it’s a method you learned from an ancient Greek playwright.

⁂

If you liked this article we’ve got one on playing a Coffeelock without making everyone hate you!

Magician's Guilt in Dungeons and Dragons

And one on dealing with the Magician’s Guilt that comes with being a good DM!

Plus, if you liked this article and you also like podcasts, maybe check out Roll History, where Vesper and Sami discuss stupid stuff like this regularly! Or don’t; I’m a website, not a cop

Caliber Session 19: Mexican Food Interlude

After everything that happened in the Lake District, our party returns to Middlemarch feeling not at all refreshed, unfortunately. The bags under Merlin’s eyes have total hemispherical reflectance below 1.5% in the visible spectrum. Ursa misses her video upload for the week and gets a few tweets from entitled fans as a result. Nora doesn’t actually speak to another human (or humanoid) being for the next eight days.

When they eventually go back to work at the Institute, sanctions lifted, there’s quite a bit to catch up on. Except for Ursa, of course, who is currently unemployed.

‘I thought,’ says Merlin, fiddling with the lid of his cold brew bottle, ‘That I knew who our digital intruder was. But now I’m not so sure that they themselves are the problem.’

Penelope is floating by a monitor, reviewing user accounts. There’s no keyboard or mouse, but that doesn’t seem to bother her. ‘You seemed like you were uh, zeroing in on someone last time we spoke about our little security flaw?’

‘Yes, I thought I was.’ Merlin’s reply is probably a bit too quick. ‘But I’ve been thinking about the nature of the real issue; maybe it isn’t the person but the worm itself. The, uh, computer worm that’s burrowing in. Generic term, not a specific worm.’

Penelope deletes an entry. ‘I know what a worm is, Merlin.’

Merlin tries not to overthink everything Nora told him and the others about the Morris Worm. He sips his coffee. ‘I was thinking we could construct something in a virtual space. Like a firebreak around the servers themselves. Or a moat.’

‘I’ve tried that. It slowed our intruder down one time, but afterwards they’d learned how to bypass it.’

‘Yes, but what if we were to use another of the labyrinth bones?’

The list of user accounts doesn’t move for a few seconds. ‘…You’d need to run it by the director,’ says Penelope. She sounds like she’s already thinking through implementation. ‘An endless, virtual labyrinth… we’d need to set up a quarantine location, something better than a simple conjurewall, uh…’

Merlin leaves her to her musings, and goes to press the lift button for the top floor.

⁂

Director Brynner is already in a meeting though, and unaware of the ascending Gnome.

He leans back in his chair, fixing Ursa with cerulean light. He’d rescheduled two other meetings to see her at the time she’d requested, but the agenda isn’t quite the one he’d hoped for. ‘Could you clarify again exactly what you’re proposing, please?’

Ursa takes a breath. Her leg is threatening to start bouncing, and she finds herself assaulted by a memory of the time she first attempted to explain what a “Video Content Producer” does to her Mama and Tata.

‘I want to continue working with the Caliber Institute, but after everything that happened with the Summer Court and Alkahest, I don’t think I can work for the Institute. So I would like to offer my services on a Consultancy basis. I’ll still act as a field agent; I’ll still be just as useful, but I can’t allow myself to end up in another situation where what the Institute needs to do and what’s actually right are at odds.’

In the corridor outside, Merlin has alighted from the lift and is strolling past the conference room on his way to the Director’s office.

‘Carpenter, we can’t have consultants. The closest thing we have to a consultant is Stiletto Benevolent, a man we sacked and decided didn’t necessitate use of Modify Memory. And the reason we don’t have consultants is exactly the lack of accountability you’re referring to.’

Brynner tilts his head upwards, observing the tasteful lighting as he speaks. ‘The Caliber Institute cannot function if those in its employ are free to disregard any policies, orders, or consequences they find distasteful. We’d fall apart. Rules are, usually at least, established for a reason. You can’t just tell me you want the same role as before but with none of the responsibility. It’s like that Brexit debacle from a few years back.’

Ursa finds herself inspecting the lights as well. ‘Alright then. Thank you for seeing me,’ she says, and stands up.

Brynner blinks at her acquiescence. ‘Hm,’ he says. ‘I thought you’d push harder on that.’

‘What?’

There comes a sudden stillness of the air, as if Brynner’s office is an undisturbed mausoleum, or a disused airlock. Outside, the clouds above pause in their dilatory crossing of the sky. On the verdant top floor of Open Sky Capital, a hummingbird’s wingbeats slow down and halt entirely, just to really drive the point home.

Director Brynner rises from his desk in frozen time. Ursa, in turn, sits back down.

‘Look, Ursa,’ says the Director. ‘You were so good at playing your own game last time we had a meeting. Please, recognise when other people are doing the same?’

‘…Hello?’ says Ursa, looking at the frozen city outside and unable to think of much else to respond with.

‘You recently had a brush with Neutrality, did you not? In the lakes? I did receive a report from the site manager there, though I suspect it lacked a few key details,’ says Brynner. His tone is casual, but Ursa can see a trickle of what must be condensation running down the brass blankness of his face. On someone with skin and the ability to sweat, she’d have taken it as a painfully obvious sign of exertion.

‘It’s an incredibly difficult line to walk. Cosmic Neutrality, I mean,’ continues Brynner. ‘The Alignments are always watching. Or, not really watching, but reacting. “Watching” implies consciousness. There are very few places warded from their observations, and my office is not one of them. I’m humanity’s signatory of the Inside Accords, Ursa. And the Caliber Institute is an extension of my embodiment of that role. Hence the name.

‘If I were to express my feelings that having a “consultant” – as you put it – with fewer restrictions would be an incredibly useful tool in the Institute’s arsenal? The other alignments would absolutely react to that. We’d lose our Neutrality before you can say “knife”.’

Ursa nods. She understands where he’s going with this. ‘Won’t they react to this?’

‘We’re a little ways outside, erm, time right now. I’m going to sit back down and it’ll end. I actually can’t do it for very long anymore, not without my, ah, “full power” as it were. But I keep that to one side, so, yes.’

The air comes rushing back into regular motion. The clouds begin to move again, though it’s a bit hard to tell. The Open Sky Capital hummingbird flits onwards, passing the shoulder of the company’s CEO and earning a half-hearted swipe in its direction.

Ursa has jumped back to her feet. ‘Director, I will not take no for an answer!’ she shouts.

⁂

This confuses Merlin somewhat, as he waits just outside the door. Ursa’s voice sounded like a record skipping for just a moment. He isn’t trying to listen as he waits, but he does hear occasional snippets of discussion nonetheless.

‘…I mean, I’ll still be doing, like, hazardous work so that means hazard pay, right?’

‘…You wouldn’t have the same protections as a full employee; Morta would be unable to give you a prophecised end, for example.’

It seems to be going smoothly. Good.

Ursa waves at Merlin when she eventually emerges with a new contract and a start date in the following week. He gives her a thumbs up, and pokes his head around Brynner’s door.

‘Um, good afternoon, Director. Do you have a minute?’

Brynner gestures for him to come and have a seat, so Merlin closes the door behind him and explains a bit about his labyrinth trap proposal. The Director’s desk phone is a rotary one, but despite his Luddite tendencies – or possibly because of them and Merlin’s use of analogy – he seems quite keen on the idea.

‘The only thing, sir, is that I’d really like to get some outside expertise on dangerous artifacts like the bones. Is there anyone that might be able to offer any insights?’

‘You don’t have to call me “sir”, Williams. And other than Emva in R&D and Cimimi in the treasury, I’m not sure who else I’d suggest, internally. Externally, though? If you want information on dangerous magic I’d suggest setting up a meeting with Laniakea. Or at least one of those “Zoomer” calls.’

Merlin makes a quiet sort of choking sound. ‘I’ll ask about it,’ he says.

⁂

A day passes. It’s Saturday, late afternoon, just on the cusp of evening. Nora is visiting her sister, this time, at her semi-detached house complete with garden that’s only nine-and-a-half miles from the city centre. They’re drinking good red wine.

Nora herself has been up since 04:37AM, as she was attacked in her bed by two mid-sized wolves. Morris apologised profusely, but still she hadn’t gotten back to sleep afterwards. It was one of those days, apparently.

Ella laughs emphatically at some remark, having had quite a bit more wine than Nora. She wags her finger, having apparently remembered something.

‘Oh! Yes! Happy as I am to hear about you visiting a family barbecue, I have news! My start date at Open Sky got moved forward!’

The bottle of wine sits empty on the table between them, Ella sitting with her feet up on the sofa beside her. Nora still has her shoes on. ‘Oh really?’ she says, keeping her tone measured.

‘I’m starting this Monday! Honestly I’m a bit nervous, especially since I’m going straight to working directly for the CEO at a company I’ve barely even heard of before they poached me, ha. But pressure makes diamonds, as Dad used to say.’

Nora scoffs at the mention of their Father, despite her concerns.

Ella swirls the wine around in her glass, watching the legs run down into the rest of the liquid. ‘Got to be there at 09:30 on the dot for my “initiation”, according to the email. I think they meant to put “induction” and had a bit of a brain fart.’

The glass in Nora’s hand is more than half full. ‘Can I take a look?’ she asks, politely.

Ella, quite drunk, frowns in bemusement but passes over a tablet with the email on it. It does, indeed, say “initiation”. Nora taps the attached contract, and finding nothing immediately suspect, flashes on her Eldritch Sight.

Swirling arcane fine print is threaded all around the regular text, luminous green to her occult-occularis. It’s similar in many ways to her own contract at the Caliber Institute, with one somewhat alarming additional clause.

“Employee shall be inducted into the Outside world. Open Sky Capital is not responsible for Employee’s response to this new knowledge, and Employee consents to immediate termination if they take on the Mantle of the Auditor.”

With perhaps a bit more care than necessary, considering Ella’s current state of inebriation, Nora emails a copy of the contract to herself.

She makes her excuses and makes for the door, stopping only to ask Ella – quite earnestly, to a point that her sister would be worried had she been sober – to let her know how it goes on Monday.

⁂

Ursa has just finished filming a Get Ready With Me video and preparing for a night out at the same time, and found that she doesn’t actually need to leave for another hour.

Her brain won’t let her do anything else, because there’s an appointment later in the day. She scrolls through BlinkedIn for a few minutes before a thought pops into her head.

‘Hey, Mama!’ she says brightly, having spent the last twenty minutes with her thumb hovering over the call button. ‘I was actually wondering if I could speak to, uh, Kojak? I just wanted to ask a couple things.’

There’s dead air on the phone for a moment, and Ursa remembers to hold it a bit away from her ear so it doesn’t get all smudgy.

‘…Solya, he and I are the same person. He doesn’t know anything I don’t,’ says Sarolt. Presumably the pause was her stepping somewhere private.

‘Yeah, but he has his own… outlook, right? Like me with, uh, well…’ Ursa trails off. Her Mama has met Abadallion at least a hundred times, but still she struggles to articulate the difference between a Changeling mask and a persona when it’s her own mother she’s talking to.

Another pause. ‘Ah. Okay, but we’re midway through making dinner and I don’t trust your father not to make it too spicy.’

There’s a rustling, then another voice on the phone.

‘What is it you want to know?’ asks Kojak.

‘Well, firstly I wanted to say thank you for being, um, discrete in the report you sent to Brynner. But following on from that, I have a question about the whole, you know, imprisoned Angel business. About Myst.’

Kojak’s reply takes long enough that Ursa wonders if there’s a signal issue.

‘What exactly is it you’re looking to find out?’

Ursa’s front teeth worry at her bottom lip. At least she hasn’t put on any lipstick yet.

‘I just… I wanted to know how you know for certain that she was really responsible for, um, you know. The,’ and here she whispered, ‘Assassinations. We couldn’t get any confirmation out of her at the time, and I know she was pretty quick to try and kill us, but there’s just this nagging feeling I’m getting that—’

‘Orsolya, I’d rather not go into detail.’

‘—there’s more to it than that, I mean, what if she’s been framed? And what if whoever actually did it is still a threat? Yeah, she’s admitted it, you said, but—’

‘Orsolya—’

‘—what if that was a false confession and she—’

‘She was still covered in their… remains when we apprehended her.’

‘—only stayed in her cell because… oh.’

Kojak’s voice is not unkind. ‘Yes. It was a bit of a mess all round.’

‘…Did she say anything at the time?’

‘Only that she was acting in the interest of Life, which for an Angel is like saying “I woke up on Earth today”. Now if that’s everything, Sarolt is going to wrest the jar of chilli powder from your Father’s grip.’

‘Oh. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Kojak. Bye, Mama.’

Ursa hangs up with a phantom taste of toffee at the back of her tongue.

⁂

The Morris Worm’s shifting faces all wear a look of sheepish rue. ‘Actually, there was someone looking into you online a few weeks ago. I didn’t think much of it. They couldn’t get through me. So maybe they found your sister instead?’

Nora’s glare remains fixed on the monitor. She’d rushed home and immediately asked Morris if there was anything that could be done about Ella’s contract, and how Laniakea had even found her.

‘…And yes, I just checked now and it was Open Sky doing the looking,’ continues the Morris Worm. ‘I’m sorry?’

In the dark of the little home office, Nora does not let out a sigh. Morris was only trying to keep her safe. ‘You don’t have to apologise,’ she says. ‘But you do have to help me think of a solution. I can’t just tell her to skip the interview without a good reason, and the only “good” reason – that Laniakea is a literal Dragon – puts her in the exact same danger we want to prevent.’

Morris chooses its words with surprising care. ‘It might be possible to create a charm that would help her to… acclimatise? Rather than… reacting poorly?’

‘You mean rather than becoming an Auditor and dying.’

‘…Yes. I’d suggest using my Wish function but that won’t be operational for another three weeks at least.’

‘Hmm. What would the charm involve?’

‘I’ll need some time to run some models. And you’ll have to deliver it in person.’

‘Okay, yeah. I’ll… bring her a muffin before she goes in. It’ll be weird but worth it. Are you sure there’s no way to, you know, keep her away from all the Outside stuff completely?’

‘Nothing I can think of right now, but I’ll keep looking. Oh, and I should probably remind you, your hangout with Ursa is in twenty-five minutes. Don’t drink too much!’

⁂

The hangout is in a Mexican place that Ursa has assured her is “Really nice. Authentic!” Nora finds her already at a table, and having already ordered a big margarita pitcher. She pours them both a glass as Nora sits down slowly, keeping her coat on.

‘You’re doing it again,’ observes Ursa.

‘Doing what?’

‘Checking the exits.’

‘Oh. Yeah, it can be…’ she catches herself swivelling her chair a little to get a better angle. ‘Difficult to switch off.’

Ursa hands her a brimming glass – a FESTLIGHET, as Merlin might have pointed out, were he present – with a little lime wedge on its rim. ‘That’s why I ordered these,’ she says.

Before too long they’re talking. Nora is making a real effort not to answer in monosyllables and Ursa takes the opportunity to learn more about her friend. When their food arrives, Ursa has learned that Nora has a sister, and is trying to guess her name.

‘Is it… Bellamy?’

Nora pauses with a corncob in her hands just to give Ursa a scathing look. ‘No.’

‘Dashiell?’

‘What? No.’

‘Okay, I should go for something common. Uh. Charlie?’

‘No.’

‘Sam?’

‘Pfft, as if I’d be related to someone named Sam.’

Ursa eats a taco al pastor. Another jug of margarita arrives.

‘I actually mentioned my sister because it’s kind of on my mind. She’s got a job interview on Monday. For Laniakea.’

Ursa inhales a chunk of pineapple.

‘What? Why? How?’ she asks, when she recovers.

Nora is at this point pouring herself another drink. She shouldn’t have mentioned anything. ‘You know, it’s complicated? I shouldn’t have brought it up.’

‘Nora, you can’t just—I mean, I want to help. If I can? You’re my friend!’

Nora finishes her glass and helps herself to another. ‘Don’t worry about it.’

‘I’m not worried about it, I’m worried about you.’

‘Don’t worry about that either. Anyway this was nice, but it’s pretty late and I should be heading home.’

Ursa watches her sway a little bit. She’s a bit tipsy herself, but concern for one’s companions on a Girls Night tends to burn alcohol away quite rapidly. ‘I’ll ask for the bill. You’re, er, not planning on driving are you?’

‘I’ll walk.’

‘Do you live nearby?’

Nora fixes her with a natent gaze. ‘Wouldn’t you like to know.’

‘…Yes, Nora, I would. That’s why I’m asking.’

‘Nobody knows where I live, Ursa. Not even the Institute. Not even my own Mum’n’Dad. Not even the post office.’

‘…why?’

Nora seems unprepared for this line of questioning. She simply leaves the building.

⁂

It’s 01:33 A.M. Merlin has stayed up working on the concepts for the virtual labyrinth. It’s all come to him naturally, like he’s merely transcribing a melody he’d heard earlier in the day. Penelope, who needs even less sleep than Merlin apparently does, will begin setup of the trap as soon as she receives the schematics he’s just finished. He drafts an email, attaches the file, and hits send without any additional text or description. She’ll know what to do. She was excited about it.

There’s a knock at the door. Three sharp raps, not much space between. His flatmate Ben is out on the lash tonight, but if it were him at the door – having forgotten his key or something – it’d be less a knock and more an inebriated hammering.

Merlin hops down from his seat, giving up on theorising when there’s a simple solution present that offers a concrete answer: opening the door.

It’s his father.

‘Dad?’ asks Merlin. ‘What are you…?’

‘Heya, Sam. I was, ah, just in the neighborhood and I wanted to get your advice on something.’

‘At half one in the morning?’

‘Ah, yes, it’s important. Can you come with me to the depot? I can’t really explain until we get there.’

Merlin’s father is a bus mechanic. He doesn’t specify to Merlin that it’s the bus depot he’s referring to, because that would just be odd and unnecessary.

Merlin nods, and locks the door behind him. ‘Hold on, are we walking?’ he asks, when it becomes apparent that they are, indeed, walking.

His Dad nods this time.

‘But it’s forty minutes from here,’ says Merlin.

Another nod.

‘You didn’t even bring Tick.’

Tick is a mechanical dog his Dad built. Merlin doesn’t specify this because it would just be odd and unnecessary.

‘Hm? Oh, didn’t have time,’ says his Dad.

They continue to walk, slowly, in the direction of the bus depot. Both of them have short legs.

The depot is almost totally empty save for a number of sleeping buses. One, however, is some way away from the others, and its lights are on. The engine is running, ready to depart.

‘Dad, what’s going on?’ asks Merlin again.

His Dad approaches the bus. Its doors hiss open. He gets on. Merlin, lacking other options, follows. He idly notes as he does that it isn’t one of Middlemarch’s regular public transport buses, but instead a silver thing with tinted windows.

The man at the wheel is a twitchy sort, grinning at Merlin as he alights. Seated in various locations are a number of others, all regarding Merlin and his Dad with varying levels of glee.

Merlin realises they’re Demons. Half a second later, he realises the one closest to the back is Rembra, who’d tried to pin a bank robbery on him a few years back. She flashes him a peace sign.

His jaw begins to stiffen. ‘What is this?’

A Demon in a tailored grey suit and tie, grinning like a salesman, gestures towards Merlin’s father. ‘Alright, why don’t you explain?’ he says. Another demon, with long ginger hair and cat-eye glasses, rolls her eyes at him.

His father takes a breath. ‘Sam… these people have your mother.’

Merlin looks at the assembled Fiends. ‘How… dare you,’ he growls.

‘All we have to do is go with them for a job tonight and they’ll give her back, safe and sound. We even get a cut.’

‘How dare you,’ says Merlin again. He isn’t listening.

His hand comes up and his tattoos flash; arcing electricity crackles around his fingertips. One lightning bolt should be enough to put a hole through the ginger one’s chest and blow off Rembra’s fucking head for good measure. The big one at the back – she might not be a fiend, actually – clearly isn’t paying attention. Slow. The salesman is an unknown quantity, but if he summons a Shadowspawn he can keep the guy busy while he takes his Dad to a safe distance and blows up the bus behind him. Yes, there’s the driver, but—

His dad steps in between Merlin and the Demons. ‘Sam, please.’

Merlin looks into his Dad’s eyes. There’s real fear there, not for himself but for someone he loves. Merlin has never seen his father like this; usually his eyes have a gleam to them, as if he were seeing the world at a slightly higher resolution than everyone else. Or at least a twinkle, when he was being sarcastic.

His eyes are missing all of that now.

‘Alright,’ says Merlin. ‘Alright. What’s. The job.’

Caliber Bonus: 1987 – Alkahest, Kojak, and a Failed Coup

God, thought the Demon. This is an unnecessary number of stairs. Maybe I should have stayed on the ground floor and just… thrown a brick or something.

Alkahest, heavy case in one hand, reached the top of the bell tower of… it was a church, wasn’t it? A parish church. He was new enough to sentience – just about a year – that concepts like ‘buildings having names based on their function’ was still a bit confusing. Before then he’d just been a patch of shadow trying to kill things that wandered into it.

He was in a place called Stockport, which was in a place called Greater Manchester, which was in a place called England. England was in – wait, no, on a place called Earth, only there were literally thousands of other places called Earth. This was the Earth in the middle, though, so it was called the Fulcrum Earth.

Alkahest shook his head and opened his case. He’d had long enough to get his breath back. As he assembled the rifle, he wondered to himself what Panacea might do in his situation.

‘She’d already be on her way home,’ he said. ‘But! I am professional. I don’t need to make messy displays as long as I get the job done. And I certainly don’t need to kill every single human in a factory just to make sure I get who I came for.’

He looked through the rifle scope to the door of the factory below. His target and her entourage would be exiting soon. It was a fair distance, but there wasn’t much wind, and Alkahest had steady hands.

He just had to wait.

Just be patient.

Just wait.

There came a grumble from Alkahest’s stomach.

‘I am professional,’ said Alkahest again. ‘I get the job done. I’m also a Demon who doesn’t need to eat, and I would certainly never think of stepping away from my position to go and get some fries and gravy or something. Ground yourself in the moment. Focus on where you are.’

His stomach rumbled once again.

‘Because… they call them “chips” here, not fries, you know?’ He put down the rifle and got to his feet. ‘Okay, it’s… it’s fine, we just take a couple minutes to get somethin’ to eat, and we come straight back. If anything, waiting is making it worse.’

He practically flew down the stairs.

⁂

The “chips” were pretty good. They were just steak fries but with gravy on. He’d heard about something called “poutine” that you could get in Canada, which was the same thing but with cheese curds? That was definitely going on his list.

‘Can’t believe there was a time I didn’t have tastebuds,’ he said, wiping the last of the gravy from the polystyrene tray with a finger.

He went completely still when he’d popped it in his mouth.

The gravy, the fries… tasted big, somehow. It was almost like… the taste of a meal in a fancy restaurant when you know your partner is about to propose. Or, when you take a big gulp of wine and your nemesis tells you it’s been poisoned.

Alkahest got back to walking, but had stuck his tongue out in shock and disgust. He couldn’t get the taste of significance out of his mouth. Maybe he needed a drink? His pace quickened.

He needed to get back up–

The door of the church was ajar.

‘Oh, no,’ said Alkahest.

He dashed inside. The pews were the same dull brown, the stained glass windows still looked like shit, the stairway that led to the bell was still intact; nothing had changed.

Why did he have this taste of consequences in his mouth?

Tap, tap, tap, tap.

Someone was coming down the stairs. Alkahest closed his mouth and listened – slow steps, deliberate. One person. If it was just one person, Alkahest could probably take them.

Then again, if they were coming from the bell tower then they’d have found the rifle. Alkahest wasn’t so powerful a Demon that guns didn’t affect him, so the rifle could cause him some trouble if they brought it down with them. Most people, upon finding a loaded rifle on the ground, probably wouldn’t just leave it there.

Whoever it was, they sure were walking slow. He was going to miss the window for his target, at this rate.

Wait, was that the point?

‘Oh, no,’ he said again, as a man emerged from the stairwell.

He looked to be about a head taller than Alkahest was, in that lean, lanky sort of way. His eyes were covered by a pair of dark glasses, transition lenses, if Alkahest had to guess. One hand was in a pocket of his grey suit, and one held the scope from Alkahest’s rifle.

‘Azoth Alkahest,’ said the man. ‘My name is Anasios Kojak, with the Caliber Institute. I’m here to prevent you from assassinating the Prime Minister. The building is surrounded. I hope you enjoyed your chips.’

‘They were real nice,’ grinned Alkahest. ‘Hey, if I hadn’t gone for a snack you woulda snuck up behind me, huh? Funny, that.’

‘Hilarious. Are you going to leave quietly, or do you need to be persuaded?’

The door slammed shut behind Alkahest. So there really were more Caliber goons. Great.

‘How about instead,’ said Alkahest, retrieving a hand grenade from within his white leather jacket, ‘You give me back that scope and we head upstairs together? I’ll just blow Thatcher’s head off real quick, and after that we can do whatever. I’ll buy you a beer.’

Kojak adjusted his glasses, face totally impassive and inches away from Alkahest now. How had he moved so–

The grenade fell to the ground before Alkahest had chance to pull the pin, Kojak twisting him in a painful arm lock.

‘You are a Demon, Alkahest,’ Kojak hissed in his ear. ‘Even if you were born into it, you are a member of the Inside Accords. We do not interfere with the mundane.’

‘So what, you gonna ship me off to the gulag for deposing a tyrant?!’

‘She was democratically elected, you ignoramus. It isn’t like your Infernal Kings. Speaking of whom, what do you think they would do were they to hear about your little assassination attempt?’

‘They ain’t exactly my biggest fans regardless,’ said Alkahest, voice strained. ‘But I like to think they’d be a little scared they’re next, you know?’

‘Ridiculous. As if a pup like could even get close. And even if you did, the Institute would swoop down and you’d never see daylight again.’

Alkahest’s mouth opened wider, and the shadows inside it fully overtook his body. They billowed out of Kojak’s grip and bloomed up under a church pew, lifting it and throwing it right at him.

Kojak’s hand flashed, a knife appearing in it. He simply held it upright before him and the pew parted around its edge as if it were a tiny, razor-sharp Moses. Alkahest, in his shadow-form, took the opportunity to make a break for it, but Kojak was far too fast – a hand shot out and gripped him by the throat, shadows condensing into something much more humanoid again.

The Demon was thrown across the room, slamming into a stone column with an audible crunch. Alkahest coughed up blood. He’d never had blood before. It didn’t taste too important.

‘By all rights, I should end you now,’ said Kojak, standing over where Alkahest had slumped down to the floor. ‘Remove you as a threat before you get the chance to really become one.’

He seemed to be talking more to himself than to Alkahest. ‘However,’ he continued. ‘I’d prefer to live my life assuming people can change for the better. So I’m going to let you go.’

Alkahest spat bravado at his feet. ‘…You’ll come to regret that.’

‘Maybe,’ agreed Kojak. ‘But I’ll sleep tonight. Let’s compromise.’

His boot came down on Alkahest’s ribs.

Caliber Session 18: The Morris Server

[Here I’ll try to condense about seven hours of game time from literally six months ago into a recap. I’m working on other things at the moment too, so it will not be to the standard of the recaps. One day I hope to return and punch it up a bit.]

The barbecue fizzled out after Sarolt left, and everyone retired to where they were staying after making their goodbyes. Imrus reassured his daughter that her Mother’s departure wasn’t a big deal, and that he didn’t have any problems with her working for the Caliber Institute, it was just that her Mother worried for her safety.

‘Well, everyone, thanks for coming,’ said Ursa, a little shakily. ‘Thanks for the pie, Merlin.’

‘Don’t mention it. My Mother will be very pleased that her suggestion went down well.’

Ursa gave a hollow laugh. ‘We’ll need to meet Merlin’s parents next!’ she said to the group in general.

‘…No,’ said Merlin.

‘Oh. Uh, Nora’s parents?’

Nora shook her head. ‘Not gonna happen.’

There was a pause.

‘I don’t have parents!’ said Alkahest, brightly. He was still holding a burger.

‘We can make you some,’ said Merlin, darkly.

Everyone looked at him. ‘What?’ said Nora.

‘Yeah, Merlin, I…’ said Alkahest. ‘Was that a threat? I—I don’t really know how to respond to that?’

[Even Adam, Melrin’s player, did not know what that was supposed to mean. We all laughed for a long time.]

The next day, Merlin took the fingerbone to the Institute’s containment facility, an imposing Brutalist block a mile or so just outside of anywhere reasonable. To the casual observer, it might have been a factory, or a multi-story-car-park with no on ramp. There was a fence ensconcing it within a tarmac wasteland of about four acres.

Merlin approached with the casual confidence of one on orders from their boss, and thus immune to criticism. He’d agreed he’d get his colleagues in, at Nora’s insistence. She framed it as “covering him, just in case”. Merlin assumed she just wanted to have a nosey around, which was technically true. It was just that she’d be noseying with intent.

Ursa had arrived at the same time as Nora, with Alkahest dropping her off. He was planning to track down a few things to eat while Ursa was busy; special mention going to a place that just sold gingerbread. He’d been talking about it for roughly half an hour before they arrived.

Inside the facility – after going through multiple ID checks on the other side of an intercom – Merlin, Ursa, and Nora were introduced to Anasios Kojak, a semi-retired former field agent who now worked as the site’s manager. He was a tall man, in a long-limbed sort of way that would’ve seemed gangly if each arm and leg hadn’t the coiled tension of a fresh-strung longbow. On his nose was a small pair of dark glasses, the adaptive lenses slowly drifting back towards clear as he approached them.

He wasn’t supposed to be their point of contact, but the facility had apparently grown increasingly shortstaffed over the past few months. True enough, they stood in the lobby by an unmanned reception desk, and neither the stairs up to the offices above nor the path to the side that led towards the stacks of containment units had anyone traversing them at all.

‘So. Merlin, I will escort you to the unit we’ve prepared for the relic you’ve brought. Along that way you can brief me on any special features that we may have forgotten to account for. Nora and S–‘ He paused abruptly. ‘Sorry. I didn’t catch your name.’

‘Ursa,’ provided Ursa.

‘Nora and Ursa, you’ll wait here. We shan’t be very long, I expect.’

With that, he and Merlin went off into the facility proper. They came to a lift, and Kojak punched the down button.

As the lift doors closed, Nora promptly swivelled on the spot and began walking. The silver wire in her chest stretched off down the corridor, past the lift, deeper into the compound. She wasn’t going to stand around, was she, not when she was this close.

Ursa went with her, because standing around in a corridor was not her idea of a fun day, and she had to ensure that her day was as pleasant as possible after the one before it. By all rights she should have been off eating gingerbread, really.

As it was, she followed after an increasingly tense Nora, who was moving as if she were in an egg-and-spoon race while surrounded by those dinosaurs from Land Before Time II.

Eventually, though, the wire led her to a door.

⁂

Elsewhere in the facility, Kojak and Merlin emerged from a lift, and made their way to a door of their own.

Kojak adjusted his glasses, the lenses shifting from clear to a sort of bluish hue. ‘You’re contaminated,’ he told the Gnome. ‘Or, rather, something is trying to influence you.’

Merlin didn’t particularly want to talk about anything other than the containment of the fingerbone, but there was no way he could ignore a comment like that. ‘What do you mean?’

‘It just looks as though something has been trying to affect your emotions. Perhaps the bone you’re carrying. Have you found yourself more… volatile than usual, recently? Emotional? Prone to violence?’

Merlin wanted to punch him in the testicles. ‘No,’ he said.

‘Good,’ said Kojak. ‘You’re resisting it, then. But keep an eye out. It could be that whatever is causing it might resort to more… obvious techniques.’

Merlin thought back to his encounter on the train and said nothing.

They threw the fingerbone into a room containing a blank, white expanse sort of like in The Matrix. Very, very slowly, it began to unfurl. Kojak closed the door.

‘If it does grow into a full labyrinth, that room will still keep it enclosed. We’ll keep the main branch informed. Now, I’d like to get back to your colleagues before they find any trouble.’

⁂

Nora didn’t enter the door. It would have been locked, anyway. There was a little window, and she could just about see some blinking lights in the dark beyond it.

Instead of stopping, she kept walking past with Ursa trying to make conversation at her heels, then used her new Jacket of the Mountebank to teleport inside.

Ursa of course, seeing her friend just disappear, panicked a little bit.

The Morris Server was a huge behemoth of a supercomputer, the kind you’d use to plan out a war in the late ’50s. There were racks and racks of wires and blinking lights; in a more logical installation there’d be space to walk between them, but here it was simply a tangle of shelves and massive thick cables with no regard for anything that existed in the physical world.

Except for Nora, of course.

The whole thing began to writhe and shift, eventually opening out to something much more understandable. A large user interface section slammed into place on one side, with a dizzying array of slots and punch cards.

The Morris Worm spoke with glee in its voice.

‘Nora! I can’t believe you’re really here!!’

‘Hi, Morris, it’s—what is all this?’

A flicker. The voice suddenly had a point of origin. ‘It’s me, Nora!’ A silhouette had appeared, grey and nondescript. It smiled despite its lack of a face.

‘It’s your… body, you mean?’ said Nora, carefully.

‘Not exactly. It’s more like… the shell of a snail, I suppose. But I’m so happy to see you! You—you even brought your friends!’

Nora didn’t like that tone. The Morris Worm had a bit of a jealous streak, which only seemed to be growing. She supposed it was only natural; it had been just it and her for quite a time until now. ‘”Friends” is a strong word,’ she began.

‘Anyway!’ the Morris Worm was saying. ‘Look, I’ve added functionality for you to physically run programs!’ It indicated the punch cards. ‘And that’s what the wire is for! If you concentrate, you should be able to travel down it. Your soul should, I mean. And then you’ll be able to use whatever cards you need!’

‘That’s—thank you, Morris,’ said Nora. ‘You know, I realise I’ve been really busy recently; it’s been a while since you and I have time to just hang out together, you know?’

The Morris Worm didn’t seem to hear her attempt at placating. Whatever manic energy was carrying it just continued to rush forward.

‘I’ll show you what I can do! What you can do, I mean!’ The Worm began to scoop up great heaving armfuls of punch cards. ‘I can summon things for you – like with the frog earlier, sorry – and if you travel down here on the wire you’ll even be able to cast Wish. Though it uses up about a month’s worth of power, haha.’

It slotted a random selection of cards into slots, and then pulled a lever in full-on-Frankensteinian rapture.

⁂

Outside, in the corridor, Ursa had figured out which room had claimed Nora, and been knocking at the door for a time. Nora couldn’t hear; apparently the thing was soundproofed. But Ursa saw – quite of its own accord – the lever on the punch card machine drop. Static energy buoyed her hair.

She turned to see a black, glutinous lahar bleed out of a hole in reality, before congealing into a decaying monster covered in eyestalks, with one yellowed, sightless cataract in its very center, focused intently on her.

It was an undead Beholder, not that Ursa was concerned with taxonomy for now.

Another had appeared before Merlin as he’d emerged from the lift on the way back. His first reaction was to lob a Firebolt at it, as if testing the waters.

The flame ignited one of the eyestalks, and the thing shrieked before turning to float at speed down the side corridor.

‘–I repeat, we have a breach,’ Kojak was saying into an intercom panel on the nearby wall. Then he sprinted after the Beholder, without even a word to Merlin. Merlin took off after him.

⁂

‘Oh dear,’ said the Morris Worm, perhaps a bit theatrically. Nora couldn’t quite tell if it was genuine.

‘What did you just do?’ she asked.

‘I might have… summoned things. Hostile things. Where your other two friends are.’

‘What! Morris, why?’

The Morris Worm pulled a card. ‘I put this in the wrong slot. I was trying to show you how you can Wish for anything. You can change reality itself!’

‘I don’t want to change reality! Not like that, anyway!’

‘—I thought you’d like it. I was only trying to–‘

‘No, I know, Morris. I’ll… we’ll talk again just as soon as I sort this out.’

Nora bolted from the room, pistol drawn. She saw Ursa blasting some sort of auditory-whisper-magic at a decrepit eyeball monster on the one side, with another of them screaming down the corridor towards them with Kojak and Merlin in hot pursuit.

In the ensuing fight, the four of them pursued the beholders through the facility’s corridors, with Merlin summoning up a terrible-shadow-beast, Nora firing Eldritch Blasts left and right, and Ursa actually resorting to combat magic since her usual incapacitation spells seemed inadequate.

Kojak produced a plain combat knife – the kind with serration on one side of the base of the blade – and hurled himself at the monsters with the speed and power of a man in his absolute prime. Whatever beams of force the beholders were firing frequently knocked him away.

Nora, Merlin, and Ursa were all hit with paralysis beams, and left behind as Kojak sprinted off ahead. They followed as soon as they recovered, though the beholders had apparently made quite a bit of distance. They would have lost them entirely, but luckily for them there was a trail of blood droplets that must have been from Kojak. It was less lucky for him.

Kojak’s trail came to a larger room with what appeared to be a steel bunker squatting in the middle. The door was conspicuously open.

‘What is that?’ panted Ursa.

‘A cell,’ said Merlin, tersely. ‘From the looks of things.’

The cell within was sterile steel. It was more than bright enough to see – maybe a bit too bright – but had no visible light source. Actually, there were no features at all save four heavy black chains attached to the walls. These trailed down towards an Angel, knelt in the center of the floor.

Two chains were attached to manacles on her wrists. Two were attached to loops pierced in the tips of her wings, which were spread wide like an anatomical diagram. There were more wings, too, sprouting from the back of her head. These were folded over her eyes like a blindfold.

Kojak was in here too, holding on with his knife buried in the side of one of the beholders. It bounced around the room trying to buck him off.

The others quickly moved to support him, and in the melee the beholder was destroyed with the distinct pop of a dismissed summoning.

The Angel began to stir.

Kojak, bloodied and panting, backed away. ‘Move,’ he commanded.

Ursa approached him. ‘You can barely stand; let me heal your–‘

‘We have to get out of here right now.’

One of the chains had been sheared through by the beholder’s disintegration beam. The Angel’s wing folded in, flexed, and then sheared through the chain connected to her hand on the same side. This hand clamped onto the opposite manacle, which deliquesced into slag beneath her grip.

The door slammed shut behind them, and Merlin cast an Arcane Lock on it just as the second beholder crested the top of the cell and began firing death rays at them. There was a distinct boom from the other side of the cell door. Something – the Angel, obviously – was hammering on it.

They fought the second beholder, and through some impressive work from Merlin’s Shadowspawn, they brought it down. All the while, the cell door began to buckle.

Nora just barely got out of the way when it exploded outwards. The Angel emerged, wings still over her eyes. She gave them a slight bow, then, with a beat of the wings on her back, launched into the air.

Ursa was fast enough to catch her with a Hold Person, but after a few tense seconds of her fighting the spell, she crashed up and out of the facility, destroying a wall and most of the ceiling in the process.

‘Outside, now!!’ commanded Kojak. ‘We have to get after her!’

‘You can barely walk!’ said Ursa, rushing over with healing magic.

‘That wasn’t a request, Solya,’ said Kojak. Then, seeing Ursa’s expression, he said, ‘Shit.’

‘—Mama?’

‘We’ll—talk about this later. Please, this is more important than you could know.’

The four of them made their way outside. Occasional other employees, wearing cleanroom coats, were making sure all the containment rooms remained shut; all the while alarms blared overhead.

Outside, the Angel floated above the empty car park. She appeared to be enjoying the taste of the fresh air.

‘Who is that?’ asked Merlin.

Kojak had his knife out. ‘Mysterioso Pizzicato. Myst. The Institute’s policy of staying out of things, of empowering other factions to keep one another in check as opposed to acting themselves? Well, that wasn’t always the case. It used to be that we’d… well, “remove threats to the balance”. And six months ago we went back to the old approach again, just to bring her in, because nobody else could. She’s—she’s a big deal.’

‘Are we talking Laniakea big deal?’

‘Bigger.’

Merlin paled a bit, which due to his already pallid complexion rendered him near-transparent. ‘Like… Laniakea and Mr. Pyrite? Together?’

‘Yeah, if the two of those were to work together they might be able to stop her.’

‘How did you get her the first time?’ asked Nora.

‘With help. With a lot of help. The Director himself had to take to the field, and even then it was a close call.’

They all took this in silence, apart from Merlin. ‘Hold on, Brynner is on the same level as two ancient Dragons?!’

‘After a fashion,’ said Kojak. ‘When necessary. And it was absolutely necessary. She was responsible for the… major disruption of certain hierarchies. Namely, the assassination of both Infernal Kings. But that,’ he added, seeing Ursa’s eyes go wide, ‘is a strict secret. It cannot go beyond us.’

‘Are you certain it was her?’ asked Ursa.

‘She admitted to it herself.’

‘Okay, but… if that’s true, then I have to warn Alkahest. I know you said it was a secret but–‘

‘You are not to tell your boyfriend, Orsolya. Absolutely not. Under no circumstances.’

‘But if she’s going to go after whoever’s in charge…! That’s what he’s working towards, well, not being the king but making things more equal…’

‘Either way. You are not to speak of it.’ He pulled a little toffee out of his pocket. ‘Eat this.’

‘That’s obviously suspicious,’ said Ursa. ‘It’s going to erase it from my brain or something.’

‘It will not erase it from your brain. That would invalidate me even telling you, and I told you in an attempt to keep you safe. Eat it.’

Ursa took it reluctantly. ‘This is taking a lot of trust from me!’ she said. ‘I hope you realise that. And it goes a bit of the way to mending our relationship.’

‘Solya… Ursa. I am your mother. All I want is to keep you safe.’

Ursa unwrapped it and put it in her mouth.

‘And I’m very sorry, especially considering what you just said,’ continued Kojak. ‘But I keep my work life and my home life meticulously distinct.’

With the sugar and magic of the toffee dissolving on Ursa’s tongue, Kojak cast Geas. He commanded: ‘You are not to speak a word of what you know about the Angel Myst to Azoth Alkahest.’

If the spell took hold, it would last for a year and a day. But something in Ursa’s shame and rage at the betrayal meant the spell did not take hold. Though Kojak didn’t know that, because he didn’t technically cast it himself.

Ursa spat the toffee out.

‘It still takes effect, Ursa.’ Kojak’s voice was not unkind. ‘I hope you’ll forgive me at some point. But this is too important.’

‘Let’s just do what we can to stop her.’

Myst was scanning the horizon, and appeared to be coming to a decision.

As this was going on, Nora had shot her mind down the silver wire to meet with the Morris Worm again.

‘Yeah, did you mean for this to happen?’ she asked it.

‘Oh, hello! Mean for what?’

‘There’s an Angel.’

‘Did something escape?’

Nora couldn’t tell if the Worm’s reaction was genuine. The surprise in its tone seemed real, but she didn’t know if it was surprise at its own success or surprise that anything had happened at all.

‘If there’s trouble… you could use the machine!’ said Morris, eagerly. ‘You could summon something to help stop it! Or you could even use Wish!’

Nora said nothing, instead travelling mentally back through the wire and into her body again.

Kojak was staring at her down his coloured glasses, like he’d just seen her come back into herself. But rather than asking her about it, he called up to the Angel.

‘Myst! I’m giving you one chance to come back down here! Surely Life would prefer you to stay contained if you’re still here after this long!’

Myst said nothing.

‘Alright,’ said Kojak. ‘Let’s hope she’s out of practice.’

He flashed upwards, knife in hand. Suddenly he had a fistful of her hair, and plunged the blade into her neck like Merlin stabbing an old woman.

Myst flexed her wing. Kojak crashed down like a meteor to the concrete.

The Angel spun in the air, and began to sink, alighting before Ursa, Merlin, and Nora. There was no sound at all as she moved.

‘Hi!’ said Ursa. ‘I just wanted to ask, did you really murder the Infernal Kings?’

‘Ursa!’ hissed Merlin. ‘This isn’t the time for that!’

‘I just thought now was the only opportunity we’d get,’ said Ursa, a little bruised. ‘I mean it is important. Not just to me, I don’t have a personal stake or anything…’

Myst, though, actually turned to face Nora. ‘You are tied to something here,’ she said, in a voice like a candle going out.

‘What’s it to you?’ asked Nora.

The Angel looked down the silver line in Nora’s chest. ‘You are a part of the Institute as well.’

‘Again, what’s it to you?’

The Angel’s wing arced down like a guillotine. Nora was ready to throw herself back, and realised – just in time, too – that Myst wasn’t aiming for her, she was aiming to cut the silver wire. The wire that, should it be damaged, would cause enough magical feedback to burn out her soul.

Instead Nora leapt forward, the bladed feathers making a gash in the concrete where the wire had been. Myst followed her with wing-covered eyes, and smiled. ‘You may become a problem down the line,’ she said.

A pink blur interposed itself between them. Ursa stood, blocking Nora from the Angel’s view. There was a sound like an oven being opened, as Merlin conjured up a shadowblade.

Nora, though, still wanted answers. ‘Speak to me. And maybe we can help each other. Why is me being connected to the server and working for the Institute an issue?’

‘I have been contained here for longer than Life would prefer,’ said the Angel, still smiling. ‘And I suspect the Institute would use you to pursue me, if you are tied to such a power. So I doubt you would help me, even if our goals are aligned.’

‘If our goals are aligned then why would I–‘

‘You are an employee of theirs. You wouldn’t have a choice.’

‘I’m not doing that now, though, am I? We’re just talking here.’

‘Then move,’ she said.

Nora leapt back down the wire. ‘Morris!’ she called. ‘Do you swear you didn’t do this on purpose? It’s not one of those messy things you do for fun?!’

‘I swear! I swear on—on our friendship! If I’m lying then you never have to speak with me again! I was excited to see you, and I was trying to impress you, and I fucked up, okay?’

Nora tried to think. ‘Do you have a way of confirming if the Angel Myst really did kill the Infernal Kings? If she’s as dangerous as they say she is?’

‘I… I don’t know,’ said the Morris Worm. It stared at a rack of lights, which were all rapidly blinking as if accessing a hard drive. ‘That’s what the Institute records say? That’s heavily encrypted. I can’t find any other mention of her online?’

‘…Okay. I may be back again in a minute.’

Back in her body, Nora saw Myst step forward. Her wings were raised, and glowing, and very, very sharp.

Ursa pulled on all the magic left in her, and cast Suggestion.

‘Stop!!’ she screamed.

The spell just glanced off, doing nothing. The wings came down.

And Kojak skidded up to Ursa’s side, and his hand crashed down onto her shoulder as he invoked the alignment of Neutrality.

There have been several points where the alignment of our protagonists – their cosmic ones, Life, Death, Order, or Chaos – have shifted. These alignments are powers more vast and nebulous than anything else in our story. They’re what lies waiting at the end of the infinite line of worlds around the Fulcrum. The termination point, if you will.

Neutrality, then, is something else. It’s the alignment lurking at the exact center of the other four. It’s balance. And if all other factors are totally, perfectly balanced, what does any conflict come down to?

It comes down to will.

Ursa was clenching her jaw so hard she feared her teeth would crack. If Myst’s wings came down, that was it; her friends, her Mama, gone. And after that, maybe not today but down the line, Myst would come for Alkahest too.

Myst stopped.

Kojak’s grip was shaking. ‘Do whatever you’re going to do now, I can’t keep this up for–‘

‘I was just trying to stop her, I didn’t have a plan for after–‘

Nora took in a breath. ‘Kojak. Does she really need to be re-imprisoned?’

‘There’s no way for us to do that, our only goal now is survival.’

‘Then I’m going to cast Wish.’

Her mind went down the wire again, and Morris already knew. ‘What do you wish for?’ it asked.

‘I don’t know if she really did what they think she did. So I don’t want to just wish her out of existence. That’s not a power I want to wield. Even this isn’t a—okay, I want Myst—the Angel, Mysterioso Pizzicato, to be re-imprisoned securely in the same location, circumstances, and exact manner she was twenty-four hours prior, and for all restraints and imprisonment techniques to be similarly reinstated.’

‘Done,’ said the Morris Worm. A tidal wave of punch cards swept up and began slotting themselves into the machine. The whirring of the machine grew faster, and faster, and faster.

Back outside, Myst was no longer free. There wasn’t a flash, a sound, nothing.

‘What did you just do?!’ asked Ursa.

⁂

Myst’s cell was intact once more. They were able to check on her, see the chains back in place, see the walls that now had never been broken.

Kojak took them up to the office, and locked the door.

‘Nora… can you tell us all what happened there? Where your consciousness went, and how you did that?’

‘You noticed that, then,’ said Nora.

Kojak adjusted his glasses.

And Nora told them. She told them about her first encounter with the Morris Worm. She told them about the wire, and the server it was connected to. She told them about her Wish.

‘I’m not going to be reporting this,’ Kojak announced. ‘Not just to cover up the escape, though. There wouldn’t be a way for me to explain the day’s events without implicating Nora. And I believe that, like the knowledge of Myst’s reason for being here, if that information were to spread it would put you in danger.

‘…Don’t think of the Caliber Institute as “the good guys”. They’d probably throw you in a cell like Myst’s if they ever found out.’

‘How do you know the other staff here won’t tell anyone?’ asked Merlin.

‘They won’t.’

Ursa wondered just how many Geas toffees he had in his pockets.

Kojak got to his feet. ‘I don’t want this to get out and make life more dangerous for any of you. I’m not having that. The Institute already got years of my life, I won’t—I never wanted that for you.’ This last part was to Ursa. ‘Sarolt never wanted that for you.’

He escorted them to the door. ‘I have paperwork to do,’ he told them. ‘We almost had a breach, after all. That part does need to be reported.’

‘…Can I talk to Mama?’ asked Ursa, on the threshold.

Kojak paused. ‘Do you two mind?’ he asked of Merlin and Nora.

When they didn’t he went with Ursa over to her mother’s car. She hadn’t seen it on the way in, but had just been sat there all along. ‘Huh,’ said Ursa.

When she got in the passenger side, it was Sarolt in the driver’s seat.

‘What is it, Solya?’

‘I—I’m sorry about what happened yesterday. Calling you, uh, a hypocrite. I didn’t realise you had such a terrifying job.’

‘Solya, I get it. I… used to be the same with my own mother.’

Ursa seemed to make up her mind about something. ‘I’m really mad at you, but I’m also glad you’re not dead,’ she said. ‘I really thought that was what you were doing when you put your hand on my shoulder back there.’

‘To tell you the truth,’ said her mother, ‘I thought the same thing. You know our family is more important to me than anything. You are more important to me than anything. I have to keep you safe, no matter the cost.’

Before Ursa could reply, though, she continued. ‘But I’ve learned today that you’re a lot more capable than I’d assumed. I hadn’t realised until now how grown-up you are.’

‘Thanks, Mama.’

‘I do think you should quit your job at the Institute, though.’

‘I already did, Mama.’

‘Oh!’

‘I’ve been thinking of applying to work there as a consultant instead, though.’

‘Oh.’

‘I’ll call you at the weekend,’ said Ursa. ‘Don’t die before then. But I am still mad at you.’

After that, Nora wanted a word with Kojak and Merlin left for the B&B he was staying at. Before he got away though, he got his own comment from Kojak:

‘Remember what we talked about before all this went down,’ he said. ‘Try to keep your head.’

Merlin left with his head full of thoughts about how everything around him seemed much bigger and more powerful than he’d realised. They weren’t pleasant thoughts.

When Nora sat down alone with Kojak in Sarolt’s car, she told him everything – actually everything, about the Morris Worm’s jealousy, and about sending off Merlin’s information to whatever made the bones, and about its predilection for messing with the Institute’s computers. She left her watch on the floor outside the car, and willed the silvery connection in her chest to close.

‘…And I just wanted to tell you the whole story because, uh…’ she finished without finishing.

‘Well,’ said Kojak, weighing up what he’d been told. ‘I don’t think you should tell the Institute, obviously. I don’t think you should tell Merlin, either because if what I suspect is happening to him is happening, he may try to kill you.’

‘That’s fair.’

‘As for the Morris Worm… I can’t help but see it as a child. It just knows that it wants something, or it thinks that you want something, and it doesn’t think about the consequences. And that could end up really bad for you.’

‘Yeah,’ said Nora. She swallowed. ‘Look, uh. I wanted to thank you; nobody’s ever really stuck their neck out for me like you have today.’

‘That’s just because I feel I have a responsibility to help you. And not just because you’re friends with my daughter. So no thanks are necessary.’

As she climbed out of the car, she thought about how Kojak hadn’t said anything one way or another about telling Ursa. Sarolt probably would want her to? Probably. Kojak, though, was decidedly neutral, despite knowing Sarolt’s feelings.

‘…You okay, Nora?’ asked Ursa, tentatively, when she rejoined her.

‘Yeah.’

‘I know you don’t like to talk about stuff, but if you want to talk about stuff… I’m literally always here for you.’

‘…Thanks.’

It was awkward.

Nora cleared her throat. ‘Maybe… when are you headed back to Middlemarch?’

‘We’re headed back Monday?’

Now Nora stared furiously at the ground. ‘Maybe we could go get a drink at some point, just the two of us?’

‘Yeah, I’d love to! That’d be amazing!’

‘Cool.’

Despite the awkwardness, Nora stuck around for long enough to make sure Ursa was picked up safely. When she drove home, she actually stuck to the speed limit.

Caliber Session 17: Carpenter Family Barbecue

The metal fingers of Director Brynner’s left hand drummed on his desk, each of which seemed to be tuned to a different note on a pentatonic scale. The result was a pleasant little jingle that somewhat compromised the frustration usually conveyed by the gesture.

Knowing Brynner, it was almost certainly intentional.

His turquoise-light eyes drifted between the two Institute employees before him. He had, forced by habit, set out a third chair that sat unoccupied. Neither Merlin nor Nora had commented upon it, each sitting on either side.

‘Let me preface this,’ he began, fingers now still, ‘by saying that I’m extremely pleased that the two of you are working together with renewed vigour. Considering our earlier concerns regarding inter-party tension, it’s extremely heartening to see your efforts at a congenial working relationship. Especially considering the recent… tricimation of your team.

‘However, that missing third member and your actions in the wake of her departure do need to be addressed. That is the reason we are here, as I’m sure you’re both aware.’

Nora leaned back in her seat. The fact she’d sat down at all was evidence enough she was taking this seriously. Beside her – beyond the one-chair-buffer – Merlin had actually taken off his beanie.

‘Officially,’ said Brynner, with great emphasis, ‘The two of you are to be taken off field work until further notice. We cannot have our employees disobeying direct orders and storming off the Fulcrum to gatecrash a Summer Court trial. We’ve been able to avoid a major political incident thanks mostly to the surprising benevolence of Queen Titania; when I met with her to discuss restitution, she was in remarkably good spirits thanks to some new divertissement. But the Institute must be seen to be taking action.’

He held up his hands. ‘That is, officially. Unofficially, I’m extremely proud of your actions. It’s true that the Inside Accords can be an uncomfortable yoke at times for anyone, but for us? That my own signature represents this world; a world which, for the most part, did not consent to or even know about my leadership? It necessitates my neutrality even more so than any other member of the accords.’

Nora and Merlin watched the Director stare out at the city for a moment before he continued. ‘Perhaps I’ll speak to you both about Neutrality soon. Regardless, it would be hypocrisy to punish you for not obeying orders that I’d hoped you would ignore.

‘As such, yes, you are being taken off fieldwork. But I don’t want either of you to think you are in the proverbial doghouse. Williams, I actually have a specific assignment for you that coincides with our timeline quite perfectly.’

Merlin shifted in his chair. He’d been debating asking if this on-paper-punishment would affect his soon-to-be-increased pay for the Institute access to BlinkedIn, but if he was still being given work it was probably fine.

‘I’d like you to take a fingerbone from the Labyrinth Bones you’ve been working on to a containment facility we run in the Lake District, for further study on how they might work when separated. Emva has already been briefed on preparing a reliquary for transport. I’d like you to take it personally so you’re better able to give any answers the staff there might have regarding its isolation.’

The Gnome nodded. It might actually be an interesting field trip, particularly if he’d get to see the methods employed by the Institute for the containment of dangerous magic.

‘As for you, Helton…’ The Director sounded weary. ‘How much of your annual leave have you taken so far this year?’

Nora’s brow grew heavy the weight of calculation. ‘None,’ she said.

‘Quite. Helton, as the most senior member of the team, you will – again, officially – bear most of the brunt of culpability. I would suggest you use some of your holidays.’

With that, the two got up to leave. Brynner made a little ahem as they reached the door. ‘Just to reiterate. Not a word of this to anyone. And… before you go, would you both please head down to the treasury to use the tokens you were giving? It’s just that you haven’t been yet and Cimimi’s getting nervous. Well, more nervous.’

⁂

The Caliber Institute’s treasury was another of those impossible spaces below the building. Rather than access via the lift, as with Morta’s prophecy chamber, there was a spiralling stone staircase that drilled chthonian from behind a nondescript door on the building’s third floor.

There was an incongruous platform stair lift at its bottom.

The treasury itself was a massive dark room piled high with gold, gems, and assorted valuables. A path had been cleared – possibly with a snowplough – which wound inbetween the piles like a Scalextric track.

‘Hello?’ called Merlin.

‘Oh, oh, one sec!’ replied a timorous voice from behind a large pile of gleaming swords.

A woman appeared. Her body appeared to be made of a sort of animated liquid gold, which was emerging like a jack-in-a-box from a wooden treasure chest. She was using a wheelchair on account of her lack of legs; a sleek carbon black one that was less a chair and more a modern frame that the chest was strapped into.

She wore an extremely comfy-looking jumper, but didn’t seem particularly comfortable at all.

‘H-hello! I’m Cimimi! I maintain the treasury down here! You must be Merlin and Nora; I’ve been wondering when you’d come to use your tokens! What’re you in the market for?!’

She punctuated this by punching the air. Her eyes darted back and forth between them. Her jaw was very tense.

‘Uh… are you feeling quite alright?’ asked Merlin.

Cimimi’s thumb still protruded. ‘Oh, well, uh, Nora? I–‘

‘Merlin,’ said Merlin.

‘Oh! Yes of course, Merlin. Uh. Well, uh, Merlin, I am A-ok! It can sometimes be a little stressful working down here if any of the items are having a bit of a grumpy day. But, that’s why it’s my job! It all sees me as, uh, part of the same team! Team Treasure!’

This had Nora loosening her jacket for easier-firearm-retrieval. ‘Is the stuff down here dangerous then?’ she asked.

‘Well, Merlin–‘

‘Nora.’

‘Well, Nora, it can be fussy, but all the really dangerous stuff gets sent to the lakes. Most things here – swords and such – don’t have the facility to swing at you. Well, some of them do, but mostly they just use the ambient magic here to twist things around a bit. Like, uh…’

She went over to a cabinet half-snowbound in a pile of coins (goldbound). It contained an array of jewelry, mostly rings and necklaces. Cimimi held up an index card that had been slotted in before one such ring.

‘Like this!’ she said. ‘This here is a Ring of Glaciscalptura. It will turn the wearer’s body into ice over the course of eight hours. But look what it’s done to my label!’

The card read ring of cool people. not danjerous.

‘I just wish they’d have a bit more respect for my intelligence,’ added Cimimi, shoulders all aslump. ‘It isn’t even capitalised.’

In the end, Merlin left with a Ring of Free Action, while Nora took a Cape of the Mountebank that Cimimi was able to sweetly coax into becoming a black jacket. They handed over their tokens, which Cimimi simply dropped with a clink in the bottom of her chest.

⁂

‘So… how are things at the Institute? You didn’t get in trouble, did you?’

Ursa had invited Merlin and Nora out to a ramen place she knew. She’d selected it based on A, its good, authentic ramen, B, its casual bench-based layout, and C, its prices being quite reasonable for someone who recently quit their job so they could go to trial on another world.

There was a length of silence that tried to pass itself off as the slurping of noodles, but wasn’t fooling anyone. It wasn’t that Merlin or Nora were feeling awkward, it was just that holding a bowl to your face offers time to word a response in your head.

Merlin put his down first, moustache glistening with tonkotsu. ‘We’re in a great deal of trouble,’ he began, before seeing Ursa’s dismay and hastily adding, ‘On paper. Brynner actually seemed rather pleased with our conduct.’

‘Mm,’ said Nora, by way of agreement.

‘Really?’ said Ursa. ‘Even the bit where you blew up someone’s chimney and never apologised?’

Merlin frowned theatrically. ‘Funnily enough I didn’t mention it.’

‘Were you worried about being forced by the Institute to make up for it?’

‘No, it just didn’t seem important.’

They ate in silence for a moment. Nora ordered extra noodles.

‘So no punishment or anything?’ asked Ursa.

‘Not exactly,’ said Merlin. ‘We’re barred from fieldwork. Nora’s being forced to use some of her annual leave and I’m being shipped off to some kind of facility in the Lake District. Just to drop something off, I mean.’

This time Ursa had been busily slurping from her bowl, and upon hearing Merlin she sprayed a few bubbles in her shoyu broth. ‘The lakes?’ she said, dripping. ‘I’m supposed to be visiting family up there soon!’

‘Oh, did they want to see you after hearing about all the…?’ Merlin trailed off.

‘They don’t know yet!’

The others raised their eyebrows at Ursa’s mildly lunatic expression.

She continued. ‘You know, I didn’t want to worry them and by now it’s turned into a whole thing. Like, I moved in somewhere else! With someone else! And it didn’t feel appropriate to just, text them, you know?’

Merlin sniffed. ‘You don’t think they’ll be happy about your…’ he scrambled for civility; ‘Cohabitation… standards?’

‘They’re not like some people,’ said Ursa, rolling her eyes. ‘They’re just a bit, uh… traditional. It’s a better idea to get it all out with them in person. They’re going to be having a barbecue, actually.’

She glanced around the restaurant, fidgeting with her hands together. She realised she was turning the ring around over and over on her finger. ‘If… if you’re headed up there anyway, Merlin, would you maybe like to come?’

‘As a social buffer, you mean?’

‘S-something like that, yeah. Maybe I am a bit nervous. But as well, the more the merrier, right?!’

There was a thud as Nora put her empty bowl down. ‘I’ll come along too,’ she announced, perfectly casual. ‘If it’s a free meal.’

Ursa and Merlin traded a glance, shocked.

‘Uh of course!’ said Ursa, with a sudden big smile. ‘If you want!’

Nora was staring dead ahead, and nodded back. Her eyes were fixed on the silver wire coming from her chest, the one the others couldn’t see; the one that – according to the Morris Worm – stretched all the way up to the Lakes, where the Worm itself waited.

⁂

They travelled separately; Merlin by train, Nora by motorcycle, and Ursa (plus Alkahest) by automobile. Ursa had given the other two a time to arrive, planning to head in herself first, to introduce her new beau. If Merlin or Nora had decent timekeeping, they should knock at the door just in time to interrupt whatever blow-up Ursa’s Mum was in the middle of.

Nora was taking a somewhat scenic route, only the speed at which she was travelling turned the surrounding landscape into more of an impressionist blur. She’d woken up with another ability provided by the silver wire; namely, names. Floating above the head of anyone she looked at. She could see a neon ‘Peter Smith’ above the head of a driver she slalomed past, which rapidly dwindled behind her in the mirror.

It’s tomorrow you’re visiting me, right? I’m a little nervous!

She dismissed the message that had just appeared on her watch. She’d already explained to Morris that she’d be very busy at this barbecue, and then would be visiting whatever it was the wire led to while Merlin was busy dropping off his fingerbone. Maybe she should do a bit of a recce beforehand, though.

There wasn’t much to report on regarding Ursa and Alkahest’s journey. Alkahest drove with hands blatantly disregarding the ten-and-two position, and listened as Ursa sang along to the radio.

Merlin, though, had a train-ride of note. He’d sat himself at a nice table – well, as nice as he could get – and was working away at a bandwidth monitor to better predict peak usage on BlinkedIn, now that the Caliber Institute was actively pushing it.

Someone was across from him. He hadn’t noticed them sit down.

Peering over his laptop, he saw a woman smiling at him. She dressed in a similar fashion to Nora, though a different cut of casual; less “ease of movement in life-or-death situations” and more “this jacket could have anything in the pockets, couldn’t it”. To Merlin’s untrained eye, she looked vaguely Greek, or maybe Turkish?

‘Hey,’ said the woman.

Cautiously, he saved his work and closed it, just in case. ‘Hello,’ he said, in a perfectly friendly manner with the base notes of “this is an acknowledgement that you spoke, not an invitation to continue”.

Of course, the woman continued. ‘So, where are you headed?’ she asked.

Again Merlin spoke with passer-by brevity. ‘Oh, just heading to the countryside for a few days.’

A smile had unfurled itself on the woman’s face. ‘Oh I love the countryside,’ she said. ‘All those narrow roads through the middle of nowhere; it takes the emergency services ages to get to anything at all. You know you could burn a house down out there and have walked to the next village over by the time the fire engines have gotten past the horse-drawn carts and lines of ducks and such.’

That was both threatening and weird.

Merlin sort of nodded and ducked back down behind his laptop screen. He had neither the time nor the inclination to spend his journey chatting with some public-transport-nutter.

‘You travelling alone, then, Merlin?’

He looked back up. The woman was still smiling.

‘I’m sorry,’ said Merlin, ‘Do I know you?’

‘Not exactly,’ she replied, smile spreading like a thundercloud. ‘But I know you. Well, sort of. Somebody sent me your name, and a sample of your work. You’ve got potential, Merlin.’

‘Really. Say, if you know all this about me, I think it only fair that you’d tell me your name.’

The woman laughed; pigeon laughter from behind her smile, like she was corpsing in a school play. ‘I don’t give a shit about fair, Merlin! Gee whiz.’

She got up. ‘Have fun in the countryside,’ she said, breezing past. ‘Slash some tires for me, ‘kay?’

⁂

Ursa had been staring at the door of her childhood home for almost ten minutes. It was a bright, candy red colour. The last time she’d seen it, it had been sky blue.

That sky blue would still be there, down under six layers of other paint. It was an old Changeling tradition, or superstition, or something. Every year, first thing on New Year’s Day, they’d gather outside their house and pick a new colour for the door. And then they’d repaint it, outside and in, and everyone had to get at least a brush stroke in. Ursa wasn’t ever certain what exactly it represented, or warded off, but it was important to her Mother. She’d usually be the last one with brush still in hand, finishing it off. The whole family did it.

Well, the whole family that lived close enough, anyway, which meant everyone but Ursa. She wondered what the other colours since the blue had been.

‘You okay?’ said Alkahest, from the driver’s seat beside her.

She looked back toward him, and explained a bit about painting the door instead of how seeing it had made her feel, or god forbid, going inside.

‘Huh,’ said Alkahest. ‘If it’s first thing on New Year but the whole immediate family does it, what do the others do about their own houses?’

‘It’s kind of a chronological, eldest-household-first thing. I guess I’d be last if I still took part.’

Alkahest, hearing the self-recrimination under her words, reached over to give her hand a squeeze. ‘And what was stopping them from coming to your place to do it, if we’re following that logic?’

Ursa quirked a brow. ‘Well, for starters I’ve been renting, so I couldn’t paint any doors even if my Mama brought her biggest brush. But, for them to come over for a gathering at my home, that’s a bigger deal than you might think. I’ll explain that tradition another time.’

‘Okay, but our new place has a door, doesn’t it?’

‘Yeah, that was a big selling point when I agreed to move in there.’ She sighed, finally reaching for her bag in preparation for leaving the car. ‘Okay. You stay here for five minutes. Or six, actually. I’ll head in, say hi, and I’ll uh, prime them for your… arrival. And when you get there, if you’re going to mention the… ritual we did. The Verslovian one. You should mention it to my Tata. And absolutely not my Mama.’

‘Ursa, how worried should I actually be? Your Mom’s not like, the Doom Slayer or something, is she?’

‘God, I wish. I’ll see you in seven minutes.’

⁂

The rest of the day’s events – the ones in the Carpenter family household, anyway – involve a number of people all milling about getting burgers, sausages, and sides of mizeria, as well as zrazy from a big pot that stayed in the kitchen.

A shift in perspective might be worthwhile. As such, we’re going to take a step upwards, and view said events with the all-seeing-eye of a curious god, or better yet, someone playing The Sims. Perhaps occasionally we’ll bring the green crystal of our focus down to observe one person in particular.

See, here it is now, spinning away above Ursa’s head as she knocks at the door before letting herself straight in, the compromise of the visiting relative.

She hopes to see her father first, but mere seconds after the door clicks behind her, Ursa’s Mother appears from the kitchen, making her way to the garden with a tray full of burger buns.

Sarolt Carpenter looks a lot like her daughter. She looks like all of her children, of course, but she and Ursa have a resemblance even beyond that. Should Ursa bulk up a little, strip the pink from her hair, and also age by a few decades, the two could be seen as doppelgangers. They weren’t doppelgangers, of course; Changelings are entirely different.

‘Orsolya,’ says Sarolt, slowing but not stopping. ‘Hello! Welcome home.’

Ursa bristles, but makes an effort to smooth down her quills. Welcome Home didn’t automatically imply she’d come crawling back. Ursa was just inferring that. Right?

‘We’re just about getting started in the garden,’ continues Sarolt. ‘Do have a lot to unpack?’

‘Yes,’ mutters Ursa, ‘But not in the way you mean it. Why does it sound like you think I’m moving back home?’ she finishes, louder.

Sarolt has disappeared with the buns. In her place, though in the other lane of traffic, comes someone else. She’s taller than Ursa, and a few years older, but the biggest difference is in the way she holds herself. She moves with the disdain of a swan inspecting a mouldy loaf of bread.

‘Orsolya,’ says Ursa’s oldest sister.

‘Adrienn,’ says Ursa.

‘Welcome home,’ says Adrienn, disappearing into the kitchen. That was definitely implication, Ursa infers.

Sarolt reappears, with Imrus, Ursa’s father, in tow. He’s wearing an apron that says simply ‘I AM GRILLING’. Imrus, though large, is not an overly-complicated man.

He isn’t actually grilling now, though, instead he’s scooping Ursa up in vigourous yet careful hug. ‘Solya!’ he cries. ‘Welcome home!’

It’s the first use of this phrase that doesn’t sound like an I-told-you-so, so Ursa accepts it at face value. But as her head passes her father’s shoulder, she spots a banner that’s been strung up over the French doors leading to the garden.

WELCOME HOME ORSOLYA

‘Alright, okay,’ says Ursa, when she’s back on solid earth. ‘I think you might have… mistaken the reason I’m visiting.’ She leads her parents into the living room, away from where Adrienn would almost certainly be eavesdropping in the kitchen.

‘And I’m honestly really touched by the warmth of the welcome! Though, uh the banner is a lot,’ she continues. ‘But I’m not moving back here!’

‘Solya,’ says Sarolt, putting an arm around Imrus in a your-parents-understand gesture. ‘There’s no shame in coming home if things didn’t work out for you in Middlemarch.’

‘That’s what I’m saying, Mama, things have worked out really well! I’ve got work, well, I did, and I’ve moved out of the studio into somewhere nice!’

‘Orsolya, your internet videos aren’t work. It could go up in smoke at any time, you need something more substantial! How are you affording to–‘

‘And I met someone!’ blurts Ursa, relying more on momentum than bravery to get the admission out there.

There’s a beat.

‘Wow, Solya, that’s–‘ begins Imrus, but Sarolt cuts him off.

‘It must have been hard to find another Changeling in a city where you don’t know anyone, especially without the help of your family,’ she says. Her eyes are very narrow.

‘Well, that wasn’t an issue because he’s not a Changeling.’

‘…What is he, then?’

‘He’s a Demon.’

‘What, Orsolya?’

‘He’s a Demon?’

‘You have to speak up, Orsolya, I can’t–‘

‘He’s a Demon!’ says Ursa, finally.

Ursa’s mother says nothing, which is interrupted moments later by a knock at the front door. Ursa goes to answer, with her parents floating along behind her like a pair of stunned zeppelins.

‘Mama, Tata,’ says Ursa as she opens the door. ‘This is Azoth Alkahest.’

Alkahest gives a little wave from the doorstep. He’s making a conscious effort not to slip into his persona of swaggering insouciance – even though that worked out quite well in Ikea, and almost every union meeting he’d arranged – but the only alternative that leaves him with is a sort of awkward self-awareness.

‘Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Carpenter,’ he says. ‘It’s uh, a pleasure to meet you both?’

Imrus seems unsure, but gives a smile regardless, ready to shake a hand (firmly). Sarolt, however:

‘Oh, I’m getting a work call,’ she says, flatly. ‘I just need to take this. Excuse me.’

She pushes past Alkahest and vanishes from the porch, arms pumping like she’s in a military parade.

There’s a distinct sound that Ursa last heard just before being whisked away to Fae court; the sound of two engines approaching. It’s actually funny how the dread she feels now is somehow worse than the dread she felt then, when agreeing to take the fall for a crime she didn’t commit. Well, it’s funny if you aren’t Ursa.

Merlin and Nora arrive near-simultaneously, with Nora parking her bike and taking off her helmet – quickly replacing it with her baseball cap – and Merlin skimming to a stop before folding up his scooter and stuffing it into a bag. It bulges weirdly. He really should invest in a Bag of Holding or something.

‘Uh, these are my work friends I told you about,’ says Ursa, still reeling from her vanished Mama. Imrus continues to smile.

‘Come on in,’ he says, even to Alkahest. ‘My Wife’s just had to step out for a work call, but I’m sure she’ll be back any minute. You all hungry?’

‘I thought your Mother owned her own business?’ asks Merlin, following him inside and eyeing the craftsmanship of all the furniture. He either ignores or doesn’t notice Ursa’s hissing at him.

Merlin has brought an apple pie. His own mother suggested it was the proper thing to do, and though the good manners she’d tried to drum into him hadn’t really stuck, undermined as they were by her insistence on him wearing little costumes in family photos, he certainly retained enough to respect the laws of soiree-equivalent-exchange.

‘It’s from Marks & Spencer,’ he said, enticingly.

Ursa’s family is introduced.

There’s the previously-encountered Adrienn, who takes over hostess-duties in Sarolt’s sudden absence, ferrying plates around, and reminding everyone to leave room for zrazy, and asking if people have drinks. Her somewhat haughty demeanour ensures that nobody wants too much help. She occasionally smirks at Ursa.

Imrus has manned the barbecue once more, pillar of masculine authority that he is. Which is to say, he’s happy to stand quietly to one side and make sure that all the grill lines on the sausages and burgers are perfectly defined. He’s a details man, despite being the largest person any of the visitors have seen that isn’t a literal Minotaur.

One of Ursa’s brothers, Zente, was already there before Ursa arrived. He’s on a chair in the shade in the garden, playing Fate/ Grand Order on his phone. Merlin remarks that he didn’t think that was available in the EU, but Zente only mumbles something inaudible and keeps his head down. His fiancé is nowhere to be seen.

Actually, Adrienn’s partner is conspicuously absent too. It’s almost as if Ursa was the only one allowed to bring guests. Maybe it was an attempt to make her more comfortable moving back home, a little triumph offered to her as she brought along a little piece of the city she’d failed to find a foothold in.

Since she wasn’t moving back home, it just makes her guests feel all the more awkward. As Ursa bickers with Adrienn about nothing, they sort of huddle in a corner, despite the half-hearted enmity certain members of the huddle have for one another.

‘How you doing, anyway, Merlin?’ asks Alkahest. ‘Bullet wound healing up okay?’

‘It’s quite alright. I’d actually near-forgotten about it until you mentioned it, thank you.’

Alkahest nods. He appears to be, in sociological terms, “freaking out”. ‘Damn. Sorry. Maybe, if you, you gotta keep your strength up, you know? Have you eaten enough? You need sausages. We gotta get you some more sausages.’

‘I’m fine on sausages, Dem– I mean, Alkahest.’

Arriving shortly after is Panna. They don’t have a significant other, so the absence of one is not conspicuous. They take in the energy of the assembly and the lack of one parent, and immediately go to Ursa to find out what the craic is. She explains in sheepish tones.

With a lull in requests for sausages, Imrus has turned his back to the others and paces from side to side with his phone to his ear. Nora watches, as Ursa introduces her sibling to Alkahest, tone of voice reaching a pitch exclusive to canine radio.

Imrus’ phone call is a little intense. Nora pricks her hearing to catch his half, and finds herself wishing she could hear the other end of it.

Actually…

Your wish is my command, says the Morris Worm from her wrist, as she draws on its power to cast Remote Access. A holographic projection of Imrus’ phone appears in her hand, and she quietly puts it to her own ear. She hears Sarolt’s voice within, and Imrus’ responses from her other side.

‘…But I don’t understand why you can’t come back now,’ Imrus was saying. ‘It was a weird excuse, but I understand if you needed to step away and get your bearings. And you could easily just say it was a problem with a supplier and it’s all fixed now?’

Sarolt’s voice is sour, not so much in a peevish way, but more like someone with actual heartburn. ‘It’s not like that,’ she says. ‘I’m on my way back now. Though if that was it, I’d still be in my rights! It’s bad enough that he isn’t a Changeling, but you know that Demon-Fae relationships either go Bonnie-and-Clyde or Dracula-and-Renfield. I don’t want that for our–‘

‘Żabcia, we’re not from close enough to Chaos to fall into archetypes like that,’ says Imrus, gently. Nora isn’t certain what żabcia means; Imrus seems to have plundered the Polish language for pet names as well as his family’s Caliber-Institute-fabricated immigration story when they first came to the Fulcrum world.

‘No, I know, I just… do you know who that is? It’s Azoth fucking Alkahest. He tried to kill Margaret fucking Thatcher! I was there, for fuck’s sake! I don’t know what the fuck his game is, but I couldn’t find anything at the office other than some shit about the Summer Court being out for his blood. Fuck.’

‘You went all the way to…’ Imrus looks around, lowering his voice. ‘Your other job?’

‘Yeah, and a fat lot of good it did. I’m sorry, mysiu-pysiu. I’ll be back in fifteen. Just… keep an eye on Solya, will you?’

‘I am.’ Imrus’ eyes drift to Ursa, as she tells Panna about her bouquet of chocolate roses. ‘She looks happy, pączusia.’

The phone beeps as the call ends, and Nora lets her spell trickle away through her fingers.

⁂

The last Carpenter to arrive is Edvin, who marches in wearing shorts and a backpack taller than his torso. There’s mud coming up to his ankles, and he announces he got a bit lost on the hike he’d taken to work up an appetite. He sits down with approximately all of the remaining food, except for Merlin’s pie.

When Sarolt reappears, there’s a clear tension in her shoulders. She announces that there was indeed a problem with a supplier, and it was indeed all fixed now. She offers to sort out the pie, and ducks away into the kitchen after showing her face again for all of thirty seconds.

Nora cannot help but follow.

She shuts the kitchen door behind her. ‘Need any help with that?’ she says.

Sarolt starts, but calms herself. There’s a large knife in her hand. It’s for the pie, though. ‘Ah it’s alright… Nora, was it?’

‘Yeah, Nora,’ says Nora. ‘Though I sometimes go by “mysiu-pysiu“.’

The knife goes still.

‘What is it you do for the Institute?’ continues Nora. ‘I tried to look you up in the employee records, but I’m assuming you used a pseudonym?’

Nora had not-too-subtly brought up Alkahest’s assassination attempt from the end of the 80’s, and he’d been too frazzled to question the non-sequitur.

‘Yeah, I got a rifle and everything,’ he’d laughed. ‘Didn’t end so good for me. The Caliber Institute got wind of it, actually, and sent some guys to kick my ass.’

‘What happened?’ asked Nora.

‘They kicked my ass.’

‘So you remember it pretty clearly?’

‘Oh boy, yeah. My ribs definitely do, at least. Why d’you ask?’

‘I asked him about trying to kill Thatcher, you know,’ Nora adds. ‘He didn’t seem to remember anyone that matched your description.’

Sarolt takes a steaming breath inwards, and slowly, carefully, gets back to cutting the pie. ‘I keep my work life and my home life meticulously distinct,’ she says.

She pushes past Nora and through the kitchen door.

As Nora follows her back to the garden, they emerge to see that Imrus has picked Alkahest up bodily, his massive frame dwarfing the black-and-white Fiend’s. Ursa’s face is pinker than her hair. It’s clearly embarrassment, not shock, and soon Alkahest has been crushed into a massive hug.

‘I can’t believe it!’ booms Imrus. He actually seems close to tears. ‘I never thought..! Even Adrienn didn’t get to do the ritual!!’

When he finally relinquishes his grip, he brings his hands down to place one on Ursa’s shoulder, and one on Alkahest’s. Behind them, he sees Sarolt with the pie.

‘Pączusia!’ he calls to her. ‘You’ll never guess what these two have been up to! Tell her, Solya!’

Both Ursa and Alkahest too have gone pink by the time Sarolt comes over. It looks a little out of place on him.

Ursa won’t meet her eye, but her voice isn’t quite as small as earlier. She’s fiddling with a ring Sarolt hadn’t noticed before.

‘We, uh, did the Verslovian Ritual,’ she says.

‘Just like we did!’ laughs Imrus. ‘Though, unlike some people, I didn’t resort to licking zebra crossings.’

Alkahest’s face goes an incandescent red as Imrus gives him a good natured clap on the back.

Sarolt doesn’t seem to share her husband’s enthusiasm. She looks from Ursa, to Alkahest, then over to Nora off on one side.

She hesitates, but steels herself. ‘How did the two of you meet?’ she asks.

‘Oh, uh,’ begins Ursa, now not only refusing to make eye contact but also refusing to look in whatever cardinal direction Sarolt occupied. ‘Well. We met on a job. Uh, I’ve actually been doing some work for the, uh, Caliber Institute?’

She gives an apologetic grin to a patch of nearby grass.

Sarolt is near-incandescent. ‘What?! You can’t be—what would possibly possess you to join up with the Institute?!’

‘Well, I wasn’t going to, but the Director sort of implied that you and Tata might get in trouble because of me if I didn’t.’

‘And you still chose to pledge yourself to a place like that?!’

Now Ursa’s voice was growing hot. ‘I was trying to make sure you’d be okay!’

‘And look how that’s worked out,’ said Sarolt, looking pointedly at Alkahest.

Ursa steps into the path of her glare. ‘Excuse me, Alkahest is more than okay! In fact, working for the Institute was working out pretty well for me! I’m doing well, Mama! You just refuse to admit it because you want to keep me here so you can all feel like you’re better than me!’

‘Solya, I will not have you speak to me like that. You’re acting like a child. And you wouldn’t be so ready to defend the Caliber Institute if you knew the dangers of it.’

‘And how would you know the dangers of it! You–‘

‘Because I’ve worked for it for thirty-six years!‘

Sarolt realises what she’s said in the heat of their argument a little bit too late. Ursa is looking at her with the expression of someone who just found a tooth in their soup.

‘…You—you hypocrite!!’

This time, when Sarolt leaves, she doesn’t bother with an excuse.

A Car Ride, the Sushi Date and a LOTR Marathon.

It was absolutely silent in the car as they drove through different worlds to head home. Ursa had sat in the front, hoping to get a chance to talk to Alkahest, but she could feel Nora and Merlin’s eyes on her. They weren’t saying anything in the back. Elene was quiet too. She was so grateful they had all come to rescue her and so happy she could call them her friends, but right now she wished she’d been all ‘Hey I can make my own way home!’ and ran in the opposite direction.

And what would she even say to Alkahest anyway! He had said he loved her, what??? Ursa felt like that was a huge jump, he’d only just gotten her flowers yesterday, saying she hadn’t overstepped with that tiny peck of a kiss, it was too good to be true. Obviously, she was head over heels for him, she couldn’t deny that, but how could she believe he felt the same??? And the Verslovian ritual??? They were kinda, a little bit engaged??? And he seemed ok with that??? Ursa could hear him say ‘is it too soon for that?’ over and over again in her head. This couldn’t be happening. 

This was probably part of the punishment, a perfect moment before everything came crashing down, so the fall hit even harder. Or maybe she actually had been executed and in her dying moments her brain concocted this amazing scenario where everyone cared about her and everything was exactly as she wanted, to give her some comfort before the abyss. 

But as she worried, Alkahest kept looking over at her, with this big, goofy grin on his face, that got even wider if he caught her eye. The butterflies in her stomach were huge. She’d do anything to make this be real, pay any price to have this be reality. 

‘Keep your eyes on the road, omg.’ She whispered, unable to stop smiling as she looked at him. He didn’t reply, he just chuckled, grinning at her. If they had been alone, she wondered what’d she say to him. 

But a cough from the back – probably not a deliberate one, but still – reminded her that they were definitely not alone. 

She pulled her gaze away, smiling bashfully, before twisting in her seat to look at her friends. 

‘Hey, so what happened while I was gone?’ she asked, talking too quickly, wanting to avoid any awkwardness. ‘That weird old lady said you went through some shit, and you all look pretty beat up. Did a building really explode on you???’ Even though Ursa said ‘all’ it was only really Merlin and Alkahest covered in blood, and she was a little afraid they’d been at each other’s throats. The look the three of them shared before answering practically confirmed it. 

Between them, they gave Ursa a fairly accurate cliff notes version, leaving out the bits where they beat the shit out of each other and Merlin stabbed an old lady multiple times, of course. 

‘You all just… agreed to work with each other? With no fighting?’ Ursa asked incredulously. 

‘Yes, we just… talked.’ Nora replied flatly. 

‘We had a very civil conversation.’ Alkahest added, grinning. 

Merlin stayed very quiet. 

‘Well, that’s nice.’ Ursa didn’t believe them for a moment. ‘I really owe you guys, thanks so much for coming to rescue me!’ 

‘You’re welcome.’ Merlin replied. 

‘Don’t do it again.’ Nora added, hesitating, ‘Please.’ She crossed her arms and was suddenly very focused on something outside the window. 

‘Yeah, it is not fun at fae court, don’t want to repeat. Hey, let me treat you guys to dinner soon yeah? Since I dunno if I’ll be coming back to the institute yet, I’ve made us a group chat!’ She shows Merlin and Nora her phone, a chat named ‘Besties!’ and Ursa had already sent a list of restaurant recommendations and a gif of a cat dancing while wearing a sombrero. 

Nora groaned loudly. 

‘Hey, sorry to interrupt, but we’re back in fulcrum; where does everyone want dropping?’ Alkahest called out, the scenery outside finally familiar. Everyone gave a little sigh of relief. 

‘Just anywhere near the centre.’ Nora replied coldly. 

‘Yeah, that’s fine with me.’ Merlin added, sounding equally as icy. 

Ursa pouted a little, she had hoped that they might have bonded a little over all of this, but they seemed extremely eager to get out of this car. She realised they were all looking at her. 

Uh oh. 

‘Are you going back to Strych’s?’ Ursa asked Alkahest innocently, suddenly acutely aware of her lack of plans and/or home to return to. 

‘Aw shit, yeah, I gotta apologise about the chimney-‘ 

The silence was tense. 

In the back, Elene blinked, looking confused. 

‘Why, what did you do to their chimney?’ Ursa asked, sweet voice more than a little strained. 

Alkahest panicked, unable to stop his eyes from darting back to Merlin. ‘Oh, you know, it got a little, uh, damaged, during our, uh, very civil and non-violent conversation!’ 

Ursa turned to glare at Nora and Merlin, and Nora cracked first. 

‘Hey, nothing to do with me, I didn’t even shoot him!’ She didn’t add that she had wanted to. 

‘I wouldn’t have destroyed the chimney if Alkahest had just died first,’ Merlin muttered. 

‘MERLIN!’ 

‘Come on, Ursa, what’s a little Witch Bolt between pals!’ Alkahest joked, trying to de-escalate the rage slowly building in the car, but stopped as Ursa gave him a pointed look. 

‘Look, it was pretty obvious you were gonna fight, I’m not gonna get mad that you tried to murder Alkahest,’ said Ursa through clenched teeth, sounding like someone who was definitely getting mad about that very thing. ‘But you HAVE to apologise to Strych, you can’t just blow up their house! They hadn’t done anything!’ 

Merlin shifted in his seat uncomfortably. ‘They were hiding a fugitive.’ 

‘MERLIN!’ 

‘Oh look, here’s our stop.’ Nora said, opening the car door and dragging Merlin out with her. 

‘MERLIN WE ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS LATER!’ Ursa screeched after them, furiously starting to message in the group chat, using lots of red faced emojis. 

‘I’m gonna go too,’ Elene said. ‘Thanks for the ride.’ 

‘Elene— wait,’ Ursa exclaimed, hastily changing her face. ‘Let me give you my phone number; we should hang out! Thanks so much for all your help with the trial, I really owe you!’ 

‘Nah, it was a really interesting case.’ Elene said smoothly and Ursa blushed, remembering how she had bungled a lot of it. She still couldn’t believe she let them read all those texts. How the Hell had she made it out alive? Elene hefted her baseball bat and smiled. ‘While I’m in town lets grab coffee or something, yeah?’ 

‘Oh my God, yes, 100%!’ Ursa replied happily, waving as Elene got out the car. Incredible, she’d gone from having no friends to three friends and… well, whatever Alkahest was. Boyfriend? Partner? Fiancée?? That last one made her blush. 

‘Do you, uh, want dropping anywhere?’ Alkahest asked quietly.  

‘Can I come to Strych’s? I want to apologise on Merlin’s behalf,’ Ursa replied, a little too quickly. 

She should just tell him, Hey, I kinda thought I’d be stuck in court for ages so I moved out just in case but now I feel silly since it was just a day but also I have nowhere to live now, wanna get a room with me somewhere? 

But he’d already gone through hell and back to get her, it’d be unfair to add more to his plate. She could figure something out. She always did. If this was real, she didn’t want to push her luck. 

‘Yeah, course,’ he replied, seeming happy enough, so Ursa went back to her phone. She could get a hotel for a few nights, if it was cheap enough, she’d still have some deposit money for another apartment… 

Her thoughts trickled off. The silence was too distracting. 

They were finally alone. 

Ursa gulped and put her phone down. 

‘Um, I didn’t get a chance to say it during the trial or after, you know, with everything going on but…’ She took a deep breath. Her heart was pounding so loudly she could barely hear what she was saying. ‘I, um, I love you too. I just, um, wanted you to know, y’know? Cause you said it first, and, um, I don’t want you to—’ 

Alkahest didn’t say anything in response, interrupting her by reaching over for her hand, kissing each knuckle gently. With each touch of his lips, her worries melted away. Maybe this was real. Maybe he did feel the same. Her heart felt like it was about to burst with joy. They stayed like that for a while, silently beaming at each other. Ursa felt like they were in their own little world. And she never wanted to leave. 

* 

She tried her best not to say anything as they pulled up to Strych’s, but Ursa’s eyes went very wide when she saw the destruction and debris scattered around the garden. Even in the dark it looked really fucking bad. 

‘Omg, Merlin actually tried to fucking murder you,’ she whispered. 

Alkahest just laughed, shrugging. ‘It’s fine.’ 

Ursa did not think it was fine. 

Strych must have seen the two pull up, as they were already waiting outside with their arms crossed, smoke wafting in from the open door and the cigarette in their hand, sneering at them as they got out the car. ‘What is that monstrosity on my driveway? Are you on the run from Vic Sulph now too?’ 

‘Nah, he’s dead,’ Alkahest answered cheerfully. 

‘Well then.’ Strych turned to Ursa, with a dry smile.  ‘Ursa, it’s nice to see you’ve not been executed.’ 

‘Yeah thanks, I love not being executed, or having my memories erased or being locked up forever!’ Ursa said with a laugh, before taking on a more serious face. ‘I’m so, so, so sorry about your poor chimney, I never thought Merlin would do something like that.’ 

Strych sighed deeply. ‘You don’t need to apologise, it wasn’t you.’ There was a nasty glint in their eyes. ‘I’ll make sure to never laugh at his jokes again.’ 

Ursa laughed, but Strych didn’t. 

‘Does this mean I can kick you the fuck out?’ They asked Alkahest, hands on hips. Ursa stepped back a little while they talked and got her phone out again, continuing her search for a place to stay. 

‘Yeah, thanks for letting me hide out here, I really appreciate it.’ Alkahest replied, smiling warmly at Strych. The warmth was not reciprocated. 

‘You owe me,’ Strych said matter-of-factly. 

‘Big time, I know,’ he laughed. 

‘Where are you going to go?’ Strych asked, sounding disinterested, examining their claw-like nails. ‘If you’re staying in Middlemarch for a bit, you’ve got a couple of safe houses, right? What about that place near Chinatown? It’s halfway decent. Livable.’ 

‘Oh yeah, good ide—’ 

‘Invite Ursa too, since she’s googling hotels for some reason.’ 

‘Eh?’ 

They were both staring and Ursa felt herself flush as she put her phone away, laughing nervously.

‘Oh, um, I figured the fey stuff would take… well, more than a day anyway, so I kinda… quit my job, put all my stuff in storage, cancelled all my bills, moved out, updated my will… you know…  normal stuff…’ 

‘Wow, you were really prepared.’ 

‘Yeahhhhh…’ She couldn’t look at him, twisting her hair round her finger anxiously. 

‘Do you… Do you wanna move in with me?’ Alkahest asked, and he looked so happy Ursa’s chest actually hurt. 

‘I mean, I don’t want to be a hassle,’ she was already saying it without even thinking, shrinking away like she always did, even though she just desperately wanted to scream yes. ‘I can easy just—’ 

‘UGH,’ Strych interrupted, looking absolutely disgusted. ‘He wants you to. You want to. Move in together and get the fuck off my lawn!’ They turned to head back; their stomping lessened by the fact that they were wearing slippers. 

Ursa looked up at Alkahest with a shy smile, the two of them blushing as their fingers interlocked. She took a deep breath. 

‘Um, I would really like that. If you’re sure its ok.’ 

‘Yeah, that’s totally cool with me.’ He replied too quickly, too excitedly. He paused. ‘I haven’t been there in a while so it might be a total shithole, sorry. If you don’t like it, we can always look for something else together.’ 

Ursa laughed and was about to say something stupid, but Strych interrupted them again. 

‘Actually… there’s something I should mention.’ They’d stopped just a few feet away, and turned back towards them. They seemed hesitant, something remarkably out of character. ‘Panacea came by.’ 

‘Oh shit.’ Alkahest said, taking a step closer towards Ursa. ‘Did she say what she wanted?’ 

‘Just wanted to know if I’d seen you. Apparently, her ‘twin-sense’ isn’t working.’ 

‘Wait you’re twins??’ Ursa gasped. 

‘Yeah, kinda, we don’t really look alike though. And she’s just good at scrying, she calls it her twin sense to fuck with people.’ He reached under his shirt to pull out the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location that Ursa had given him a few days ago – although it felt like much longer— ‘Thanks again for the amulet Ursa, big relief if Panacea can’t track me anymore! That should keep her off my back for a little bit—’ 

‘Alkahest.’ Strych interrupted, their expression dire. ‘She knows about Ursa.’ 

He blinked. And then blinked again. And blinked several more times very rapidly. ‘She what?’ 
 
Strych didn’t bother rolling their eyes. ‘Panacea seems to know about Ursa.’  
 
More blinking.  
 
Ursa looked up at him in confusion, not quite sure what was causing his brain malfunction. ‘Is that bad?’ 
 
‘No!’ His voice sounded squeaky and taut. ‘Of course not. That’s fine. Totally fine. What did she say, exactly?’  
 
‘She just asked if I had met your new girlfriend yet.’  
 
‘How did she know?’ Ursa asked quizzically, ‘we’ve only been official for maybe two hours?’ She had a brief panic that they weren’t official yet and she was overstepping, but put it to one side because you can’t do the Verslovian ritual with someone and not be official.  
 
Strych took a deep drag of their cigarette. ‘I assume it has something to do with that flashy Summer Court Trial you were just in?’ 
 
Alkahest laughed in a way that sounded tortured. ‘Did she say anything else?’  
 
Strych hesitated; or rather, might have hesitated or might have just been taking another drag of their cigarette. ‘I think her exact words were “Isn’t Orsolya such a pretty name?” to which I replied “who the fuck is that?”’ Strych jabbed at Ursa’s chest. ‘I assume that’s you.’’ 
 
Ursa took a step back, partly from the force of Strych’s fingers and partly from the chill that sent the hairs on the back of her neck up. She looked at Alkahest nervously. ‘How does she know my… Actual name?’  
 
Alkahest’s face seemed to fold in on itself, much like a certain muppet, before his mouth opened, and opened, until he had his game face on. ‘It’s fine, this is fine. I can keep her away from Ursa.’ 
 
Strych snorted. ‘That’s the big plan? Hide Ursa in a box every time Panacea gets close?’ 
 
‘Yes. No! …Do you think that would work?’ 
 
‘Am I missing something here?’ Ursa chimed in, not particularly liking the sound of being shoved in a box, ‘She’s your sister, I assumed I’d have to meet her at some point. You’re gonna have to meet my family, sorry in advance.’  
 
The eyes in his maw squinted in fear. ‘No, you can’t, Pan’s too—’ He faltered, swiveling towards Styrch, ‘You just can’t.’ He said finally, sounding strangled.  
 
Ursa suddenly had a very bad feeling.  
 
‘Can’t? Like, ever? At all?’  
 
‘Uhhhhhhhhhh… Yeah, that’d be for the best.’ 
 
‘Really?’ Strych said with a snort. The eyes in Alkahest’s maw just glared at them.  
 
‘Should I be worried?’ Asked Ursa, although she was already very worried.  
 
‘No.’  
 
‘Yes.’ 
 
Strych and Alkahest said simultaneously.  
 
They stared each other down. Alkahest gulped. ‘You’re right, Strych, there’s nothing to worry about, if I can keep Panacea away from her.’  
 
‘Emphasis on if.’  
 
Ursa was starting to get really freaked out now. ‘I know she’s the “evil” twin, but… is she really that dangerous?’ 
 
‘Wait,’ Strych said slowly, peering into Alkahest’s maw in disdain, ‘Have you not told her?’ 
 
‘Told me what?’
 
‘Look, I thought she’d be stuck in that infernomicon for at least half a century, and I’d have time to prepare and get her to not…’ He looked over to Ursa.  ‘y’know.’ 
 
Strych raised their eyebrows at him. ‘Well? Are you gonna tell her, or should I?’  
 
Ursa felt like the earth beneath her was about to swallow her up. Her own family baggage was dramatic enough, it must be so much worse with demons. Maybe her family would seem normal in comparison.  
 
‘Look, Ursa, my sister… she uh…’ He couldn’t seem to bring himself to finish the sentence.  
 
Strych sighed dramatically. ‘She’s broken up every relationship he’s ever had.’  
 
What.  
 
Ursa couldn’t help but laugh, a little manically, that hadn’t been what she was expecting at all.
 
‘What?’
 
‘Yeah, seduces them, causes as messy a break up as she can and then ditches them when she gets bored.’
 
Ursa looked from Strych to Alkahest, mouth agape.
 
‘What, every single one?’
 
‘Yep.’ Alkahest replied, looking the most uncomfortable she’d ever seen him.
 
‘Wow, ok– wait, WAIT! STRYCH!’ Ursa covered her mouth in horror.
 
Strych took another deep drag of their cigarette. ‘Yes, Ursa, that includes me.’
 
‘Panacea is the reason you two broke up???’ Ursa exclaimed, unable to keep her voice down.
 
‘No.’  
 
‘Yes.’ 
 
Strych groaned. ‘There were several reasons why we broke up, let’s not dredge it all up now.’ They looked pointedly at Ursa.  
 
‘Yeah. Loads of reasons. One of them being that you fucked my sister.’ His voice was less jittery but now there was an edge to it, as if he were trying to make it sound like a joke and failing utterly.
 
Strych didn’t seem fussed. They blew smoke into his maw, drawling, ‘Well, if you want to be specific, she fucked me but—’ 
 
‘Fuck you, Strych, you’re not helping!’
 
‘No thanks.’ 
 
‘Hey, time out,’ Ursa laughed nervously, getting between the two of them in an attempt to ease the tension, ‘seriously, is she just going to hit on me?’  
 
Strych blinked. ‘It’s more complex than that. But, essentially, yes.’ 
 
‘Oh thank goodness! You were making it sound like she was going to hunt me down and eat me or something!’  
 
‘Or something.’ Strych muttered.  
 
‘Anyway, if all she’s going to do is bat her eyelashes at me, that’s much more manageable!’ 
 
‘Manageable?’ Alkahest’s surge of rage had already dissipated, he was back to being squeaky and shaky. ‘Ursa, she’s not manageable, you’ll take one look at her and—’  
 
‘She is the hot twin.’ Strych said almost cheerfully.  
 
‘Still not helping, Strych.’ Alkahest growled.  
 
‘OK, so she’s hot and scary, whatever. I don’t fall for every hot demon I meet. Or else Strych would be in trouble too. And Erabu. Why are there so many hot demons? Jeeze.’ 
 
Alkahest stepped towards her, touching her shoulders gently, with shaking hands, ‘You haven’t met her, you don’t get it, it’s not just looks she just has this— Panacea is— She’s just—’ He couldn’t find the words, shaking his head, the eyes in his maw more sorrowful than she could have imagined. Ursa felt a hole open up in her chest. She pulled him into a hug without thinking. He started a little, looking over to Strych before reciprocating.  
 
When she pulled away, his game face had gone and he was beet red, unable to look at her or at Strych. He took a quick step back. Maybe he didn’t like PDA or maybe it was Strych’s murderous glare. 
‘Hey, so,’ She said quietly— Strych could probably still hear her, but they’d have to strain their ears a bit, ‘I get the feeling this is like… a really big deal and now is probably not the best time to talk about it?’ 
 
He looked like he was about to say something, before flushing more and nodding ashamedly. ‘Sorry.’ He managed.  
 
Ursa shook her head, giving him the warmest smile she could muster. ‘I mean, we all have baggage, don’t worry! I bet you’re excited to get into mine.’ He didn’t laugh at that, but there was a half-hearted smile. She reached out for his hands gently— he’d have to put up with a little PDA. ‘But, yeah you really don’t need to fret, ok? I meant what I said before, in the car. I love you. And…’ She flushed a little herself, looking up at him bashfully, ‘I’ve never felt this way about someone before, didn’t really think I was capable of feeling this way…. So, yeah, you’re kinda stuck with me.’ She squeezed his hands with a laugh, ‘And not just ‘cause we did an ancient changeling engagement ritual.’  
 
That did make him laugh, and she was suddenly reminded of the first video he had sent her, laughing at her terrible pronunciation. Her heart fluttered— it had been doing that a lot since she had met him— as she couldn’t stop herself from smiling widely. Him laughing, making him laugh? That was her jam. Somewhere in the distance, she could hear Saubra pretend-retching and she had to stifle a giggle. 
 

Strych looked about as appreciative, having had quite enough. ‘You’re both revolting, I wish I had never helped you, get out of my sight.’ 

Alkahest laughed, moving towards the house. ‘Ok, sorry Strych, I’ll just grab my stuff and we’ll be out of your hair.’ 

Strych moved to go inside but hesitated again, looking back at Ursa. ‘Do you… want a cup of tea? 

Ursa lit up, running to catch up. ‘Omg, yes please, thanks so much Strych!’ 

‘Well, you know where the kitchen is.’ 

‘Oh.’ 

* 

The apartment was a little way out of the city centre – closer than Ursa’s old apartment anyway – and the building Alkahest had brought her to seemed to be a vacant shopping complex. On the drive past, Ursa could have sworn there had been a woolworths sign, but it couldn’t have been vacant for that long, surely. There was a little multi-storey parking lot connected, and as they walked up the stairs to the apartments, Ursa started getting very nervous. 

Firstly, because it smelt like piss – most multi-storey carpark stairs did but still – he’d said it was a shithole, what if he was taking her somewhere gross??? What if it was dirty??? She didn’t know how demons lived, Strych’s house was always smoky, what if Alkahest’s was covered in blood or worse – and secondly because she was suddenly very aware she had agreed to move in with him. Her thoughts were lightning fast, full of insecurities and worries, they hadn’t spent any real time together outside of texting, there was so much you didn’t learn about a person until you lived together, what if he hated how she chewed???? What if he had an annoying habit that she couldn’t deal with???? What if their relationship crumbled because they’d only ever been in high adrenaline situations before and couldn’t be around each other normally? This was only the third time they’d ever met in person. He was going to dump her for sure. 

‘Hey, you ok? This is it.’ 

Ursa came back to her senses. They were stood in front of a door. It seemed normal enough. The smell of piss had rescinded. ‘Yeah sorry, bit nervous. Ha ha.’ 

He smiled and squeezed her hand. ‘Me too.’ 

Then he placed his hand on the door. A sigil appeared and the door clicked open. 

Ursa’s jaw dropped open. ‘Holy shit, magic door!’ 

‘Yeah, I’ll add you to the lock, don’t worry.’ 

‘My old place just… had a key.’ 

‘And you’re still alive? Amazing.’ He motioned to the door. ‘You wanna go in?’ 

‘Y-yeah!’ Ursa said nervously, pushing the door open, eyes squeezing shut as she took a deep breath, preparing herself for the worst. 

She was pleasantly surprised. 

‘Oh.’ 

It was quite modern, looked like one of those new build houses, all beige and cream, opening out onto an open plan kitchen-diner-living-room. It was a little impersonal, but the only complaint Ursa could make was that everything was covered in cat hair. Which was, well, it was weird, but certainly manageable. 

‘Woah, woah, woah, WOAH!’ Ursa said excitedly, eyes sparkling with glee. ‘This is so nice? It’s like, twice the size of my old apartment?’ 

Alkahest put his bags down, smiling. ‘There’s the upstairs too.’ 

‘HOLY SHIT!’ 

‘It’s a bit, uh, plain, with safe houses, you make a persona for them, like a fake owner. Helps protect against scrying. I can’t remember who I made for here. Think she had cats?’ 

Ursa laughed, spying some empty food bowls in the kitchen. ‘That explains why everything is covered in cat hair!’ 

‘We’ll do a deep clean tomorrow, after we go get your stuff.’ Alkahest paused, cheeks turning pink. ‘I normally don’t stay in safe houses for long but… if you’re happy, I can drop the persona, maybe get Strych to ward it… we can… y’know… Make it home.’ 

Ursa clapped her hands together, spinning on the spot, absolutely ecstatic. ‘Oh my god, can we decorate together?’ 

‘Yeah.’ He smiled, perching on the end of a comfy looking sofa, watching her squeal with glee as she rushed about, looking at everything. He started to fidget a little. The smile faded. He sighed. ‘Hey, Ursa?’ 

‘Hmm?’ She turned towards him, hesitating at his mellow expression. 

‘Next time shit hits the fan… Please, please just talk to me. I was real fuckin’ scared when I got that text… Don’t leave me in the dark again, ok?’ He sounded so… vulnerable. Ursa’s throat went dry. 

She gulped, hands suddenly sweaty. ‘I 100% promise you, I wouldn’t have done that unless it was necessary. The institute was gonna force me to talk to Cat shit, I couldn’t— I had to go from plan d to like… plan y.’ 

‘You had that many plans?’ Alkahest chuckled, although it was much more subdued than usual. 

‘No, mostly just bad ideas.’ She admitted. ‘You should be glad I didn’t have to resort to my last, last resort.’ With a click of her fingers and a little spin, she transformed into Alkahest, complete with a white and black suit. ‘Just in case they didn’t buy me being the murderer. They probs would have figured out I was a fake but, hey! Beggers and choosers and all that.’ She even sounded like him. 

Alkahest just stared at her, wide eyed. 

She turned back to herself, sheepishly. ‘Sorry, that was probably weird, I—’ 

‘Why’d you— Ursa, you—’ He couldn’t seem to get his words together, his hand over his mouth. ‘Why were you so ready to fuckin’ die for me?’ 

‘Hey,’ Ursa crossed her arms, frowning, ‘I didn’t go into this wanting to die? I worked my ass off to get out alive! I got execution taken off the fucking table!’ 

‘Really?’ 

‘Yeah! I mean…’ She hesitated. ‘Cat shit did want to erase my memories instead, which is kinda worse in some ways…’ Ursa trailed off, a deep pit in her stomach, her worries knotting together tighter and tighter. ‘I… I am sorry for not talking it out with you. There were probably better options but… I didn’t have time. I knew you’d worry; I didn’t even want to tell you anything to be honest, I was gonna lie and just say I was just busy with work… But I couldn’t so… yeah…’ He was still silent. She stepped closer, as close as she dared. ‘I really don’t want you to be mad, I promise, I would’ve done things differently if the circumstances weren’t dire.’ 

‘I’m not mad, please don’t worry, sorry,’ with a sigh he stood back up and reached out for her, she practically ran into his open arms. ‘Sorry, Ursa, I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me. You’re fucking amazing, doing all of this and I… I never…’ he squeezed her tighter. ‘I never want to lose you.’ 

‘I promise next time we’ll talk first, yeah? I won’t hide anything. We’re a team.’ Ursa said with a little sniff, burying her face into his chest. 

‘Hell yeah.’ He said softly with a smile, holding her gently. 

‘But… I can’t promise…’ She looked up at him, voice wobbling. ‘I can’t promise I won’t do this again. Sorry, I’d do anything if it kept you safe. I’d give myself up to the fae in a heartbeat every time.’ 

Alkahest stroked her face with a rueful smile. ‘I mean… you were right before. I would’ve done the same for you. I know I came in guns blazing, but, Ursa, if Titania had said ‘hey it’s you or her’ I’d have given myself up gladly. I’d burn the whole world down for you.’ 

Her heart swelled and she tiptoed up to kiss him, though less than normal thanks to her heels. 

When she pulled back, she blushed. ‘Hey, slightly off-topic but… when you did burst in… I mean, I was happy to see everyone, but… I honestly… didn’t think you’d come for me? I mean, I wouldn’t have ever imagined Nora turning up, not even in my wildest dreams but… I guess having confirmation that you… y’know… felt the same… I was really fucking happy.’ She’d started twisting her hair round her finger again, and couldn’t quite look at him. ‘I think… I was scared to tell you what was going on because I still didn’t really think you even liked me back… Or at least not as much as I… not the same way I felt about you… I’m not super great at feelings, and I definitely don’t really trust other people’s feelings but… you made it pretty hard to deny… y’know…’ she hazarded a look up at him and her heart stopped. 

His eyes were melting her, staring deep into hers and so, so, so full of love. His hands cupped her face, brushing away some errant pink hairs. She couldn’t breathe. 

‘I love you, Ursa.’ The way he said it made her knees tremble. He’d never been this close before, not while saying it. Not while looking so sincere. Not while sounding so raw. ‘I’d chase you through every world if I had to. I won’t let anything stand in your way. Nothing is ever gonna keep us apart.’ 

He kissed her again and Ursa could see stars. She could have died there and then and been happy. 

‘We on the same page now?’ he breathed.  

‘Yeah. 100%.’ She replied dreamily, clinging to him for support because her legs were shaking so much. 

He squeezed her again before clearing his throat. ‘So, we agree yeah, we’ll look out for each other, tackle things together. And fingers crossed, we won’t need to do any more self-sacrificing.’ 

‘Ha ha, yeah,’ Ursa laughed, feeling drunk, lightheaded, ‘most couples date, then move in together, then do an archaic engagement ritual and THEN maybe sacrifice themselves for each other??? We’ve done this super backwards.’ 

‘Does that mean I finally get to take you out now?’ 

Ursa couldn’t reply, she was too happy, she felt like she was floating, so she just kissed him again. 

‘We should probably get some sleep,’ Alkahest said with a grin, looking as happy as she felt, ‘let’s head up and-!’ He stopped in his tracks, face flushing a deep crimson. He took a sudden step back. ‘Shit, uh, I can take the sofa, we don’t have to—!’ 

‘What? Why would you—?’ She was about to ask but then she saw his embarrassed expression, how he suddenly couldn’t look at her. And it clicked for her. 

Oh my God. 

Ursa pulled him back, kissing him again, and their lips lingered a little longer. 

‘Well, I mean…’ she looked up at him, trying to ignore the tremor in her voice, in her hands. ‘We’re engaged, technically, although it’s just a stupid ritual, we don’t have to be its totally not a big deal, uh, you don’t have to worry about that.’ 

‘I don’t want to rush you, there’s – I mean, not that I don’t want to, but there’s no pressure—’ 

‘It doesn’t feel like rushing.’ Ursa said, voice barely more than a whisper. ‘And I don’t feel any pressure. If anything, I’m just excited. I can finally kiss you as much as I want. Which is a whole bunch.’ 

‘Yeah?’ Alkahest asks, his voice low and quiet. His hands were shaking too. They’d been doing that a lot today. 

Ursa couldn’t bring herself to reply, not trusting her voice, so instead she nodded and kissed him again, pulling him close. It reminded her of the first time she kissed him, clutching at him desperately, hoping she wasn’t making a mistake. 

This kiss was very different to that first one, not just because she didn’t nearly completely miss. The air had changed between them, a fire in both their chests that spread between them. Their other kisses had been chaste, sweet and so full of love, and this, this was still loving, but there was a need, a desperation. Their tongues touched for the first time and Ursa thought she’d been struck by lightning. 

They couldn’t help themselves. 

They didn’t even make it up the stairs. 

* 

It was way past midnight; Ursa was showering and Alkahest was ordering food, since, after some very aggressive stomach rumbles, they realised Ursa hadn’t eaten since this morning, before her meeting with Brynner. Or yesterday morning. Whatever.

The shower had been a bad idea in hindsight, not only did she not have any toiletries, it wasn’t like she had thought to put some pyjamas on her shift weave. And a silk suit wasn’t the most comfortable choice. Especially given that her underwear had been ruined on the stairs. (As ridiculous and impractical as it had been, she couldn’t bring herself to have any regrets however.) 

She snuck into the bedroom—our bedroom, oh my god—to rifle through Alkahest’s luggage, looking for some she could steal, but found none. With a sigh, she stole a shirt instead, praying he didn’t sleep nude— there’s no way I can handle that, omg. 

 
It wasn’t dirty, but it did smell of him, and putting it on felt like he was wrapping his arms around her. She swooned and had to lie on the bed for a moment to calm down. 
Eventually she heard a knock at the door, presumably whatever food Alkahest had ordered had turned up. She waited till she heard him shout up to head down.  
 
He did a double take when he saw her. She laughed. 

 ‘I know right, black really isn’t my colour.’ 
 
‘No, you look good, really good. Please, wear my clothes all the time.’ Turned out, he was wearing pyjamas, explaining their absence in his bags. They were, of course, black and white, but much more casual than anything she’d ever seen him in, a t-shirt and shorts, split down the middle with the colours reversed. 
 
‘Stop it, I’m starving.’ 
 
‘Stop what?’ 
 
‘Looking at me like that.’ 
 
‘Oh, sorry, can’t help it.’ 
 
He didn’t look sorry. Not as he pulled her close.  
 
‘I mean it.’ She insisted with a laugh.  
 
He kissed her anyway.  
 
When she pulled away, she laughed again, spying the take away spread out on the coffee table.  
 
‘Hey, I thought it was supposed to be me bringing you baozi?’ 
 
‘Yeah, well, a stranger brought us both baozi, so we’re good.’ He smiled, a little shyly. ‘I’m uh, happy you remembered.’ 
 
‘Like I don’t have all our texts committed to memory. I didn’t need to show Titania my phone, I probs could’ve just quoted some at her haha’ she frowned. ‘Oh, sorry, uh, everyone at the trial had to read our texts. It was as bad as it sounds. Cat Shit was not happy, to put it lightly.’ 
 
Alkahest blinked before laughing. ‘It’s cool, I don’t think I came on too strong so I still seem like a mysterious badass.’ He winked at her. 
 
‘Unlike me. Omg. I came on WAY too strong.’ 
 
‘Nah, I mean, I still had to ask Strych at several points if you were, uh, interested. Though that was more me than, uh, you.’ 
 
‘Strych’s put up with a LOT the past few weeks, huh?’ 
 
‘A metric fuckin’ ton.’ 
 
Her stomach gurgled as the smell of the dumplings hit her nose.  
 
‘Right, stop being cute, I mean it.’ 
 
‘Don’t think I’ve ever been called cute before, but ok.’ He let her go, and plopped down on the sofa, grinning up at her.  
 
‘Should I get cutlery?’ 
 
He picked up some chopsticks and clacked them at her as a reply.  
 
‘Oh.’ 
 
‘It’s cool, I can teach you.’ He patted the seat next to him. As she sat next to him cautiously, he took her hands so gently she was scared she might set on fire.  
 
‘Here, so you hold the upper chopstick like, uh, a pencil?  Right now, get the second one, put it, yeah, there, and your thumb—yeah! Like that! Then when you want to move it…’ 
 
She could barely tell what he was saying. Her heart was beating too fast.  
 
‘And worst-case scenario, just stab ’em!’ He grinned at her.  
 
She tentatively tried it, taking some time to make sure she held them properly, and, to both of their surprises, she managed to pick up a dumpling first try. 
 
‘Omg, thank you.’ 

‘Clearly had a good teacher.’ He said with a wicked grin and they both laughed and tucked in. Ursa couldn’t really say what they chatted about; she was lost in a fuzzy haze. She just knew it was comfortable and warm.  
 

‘Hey, uh, sorry about the stairs.’ Alkahest says eventually, when the conversation had puttered out a little, staring intently at anywhere but her. 
 
She choked before laughing, more nervously than she had intended. ‘Omg, what? Why? Was that not good for you?’ 
 
‘No, I didn’t mean that!’ He turned back to face her, cheeks beet-red, ‘Fuck, that was better than I’d ever imagined, I just… There are certain stereotypes… about demon sex…’ He had to look away again. ‘I don’t want you to think I’m proving them right.’ 
 
Ursa blinked. ‘Stereotypes?’ 
 
Alkahest blushed even harder. ‘You don’t know anything about Outsiders, oh fuck, uh, well, y’know, it might just be a fulcrum thing, humans have weird ideas about demons and what they should be summoned for and… And I was a bit… full on back there…’ 
 
‘Omg please, if you’d been able to keep your hands off me, I would’ve been disappointed! Cause it’s not like I can keep mine off you.’ She reached out for his leg for emphasis. ‘And anyway, I bet there’s a load of weird changeling stuff you don’t know about so we’re cool?’ she paused. ‘Changeling culture is actually so weird, I’ve never had to actually explain it to someone, it might take a while.’ 
 
‘Yeah? Real weird shit?’ 
 
‘Well, uh…’ She could feel the blush creep up her neck as he looked at her expectantly. ‘I can’t get pregnant so, uh, that’s one worry off your mind?’ 
 
He looked more worried than ever.  
 
‘I uh, oh god, I hadn’t even thought, ok, so, that’s a Changeling thing, huh?’ He replied, his voice an octave or two higher than normal.  
 
She couldn’t help but laugh. ‘Yeah, there’s this whole stigma about making babies with other races; the world where my Baba was from said it was because a mixed Changeling only had a finite number of changes and would eventually be stuck in one form forever, but every world seems to have their own version. On my Tata’s side, they say it’s because the babies can’t hold their form and just kind of… liquefy, which is super grim. So yeah, at a young age, we get taught how to change up our insides, temporarily sterilise ourselves.’ 
 
Alkahest nodded with wide eyes. ‘Woah.’ He was quiet for a moment. ‘So, does every world have a different Verslovian ritual?’  
 
‘Ah.’ She flushed. He’d caught her off guard with that. ‘No. It’s normally the same. There are a couple of worlds where it’s like… the actual marriage ceremony, but its normally just a courtship/engagement jam.’ She laughed, not quite able to look at him. ‘Fun fact, it’s how my parents got together.’ Her face fell. ‘Oh god, you’ll have to meet my parents, they’ll hate you.’ She put her hands over her mouth. ‘Omg, not in a nasty way, you’re just not a changeling—’ 
 
‘It’s alright, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.’ He said with a laugh, putting his arm around her, helping himself to his last dumpling. ‘I guess, I just gotta ask if you… do you want to be… engaged?’ 
 
Ursa felt the lightning through her again. Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she wrestled with her answer. She was shaking.  
 
‘I…’  Surely he couldn’t just ask her that???  
 
‘I mean, I dunno how, uh, binding the ritual is, but there’s no pressure. And there’s no wrong answer,’ he reassured her, ‘I just wanna know where your head’s at.’ 

His kindness hurt her, she shifted uncomfortably under his arm. ‘It’s not…’ She couldn’t look at him, her face flushing. She was not good at talking about her feelings. ‘Look I…’ Deep sigh. ‘OK, so… it’s kinda the other way round.’ 

‘Eh?’ 

‘Like you’re worried I’m not… But it’s…’ The words weren’t coming, her mouth was dry. A building frustration in her chest. ‘Oh my god, why is this so hard?’ 

‘It’s ok,’ he said, rubbing her arm gently. The frustration turned to fire. She turned to him, her little fists clenched. 

‘Ok, so… full disclosure, I am… terrified, to put it mildly, for, uh, lots of reasons; baggage, still not sure if this is real, don’t want to mess up this… insane, amazing thing I’ve managed to luck into… So, I want to… I want to say like… ‘Hell yeah, sign me up’… But I’m so… scared.’ She looked into his face, she couldn’t quite manage his eyes. ‘I’m like… stupidly, scarily into you… And that’s terrifying too because I’ve never been into romance and what, I meet you and suddenly I’m a lovesick idiot?’ 

‘I don’t think you’re an idiot.’ He said quietly, chuckling. 

‘Look, I just used to be able to control myself.’ That made him laugh. ‘Anyway, you’ve like… completely turned my world upside down and… Not even in a bad way? Like, I wouldn’t change any of this… I mean, ok, it would have been better if a building hadn’t exploded on you—’ 

‘Oh, that was just Nora and Merlin, I was fillin’ the tank.’ 

‘Oh. Well, y’know what I mean, I just…’ She finally managed eye contact. ‘Fuck it. Yeah. I really want to be, uh, engaged with you. That’s not the right term but, whatever this is, whatever it ends up as, I’m here for it. I can’t promise that I’ll uh, be good at it, but I’m… I mean, even if this isn’t real then I gotta just… go for it? Just in case. If I mess up, I promise I’ll do my best to fix it? And if you’re not into it… at least I can say I was honest?’ She hesitated. ‘Please be, uh, into it though, I don’t think I can take saying all that if you’re like ‘actually, let’s just be casual and go at a normal pace you freak’ Oh no.’ 

‘Do I seem like a casual kinda guy?’ 

‘Well, I mean, compared to me? I’m extra as fuck.’ 

‘Look, thank you.’ He squeezed her hand. ‘For being honest. I’m glad I’m still someone you feel you can talk to.’ He fidgeted. ‘I’m, uh, pretty scared too. Don’t tell anyone, it’ll ruin my badass image.’ He waggled his eyebrows at her, and she couldn’t help but giggle. ‘But, uh, I’m into it, you don’t have to worry. If I had to do that whole ritual again, without the whole our lives and freedom being on the line, obviously, I’d do it all over again in a heartbeat. You wanna go to, uh, Vegas? Get hitched right now? I mean, I can’t teleport so we’d have to buy tickets? That would take ages. Y’know what I mean.’ 

‘I’m more of an unbreakable blood pact kinda girl, to be fair.’ 

‘Hey, don’t joke about that, Strych 100% knows at least one.’  

They both laughed. Ursa’s fists weren’t clenched anymore. 

‘Ok, no more blood pact jokes, if you don’t joke about re-doing the ritual again; non-magical Verslovian is a fucking slog.’ 

‘I’m guessing you normally get more than one hour?’ 

‘Well, my Tata got eight months.’ 

‘WHAT’ 

‘Yeah, you can get up to a month for each persona you have to find. Mama thought it would put him off when he found out but, nope! He ended up doing it in five!’ 

‘Your mother has eight personas?’ 

‘Yeah, that’s not normal by the way, she’s really weird. Actually, my whole family’s really weird, you might regret signing up for this.’ 

His smile was warm and cheeky. ‘Nah, I don’t think I will.’ 

Ursa couldn’t respond, so instead she leaned over to reach their bottles of pop—apparently the take away only had off-brand diet coke—and handed one to him. 

‘To us. On our engagement.’ 

‘I’ll drink to that.’ 

They clinked their plastic bottles together and took a drink simultaneously. 

When they finally decided to go to bed, Alkahest decided he was going to carry her up, despite her protests – ‘Hey, I need to prove this is something I can actually do if you’re not, y’know, distracting me.’—and they fell into bed, shattered. 

‘You better be here when I wake up.’ Ursa mumbled, pushing back into him, craning to get a final look at his face before she fell asleep, sighing as his arms tightened around her. 

‘Like you could get rid of me that easy.’ He said with a soft laugh, kissing her head as they drifted off. 

* 

Much to Ursa’s delight, he was still there when she woke up in the morning. Also, to her delight, he had brought her pastries and coffee. 

It certainly made up for the early hour. They had a lot to do today, after all. Before they left, he set off what looked like a flea bomb. 

‘This should get rid of all the cat hair, but, uh, we should get out sharp-ish. I’ll probs be fine with the fumes, but it’s pretty deadly for humans.’ 

‘Not a human, remember?’ she laughed. 

‘Yeah, but you’re pretending to be one; it’s just magic, it’s not fussy.’ 

First port of call was retrieving Ursa’s stuff out of storage; not that there was much. It was mostly filming equipment, a suitcase full of clothes, a box of dvd’s and comics and finally her precious coffee machine. Alkahest’s eyes had bulged when he saw it. 

‘What the fuck is that?’ 

‘It’s my coffee machine, be nice to it, it used to be my only friend.’ 

‘A fucking behemoth, is what it is.’ He laughed. ‘I hadn’t pegged you for a cafephile, to coin another stupid word.’ 

‘I’m not, I mean, I like coffee, I practically live off it, but I’m not like Merlin, I just…’ She patted the machine lovingly. ‘I have an emotional attachment.’ 

‘Do you have like, mugs and cutlery and stuff? Alkahest asked suddenly, frowning. 

Ursa flushed and fibbed about having to get rid of it, embarrassed that she hadn’t had enough to warrant keeping, and it had all been whatever she could get cheapest from the Charity Shop. It’s not like you could really entertain in a studio apartment when most of the room was rigged to be film sets! 

Alkahest didn’t seem to pick up on it though, and they stopped off for essentials at a HomeSense on the way back. His essentials were quite different to hers, however. 

‘Do you really need a mortar and pestle?’ asked Ursa, balking a little at the price of everything, nervously checking her bank balance. 

‘Of course, I need a mortar and pestle, haven’t you ever made your own spice blend before?’ 

‘…No?’ 

He scoffed, shaking his head. ‘I’m gonna make you so much nice food. Its gonna blow your mind.’ 

He insisted on paying for everything, despite Ursa’s protests. When she mentioned sending him money, or rent, he just put his arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head with a laugh. 

‘Don’t worry about that, ok?’ 

Which was a confusing answer, but she dropped it, for now. 

When they got home—a clean, cat hair-free home—he sorted out the kitchen stuff and she went upstairs to unpack her things, which ended up being surprisingly emotional. She hadn’t had a wardrobe since she’d lived with her parents. There was a lump in her throat that wouldn’t go away. 

Eventually she gave up and, after changing her outfit—pink dungarees with a cat face on and a white t-shirt—she headed down, to see Alkahest struggling with the coffee machine. 

‘Do you need some help?’ she asked cheekily. 

Alkahest grimaced at her. ‘The behemoth has defeated me.’ 

‘Here, let me.’ 

With a practiced hand, Ursa had the coffee machine connected and up and running within five minutes, although she had used her Mage Hand for the fiddly bits. 

‘Wow. Now you gotta test to see if it’s working.’ 

‘Is that your way of asking for a latte?’ 

He jangled the milk at her cheerily. ‘There a story behind this monster? Did you find it by the side of the road and adopt it?’ 

She hesitated. ‘It’s a really long story, I don’t wanna bore you.’ 

He shrugged. ‘I doubt you could ever bore me.’ 

That made her heart flutter. 

‘Ok, so… When I first moved to Middlemarch, after college, I moved in with some friends and they got me a job at Starbucks. It was part-time, so I had time for videos, I launched the SleepyyBear channel and everything was going great.’ 

‘Uh oh.’ said Alkahest ominously, as he leant against the counter. 

‘Yeah… So, TLDR, Leto broke up with me and it really fucked me up. She wanted… well, I figured out it wasn’t me she was in love with but some weird Ursa she’d concocted in her head, who would get a proper job and stop being silly, but y’know, still be artsy and quirky enough to show off to her boring lawyer friends.’ 

‘Oof.’ 

‘Yeah I… I mean, it was a relief, I love to not be negged every day but…’ She sighed. ‘It was my first breakup and I really didn’t handle it well… My friends tried to help… There was a guy from college who worked there too, Matti, and apparently, he’d always had a crush on me…’ 

‘Never a good idea.’ 

‘Yeah, I’ve learnt that now… Anyway, they set us up and I figured, well surely it can’t hurt any worse than what’s going on right now… Oh boy, was I wrong… It was awful, I felt so shit, I was just up in my own head, could barely hold a conversation. I ended up cutting it short after an hour. I tried to explain, y’know, I’m all fucked up from Leto, it’s 100% me, not you, let’s just stay friends and maybe try again when I’m not… y’know…’ 

Ursa paused but it was more because she was steaming the milk which was really fucking loud. 

‘Well, we didn’t stay friends. To put it mildly. I don’t know exactly what he told people, but something along the lines of ‘the date went great and we had sex but then she turned around and laughed saying it was a pity fuck’.’ 

‘What the fuck?’ 

‘Yeah, I know right? My ‘friends’ took his side, they were super pissed off and, they made an excuse, but they basically told me I had two weeks to move out.’ 

‘Fuck.’ 

‘Yeah, I didn’t have much money saved so I ended up in a bed sit— oh god, it was awful, I can’t get into it, I still have nightmares about living there— but anyways, things at work got really stressful because everyone hated me and they kept giving me warnings and disciplinaries for stuff I hadn’t done and eventually…’ She put down their mugs on the table and sat herself down, patting the chair beside her. Alkahest sat in it sharpish, holding her hands tightly. 

‘Eventually, I get called into the office, and its super clear I’m about to be fired. And I got so, so, so mad. I, um, actually charmed someone for the first time… And I made him explain what was going on. Basically, the whole staff wanted me gone and had starting to threaten to quit if I wasn’t fired… It’d be easier to replace one person than eight and I was the newest so… Well, I decided to quit instead. Fucking sucked, I worked in a call centre for a bit after that, I needed money to get out of that fucking bed sit and it was just… miserable… I kept trying to talk to Matti too, trying to understand why he’d got everyone to turn on me, but he wouldn’t say anything except about how I broke his heart and totally crushed him… UGH.’ She looked at him before frowning again. ‘Sorry, that was really long winded and—’ 

‘So, how does the coffee machine factor in?’ Alkahest asked. 

Ursa flushed, looking uncomfortable. 

‘Oh, well…’ 

Alkahest raised his eyebrows. 

‘So, my manager was still charmed and I was feeling a little salty and I knew they’d just ordered a new machine so I asked very nicely if I could have the old one as a leaving present.’ Ursa was looking very intently at the ceiling. ‘If I had known they’d have to shut for three days since the other one broke after I left and the new one got delayed well…’ She hesitated. ‘No, actually, I probably still would have done it…’ 

‘HA!’ He laughed loudly. ‘Those fuckers, they got what they deserved.’ 

Ursa couldn’t say anything, sipping her latte, cheeks burning. He squeezed her hand, taking a long drink from his mug. 

‘This is really good; those assholes don’t know what they’re missing.’ His grip was too tight on her hand but she squeezed back gratefully, leaning over to give him a shy kiss. 

‘Thanks, Alkahest.’ She whispered, looking up at him through her lashes, ‘I’ve never told anyone that before.’ 

He pulled up her chin gently, kissing her so softly. He cleared his throat. ‘Stop being so cute, we’ve still got stuff to do right?’ 

Ursa giggled without meaning to. ‘Yeah, I need to check my PO boxes, I gotta send some thank you presents, got some site maintenance, social media shit, call my parents then get ready for our date.’ She blinked innocently. ‘Where are we going? I kinda need to plan my outfit! I finally wanna look like a 10 for you, y’know!’ 

Alkahest barked out a laugh. ‘You’re always a solid 12, don’t worry.’ 

‘Incorrect, I have maybe pushed a 7? At best? Like I looked kinda cute in Ikea but then I was gored by a minotaur and barfed everywhere, no idea how you were so flirty, I was like, maybe a 4, if we’re being generous. And fair enough, I looked nice to go see Strych, but if I’d known you’d be there I’d have worn something much nicer. And ok, my suit from yesterday was banging but you, uh, also saw my base form which is like… negative one.’ 

‘Nah, nah, nah, your base form is way cuter than you think. It’s just like a… different pallet? A shiny version?’ He cupped her cheek, brushing her hair behind her ear. ‘Obviously this Ursa is my favourite, but give yourself more credit.’ 

Ursa couldn’t reply, too overwhelmed – no one had even seen her base form in years, let alone ever said it was cute, and the knowledge that Alkahest knew about Pokémon was very exciting – so she just leaned into his hand with a sigh. 

They stayed like that for a moment, just gazing at each other, his thumb stroking her cheek softly, their hands still touching on the table. Eventually she sighed again, happily, turning to kiss his palm. 

‘Wanna get lunch while we’re out?’ 

He grinned wolfishly as a reply. 

* 

Ursa showed him her favourite burrito place and they gorged themselves. She was a little worried that where ever they ended up on this date she’d be too full; her normal diet consisted of coffee, pot noodles and pierogi mainly. 

Alkahest was still a little skittish being in public, her own heart clenched uncomfortably when they passed anyone looking vaguely fae adjacent. He actually growled at a faun who stared for slightly too long, making her squeal and bolt in the opposite direction. Ursa felt a little guilty, she had definitely just been checking him out, and who could blame her?? 

He was wearing a slightly more casual outfit, white jeans, black t-shirt, his white leather jacket and some black boots. Ursa felt herself swoon every time she looked at him, it was no surprise the general public noticed too. She squeezed his hand, holding onto his arm, feeling very lucky. 

She sent her customary muffin basket to Cepheus, with a little note expressing her gratitude and a little message to Emva about how much she was missed. Brynner was more difficult. She settled on flowers, a big bright orange bouquet with teal accents and a rather lengthy letter expressing her deepest gratitude and offering to maybe meet up and chat about future collaborations. Alkahest had to talk her out of trying to send Queen Titania a thank you present, claiming it would maybe look bad. 

‘You just got away with murder, looks suspicious if you send the judge flowers afterwards.’ 

‘Hey, you did the actual murder, I’m totally innocent.’ 

‘It was self-defence.’ 

‘Bullshit.’ 

The florist gave them a weird look. 

The PO boxes were fairly standard, Saubra had received some items for videos ‘A candle that smells like- what??’ and much to her delight, her Sleepyybear channel had gotten its first fan mail. She did a little dance of happiness, giving Alkahest a big hug as she squealed. 

As they walked back to the car, Ursa finally dared to ask something she’d been mulling over. 

‘Hey, do you have any plans tomorrow?’ She tried to sound casual and did not succeed. 

‘Hmmmm,’ he made a thoughtful noise, and Ursa felt very nervous all of a sudden, ‘the extent of my plans is to spend it with you.’ 

He grinned at her and she wobbled a little as her heart exploded, or melted—she wasn’t sure which.  

‘I was wondering if you’d wanna have a movie day, with me? Maybe I could show you the Lord of the Rings films?’ She asked shyly. 

‘Well, I guess that depends.’ He said unsurely, and Ursa’s mouth went dry, of course he doesn’t want to, who wants to sit next to me for twelve hours while I geek out— ‘Do you have all three extended editions?’ he asked with a laugh. 

She actually stopped walking as she looked up at him very seriously.  

‘Of course, I do. I even have them on blu-ray.’ 

He whistles. ‘Damn, blu-ray.’ They start walking again. ‘So, what was it you said, blanket fort, popcorn?’ 

‘Or movie snacks of your choice, don’t feel limited to popcorn.’ She said quickly. ‘And obvs, still need some proper food, I was thinking pastries for breakfast—oh or maybe pancakes since we had pastries this morning? – maybe like a chauterie kinda thing lunchish and maybe take out for the final stretch? If we’re still hungry anyway.’ She looked up at him, blushing. ‘If that’s ok with you?’ 

He put his arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him ‘I defer to your expert judgement. Should we get supplies now? Ready for tomorrow?’ 

He had just stopped them outside of a Sainsbury’s. 

‘Yeah! Good idea!’ 

‘Do we do like a drinking game?’ Alkahest asked as they headed in. 

‘Could do, but its best to just do it for the last film, or else you end up totally sloshed by the battle of helm’s deep.’ 

Alkahest nodded like he knew what she meant. 

* 

When they got home – Ursa absolutely loved calling it home, it was already more ‘home-like’ than her old apartment – and after putting all the shopping away, she started to set up her laptop on the sofa when Alkahest took her by the hand, pulling her up. 

‘I really do have a lot of admin to catch up on.’ Ursa joked, still a little worn out from this morning. 

‘No, it’s not—well I mean, no, no, get your mind out the gutter!’ 

She stuck her tongue out at him playfully. 

He led her up the stairs, stopping in front of two doors Ursa hadn’t opened yet. She’d only been in their bedroom and the bathroom so far; she hadn’t even asked what they were. 

‘So, uh, this one I use as my office,’ he opened the closest door to reveal a painted grey office, looking very unused. ‘Or rather, I planned to use it as my office if I were ever here, which, I am now so, uh, anyway,’ He seemed nervous, ‘but I just thought, if you wanted to y’know, there’s the spare room?’ He opened the second door, which led into a room painted white with a plain double bed, bedside table and lamp, ‘I don’t, I mean, I’ve never had people round, it’s a safe house, that would be weird.’ 

‘And you’re—what was it you said? —an anti-establishment loner?’ Ursa said cheekily, smiling as she made him laugh. 

‘Yeah, something like that. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, it’s yours. If you, uh, want it. As a studio, office, I dunno if its big enough but hell, use it as a walk-in wardrobe if you want?’ 

She blinked at him, having gone totally rigid. 

‘Wait, what?’ 

‘Yeah, I mean, we’ll get you some different furniture, obviously? Although I dunno if I’m ready to go back to an ikea yet.’ 

‘Are you serious?’ 

He looked at her, partly confused, partly concerned. ‘Yeah? I mean, if you don’t want to, that’s fine too.’ 

‘No, I—I…’ There were suddenly tears streaming down her face. 

‘Woah, hey, its ok!’ Alkahest panicked, pulling her into a big hug as she started to sob. 

‘S-sorry, I’m just—this is just…’ 

He stroked her head worriedly. ‘Yeah, it’s been a stressful few days, you must be overwhelmed.’ 

‘No! I mean, yeah, but, I’m…’ She pulled away to smile up at him, eyes glistening. ‘I’m so fucking happy!’ She laughed, pulling him down into a kiss. ‘I’ve never had someone in my corner before, it feels really good. I can’t believe this is real, holy shit.’ She suddenly looked serious. ‘This is real, right?’ 

He laughed too, looking relieved. ‘I meant what I said, we’re in this together. I wanna support the stuff you care about, I already know you’d do the same for me, though hopefully the next meeting I drag you too is less eventful. And your YouTube stuff is cool.’ 

She pulled him down into another kiss, feeling gleeful laughter bubble in her chest, feeling the smile on his lips. Was every day going to feel like this? Like the happiest she had ever been? 

‘Oh my god, is this what a good relationship feels like???’ she asked, head tipping back with laughter. 

‘I dunno, I’ve never had one either.’ He replied with a laugh. ‘I’m gonna go with yes though, I think we’re good.’ He leaned down to kiss her, and she had to clutch at his shoulders, her legs turning to jelly. When he pulled away, she couldn’t help but whine in disappointment. ‘I know you said you had some stuff to be getting on with but, uh, I did book the table for seven.’ He said sheepishly. 

She quickly pulled out her 8 and grimaced. 

‘You might have to settle for an 8 today.’ 

* 

Alkahest was sat on the sofa, unable to stop his leg from rattling, unable to keep still. He was nervous. He kept telling himself he shouldn’t be, they were way past first date stuff, she wasn’t going to go off him, or get a bad first impression. They were engaged for fuck’s sake. But still. A first date is a first date. Even after all the shit they’d been through. He was good at adrenaline and high stakes and big speeches. Romancing and dinners and first dates? Not so much. 

Obviously, he was good at flirting. And they had a kind of natural chemistry. Their earlier texts proved that; he had liked to read through them when he was locked down at Strych’s, savouring every message. He still liked to read them now. But texting was easier than talking, there was a disassociation, it was easy to get too personal over text. He felt much clumsier in person. 

But he kept telling himself it was ok; they knew each other pretty well now! He didn’t have to worry about reeling her in, she was already hooked! But that just left a dark pit in his stomach. He knew her, yes, but there was still a lot he hadn’t told her. A lot of stuff that she wouldn’t like. The brutality of his past was gnawing away at him. He kept replaying what she had said earlier, about them having a ‘good’ relationship, the word like an anchor, weighing him down. He wasn’t good. In any sense of the word.  

If she finds out what you did for the winter court, she’ll— 

‘Hey, you ok?’ Ursa asked gently. 

Alkahest jumped a little bit, twisting round to see her; he hadn’t even heard her come down the stairs. His dark worries suddenly dissipated as he looked at her, and his mind went completely blank. He stood up quickly, too quickly, he almost stumbled; he suddenly felt like one of those teenage boys in a cheesy romcom, scrabbling for something to say but mostly just blushing. 

‘I thought you were kidding.’ He croaked finally. ‘About the ten thing.’ 

She laughed. ‘This’ll be the first time you’ve seen me in a dressy-dress, what do you think?’ she did a little twirl, showing off her outfit. Alkahest couldn’t find any words. 

She always wore makeup, but somehow, she looked so much prettier? Her lashes were fuller, cheeks rosier; her lips were a bold red. Her hair wasn’t in the usual buns, she’d curled it, he’d guess, and there was a little plait going round the sides, but they weren’t tight curls, they were loose and cascading around her. There was a lot of glitter. 

The dress was white, flared out at the waist slightly, with a layer of gauzy, transparent white fabric on top, embroidered with strawberries. It had little drapes instead of sleeves, he had no idea what you’d call them, and corset detailing up the front. She had little white boots on, that had hearts for heels and little red heart charms on the zips. But as she twirled, what he had thought to be red tights, were revealed to be red socks or holdups, or whatever— he had no idea anymore– and if his mind was blank before, it was completely empty now. 

He managed to pull her close without his legs completely buckling. ‘You wanna stay in?’ he asked with a whisper. She laughed and he felt dizzy. Her breath ghosted his lips. 

‘Can’t have dessert before dinner.’ She purred and it took all his willpower not to just collapse at her feet. ‘Can I, could I, get a picture of us? Like a selfie?’ she asked shyly, twisting in his grip. She laughed again. ‘You do know what a selfie is right?’ 

‘Course I know what a selfie is!’ he grumbled, not mentioning that he didn’t know how to take a good one. 

Ursa got out her phone and to fit them both in, even with her heeled boots, Alkahest had to lean down. They took a few like that before he hoisted her up, grinning at her squeal of delight, so they were nearly at the same level. They carried on for a bit until they were both getting silly, pulling faces and giggling. She went to give him a kiss on the cheek but changed her mind, so he caught her lips with his. 

He’d only really gone in for a peck, but that was their problem. Neither of them could help themselves. The tension was too electric. Eventually Ursa pulled away with a gasp, and the way her lipstick had smudged just did something to him, and he leaned in for more but she pushed him away with a little laugh. 

‘I’m really sorry, I’m wearing like actual lipstick, instead of it just being a mask, you’re kinda—uh, kinda covered in it, sorry.’ 

Alkahest glanced over at the mirror in the hallway and, he had indeed got Ursa’s bold red lipstick all over his face. He made a little ‘huh’ noise. 

‘This is a good colour for me.’  

‘Hell yeah, you’re super-hot.’ Ursa said with a laugh, jumping down. ‘I think I have tissues?’ 

‘I’ll just go, uh, wash my face.’ He kissed her again, as she rifled in her bag for tissues. ‘You should, uh, you’ve got some-‘ 

‘Oh my god, yeah!’ she laughed, wiping her own face. ‘What are we like, eh?’ 

He smiled ruefully at her. ‘Yeah.’ 

* 

They managed to get to the restaurant by seven fifteen, so all in all, they did quite well. Ursa hadn’t been able to contain her excitement on the walk over. Not only was he taking her for sushi – she had dreamed about this moment so many times since he had first suggested it—it was finally their first date! But they were already a thing so she got to hold his hand on the walk over. She hadn’t realised she’d be the kind of sappy that would get so excited about hand holding. But here she was, having the time of her life. 

She felt over the moon when they got there and they practically had the place to themselves, there was a human-looking couple in the corner and a lone elf sat at the bar. They did a double take when the two of then walked in, but Ursa put it down to how hot a couple they made—she had already made one of their selfies her lock screen and background, she kept looking at it and swooning—she was going to have a good night, any nerves over fae be damned. 

They were seated, ordered some drinks—Ursa stuck to non-alcoholic for now since she had a very low tolerance and if anyone thought she was loud and extra sober, well, she only got louder and more extra—and when the waiter walked away, that’s when Ursa’s nerves really kicked in. 

Luckily, Alkahest’s nerves seemed to have done the same and they both smiled at each other shyly. 

‘Are you nervous?’ he asked. 

‘Oh my god yeah,’ Ursa laughed, ‘I think, less nervous than I would have been a few days ago, but my brain is just screaming ‘it’s your first date’ like over and over again.’ 

‘Less nervous?’ 

‘Yeah, I mean, the trial was a bad time, but at least now I don’t have to worry about coming on too strong or overstepping.’ She grinned at him. ‘I’ve already done all that.’ 

‘I actually think you don’t come on strong enough.’ 

‘I suppose I was a bit overwhelmed at the actual trial.’ Ursa laughed. ‘I was trying so hard to convince everyone I did the murder and then Cat Shit was after me and then, omg when you burst in and—I’ve mentioned how much I loved that right?’ 

‘What, me turning up?’ 

‘I mean, yeah, but also, I mean, it started off as like, the worst day of my life and then my crush turned up and declared his love for me and also saved my life sooooooooo, yeah haha!’ 

‘Ha, yeah I was a bit bolder than usual, y’know, for drama,’ 

‘Fair.’ 

‘But… I’d been avoiding reading into stuff, y’know, in case you didn’t feel the same, but, uh -‘ 

‘A bit hard to avoid after I kissed you?’ 

‘There’s that, but, kinda hard to deny that someone likes you if they sacrifice themselves to the fae court for you.’  

Ursa flushed. ‘Also, true. I really didn’t fool any of you, did I? Gotta get better at lying.’ 

‘Nah, I’m glad. Really glad. This has all been a nightmare but, I can’t argue with the end result.’ He thought for a moment. ‘I mean, we would have ended up here eventually. I wasn’t gonna let you get away.’ 

‘Me neither.’ 

They both smiled ruefully at each other. Ursa felt like she’d managed to cheat life somehow, skipping ahead. 

‘So, in terms of first dates, when was your last one? Are you as rusty as I am?’ She asked after a moment. 

‘Rustier. Last one, like a proper one was, uh, Strych in… the late 90’s? Not sure. No one since anyway.’ 

‘Oh jeeze, I assumed you’d be like, fending off interested partners.’ 

‘Anti-establishment loner, remember?’ He laughed before saying thoughtfully, ‘There’s been some offers, I went for drinks with a cute Incubus once, and I think I had a one-night stand with a Siren—still not sure if that was real or just brain fuckery—but, anyway, even with Panacea in the infernomicon I just wasn’t that interested. Wanted to focus on my work, y’know?’ 

‘I bet that was easier with her not around.’ 

‘Well, not really,’ He said with a sigh ‘she’d already made a name for herself, it’s an uphill battle as soon as anyone figures out its me, not her.’ He sighed. ‘I had to fight tooth and nail just to get that meeting with Erabu, and if you hadn’t been there…’ 

‘Good thing I was, eh?’ 

Grinning toothily at her, he squeezed her hand, only moving away as the waiter came to take their order. Ursa hadn’t even looked at the menu yet. 

But Alkahest had them covered, ordering one of pretty much everything. 

‘Look,’ he explained, ‘Sushi is like Tapas, there’s no point if you can’t have a bit of everything.’ He looked a little awkward. ‘Sorry, I don’t wanna seem like that kinda douchebag who orders for you. I just really wanna eat everything.’ 

Ursa just shrugged, trying her best not to fall even more in love with him. ‘No such thing as too much sushi.’ 

The waiter didn’t seem as amused, but left with their order anyway. 

‘So, I definitely guessed right about the foodie thing.’ Ursa stated with a giddy smile, resting her chin on her hand. 

‘Oh, hell yeah.’ 

‘Do you cook much? Or is it just the eating part you like?’ 

‘I can cook, not had much chance to recently. Strych doesn’t like food in their house, and I am nothing if not a respectful guest.’ 

Ursa blinked a couple of times. ‘Does Strych not eat?’ 

‘Nah, they’ll sometimes have tea, especially, uh, lapsang souchong, the smoky one, but they’re not interested in digestion most of the time.’ He stopped to think, leaning back in his chair. ‘Big reason why we didn’t work out, to be fair.’ 

Ursa remembered an earlier conversation with Rembra and, feeling out of her depth, asked carefully, ‘Do demons… not need to eat?’ 

‘Oh. Uh. Kinda? Not always. Some fiends don’t. I just like to. A lot. Some get actual energy and stuff from other sources. That’s why Strych’s house is so smoky, they’re a smoke demon.’ 

‘So, uh, what do you need? If not food? Do you sleep? Obviously, you sleep? Maybe you sleep?’ she asked, trying her best not to sound too manic. 

He laughed. ‘I like a nap, yeah, I don’t need much though. I’m a shadow demon uh, being in light ‘recharges’ me, the act of casting a shadow, I guess. Panacea’s the opposite. Needs complete darkness. The whole, can’t see fireworks during the day, a candle only burns bright in the night, yadda yadda.’ 

‘Oh, fair, fair!’ 

‘Man, they really don’t teach you much about outsiders at the institute, huh?’ 

‘I mean, to be fair, you guys weren’t supposed to be at ikea, we were way out of our depth. But also, no, not at all. Do you mind if I ask you something else? This is more personal, sorry.’ 

‘I mean, that’s what first dates are for, right?’ 

‘I know you said Panacea was your twin, do you have… other family? I don’t really know much about fiendish family structure, or anything apparently, ha ha.’ 

‘I mean, there’s no set family structure, most fiends won’t really have families. Most true outsiders are more uh, naturally occurring. Bubbling out of the primordial chaos of the universe kinda thing. Pan and I were… how do I describe it…’ He ponders for a second, tapping his glass with his nails. ‘Like, a hazard demon? Trap demon? Dunno what the official term is.’ When he saw Ursa’s blank expression he tried to elaborate. ‘Y’know in a haunted house movie and the house is just evil or possessed?’ 

‘Yeah?’ 

‘Kinda like that, but a derelict slaughter house in New York. We were the shadows and beams of light, preying on urban explorers and stuff. Uh, not that we were doing it consciously, kinda like a venus fly trap, it doesn’t know it’s killing shit, it’s just gotta eat. Although, I guess the people just dissolved or something, ‘cause we didn’t have mouths or anything.’ He shook his head. ‘Still can’t believe I went nearly two hundred years without a mouth.’ 

Ursa tried her best to keep a neutral face, unsure of what to do with this information. 

‘So, you both worked together, that’s nice?’ 

‘I guess? It was more of a… symbiotic thing? I don’t think it was a conscious decision, more survival instinct than anything, but I dunno, my memory’s really hazy, the whole ‘not sentient’ biz.’ 

‘So, when did you, uh, I guess digivolve?’ 

‘Oh, uh, yeah this kid got dared to come in, we were… y’know… chasing him…’ He seemed a little uncomfortable, shifting in his seat nervously, ‘but he was tricksy, skidded outta the way and me and Pan kinda… collided into each other and… Well, there we stood. Two beings. Actual bodies. Brains. And mouths, fucking finally.’ He took a drink. ‘We just knew that we were in New York, it was 1986, March, and just like, the general jist of being alive. We made our humanoid bodies and went to town. Pretty literally.’ 

‘Wow.’ 

He was watching her closely, anxiously. ‘Sorry, that’s a lot to dump on you.’ 

‘No, no!’ She reached out for his hands just as he moved them away and she tittered awkwardly, embarrassed. ‘I guess I just thought it’d be like a little gremlin Alkahest and not… a literal shadow monster.’ She admitted, immediately regretting it. He looked ashamed and Ursa felt like she’d more or less just shoved both her feet in her mouth. ‘That’s really cool though, I had no idea demons could manifest like that!’ 

‘Ha ha, yeah.’ 

‘And now I know your birthday is in March!’ 

‘Oh, I guess.’ 

‘Mine’s in September.’ She offered quietly. 

There was an awkward silence. Ursa could tell something was bothering him, but not exactly what, and that elf just would not stop staring at them and— 

‘Can I ask you something?’ 

‘Yeah, of course! Anything!’ 

He opened and closed his mouth a couple times, frowning. ‘I, uh, so… the trial? I guess, how did you manage to get Titania on our side? Just, wild, right? Ha ha.’ He didn’t laugh. 

She had a feeling that wasn’t what he had actually wanted to ask but she answered anyway. 

‘Oh, I did not get her on our side, I sucked, I was trying to… Oh boy, Cat Shit was on one. I think he wanted to get us both and he was just mean, but anyway I mentioned we had been uh, chatting after Ikea and Titania was like,’ Ursa cleared her throat for a moment before doing a pitch-perfect impression of the Fae Queen, ‘‘Oh to get your stories straight’ and I was like ‘no, obviously not, we talk about other things, you can read them’ and then, of course, she wanted to read all our texts—not my finest hour, I know—but after that, her whole attitude kinda changed? I mean, she was still scary as fuck but then she… It was so embarrassing, do you know what Queen Titania of the Summer Court, Queen of Earth and Daylight fucking asked me?’ 

‘…no?’ 

Her Titania impression came out again, although she couldn’t quite mimic the bite the Queen’s voice had had at the time. ‘Ursa Carpenter, do you like bad boys?’ she had to hide her face as she said it. 

‘NO SHE DIDN’T’ he shouted, almost leaping out of his chair. Ursa just nodded enthusiastically, cheeks burning.  

‘Yes, she fucking did AND I was in a zone of truth so I couldn’t even lie.’ 

Alkahest blinked before leaning in to whisper, ‘…Do you like bad boys?’ 

‘I couldn’t even respond; I think I just made a weird noise?’ 

‘OK, but… do you?’ He laughed. ‘I guess you must do because, well…’ He gestured at himself. 

‘I mean, I don’t think I’ve liked enough people to have preferences? Before you I only really crushed on Arwen from Lord of the Rings.’ Ursa paused. ‘Obviously I had feelings for Leto, I just didn’t really crush on her, I didn’t even realise we were dating at first so, uh, I realised that sounded bad.’ 

Ursa was also realising that first dates were perhaps not her forte. Her two other first dates hadn’t gone particularly well and, to be honest, she wasn’t doing much better with this one. And that elf kept looking over and maybe they were just watching the door waiting for someone, but it was getting her back up. Her nerves were alight. 

‘I guess the follow up question is then… what made you, uh, like me? Getting to the juicy stuff now.’ this time he did laugh, but it was almost manic. 

‘Oh, I… Uh…’ She did not want to talk about this. How the fuck could she describe the clusterfuck of emotions she had felt in Ikea without sounding like a complete psycho? ‘I mean… What wasn’t to like? Hot asshole? Ha ha!’ She took a sip of her drink, suddenly wishing she had ordered something a little stronger. That Elf was still staring too. 

‘I mean, you didn’t seem… interested at first?’ He said carefully, ‘I mean, I liked how you didn’t take any of my shit, that’s uh, what… I liked about you at first… I like… stubborn people, apparently.’ 

Oh God, he wasn’t dropping this. 

‘Oh, well, I mean… Yeah. Y’know. Hot asshole? What can I say? Um,’ The Elf had their phone out now, so hopefully that meant they would stop staring at her. The heat in her face might have set the whole restaurant on fire if it was allowed to spark for much longer. ‘You were just, y’know… there? Being hot? And… Yeah. Then you weren’t just hot, you were nice—’ 

‘Nice?’ He looked as if she had just slapped him. 

‘Yeah, with the, hair holding, puking, when I was… barfing everywhere, and… then…’ The Elf had not been distracted by their phone, like Ursa had hoped, they were now taking pictures of them, and had conveniently left the flash on. They seemed embarrassed, fiddling with it before they looked back at Ursa. Their eyes met. Ursa’s anxiety turned white hot. ‘Sorry, I’ve just got to-!’ and she ripped herself out of her seat and marched over to the Elf. 

‘Hi, hello, I’m Ursa, you already know that, clearly, why are you taking pictures of, uh, my partner and me? If you’re from the Summer Court, we sorted all that, there’s no need to try and poison us or anything!’ 

The Elf had the decency to look at least a little sheepish. ‘Oh dear, I’m dreadfully sorry, I had hoped to be more discreet. I’m not here about the trial, I’ve um, been sent by Queen Titania to… well, let her know how your first date is going.’ 

Ursa was stumped. ‘What?’ 

‘Perhaps we’ll go discuss it with Alkahest, you should both hear this.’ 

‘What?’ Ursa said again as the Elf got up and led her back to her table. 

‘I can’t believe how cute you look, you really pulled all the stops out, I bet he can’t keep his hands off you!’ the Elf laughed. 

‘What?’ 

They got back to Ursa’s table and Alkahest was looking a little raw; he stood up as they approached, a growl in the back of his throat. ‘Everything ok?’ 

Ursa pulled her chair next to his, sitting down, squeezing his hand tightly. ‘This is, uh, sorry, I didn’t get your name.’ 

‘I’ll introduce myself.’ If the Elf was bothered by the lack of seating, they didn’t say anything. ‘My name is Algernon, he/him, thank you, and I am Queen Titania’s personal Investment Investigator.’ 

Alkahest sat down, glaring at the elf suspiciously. ‘You’re her what?’ 

‘Our radiant Summer Queen enjoys the stories of others and likes to keep tabs on those she is personally invested in.’ 

Ursa looked over at Alkahest, absolutely horrified. ‘Omg, she ships us.’ 

‘And when you say, she keeps tabs, what does that entail?’ Alkahest asked with a snarl, his grip on her hand so tight, the kind of tight that would be dangerous if it found someone’s neck. All she could do was squeeze back just as hard. 

Even Algernon seemed a little taken back. ‘Well normally she simply scrys on those, but, uh, she’s had some trouble, especially with you, Alkahest. We’ve had to resort to other methods.’ 

Alkahest instinctively reached to his chest, where Ursa had no doubt the Amulet of Proof Against Detection and Location was nestled under his shirt. 

‘Other methods?’ Ursa asked casually. 

‘Oh, well, you know, non-magical means.’ Algernon didn’t give them time to think about the implications. ‘While I have you both here, I think it would be prudent to ask if perhaps we could have a closer look… I know the Queen would be extremely grateful for any concessions you would make.’ 

‘What does that mean?’ Ursa asked carefully, ‘Like, just letting you scry on us, or like… cameras in our flat?’ 

Algernon shrugged casually. ‘Whatever you would feel comfortable with. Previous interests have let the Queen set up things like cameras, magical or not, so she could observe them whenever she pleased—’ 

‘Wait, wait, would this be like a Big Brother kinda set up?’ Ursa asked with dawning horror. 

‘So, you’re asking if we’d be ok with the Summer Court basically spying on us 24/7?’ Alkahest growled, teeth gnashing. 

Algernon sighed in exasperation. ‘Of course not, only Her Majesty Queen Titania and a select few would be invited to attend any viewing parties—’ 

‘Viewing Parties!?’ 

Algernon finally seemed a little flustered, taking a little step back. ‘Of course, only with your consent—’ he added hastily. 

‘Oh yeah, I can see myself consenting to that just real soon. Sounds peachy.’ 

Ursa could hear the fury in his voice, it was the same kind of joking anger she’d first heard in Ikea, moments before someone’s head got bitten off. She had to do something. They hadn’t even gotten to eat yet. She breathed out through her nose, gave Alkahest’s hand a squeeze, put on a brave face, gulped down her own fears and stepped in. 

‘I think what Alkahest is trying to say, is that, although of course, we’re so grateful for Queen Titania’s blessing, and her involvement in the, uh, trial, she really fast-forwarded all of this for us, y’know? Like, we just moved in together and we’re… engaged,’ It was the first time she had said it out loud. Algernon’s eyes widened and he gave a soft little gasp. ‘But we’re only just going on our first date. I think we both need a bit of time to settle into all of this, a bit of privacy so we can work through stuff.’ 

Algernon sighed again, ‘Well, yes, of course, I can understand that.’ He sounded so disappointed however, so Ursa continued. 

‘Maybe in a little while, when we’ve gotten a bit comfier, we could speak with Queen Titania, or one of her representatives, about doing something like, I dunno, a private insta, a blog?’ She had a thought. ‘Oh, I’m on Youtube already, I could do like, relationship vlogs?’ 

He perked up at that, his ears twitching. ‘Oh, what’s your handle? I’m sure the Queen would be very interested.’ 

Ursa showed Algernon her channel, one hand still grasping Alkahest’s under the table, so tightly her fingers were going numb. He was stony and silent, except for the grinding of teeth. 

‘Yes, I think we can work something out. I had better leave you two to it, but we’ll be in touch.’ He hesitated. ‘This is probably too cheeky, but I’ve got to, can I get a proper picture of you? The Queen would be delighted.’ 

Ursa gulped as Alkahest’s grip threatened to rip her hand off. 

‘Omg, let me send you these selfies we took before, they’re so cute, it’s unreal.’ She squeaked, a little more manically than she had anticipated. 

Algernon squealed when he saw them, and Ursa sent him about 10, including one she accidentally snapped as they kissed. ‘The Queen is going to LOVE this.’ Algernon whispered; eyes wide. 

Ursa just gave him a winning smile. 

After he had left, she kissed Alkahest’s hand gently, his grip still tense. 

‘You doing ok?’ 

His jaw twisted a couple of times before he answered shortly. 

‘You handled that really well.’ 

‘Just one of my many talents. I figured we shouldn’t get on the Summer Court’s bad side like, immediately after we’re pardoned.’ 

‘Fair.’ 

‘And if all it takes to get Titania on our side is make some cutesy vlogs then that’s too good an opportunity to pass up, to be honest.’ 

He turned to look at her. ‘What?’ 

Ursa shrugged innocently. 

‘I mean, the Winter Court already owes you a favour, right? Wouldn’t it be great to have both courts in your corner? It might be the first time in history someone’s managed to get both Queens on their side.’ 

He blinked at her a couple of times, before he burst out laughing. 

‘Oh, Ursa Carpenter, you are sly.’ 

‘Guilty!’ 

They laughed together and he squeezed her hand. ‘Thanks Ursa, I don’t think I would have handled that very well if you weren’t here.’ 

‘I mean, I don’t think he would have been here if I wasn’t so don’t thank me.’ 

‘I’m serious, all I would’ve done is bite his head off.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Maybe literally. Which, uh, would not have been good.’ 

Ursa shrugged, moving her chair back so she could face him. ‘I mean, that’s why I’m here, to deescalate situations that don’t require head-lossage.’ She smiled at him, but he didn’t smile back. 

‘I don’t want you to feel like you’re my leash.’ He said quietly. 

Something was definitely bothering him, something that probably wasn’t going to come out over Sushi. Maybe she’d try and pry more when they were in the relative safety and privacy—maybe not as private as they had originally thought—of home. 

‘Don’t be silly, I don’t feel like that.’ She gave him her warmest smile and although he did reciprocate, it was half-heartedly. ‘Look, we’ve dealt with the crazy fae,’ Her head whipped round as she double checked Algernon had actually gone, he had, ‘and I promise to not put my foot in it again, ok?’ His smile got a little deeper at that and she took it as an opening to reach out for his hands, before he could move them away again, squeezing them tightly. ‘Let’s just try and enjoy the rest of the night, yeah?’ 

‘Course, yeah, sorry, just gotten in my own head.’ He hesitated. ‘I’m not really used to… dealing with… feelings? Kinda just used to uh, repressing the shit outta them.’ 

‘Oh my god, same!’ She laughed softly. ‘I didn’t lie to Algernon, as amazing as this has been so far, for me anyway, its a massive adjustment. We both might be a little… overwhelmed. We’re gonna need a bit of time.’ She smiled as she saw their food starting to arrive. ‘And a shit-ton of sushi.’ 

‘Hell yeah.’ 

‘I do have one more question, if you don’t mind?’ 

She saw him gulp and brace himself. ‘Course. Sure.’ 

‘You never actually told me your favourite book?’ 

He laughed, relief obvious in his face. ‘Yeah, I was kinda put off by Abidallion’s nightmare fuel recommendations. No offense. Strych enjoyed them though.’ 

‘None taken, Abidallion is super intimidating until you get to know them.’ Ursa laughed. 

‘I’m excited to get to know them.’ He replied warmly, squeezing her hand. Her stomach did a little backflip and she could only grin in reply. Maybe this wasn’t going to be such a bad first date after all. 

* 

After Sushi, unsurprisingly, they weren’t in the mood for dessert. The idea of the Summer Court watching them at any point was just too unsettling, so, after a quick ‘Could you please come ward our flat?’ text to Strych, they went to bed. Ursa couldn’t remember falling asleep, she had hoped to chat about what had been bothering him, but they were both a little worn out. Worn thin. 

When she woke up it wasn’t morning. Or at least, it wasn’t the time of morning you consider waking up at. The room was only lit by the shafts of moonlight, chilled by the night air from the open window. That’s not what she noticed first however. The bed was empty next to her. Alkahest was sat on the edge, head in hands. 

‘Hey, you ok?’ she asked sleepily, moving towards him. He turned to her with a hasty grin, one that didn’t do much to mask anything at all. 

‘Hey, sorry, just, uh, getting some water, y’know?’ 

‘Is something wrong? You’ve seemed kinda upset since dinner.’ she insisted. When he didn’t reply she added, ‘You can talk to me, about anything. If you don’t want to that’s ok too, but I’m here for you either way.’ She settled next to him on the edge of the bed, taking his hand in hers gently. 

His mouth twisted in indecision, before he let out a sigh. 

‘Ursa… you know I’m not… I’m not a good person.’ 

‘I mean, I was there when you bit a guy’s head off, I’m not going into this blind.’ She said with a yawn, rubbing her eyes. 

‘That’s not, I mean… I’ve done some really bad shit in the past, Ursa. And I’m going to have to do more in the future. If any one of us is gonna regret this, I think it’s gonna be you.’ 

‘Why do you think you have to be good? Or that I want you to be?’ Ursa asked gently. 

He looked away, ashamed, ‘I mean… you’re good. And someone said… well, what you said at dinner kinda confirmed it…’ 

‘What I said…?’ Suddenly it clicked for her. ‘The nice comment, right? I’m sorry, I was so distracted, I didn’t explain properly-’ 

‘It doesn’t matter.’ Alkahest interrupted quietly. ‘This is stuff that’s been brewing for a while. If you fell for me ‘cause I did something ‘nice’… Well, I’m actually a total bastard.’ 

‘I mean, you’re not, but ok, I know, look, when I was barfing and you didn’t say ‘I told you so’ or anything, it wasn’t like a switch flipped and I suddenly liked you. I already liked you, I just put you down as a hot asshole and did my best to not be interested, which didn’t work btw, I don’t know if you noticed how in your face I was, omg.’ Ursa looked at him hopefully, praying she didn’t have to explain any more than that. 

‘I mean… you don’t have to…’ He sighed, and Ursa had a feeling he would’ve said lie, which she definitely wasn’t doing. She was just omitting part of the truth. ‘But it doesn’t change anything’ He finished. ‘I’m… I’ve done some really heinous shit.’ 

‘I can’t deny I am super curious about what you did for the winter court. And I guess I don’t know how I’ll react without knowing what it is first… But I can’t really see you and heinous crimes in the same sentence.’ 

‘I’ve been killing people before I was even sentient, don’t be naive.’ 

‘That super doesn’t count, you didn’t even have a mouth? You can’t blame a flower for pointing at the sun, it’s not even instinct it’s just how it works.’ She retorted. 

‘Plants don’t kill people, Ursa.’ 

‘Um, yeah they do? Like, mushrooms are poisonous and people still eat them?’ 

‘Mushrooms aren’t plants, Ursa.’ 

‘Oh my god, ok, my point still stands. And anyway, if people are dumb enough to go into a fucking haunted slaughterhouse they deserve death, tbh.’ 

‘It freaked you out though.’ He said, voice quieter than Ursa could have ever imagined. 

She hesitated. 

‘Ok, so, cards on the table? I had been imagining a little black and white kirby, one that I could pick up and hug, so yeah, living shadows and sunbeams are a bit of a downgrade. But only because of their lack of hugability.’ She squeezed his hand before continuing. ‘Its super fascinating, honestly, I’d been thinking of you as a digimon, able to switch between forms but it’s more of an evolution? Like a pokemon, but you have a mega evolution!’ 

‘You’re making me sound cuter than I am, I’m an evil bastard and one day you’ll realise it’s too much for you.’ 

‘Alkahest, if you were actually evil… we wouldn’t be here? You wouldn’t have come to rescue me? You could have just left it, you risked everything to save me. Hell, if you were really evil, after you killed Montparnasse, you could’ve just killed all of us and taken the bones for yourself? That would have been a lot less hassle than all this.’ 

‘I’m not gonna kill the cute girl I just met at ikea, what a waste.’ He joked half-heartedly. 

‘See! A proper psychopath can’t form those authentic kind of connections? You would’ve chomped my head and been done with it.’ 

‘I mean, I don’t think I’m… You…’ He struggled with his words, as if the effort to say then was physically painful. ‘You make me better. Or… want to be better.’ Another sigh, more frustrated than the others as he scrubbed the back of his head. ‘But it’s not enough, I tried so. Fucking. Hard, getting you back, I was gonna just blast through every fucker that got in my way, but Nora and Merlin showed up and I figured you wouldn’t want to be rescued by someone who had killed your friends, but Vic wouldn’t budge and we ended up fighting his whole crew and I’m only good at killing shit, apparently.’ 

‘You’re good at lots of things actually.’  

‘I just don’t think I can be with someone like you and not… show you up. But, like, ethically… y’know?’ 

‘Someone like me?’ 

‘Ursa you’re… I’m not saying you’re like a pinnacle of goodness but… You’re the goodest thing I’ve ever met in this universe. The goodest thing I’ve ever been close to and I’m…’ He stared down at his open hands, as if he could see all the blood he’d ever spilled stained on them. 

She blinked at him a couple times, before whispering, ‘Oh boy…’ She was going to have to tell him. 

‘You’re… um, pretty wrong on that.’ 

‘You don’t have to be humble, I know—’ 

‘I’m not, this isn’t some self-deprecation BS. I’m just not as ethically sound as I would have you believe.’ 

‘What, because of the coffee machine?’ 

‘I mean, yes, using mind powers on a vanilla human so I could steal their coffee machine is pretty grim?’ 

‘That’s nothing Ursa, I’ve killed people.’ 

‘Look, I’m not saying we’re in the same league— we’re not, you’re way out of mine haha—but people aren’t just, uh,’ she had to stop herself from snickering, ‘black and white y’know? Everyone’s got a bit of both. Especially me.’ 

‘Ursa, no—’ 

‘Look,’ She interrupted, ‘there’s some stuff I haven’t… been honest about. About you…’ 

‘What?’ 

‘I wasn’t lying before, I did think you were just a hot asshole and I really did do my best to just… y’know, get on with my job?’ 

‘OK?’ 

‘Well…’ She hesitated. Maybe she didn’t need to go into detail and she could save a bit of face. Her survival instinct was creeping up and she could feel it taking over. With a sigh, however, she pushed it down. If I’m gonna do this whole relationship thing, I should probably try and do it right. 

‘OK. So, in case it wasn’t obvious, which I kinda hope it wasn’t, I went absolutely bananas over you. Like from the moment I met you, I tried to just be like, oh, a hot asshole, let’s ignore that, but I just couldn’t help myself. I don’t normally act like that and I definitely don’t normally point at people who could kill me with a snap of their fingers. I dunno if I wanted you to notice me, like me, eat me, a combination of all three? Who knows.’ She sighed again, her stomach twisting with nerves. 

‘So, I just put it down as some weird sexual tension, it had been a while and I’m weird but then… the barfing… This is so embarrassing, but when you asked if I was OK you gave me… the flutter, and I’d never had one before and that’s when I really panicked because Holy shit—’ 

‘Sorry, the flutter?’ 

‘Oh, uh, that’s what Tata always called it, like, butterflies? Heart skipping a beat kinda thing?’ 

‘Oh… Oh.’ 

‘Yeah, suffice to say, I was freaking the fuck out. It’s one thing to be into someone you just met, it’s another thing to be, well… yeah. So, when things started to get choppy…’ She clenched and unclenched her fists before playing with her hair nervously. ‘So, brain was like, we gotta get this under control, and, obviously I can’t control myself, so… you were the next best thing.’ She let out a shaky sigh. ‘I’m not even sure if you were going after those humans, I had pretty much already decided to Charm you… And obviously it just made things worse because then I felt guilty but I…’ She had to look away, cheeks burning ‘I just really liked it? How you stood next to me and looked at me and… The idea that I could just be like, ‘Hey let’s go snog round the corner’, or ‘Can you please eat all these people, thanks’ and you’d just do it, was just…’ she sighed again but it was shivery and from her core. ‘Let’s just say it was an ethical nightmare and leave it at that.’ 

‘Ursa, that’s not really—’ 

‘That’s just the beginning. Remember how mad I was when you killed Brian? Well, why wasn’t I mad when you killed Montparnasse? Both were pretty senseless, although in hindsight, the whole Lopaditie biz, but, whatever, so why didn’t I get up in your face for that one? Oh, it’s because my stupid heart decided, with no evidence or logic, since it’s not like you were still charmed, and it wasn’t in my defence or anything, that you did it for me and its now romantic. Which, uh, great way to start a relationship? Murder is fine with me now, I guess? So, again, not great ethically!’ 

‘Ursa…’ 

‘Oh, and you might have thought I’d calm down a bit after ikea, and maybe whatever the fuck this was would die out, but you would be incredibly wrong, in fact, I somehow went more insane! I couldn’t stop!’ She buried her face in her hands, heat searing her inside and out. ‘I sang a fucking song for you.’ 

Alkahest’s eyes widened, his mouth opening, looking like he was about to say something, but managed to stop himself in time. 

‘And then when you messaged me… and everything started going to shit, everyone was against you, Cat Shit… I…’ a nervous little laugh. ‘I really pride myself on being loyal, loyal to people who don’t deserve me, loyal to stupid family customs that make me feel like shit, loyal to the job I just got… but you…’ She managed to peek out of her hands at him. ‘I realised I’d throw it all away for you. I meant it when I said I would drop everything for you. Even if everyone was right, if you were using me, or if you were actually just “evil” right down the core or whatever, it didn’t matter. The amount of fantasies I had where you’d turn up in the middle of the night and say ‘Hey, burn down the institute and we can run off into the sunset together’ and I’d be like ‘hell yeah, just give me some matches!’ were just… a lot…’ a strangled laugh crawled up from her throat. ‘That’s why Saubra doesn’t like you, you’re the exact opposite of a self-preservation instinct.’ 

Alkahest’s face twisted a few times before he managed to speak. ‘Saubra doesn’t… no, look, we’ll talk about that later, Ursa, I get what you’re trying to say but, this is nothing. I’ve literally killed people. People that didn’t deserve it.’ He turned to her, looking the most sorrowful she’d ever seen him. ‘And even if it was comparable, which it ain’t, you wouldn’t do that? I know you, you wouldn’t throw away what you have at the institute, the opportunity to help people, the bonds you got with your friends? I know you wanna make me feel better but—’ 

‘What literally happened yesterday?’ Ursa interrupted. ‘I mean, ok, I didn’t physically set anything on fire, but if any of the bridges I burnt survived, it is 100% down to Brynner’s good graces.’ She twisted towards him, unable to break eye contact, feeling desperate and manic. ‘I lied to and manipulated the head of the institute for you. I dismantled my entire life for you. I’m glad I didn’t have to hurt anyone because… I don’t know how far I would go for you. For this. And that’s terrifying! I was the one lecturing Nora about the sanctity of life in Ikea!’ 

‘Ursa…’ 

She twisted away finally, unable to look at him. It was all too raw. She’d turned herself inside out, exposing all the parts of herself she tried to hide from everyone, from him, from herself. 

‘Look, I’m not trying to freak you out, I know it makes me sound insane, I just, look.’ She glared at the window, crossing her arms and legs, ‘everyone has good and bad inside them. Myself included. When I fell for you, I didn’t fall just for the nice bits, the bits that mean you ask if someone’s OK, or how you make goofy anecdotes to make me laugh. I also fell for the hot asshole that bit off someone’s head, that shot cat shit in the face with a shotgun.’ Her stare moved to her hands, which were shaking. ‘Yeah, of course, if you want to be better, I’m gonna help you, if you want to work on problem solving without resorting to violence, that’s great, but I don’t want to change you. I didn’t go into this thinking how I was gonna like… tame the beastly demon, gross. I just want to be with you. Good and bad.’ 

There was silence. She hazarded a look up at him. 

‘Oh.’ Was all he managed. 

Ursa flushed, hiding her face in her hands again, as if she’d be less embarrassed if she could just hide how red she was. ‘I’m gonna need some reassurance that you’re not like, mentally backing away, please.’ 

‘No, I’m not, I just…’ a long hesitation. ‘So, Saubra doesn’t like me?’ 

Ursa’s head whipped towards him. That’s what he’s taken from all that??? ‘Um, yeah, sorry, she’s literally the personification of my self-preservation, and you make me do the opposite of that. We had a bit of a talk though, it should be OK?’ Ursa did not mention them finally meeting because she herself was dreading it. Almost as much as him meeting her parents. 

He seemed to be picking his words carefully. ‘So, when she said that you didn’t like me at first because I was a sarcastic asshole was that…?’ He let it dangle. 

Ursa shot up, ‘Oh my god, what???’ In the distance she could sort of hear Saubra laughing. ‘When did she say that??? At the trial? I’m normally aware of what happens, but we were split magically! I didn’t know she said that!’ she gasped softly, breath hitching in her throat, ‘holy shit is that what brought all this on?’ 

Alkahest looked away ‘No, I mean… it’s been brewing… that just, brought it to the surface.’ He hesitated. ‘It’s OK if… if you didn’t at first, I was being a prick—’ 

‘I mean, I didn’t like you,’ Ursa said hotly, ‘I was, y’know, head over heels for you from the second I saw you, I guess it’s semantics but, oh my god, I can’t believe her!’ she got up off the bed, suddenly considering hiding under it forever until she died, but he grabbed her and pulled her into his lap. 

‘I mean, if she’s just fucking with me, that’s a big relief.’ Alkahest laughed as Ursa squirmed, still hiding her face. 

‘I’m gonna kill her!’ Ursa mumbled, muffled as she tried to curl into herself as tightly as possible. 

‘Nah, its fine, I deserve a bit of fucking with.’ He laughed as he squeezed her, sounding the happiest he’d been all night. 

She managed to part her fingers and look up at him. ‘Are you feeling… better?’ She asked with a wobbly voice. 

He laughed, smiling sincerely. ‘Yeah. It’s fucking hard talking about feelings, but… I feel good, thanks.’ 

Ursa was going to reply, when she suddenly had a thought. A question she would never normally be able to ask. Now was the only time, she was already so embarrassed she might implode at any moment, she’d never get another opportunity. 

‘Hey, why didn’t you get mad at me? For charming you?’ She whispered, so quietly Alkahest had to lean in closer. ‘I know it helped in the long run, but, if that had been anyone else you would have been pissed, right?’ 

It was his turn to flush. ‘It just… It didn’t feel any different? I only really noticed when it was over. There was this music playing? Off in the distance, you singing I think, but I only realised when it went away.’ He thought for a moment. ‘Your Charm spell was the equivalent of bribing me to do something I was already going to do. Like, “I’ll give you 20 dollars to eat this pizza” and I’m like, “it was already pizza time, you fool, now it’s pizza time and I’m up 20 bucks”.’ He smiled a little shyly. ‘So, yeah, hard to get mad when it didn’t even feel like you’d done anything.  And it stopped Monty doing whatever he wanted in my head, so, y’know…’ He shrugged, sheepishly. 

Ursa’s brain felt like it switched off, too powerful was the surge of lightning that scorched her. All she could feel was fire. 

‘I want dessert.’ Ursa whispered, twisting in his arms, clambering up, heart pounding in her chest. She felt like her bones were going to vibrate out of her. 

Alkahest went very pink. He didn’t seem to know what to say, ‘But what about Titania?’ he managed, a little squeaky. 

‘Let her watch.’ Ursa’s voice was low, dangerous. ‘I’ll put on a show so hot she blushes and looks away.’ 

Alkahest just gulped audibly, in response. 

* 

The pancakes ended up being apology pancakes. 

Ursa decided to let Alkahest have a lie in, he was sleeping so soundly when she woke up, it felt criminal to disturb him. Especially after the night they’d had. So, she’d gone to update her social media platforms, tease her upcoming videos, reactivate her website and shop and just general online presence maintenance. She’d been responding to emails when her phone had rang, and without thinking, without looking, she’d answered it. 

‘Orsolya.’ Came her Mother’s crisp, curt voice. 

Ursa felt her stomach drop about four hundred floors. 

‘Solya, sweetie. How are you?’ Came her Father’s soft, loving voice 

‘Mama, Tata,’ Ursa’s voice sounded more strangled than she had hoped, ‘I’m doing fine, how are you two?’ 

‘Are you back from your work trip?’ her mother’s tone was like an ice pick. 

Ursa blinked a couple of times before, with dawning horror, she remembered the text she had sent just days before. 

‘Hey Mama, Tata, I’m having to do some stuff at work so I’ll be out of contact for a bit! Don’t worry, I’ll explain everything when I get back! Love you!’ 

Of course, she hadn’t explained about her new job yet. Not even to Panna. Not that it mattered now, she’d quit. So much had changed, and too quickly, how was she ever going to explain? 

‘Solya?’ her Tata prodded gently. 

‘Oh, sorry, um, yeah! I’m back, uh, but don’t send any care packages for a bit, everything’s a little up in the air right now, you know?’ 

There was stony silence. 

She realised how that would sound, given her parents’ preconceptions about her job, her videos, in that they did not consider it one at all. 

‘Not in a bad way,’ She added hastily, ‘things are going really well. Really, really well.’ 

‘That’s good, Solya.’ Her Tata sounded like he was reassuring a child, and Ursa’s stomach twisted. She really didn’t want to do this over the phone. 

‘I do have some stuff I need to, uh, catch you up on.’ Ursa said meekly, relieved she wasn’t on facetime. 

‘Yes, that is obvious.’ 

Ursa winced at her Mama’s tone. It lanced through her, not unlike the lightning she felt with Alkahest, except this time altogether unpleasant. She wracked her brains. She couldn’t just invite them over to chat, they didn’t like to come into Middlemarch and to invite them to her new home, well, she was absolutely not ready for that particular ritual. A tiny, desperate spark of an idea formed, risky as it was. 

‘You’re… the barbecue’s coming up right?’ Ursa hinted. When there was only silence in reply she quietly added, ‘Maybe I could… drop by? You said I was still welcome… for that, right?’ 

‘Solya, of course!’ Her Tata’s energy had totally changed. He sounded euphoric. ‘I know you feel like you can’t come home because of the ritual, but Solya, you are always welcome.’ 

‘Of course,’ Her Mama added, the ghost of warmth in her voice, ‘you can come home any time.’ 

Ursa laughed nervously. She hoped they hadn’t gotten the wrong idea. ‘Great! Lovely. Maybe I could… bring someone?’ 

Tense silence. 

‘Sweetie, yes! The more the merrier!’ her Tata cried out. 

A brief silence. A shuffling noise, what might have been a nudge. 

Her Mama cleared her throat. ‘Yes. The more the merrier.’ 

Ursa could feel her glower down the phone. 

This was not going to go well. 

* 

Alkahest was much less frightened by the prospect of the barbeque and meeting her parents than she was, and had decided it was going to be their first little holiday. 

‘You and me in the lakes, cute little cottage? Does that not sound heavenly? We’ll get afternoon tea or some shit.’ He seemed less sincere since his mouth was full of pancakes. 

Ursa bit down any complaints she might’ve had as he booked it. She had just been about to suggest the holiday inn—about all she could afford right now—but he was right, that did sound heavenly. Once again, he just sort of brushed her off when she mentioned splitting it between them. She pouted for a little bit as they assembled blankets and popcorn for their movie party, eventually sighing. 

‘When I’m not super unemployed, you’re gonna have to let me treat you a whole bunch, ok?’ 

He laughed and gave her a kiss. They settled down for the Fellowship of the Ring. That’s when things started to go wrong. 

His cool-as-a-cucumber attitude seemed to evaporate as the film went on; he was unable to sit still, she kept having to shift further from him as he practically pushed her away; his leg was constantly tapping, fingers drumming in a constant rhythm. At first, she pouted a little, maybe he just wasn’t a cuddly person? But she soon realised it was nerves. He kept just staring at her, looking away when she looked at him with a hasty smile. It seemed like he wasn’t paying attention to the film at all. 

She tried to think, could all the stuff from last night still be bothering him? She had kinda swept it under the rug and just jumped on him. She blushed remembering how forward she had been and prayed Alkahest wasn’t looking—he was, so she brushed it off as seeing Arwen being badass, driving off the Nazgul, to which he nodded nervously—maybe there were still things on his mind, and she’d just not noticed. 

After a while, she realised she wasn’t really paying attention either, too worried. She asked a couple of times if he was OK, if there was something on his mind, but he just nervously laughed it off, getting more and more fidgety. By the time they finished the Two Towers it was unbearable. Her stomach was twisted into so many knots, an awful dark worry settling on her chest. What if he doesn’t like Lord of the Rings??? She wasn’t sure if she could bear to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t like these films again – Leto had called them boring and sappy, which led to their first fight because Ursa snapped back ‘They’re more interesting than Grey’s Anatomy, and I sat through about fifty of those without complaining!’ to which Leto called her a selfish little brat and it all derailed from there. 

As he got up to put the King Returns disc in, she stopped him, tugging at his sleeve gently. 

‘Hey, we can stop watching if you want? I don’t wanna presume but I don’t think you’ve been paying much attention? If you’re not enjoying them, that’s fine, but if something’s bothering you, I’d rather talk about it.’ Her voice was a little quieter than she had intended. He hesitated before he sat back down beside her. 

‘Sorry. I… I’m just really nervous. I,’ his fidgeting seemed to completely stop as he brought out a little box from his pocket. ‘I made you something. Well, us something, technically.’ He held it out to her. 

Her mouth was suddenly so dry, she could barely get any words out. ‘Wait, what? Why?’ 

‘Oh, y’know, little ‘glad you’re not dead’ gift.’ 

‘I didn’t get anything for you?’ She squeaked out. 

‘No, I’m just being a dick, sorry. It’s, y’know, to make everything official. I dunno if there’s, uh, special changeling customs about… rings? But there isn’t any for demons so I figured, we’ll do whatever?’ He opened the box up, shifting a little closer to her. Inside were two gold rings, one set with a white opalescent gem and the other a black gem that glinted with rainbow iridescence when the light hit it. 

Ursa’s breath was stuck, somewhere between her mouth and lungs. 

‘They’re uh, practical too?’ He added, as if he needed to sell the concept of matching, meaningful jewellery to her, ‘I know you like to get gored by minotaurs and beat up by angels and dragons and hand yourself over to vengeful fey, so uh, with this, if you get yourself into a… situation, you can, boop,’ He touched the gem for emphasis. ‘And message me ‘Hey Alkahest, there’s this giant, uh, frog? What should I do?’ And I can reply with, ‘Hey, just shoot it in the fucking head.’ 

‘Are… giant frogs likely to appear?’ Ursa asked, knowing that wasn’t the point. 

‘I mean, if you hang around Nora, yeah. Anyway, this frog, if he’s a bit too much for you, you boop it again, I can teleport straight to ya.’ He grinned hastily. ‘I’ll sort it right out.’ His grin mellowed. ‘You, uh, don’t have to handle stuff by yourself now, y’know.’ He hesitated, before adding with a smile, ‘And neither do I.’ 

Ursa managed to find some words as her vision got blurry. ‘That’s so fucking cool. You made these?’ 

His face fell a little. ‘Well, not from scratch.’ He admitted. ‘But I did add some stuff to make them unique, y’know? Well, I got Strych to help. They don’t want to talk to either of us for at least three months apparently.’ 

Ursa laughed, although it came out a little choked. ‘When did you even do this?’ 

‘Well after our, uh,’ He hesitated as he blushed, ‘talk last night, I just… It was nice working stuff out, and actually feeling better? And I just wanted to, I dunno, do a bit of a gesture.’ He shrugged with a soft, sheepish smile. ‘You know how it is.’ 

Ursa could only nod in reply. He put the box down on his leg hastily, carefully picking out the Ring with the black gem. He reached out for her hand. 

‘You, uh, still up for this?’ He asked quietly, voice wobbling. Ursa tried to say yes, but only managed a squeak, tears starting to leak from her eyes. Thank God her makeup today was just a mask. He slid the Ring on to her finger, and it shrank until it perfectly fit her, heat burning through the band as she felt the magic bind to her. 

Her hands were quivering as she did the same to him. She wasn’t sure if he felt the same singe, but they both gasped as there was a thrum in the air, the two gems sparkling and flashing in unison, as the magic bound them together. Both the Rings and each other. Ursa stared at them for a very long time. When she looked up into his eyes, they were as watery as hers. 

Without saying another word, she clambered into his lap and wrapped herself around him, holding on for dear life. She wasn’t sure how long they stayed entwined for. Eventually, she pulled away, wiping her eyes, laughing softly, as he did the same sheepishly.  

‘Feels a bit weird to just carry-on watching lord of the rings now. We can do something else if you want?’ 

‘No, I wanna watch it, you might just have to give me some cliff notes, I have no idea what’s going on.’ He put his arm around her and kissed her head gently. ‘We gotta watch these again soon though, I can tell they’re really important to you and, uh, well… y’know.’ 

‘Yeah, I get it.’ She beamed at him, linking her hand with his. ‘So, what did you get from the first two?’ 

‘Uh, ok, so, nasty Ring? A guy wants it back, he might be a tower?’ 

‘He’s the eye at the top of the tower.’ 

‘Oh, right, uh, yeah. So, they have to go… give it to him?’ 

Ursa waited for him to continue, but that was apparently it. 

‘Oh boy.’ 

‘Do they get the wizard guy to play two characters? That really threw me off.’ 

‘No, well, kinda—’ 

‘And why do they have such an ugly dog now?’ 

‘What? Wait, do you mean Gollum? He isn’t a dog?’ 

‘Oh, good, I thought it was tonally inappropriate to have a talking dog but what do I know?’ He smiled ruefully at her. ‘Sorry, I was really freaking out.’ 

She pulled him down for a kiss. ‘Don’t worry,’ She murmured lovingly, ‘I’ll make a lotr nerd out of you yet.’ 

Caliber Session 16: The Trial of Ursa Carpenter, Part 4

[This session was an interesting one! Since Merlin and Nora wouldn’t be present for much of the trial itself, I instead asked Adam and Melissa to play Cait-Sìth (the Prosecution) and Elene (the Defense) respectively. They did a better job than I ever could have.]

Merlin looked down at his ruined shirt. The potion he’d gotten from Alkahest had done wonders on the not-bleeding-to-death front, but less so on anything else. He’d need some sort of Potion of Greater Darning for that.

‘Why the hell did you get up on the roof?!’ said Nora, incredulous.

Merlin coughed. His shoulder still hurt. ‘I thought it’d be a good idea to–‘

‘To get shot?’

Alkahest glanced at the two of them in the back seat. ‘It’s always a good idea to get shot, yeah,’ he said.

This earned a united front of grousing from both Merlin and Nora.

‘I didn’t exactly paint a target on my chest and shout “ooh, hit me”, did I?’ said Merlin.

Nora scoffed. ‘That’s exactly what you did.’

Their pace had slowed considerably in the approach to London’s circulatory system. Though the city itself seemed greener than on the Fulcrum Earth – complete with beautiful, ornamented solar panels and a plethora of rooftop greenhouses – traffic was just as noxious; frequent nose-to-tail queues, much honking of horns, and a general consensus that any pedestrians must be destroyed.

Here, a number of parks present in the Fulcrum’s London were instead towering clusters of megaflora; redwoods and mountain ash, trees not even native to the UK that loomed over the nearby buildings like goons behind a mob boss.

Alkahest spotted the Houses of Parliament, somewhat dilapidated in this version of the city, surrounded by a moat of greenery. They were surely getting closer.

And a wave of magical pressure, created by a presence so thaumaturgically dense as to bend reality around it, washed over the car.

Nora felt it run through her, up through her feet and into her torso, feeling almost like the thrumming of the cord that wasn’t in her chest on this world. She took a deep breath and pushed it down.

Alkahest tasted it in the air before it hit them properly. He wasn’t too concerned by it; he’d had the full ire of beings of such arcane intensity turned upon him before, and thus built up a bit of an immunity. This wasn’t his first rodeo, as it were. He hoped Ursa was okay.

‘Urk,’ said Merlin. Merlin spent much of his time attuned to the weave of magic itself, thinking about how to translate it into static code, how to develop new uses that worked with technology. His mind instinctively tried to parse the level of power that had hit him, and experienced something akin to an “integer too large” error.

This was translated by his body into a sense of vertigo and nausea, coupled with a sting from that jellyfish that fills you specifically with a sense of impending doom. ‘Oh god, there’s someone here in the city that’s… we’re going to die,’ he said. ‘I think I’m going to throw up an exception.’

Nora looked down at him, unsure of what to do, or if she should even say anything at all. ‘Are you… going to be alright?’ she hazarded.

‘I’m okay for now,’ said Merlin, albeit with a tremor in his voice. ‘I’ll let you know if it passes because that probably means we’re going the wrong way.’

The car had been slowing, looking for a place to pull over, but at this Alkahest put his foot down again. ‘You’re like a dowsing rod, I get it,’ he said.

‘Ugh. Yeah, that’s the idea,’ said Merlin. ‘I’ll maybe just open a window in case I really do need to barf.’

Nora promptly climbed into the front seat.

‘Ow,’ she said, having sat on something. Presumably the old woman Merlin stabbed had dropped it before disappearing.

It was a small, but ornate, silver key.

⁂

Meanwhile, only not really, Ursa sat among the Summer Court; free of bars but little else. She only half-listened to the fading buzz of conversation around her, knowing that while she could say, make a break for it, she’d probably be disintegrated before her chair was all the way back.

It was fine. She just had to get through this.

Below her feet was a floor of volcanic glass, circling out from the podium that Queen Titania had just arrived at. Beyond it was green grass, and beyond that was a circle of massive trees packed so tight that they must have been sharing roots.

Carved into one tree thicker across its trunk than the rest, was an ornate wooden door with a keyhole but no handles.

‘Hey, I asked you a question,’ said a carefully calm voice.

Ursa snapped back to herself. Her defense, Elene, was talking to her. Elene’s fur was a rich, dark brown, fading to a cream colour by the time it reached the tips of her cunicular ears. She wasn’t dressed like a lawyer, with a holographic jacket and an aluminium baseball bat leaning up against the table. Ursa wouldn’t have been shocked if Elene was wearing roller skates.

That wasn’t to say she wasn’t invested in Ursa’s case. She was planning their approach as if her life depended on it, too.

‘Sorry, what was the question again?’ asked Ursa.

‘I just wanted you to clarify your story. I don’t want us to be contradicting one another.’

Ursa shifted in her chair. ‘Well, uh, we’re just going to be telling the truth. How would we contradict each other?’

Elene’s look was scathing. ‘Ursa, as I’ve explained already – twice – we aren’t here to debate the truth. We’re here to weave what you did into the most entertaining story we can, and hope that her Majesty wants to see our version of the ending.’

‘The ending where I get to go home, right.’

‘The ending where you live.’

Across to their right, at an identical table, on an identical chair – albeit one with three purple cushions, for height – sat Cait-Sìth. He was poring over a file he’d brought with his trademark look of fury.

‘Well?’

Titania’s voice, quiet as a sunrise, silenced the whole congregation.

‘Shall we begin?’

No one answered.

‘I think we shall. This trial will commence in the following format: I will ask Ursa Carpenter a question. She will answer. Then the defense and prosecution will interpret her answer for the benefit of the court.

‘The trial will proceed in this way until we introduce witnesses, who will give their statements. From there, I will make my final judgement.’

The massive bell that would mark the end of the trial looked tiny beside the Queen.

‘Ursa Carpenter,’ said Titania. ‘Why did you murder Montparnasse?’

‘Oh, boy,’ said Ursa, failing to keep a nervous giggle from her voice. ‘Just going straight off into the deep end?’

She’d been talking to herself, but Titania chose to answer. ‘If that question is too complex, why don’t we instead begin by establishing exactly how it was you murdered Montparnasse.’

‘I think murder is a bit of a strong word… it was life or death; he was trying to kill us…. uh. All very bad. I charmed my, errrr, Demon friend and made him bite off a head. A rash decision I wouldn’t repeat, but like I said, life or death, him or us.’

She stopped at Titania’s expression.

‘I think what my client is trying to say–‘ began Elene, hastily wading in to offer a stitch in time. Her words were met by a growl from the throat of Cait-Sìth, a sort of feline I-can’t-believe-you-butted-in-like-that.

Elene pressed on. ‘What my client is trying to say is that she felt threatened by Montparnasse. He was, after all, a highly-capable agent of the Court; one who was dispatched precisely because his abilities were difficult to counter. Could you elaborate on these feelings, Ursa Carpenter?’

‘Well, aside from trying to brain control us and make us kill each other, he kept going into peoples minds and making them see things that weren’t there? We agreed on a truce while in the labyrinth, but the second we got outside he was like “ok now I’m going to kill you”. Not cool.’

‘Objection, your honour.’ Queen Titania’s voice. Everyone turned to look at her. She smiled. ‘Objection sustained. Ursa Carpenter, you are now launching ad hominem attacks at your victim.’

‘No I’m just saying why I felt it was necessary to–‘

‘Objection sustained.‘

Elene looked from the Queen, to Ursa, and back again. Then at her own feet. She took a deep breath. ‘So… clearly she felt that her life was truly in danger. So it was a case of maybe… kill or be killed, like she said? She wouldn’t have known anything about the situation between the Summer Court and Alkahest. And she clearly, obviously feels guilty for what she did.’

She glanced again to Ursa, who gave a vigorous, supportive nod.

‘…And I think it speaks volumes of her character that she’s turned herself in, to try and atone for this,’ concluded Elene. ‘A heroine willing to pay the price for mistakes beyond her control.’

Queen Titania’s eyes, lit from within by the last flashes of a thousand years of sunsets, moved from Elene to Cait-Sìth without a second’s linger on her words. It was the prosecution’s turn.

Cait-Sìth hopped down from his cushions, and began to pace back and forth; the heads of each onlooker following him and his proclamation.

‘So. What I’m hearing, Ursa Carpenter, is that you’re fairly good chums with this Demon you supposedly controlled. You’d only met him a few hours before the incident, and yet you were already buddy-buddy with him? That seems… funny to me.

‘Now. The fact you’ve done this – that is to say, lets control of the situation spiral so far from you that you ended up carrying out a murder – on your very first mission, tells me you’re reckless, and stupid, and rash, and incompetent. Lacking in logical judgement. Coupled with the fact that you threw your lot in with that scumbag Alkahest – and we all know the sort of person he is here in the Summer Court–‘

Ursa couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

‘Wait, before you go off about Alkahest being terrible, I’d only just met him! I didn’t know he was connected to Fae politics, like Elene said! You can hardly judge me by association when I didn’t even know him then!

‘I didn’t realise Montparnasse was there specifically to deal with him either; how could I? He was just the only one out of the two who didn’t try and fuck with my brain! So yeah, I sided with the guy that was nice to me, not the one that was trying to kill me.’

‘So, what, the murderer is saying is that she’s gullible?’ scoffed Cait-Sìth. ‘And she just goes off her immediate impression of someone being nice to her?’

‘Yeah! If someone’s nice to me, I’m more likely to be friends with them. That’s how the world works!’

‘Even if that someone is just doing it to use you for their own ends?’

‘That’s their problem, not mine.’

Where was he going with this? Wasn’t Ursa’s guilt already a given? Why was Alkahest such a hot topic? Fae court didn’t care about getting the right culprit, they cared about getting the best story.

Cait-Sìth met her eyes. He hadn’t looked at the jury – at the audience – once.

He didn’t care about the story. He cared about the truth.

‘Oh, fuck,’ said Ursa, very quietly.

‘How do you know that Alkahest wasn’t using you, then,’ Cait-Sìth continued, ‘To succeed in his mission?’

‘I’m the one who charmed him! He didn’t even get the bones at the end; you know, the whole reason he was there? And anyway, this is nothing to do with him!’

‘You called him your friend. How do we know you weren’t in on it together?’

‘Even if he was my friend at the time – which he wasn’t – would you let your friends just mind-control you? And even if he would, I doubt he was expecting me to say “hey, you’ve got a big mouth. Bite that guy’s head off”!’

‘So you admit there was intent from yourself, there?’

‘I… what part of life or death do you not get?!’

‘What part of incompetent and reckless do you not get?’

Ursa recoiled from this, just slightly. She looked up at Queen Titania, who wore the expression of one watching a boxing match. Was this personal? Insulting her would undermine Cait-Sìth’s case, surely? It was much less likely that she’d be convicted if the whole Summer Court saw her as a blundering incompetent. Especially one being bullied by a cat. Was he trying to twist things round to get both her and Alkahest?

‘I’m not denying that it wasn’t reckless,’ she said, forcing patience. ‘But at the end of the day, if someone’s trying to kill me, I’m not going to just sit there. Yes, I acted rashly. I was a newbie. I still am. We weren’t told the Summer Court was going to be there. And I didn’t know I’d be up against a psychic weirdo!’

‘Montparnasse was well loved by the Summer Court, and even by her majesty Queen Titania herself,’ said Cait-Sìth, with an emphatic nod from Titania taking place far above him. ‘Calling him a “psychic weirdo” is–‘

‘Well, I wish I’d met the version of him that you all seem to remember. Because the guy I met just tried to kill me and my friends a bunch.’

Something about this appeared to resonate among the collected Summer Court. Perhaps because it sounded uncomfortably close to a genuine feeling, and that meant perhaps Ursa’s assessment of Montparnasse wasn’t just an attempt to discredit him. Just perhaps.

‘In that case,’ said Titania, voice a near-whisper that drowned out the rest of the court. ‘Let us move onto our next question. Ursa Carpenter…’

‘You can just call me Ursa.’

‘…What did you think of Montparnasse upon your initial meeting of him?’

Ursa paused to think for a moment. Not about her answer, but about how this question pertained not so much to a murder trial, but more to juicy gossip at a sleepover.

‘Uh, well, he immediately spied into my brain,’ she said. ‘So… uncomfortable?’

‘He was using his gift without sufficient cause, you mean?’

‘Yeah, he sort of implied he couldn’t turn it off? And then he tricked my friends into thinking they were seeing ghosts.’

‘But not yourself?’

‘Oh, no,’ said Ursa, waving her hand. ‘I had special headphones to keep his psionics out. But my friends were pretty shit up.’

This comment got a yowl from Cait-Sìth that may have been the feline equivalent of an “ahem“.

‘So… at the point you murdered him, he wasn’t even a threat to you?’ asked the cat.

Despite the question being rhetorical, Ursa stabbed back with an answer. ‘Oh, no, he was! If he brain-controls my friends to get them to murder me, that’s still a pretty major threat. And he wasn’t only going for me and my friends; he was going to use two human bystanders as hostages!’

There came a frown from Titania’s lighthouse brow. ‘Now, that doesn’t sound very much like Montparnasse. He had turned his back on the Winter Court’s devious methods.’

Ursa was getting a little worked up at all the constant declarations of Montparnasse’s cool-person-status.

‘Well, he seemed quite different to the way you’re describing! And that sucks, because he sounds like a great guy based on what everyone says. But literally the moment I met him he was spying on our thoughts, and being a creep, and eventually just trying to outright kill us! The only reason we survived was because his attempt to control Alkahest failed – he tried to set him on us at the end and get the bones, but Alkahest was already under my charm effect and it didn’t work! If it had we’d all be dead!’

‘It sounds, Ursa Carpenter,’ said Titania, ‘Like you are condemning Montparnasse’s use of mind-altering magic, and yet you openly state that you yourself use the very same type of magic. Does this not sound hypocritical to you?’

‘Well, mine isn’t as strong, and–‘

‘I would like the prosecution and defense to interpret this.’

Ursa bit down on her protests, and turned instead to observe Cait-Sìth. As the cat’s mouth opened, Elene cut in with her own elucidation.

‘Clearly,’ she said, ‘My client has acted as the heroine in this situation. Maybe not… intentionally, but she obviously sensed something was amiss with Montparnasse from the very beginning. As loved as he was, and as well-known and regarded, why would she fabricate a story that painted him as some moustache-twirling caitiff? Why create such an obvious lie?

‘If her account of events actively undermines her own case, then I believe we should accept it as sincere. And if we accept it as sincere, then it becomes clear that Ursa Carpenter was only trying to protect the lives of her friends, and of the mortal bystanders.

‘And if the lives of mortal bystanders were protected – and I hope I’m not being too bold here – then hasn’t she helped the Summer Court avoid a major incident, if one of our own has somehow strayed from the path of heroism? Ursa Carpenter was the only one present that could have prevented him from–‘

‘Elene,’ came Titania’s voice, light and implacable as a cloud blotting out the sun. ‘Are you painting Montparnasse as the villain in all of this?’

Elene’s eyes began to dart around the room. She swallowed, and tried without much luck not to make a cartoonish gulp sound. ‘…No,‘ she said eventually. ‘I’m just… wondering. Could there be something else that had gone awry that is wholly unconnected to Ursa Carpenter? Given that it’s such an apparent change in character for Montparnasse… could there have been something else going on?’

Queen Titania smiled. ‘Ah,’ she said, dragging out the syllable. ‘I had, after all, not a moment ago stated that he had gotten over his Winter Court habits, and I’m sure you wouldn’t imply otherwise to contradict me, would you?’

Elene shook her head vigorously, causing her ears to twist about like she’d been drinking Nesquik. Ursa couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

‘I’m certainly not implying anything of that nature,’ said the rabbitfolk. ‘I’m simply asking for maybe some… consideration. I’m more than aware, my Queen, that he was someone who meant a lot to you. To everyone, and–‘

‘Yes, he was,’ said Titania. It wasn’t clear if she’d intended to interject, or she simply stopped listening. ‘So, Elene, what do you think could this mysterious other factor at play have been, in your opinion?’

‘Could there have been… could he have been manipulated by someone else, to carry out whatever…’ she paused for half a beat, ‘dastardly deeds they had in mind?’

‘Hmm.’ Titania’s brow had creased once more. ‘It would be most troubling if that were the case. Cait-Sìth, you will have to forgive me if I no longer require your response on this facet. A more pressing question comes to mind.’

‘Of course, my Queen,’ said Cait-Sìth.

Titania stared down at the courtroom. ‘Ursa Carpenter,’ she announced.

‘…Hi?’ said Ursa, in a very small voice.

‘Did you see anything at play, while on your assignment, that may have influenced Montparnasse’s behaviour?’

‘Uh. That’s a bit difficult to answer, because, like, I’d never met him beforehand so I just assumed he’d always been an asshole. Um, but, he did seem really freaked out by what was going on in the labyrinth, and the Minotaur it created. Or attracted. At one point he’d gone off with Alkahest and Brian, the manager, and when we’d found him he’d got so freaked out that he wiped his own memory?’

This, Ursa saw, provoked a new reaction from the Queen of the Summer Court. She’d already gotten something of an idea of what Titania was like – regal, self-assured, certain that the respect shown to her was more than deserved – and while there had been a few cracks in her composure, this was something else. Titania almost, almost took a step back from the podium.

Elene’s head was flicking back and forth between Queen and client. That couldn’t possibly be the truth! Montparnasse wasn’t like that! Lying, she wanted to say, will only hurt your case, Ursa!

Instead, she took a bit of, say, conservatorship over Ursa’s defense, and cast Zone of Truth beneath her.

‘Yeah, and him doing so was weird and also just really unhelpful,’ continued Ursa, unaware of the spell and apparently already telling the truth. ‘Because we had no idea what was waiting for us in the labyrinth, and he’d already seen it but he couldn’t tell us anything because he’d removed it from his head. Said it was to preserve his sanity. Which looking back is kinda sus because I saw the minotaur and I’m still sane. I think? Wait, Elene did you just cast…?’

‘Hmm,’ said Titania again, though this time it sounded less a hmm of consideration and more a hmm of derogation. ‘Could this not be the malign influence of the Demon with him? Alkahest?’

Ursa actually laughed. ‘No, no, he doesn’t have any brain powers. He was trying to do some blood magic at the time, but I think it was a bit too tough for him because he hasn’t done it since.’

‘There’s more than one way to influence someone; it needn’t be down to “brain powers”,’ said Titania.

‘Well, I suppose, but he and Montparnasse didn’t really interact all that much. Not that I saw, anyway. I mean I wasn’t watching them 24/7. I know that Alkahest ate some meatballs at some point? I don’t know what Montparnasse was doing then.’

‘You went straight to having lunch with the Demon, then?’

‘What? Ohmygod, no. Come on. I just heard about it from him later. It wasn’t like that.’

Titania leaned down on the podium. ‘You’ve been chatting a lot, then? Perhaps getting your stories straight?’

‘No! God. You can read my texts; we don’t talk about anything like that. Actually maybe you shouldn’t read our texts. But like, there’s–‘

‘Elene?’ said Titania.

Elene straightened up.

‘Could you bring me Ursa Carpenter’s telephone?’

Elene shot a poisonous look at Ursa. But she complied.

‘Oh god,’ said Ursa. ‘Shit. Shit. Uh. Hey, uh, my phone autocorrects Cait-Sìth to, uh, something else, so please ignore that, and uh…’

Titania plucked the phone from Elene’s upstretched hand, and produced something akin to a jeweller’s loupe in her other hand. This she held to one eye as, with a level of finesse that shouldn’t have been possible for a woman of her stature, she scrolled through Ursa’s chatlogs like an entomologist checking if a particular specimen were venomous.

Then she took a breath. ‘Since Ursa Carpenter has so generously offered to let us read her text messages, it should be only fair that both the defense and prosecution get to look as well.’

The phone was passed around, as all of Ursa and Alkahest’s conversations were taken in and analysed. Cait-Sìth in particular’s shoulders grew stiff as he pawed at the screen.

‘Oh, god,’ said Ursa again.

‘That,’ said Elene, still glowering at her, ‘was a very silly thing to suggest.’

‘So I just want to clarify!’ called Ursa, as the murmurs in the courtroom grew loud again. ‘I never actually told Alkahest that I’d charmed him, so he might think–‘

‘Who the fuck is Catshit?’ growled Cait-Sìth.

‘That’s autocorrect, I told you,’ said Ursa, quickly. ‘My phone doesn’t like diacritics. Anyway Alkahest might think he did it but that’s only because he doesn’t know about what exactly the charm was. That’s how, uh, brain stuff works sometimes I think.’

It wasn’t a exactly a lie, but creative hopscotch across the truth wasn’t ideal when addressing Titania, Queen of Earth and Daylight, near-omnipotent ruler of the Summer Fae.

Elene jabbed her in the side.

‘Hey–‘ Ursa began, before realising Elene had just cast a spell on her – powerful magic to Enhance Ability, and hopefully honey her locution. Afterwards, she went back to focusing on her Zone of Truth, which had faded only slightly thanks to the presence of Titania, her deity.

If said deity realised too, said nothing. Elene desperately hoped the Queen hadn’t noticed, feeling her heart beat even faster at her own seditious feelings.

‘So, uh, yeah,’ concluded Ursa.

‘Ursa Carpenter,’ came Titania’s response; slow, deliberate, like a shovel biting into earth. Then, a sudden spilling of a question, almost giddy. ‘How do you feel about bad boys?’

Ursa felt, more than heard, a ‘Bwugh?’ sound come from her throat.

There was a shadchanit smirk on the Queen’s face. ‘Why don’t you tell me about your relationship with Azoth Alkahest.’

Ursa almost began to vibrate. Tell me, the Queen had said. Not tell the court. ‘Um. We. We’re friends? I think? Umm. We just texted a bit, after the Ikea stuff? Ummm. Yeah!!’

Nobody seemed willing to move on and put her out of her misery. So Ursa just kept going. ‘I mean, it’s pretty obvious from my texts that I’m, uh, super into him. And I told him that. And I did kiss him. And then he sent me flowers? But that doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Does it? Do you think he– wait, that’s not relevant is it. I shouldn’t be asking the Queen of Summer Fae for dating advice. Should I? Oh god Zone of Truth is horrible–‘

‘My Queen,’ came Cait-Sìth’s burr, low and menacing. ‘May I offer some thoughts on this new evidence we’ve just received? Putting aside, of course, the badness of any particular boys and the lack of respect shown to myself within?’

‘I don’t see why not,’ replied the Queen. ‘It’s publicly available information, after all – thank you again for your concession, Ursa Carpenter.’

‘I don’t think you said thanks before,’ said Ursa, but mostly under her breath. Elene gave her another jab to the ribs regardless.

The cat was speaking. ‘Looking through this correspondence between Ursa Carpenter and the Demon Azoth Alkahest, I am becoming increasingly certain that I was correct in my initial assessment – that the two are in collaboration with one another. However, what I hadn’t realised, until this point, is that their relationship is not one of strictly business. The business of murdering Summer Court members, that is.’

‘Oh, this is bad,’ muttered Elene. ‘I thought we might have something to use there but he’s turning it back on us–‘

‘Considering that Ursa Carpenter has been lying to us all this time regarding not just the circumstances of Montparnasse’s demise–‘

Elene’s ears twitched. ‘Wait that’s conjecture!’ she said, but nobody was listening. Cait-Sìth continued unabashed.

‘–But also her motivations for her involvement, I am of the opinion that the most fitting punishment for Ursa Carpenter would be not death… but to have her memories of Alkahest, and her other friends, erased from her mind.’

The court went still. Silent.

Queen Titania’s head tilted, just slightly.

‘This is really bad,’ hissed Elene again. ‘It’s poetic and everything.’

Ursa’s mouth had dropped open. ‘…What?’ she said, and her voice was very small.

Titania’s voice was anything but. Though, it had lost some of its regal sharpness, replaced with something closer to a glimmering edge of gleefully witnessed scandal.

‘Ooh,’ she said. ‘That’s juicy.’

She straightened up, fully queenlike once again. ‘An excellent suggestion, Cait-Sìth. I shall add it to the list of outcomes of this trial. With that, shall we move onto character witnesses? I’d like to discuss just how deserving Ursa Carpenter is of a given severity of retribution.’

Ursa felt herself pulled into a huddle with Elene.

‘We’re on the back foot now,’ said the rabbitfolk. ‘The Queen has just picked a particularly Parnassian punishment as the prime possibility; she has a predilection for poetic penalties, and if she prefers a path she’ll pilot the progression of proceedings down her path of preference.’

Ursa actually snapped out of her dread for a second to raise an eyebrow.

‘Apologies,’ added Elene. ‘I alliterate when I’m anxious.’

‘Do we have any ideas on how to change her mind?’

Elene didn’t shrug. She didn’t actually move at all.

‘What about Montparnasse himself, then?’ continued Ursa. ‘Because I swear the guy I met wouldn’t have been this popular. Is there anything we could do, like, magically? To get some answers?’

This got at least a head-tilt from Elene. ‘There is a spell I know. To pull stories from the aether. I can cast it but once. So you’d need to be certain Montparnasse himself would be the right thing to ask about.’

Ursa wasn’t sure. If anything, this whole business was teaching her that being certain was probably a bad thing.

‘Maybe… maybe not Montparnasse, but the thing he was there for?’

‘To keep Alkahest at bay?’

‘No, no. It seemed way more like he wanted the bones himself than just to stop Alkahest…’

There came a bang from behind her. The assembled court turned to see what all the fuss was about. Ursa didn’t bother; hoping that her friends would come kick the door in was wishful thinking, and would only make things harder.

‘Ahem,’ said a voice to the court in general.

Now Ursa did turn, and saw the old woman in the orange shawl from earlier; the one who’d mentioned having ‘surprises in store’. Ursa cringed back in apprehension.

‘Summer Court!’ announced the old woman. ‘My Queen,’ she added, and offered a rickety little curtsy to Titania. ‘There are friends of Ursa Carpenter fighting their way here to the trial!’

What?

The Court seemed to agree with Ursa’s assessment. ‘What?’ came a few mutters.

‘Against who?’

‘What for?’

‘Are we the baddies?’

‘Yes!’ continued the old woman. ‘They have had buildings collapse upon them on their way here. Explosions at service stations! Someone even tipped off a Demon mob boss to their location, and he tried to crush them under some sort of armored pantechnicon!’

‘Good lord!’

‘Explosions?!’

‘What, with like a sofa in the back?’

‘Whatever her story is,’ concluded the old woman, ‘There are those out there fighting tooth and nail to get her back. To rescue her.’

With that, she shot a withering glare at Cait-Sìth and sat down. The murmuring continued all around her.

‘What are they doing, coming after me?’ Ursa didn’t register she’d said it aloud.

Queen Titania took a small breath, and in an instant the Summer Court was silent again. ‘I will have order in my court,’ she said. It wasn’t a command, just a statement of imminent fact. ‘Now. Ursa Carpenter. Who do you believe will tell us who you are?’

⁂

‘Sir, are you absolutely certain there’s nothing the Institute can do?’

Cepheus had gone for a debriefing with Director Brynner after staggering back from his confrontation with Nora, Merlin, and Alkahest on their way out of the city. He’d had to walk slowly after Merlin’s memento–groin-attack.

Brynner was hunched over his desk, fingers steepled, slowly shaking his head in such an understated motion that it almost looked like a tremor. ‘It is quite beyond our remit. Were she still employed here, perhaps there’d be a way. But had she still been employed here it wouldn’t have come to this, would it?’

‘What about Nora and Merlin?’ protested Cepheus. ‘They’re still employed here. Couldn’t we use their presence as an excuse to–‘

‘Therein lies the problem, Cepheus,’ said Brynner, cutting him off. ‘It would be an excuse. One which the Summer Court would absolutely see through.’

Cepheus said nothing. Brynner’s ticking sound as he thought was the only noise in the room.

Then, the sound of a slight breeze parting blades of grass. The colours in the room deepened; a scent of cherries and citrus and sun tan lotion bloomed in the air. Brynner straightened up as, at the very corner of his mahogany desk, a tiny flourish of leaves began to sprout.

‘Your Majesty,’ observed Brynner.

Cepheus scrambled and whipped his head around toward the door, but instead of Queen Titania standing there in the office, he instead saw a little window in the air. It was like a reflection in a shallow pool, and within it, Cepheus could see the inexorable gaze of the Summer Queen.

‘We are about to conduct the “character witness” portion of the trial,’ said Titania, without any preamble. ‘Ursa Carpenter has requested that you speak honestly on your opinion of her.’

Brynner had gotten up from the desk. ‘By all means, use my office,’ he said as he passed Cepheus on his way out. ‘It’s quite within your remit to do so.’

Cepheus blinked at the door as it clicked shut, then turned his attention once more to the scrying window. He couldn’t see Ursa anywhere; Queen Titania seemed to occupy the entire world on the other side. But he had to assume that Ursa would be there, and – for now – safe, and listening.

‘My opinion of Ursa,’ he repeated. ‘Well, uh…’

⁂

Ursa watched as the conjured image of Cepheus began to speak. He kept glancing off to the sides, and shifting uncomfortably in whatever chair he was in.

When Queen Titania had asked her to select someone as a character witness, she’d panicked a bit herself – surely it shouldn’t be up to the defendant to pick someone? Obviously she’d pick someone totally biased toward her innocence, right?

Or was that what the court expected? If she picked someone too obviously on her side, that’d be as good as admitting her guilt! Wouldn’t it?

So, she’d asked for Cepheus, since, as her (former) manager, he could probably be thought of as reliably neutral.

She might have overthought it a little.

‘…but I think she’s a good kid,’ Cepheus was saying. ‘Does her best to get along with people. Owns it and apologises when she messes up. Tries to pay attention to people.

‘Truth be told, I wasn’t entirely sure at first what the Director saw in her. Seemed like she wasn’t, uh, built for this line of work, if you catch my meaning? Not incapable, just… a little green, maybe. Or a little pink.

‘Despite that initial worry, though, she’d been a good member of the team. Wish she hadn’t had to leave in such, er, messy circumstances.’

Cait-Sìth pounced. ‘Could you tell the court a wee bit about said “messy circumstances”? I’d be curious to get your opinion on why she’d turn her back on you all in such a way.’

The image of Cepheus shifted uncomfortably. ‘Well, uhm, I used the word “messy” just because had to quit so suddenly and didn’t even–‘

‘Had to quit, did she?’ said Cait-Sìth. ‘So it’s your opinion she had no choice but to leave your organisation?’

‘I wouldn’t say–‘

‘Do you not think it possible that Ursa Carpenter has been playing the role of the defenseless waif to deceive and manipulate you?’

‘Hey, I never said she was defenseless,’ said Cepheus, his voice growing just a few calories hotter. Cait-Sìth’s needling was working. ‘It’s more that our position as a neutral party is one she might struggle with. She can be stubborn. But so are the rest of the team–‘

‘I’m not asking to debate her incompetence, Mr. Cepheus; that’s quite plain for the court to see without my help.’

At this Elene threw up her hands. ‘Come on, Cait, how can she be both ineptly incompetent and a master manipulator? You’re attacking ad-hominem!’

Her staccato alliteration betrayed how nervous this was making her.

‘Of course she can be both,’ Cait-Sìth said, perhaps a little smugly, or perhaps just like a cat. ‘And it’s a very dangerous combination.’

Cepheus’ image cleared its throat. ‘Is there anything you need my input on?’ he asked, unblinking, after a deep breath. His jaw continued to move of its own accord when he’d finished speaking.

‘Nothing for me,’ said Cait-Sìth, brightly. ‘Though I’d be quite interested to speak to Director Brynner himself if he’s available? I have some questions about his hiring process.’

One of Elene’s feet began to tap out a rhythm on the floor.

Tap-thump, tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap, tap-tap-tap-tap, thump-thump-thump, tap-thump-tap-tap, tap.

Ursa didn’t know Morse code.

With an indulging look from Queen Titania – who presumably did know Morse code – the vision of Cepheus blurred and shifted to the lamps that passed for Director Brynner’s eyes. He’d positioned himself back in his office, Cepheus having excused himself, and now stood with his back to the windowscape he was so fond of so that all of Middlemarch was behind him as he inclined his head slightly.

Ursa hadn’t quite realised until then, but Charlton Brynner had the heart of a showman ticking away in that brass chest of his. Or ticking away somewhere, anyway.

‘I’m honored that you’d consider my opinion worthwhile,’ the Director was saying. ‘What would you like to know?’

Cait-Sìth got right into it. ‘Director Brynner. Could you talk us through your decision to hire Ursa Carpenter, considering our previous speaker already confessed he wasn’t sure why you did, and considering all that’s happened as a result of that decision?’

Brynner didn’t respond.

‘Director Brynner?’ prompted Cait-Sìth.

‘Oh, apologies,’ said the Director. ‘I wasn’t sure if you were finished.’

‘I was.’ The cat’s voice was impatient. His tail lashed back and forth.

‘Good,’ said Brynner. ‘I wouldn’t want to be interrupted.’

Cait-Sìth said nothing.

‘Now,’ continued Brynner, ‘I hired Ursa Carpenter after an incident led to her being exposed to Institute field work and she displayed a surprising aptitude for it. Obviously as a Changeling, she was already aware of the Caliber Institute, but knew little of the sort of duties we hold beyond our bureaucratic roles in immigration to the Fuclrum and the like.

‘She has an ability to think on her feet, and talk her way into and out of things. She does her best to find peaceable solutions to challenging situations where such solutions may not be immediately apparent. She’s stubborn enough to stand by her beliefs.

‘But beyond that, she has showed an ability to befriend and work with members of the Institute that had previously been considered “difficult” at best. The reason I hired her is that I believe she is something of a “secret ingredient” that brings out the best in many of the Institute’s other assets.’

Cait-Sìth’s tail still moved like a metronome. ‘It sounds like you have quite the considerable bias toward her,’ he observed.

‘I’d have such a bias towards anyone I’d hire.’

‘So you’re just talking up your employees, then.’

Brynner’s eyes flickered in mock bemusement. ‘But Ursa isn’t an employee of the Institute.’

Ursa’s vision had begun to wobble a little. She’d been totally unprepared for that; thinking more that Brynner would be… what? Angry? Cold? She wiped at her eyes.

‘If there’s nothing else for now from Cait-Sìth,’ said Elene, seizing the opportunity. ‘I just have one question for Director Brynner. Would you say that, despite the “messy” circumstances we’re all aware of, Ursa Carpenter – having captured the hearts and minds of your Institute employees – is a good person?’

Ursa finally met Brynner’s eye, though she knew he couldn’t actually see her in the courtroom. If he’d had a mouth, he might have been smiling.

‘Unequivocally.’

⁂

The car had been left behind to pullulate parking tickets on the side of the road. They’d triangulated the trial’s location by how green Merlin’s face became with whatever mana-sickness was afflicting him.

Now, Merlin, Nora, and Alkahest stood before a door.

Nora produced the key that the old woman had dropped.

In unison, the three took a breath.

⁂

The done thing, in a quiet room, is to observe that you “could have heard a pin drop”.

The thing is, though, that a pin hitting the floor does have quite a distinctive sound; a kind of resonant ping that stands apart from voices or the general shuffle and tamp of human life. There are lots of rooms where you’d easily hear a pin drop.

There are also times when a dropping pin creates a quiet room instead, particularly if said pin was formerly in something like a grenade. Or if it’s not a pin but a PIN, and the room in general is comfortable with fraud.

To clarify: you don’t need silence for a tiny sound to stand out; not if it’s important enough.

There came a click from the door at the rear of the court.

Ursa spun as a hush bloomed across the collected Fae, and saw the door booted open by a Demon in black and white.

He marched into the courtroom and pulled a shotgun from his jacket – white leather, damn, thought Ursa. Flanking him on either side were Nora and Merlin.

Nora had her usual expression of determined impassivity, while Merlin’s face held a mix of red fury and green queasiness that sort of made him look like a mango.

Ursa couldn’t believe it. She couldn’t believe they were actually here.

Cait-Sìth skidded into the rescuers’ path.

‘What do you think you’re doing, barging into–‘

Alkahest didn’t break stride. The blast from his shotgun sent the cat flying backwards toward the podium, though it picked itself up immediately afterwards without so much as a trickle of blood.

‘Let her go,’ said Alkahest. To Queen Titania.

‘She is on trial, Azoth Alkahest.’

‘Alright then.’

With that, Alkahest shot forwards with his open mouth full of shadows, and seemed to turn inside out, becoming a dark silhouette in the air that flew upwards towards Titania’s face, swords drawn.

And bounced. He was swatted downwards, though Queen Titania didn’t even move. The glassy floor cracked under the impact. What lay there was Alkahest’s regular, humanoid body.

‘No no no,’ said Ursa, and reached out with her magic to try and send a Healing Word to him. He’d come all this way, he couldn’t die, not now, not like this.

The magic didn’t come. Ursa remembered that her magic was sealed away, and slowly it dawned on her that throughout all of this, she’d been in her Changeling base form. Grey skin. White hair. Blank eyes.

She suddenly felt, despite being less colourful than ever, almost as big and noticeable as Titania herself. She tried to burrow down in her seat.

Merlin and Nora were at her side. They didn’t seem to care that – for a Changeling – she was the equivalent of naked.

‘We’re here to bring you back,’ said Nora. She nodded towards the dazed Alkahest. ‘Him too, I suppose.’

‘I didn’t think you’d follow me,’ said Ursa. It took her a few tries.

Merlin snorted. ‘You didn’t make it easy to. What were you thinking?’

‘I… I had a plan. Didn’t want anyone to, uh…’

Merlin was staring up at her. ‘I already told you, us misfits have got to stick together.’

Ursa’s throat didn’t want to work, so she stayed silent.

Queen Titania had leaned across the podium, and began to speak in the direction of the Demon she’d just deflected in the air.

‘You make demands of the Queen of Earth and Daylight?’ she said, voice the first spark before a wildfire. ‘You arrived unbidden and univited, you kick down the door of my trialgrounds, you engage in a direct assault on my prosecution, and then you have the audacity to make demands of me?!’

With each word, the pressure that seemed to be weighing down on Alkahest grew heavier and heavier. He could no longer lift his head.

‘I will have order in my court.’

Alkahest’s bones began to crack.

‘My Queen!’

It was Elene’s voice. The leporine lawyer’s ears were flat, but she stood up from her seat. ‘These three are valuable character witnesses for this section of the trial. If you would permit it, I’d like to interview each of them?’

The Queen didn’t react, though Alkahest seemed to remain intact for now.

Another voice joined Elene’s, from the back. ‘They have been through quite a trial themselves to get here! It would be… anticlimactic to turn them away.’

Merlin practically did a spit take, which was worrying considering the sickness in his face. ‘You!’ he cried, pointing a finger at the old woman with the orange shawl. ‘You tried to fucking kill us! You dropped a cinema on us!!’

This prompted a bit of shuffling about in the stands, and an outburst from the feline prosecution. ‘Wait, wait,’ said Cait-Sìth, arching his back. ‘Mrs. Levitt. Did you set up obstacles for their story of reaching here, just to undermine my case?!’

It was very quiet for a moment. If one rolled high enough on a perception check, it might have just been possible to hear the old woman mutter ‘That’s right, you little bastard.’

‘Very well,’ said Queen Titania, silencing the apparent feud. ‘But the new arrivals are to act properly as members of the trial. They will speak when addressed, and behave themselves otherwise. Until called for, they will sit down.’

Merlin and Nora found themselves compelled into chairs near Ursa, with Merlin’s nausea suddenly receding now he was here on the Queen’s permission. Alkahest stayed in his little crater, but at least no longer seemed to be experiencing invisible weight.

Elene waited to see if Titania had any further edicts, then turned to Ursa’s rescuers. ‘So! If the, er, Human could give us a brief word on her opinion of Ursa Carpenter first?’

‘What?’ said Nora. ‘Oh. Now?’

Elene nodded approvingly.

Nora slowly got back to her feet. ‘She’s… better to work with than most people.’ She sat back down.

Elene blinked a few times. Her voice was perhaps a bit manic. ‘And…. the Gnome, then?’

Merlin’s voice was steadier. ‘Ursa’s my friend. She’s always insisted that she was, even when I was just doing web design for her. She’s stubborn like that. I think, usually when someone’s so obstinate about a particular label like “friends”, it either means they’re faking it or being totally sincere. And I used to think she was faking it.’

He walked around to the front of the court, where he could see Ursa along with the assembled Fae. ‘I realised over the course of us working together that she wasn’t insincere. When she handed herself in, I realised – based on how angry I was – how much I value that friendship. Plus it wasn’t even her, it was Alkahest.’

‘Merlin!!’ Ursa shrieked.

Nora raised a hand. ‘Yeah I’ll back that up actually. It’s all his fault and she’s taking the fall for him.’

‘Nora!!’

Queen Titania glowered at them. She almost seemed… disappointed. ‘And why do you think Ursa Carpenter would do that?’

Merlin and Nora both spoke at once.

‘Because she’s an idiot.’

‘Because she has shit taste.’

Elene cleared her throat. ‘Then… one last question. We’ve learned that the two of you met Montparnasse as well. What was your opinion of him?’

Again, a simultaneous response.

‘He was an asshole,’ said Merlin.

‘Just a real piece of shit,’ said Nora.

Elene nodded, then hefted her aluminium baseball bat. She addressed the court at large. ‘I believe that Ursa Carpenter, considering all we know of her character and behaviours, is indeed taking the fall here for another!’

‘Elene, no!‘ hissed Ursa.

‘But!’ continued Elene, ‘I don’t believe that the one responsible here is Azoth Alkahest, as the prosecution would have you believe! Remember how Ursa Carpenter’s picture of Montparnasse is entirely different to all of ours? And now the others corroborate it. She is being framed. There is more at play! And I will show you.’

She swung her bat at the floor. It struck, emitting a humming resonance like fingers on the rim of a wineglass, and Elene held it up to cast Legend Lore.

The humming resolved into a voice.

‘The labyrinthine bones are an engine of what’s to come, honed and held to the Fulcrum’s throat. The Tenth Muse will suck the marrow from them, and in doing so she promises that tomorrow will belong to those who stand beside her. Already, one with a mind of melted snow has been made martyr for her cause.‘

Cait-Sìth spat. ‘Meaningless prophecy. What’s that got to do with anything?!’

‘A mind of melted snow,’ repeated Titania. She was leaning over the podium again, only now with a bright, eager light in her eyes. ‘Azoth Alkahest. You will tell us what happened with Montparnasse.’

‘Yeah, I guess I will,’ said Alkahest. He’d managed to sit up, but was still on the floor. ‘So… I went to look for some bones based on a tip from a friend. I arrived to find Montparnasse also sniffing around for them. He eventually tried to charm me into killing the others there, but lucky for me Ursa had already charmed me into chilling out a little. Not sure what with.

‘Weird how her milder spell stood up to his, but hey. Once he moved to attack some vanilla mortals, Ursa had to drop the spell on me to freeze him, so I tore the guy’s head off with my teeth. Does that about sum it up?’

There was a hissing from Cait-Sìth. ‘I knew it! I knew you were responsible!’ There might still have been some buckshot in his fur.

By then, Alkahest had finally gotten back up to his feet. ‘Yeah, I never said I wasn’t so no prizes there. You guys already sent shit to come kill me, anyway, so why are we even still discussing this?’

‘Because I want to know why, Azoth Alkahest!’ said the Queen. Ursa might have expected such words to be angry – especially considering Titania’s reaction so far – but instead, she sounded more like she was goading him.

Alkahest met the Queen’s eyes.

‘I did it to save her life. I’m not willing to let her throw that away. Because I love her.’

Ursa practically yelped. Despite the seelie seal on her magic, she felt herself turning pink again.

‘So,’ said the Queen of Earth and Daylight, stepping away from her podium to tower over the little Demon like a wickerman. ‘You disrupt my court. You bring violence to my subjects. You undermine the whole reason for us being here. All to make a declaration of your “love”?’

There was a slam.

Titania had sat on the floor, cross-legged. ‘Damn it, Alkahest, you utter bastard,’ she said. ‘You’ve already done way too much shit to pull a stunt like this and get away with it. Fuck. What do I even fucking say to that, you shit?’

Alkahest wobbled a bit, but stayed upright. The collected Summer Fae glanced among themselves, unsure of where things stood.

‘My Queen, kill him!’ shouted a sulfurous Cait-Sìth. ‘He killed Montparnasse, he admits it! Someone has to be held accountable!!’

Suddenly Ursa’s voice was working again. ‘Then… then it’s whoever made the bones, not us!’

Queen Titania slipped back into her regal composure for a moment, even sat as he was like a child at assembly. ‘Elene.’

‘Yes, my Queen?’

‘Do you have it within you to Speak with Dead for us?’

‘Yes, my Queen.’

With a flourish from her bat, the room dimmed and shadows deepened. With Queen Titania’s power in the air, no earthly remains were necessary – a spectral figure lingered in the air between Ursa and Elene.

(Or perhaps the spell had found Montparnasse’s head as a focus, if it was still somehow in Alkahest’s shadow-stuff. Probably not though.)

Queen Titania leaned toward the shade’s glow like an anglerfish. ‘Dear, sweet, departed Montparnasse… I have a question for you. Were you working entirely within my interests when you were searching for the bones?’

The spirit of Montparnasse shimmered. Shivered. His voice drifted into the room. ‘I…’ it began.

Its head looked down with the barest hint of eyes. It floated above Elene’s Zone of Truth.

It struggled. Tried to stay silent. But the two spells together, plus the presence of a being on Titania’s level, were much too strong for a mere shade to withstand.

‘No,’ it said.

‘Where were you going to take them?’

The shade of Montparnasse looked up towards its Queen. Tried again to do anything but answer. Flickered in place, like it would discorporate entirely if it could and cease to be, rather than answer this question.

‘…Lopodite,’ it said.

Titania closed her eyes like she’d received a diagnosis.

The shade screamed. Then, it did discorporate.

‘Montparnasse is posthumously banished from the Summer Court,’ announced Titania, getting up in full Queenly wrath. ‘He is excommunicated. And he is never to be spoken of again on pain of following in his footsteps.’

She turned down to address Ursa and her cavalry. ‘As for you. Calling upon true love as a defense is bold, even for one such as you, Azoth Alkahest. I would see you prove your conviction.’

Ursa felt herself lifted into the air. Her hands were growing a little Back-to-the-Future. ‘Uh,’ she tried to say.

Queen Titania was still talking. ‘There is something of a ritual in Changeling culture. One wishing to court another must find each of their potential partner’s personae in the world, and must gain their blessing before any union can proceed. It’s an archaic custom, but then, so are claims of true love.’

Alkahest spun to see the fading Ursa. Their eyes met.

‘I would assist you, Azoth Alkahest,’ continued the Queen. ‘I shall place Ursa Carpenter’s personae in the world around us. Find them, and prove your love is true. Other participants of this trial, you may help or hinder as you see fit. You have one hour.’

Her hand lashed out and struck the massive bell.

Ursa vanished. Alkahest had already sprinted from the room, the bass echo of the bell following in his wake.

⁂

By the time Merlin and Nora caught up with him, Alkahest had resorted to licking random objects to try and taste if they were important to his search. He had his tongue on the keypad of a cash machine as they approached.

‘Ugh. No!’ he said, then ran over to lick a lamp post, grimacing again at the whole unsanitary experience.

‘Do you… need help?’ Nora hazarded.

‘If not we won’t force you,’ said Merlin.

They’d had a brief discussion on whether they could just leave Alkahest to get destroyed by Titania, now that Ursa was apparently off the hook. In the end they’d come to help because, should the Demon die, the car ride home with Ursa would probably be a bit akward.

‘I’m freakin’ out, you guys!’ yelled Alkahest. ‘Gods I don’t even know how many personae she’s got!’

‘You sound like a bad potential partner,’ observed Merlin.

‘I know!‘ Alkahest said. He spotted, off to the side of the pavement, what appeared to be some dog poo with a footprint in it. Gingerly, he stuck out his tongue and braced himself.

There was a slap across his face.

He looked down at Merlin, who’d leapt up two whole feet to hit him. ‘Ow. Okay, uh, I probably needed that. Thanks.’

Merlin slapped him again.

‘Ow! I’m okay already, jeeze!’

After about half a second, Nora gave him a slap as well.

‘Nora!’ said Alkahest. ‘What was that one for!?’

Nora thought for a moment. ‘Teambuilding,’ she said.

Alkahest rubbed at his cheek. ‘Alright. Well. I figure if I can find regular Ursa, she can tell us about the others?’

‘I’ll see if I can find them with her IP,’ said Merlin, pulling out his laptop. ‘I assume they all have channels and that they all upload off the same one.’

‘Will they be on this world’s internet?’

Another voice joined them. ‘The Queen has inserted them into the world. They’ll be here.’

It was Elene. She rested her baseball bat on one shoulder. ‘I came to help. Didn’t you find any yet? You only have 45 minutes left.’

‘I know that,’ growled Alkahest.

‘I can Locate Creature,’ offered Elene. ‘Though it would only find her base form, I think.’

‘No that’s great!’

The four of them took off running.

⁂

Cait-Sìth waited outside the café with Ursa inside. He could see her through the window, alone, typing away at a laptop covered with stickers. She seemed to be in a bit of a fugue state. It didn’t matter.

As long as the Demon couldn’t get to her.

In fact, here he was now, with the Gnome and the Human – and Elene – in tow.

‘Alright, stop right fucking there or I’m gonna do worse than a fucking shotgun,’ said Cait-Sìth.

Alkahest kept sprinting towards the café. The others, though, slowed a little. The Human pulled a gun.

‘Alright! You wanna fucking go then?!’

Alkahest did indeed want to go. ‘Can you guys keep him busy?!’ he shouted.

Cait-Sìth snarled. He prepared to shapeshift; a bear or a dire wolf or some Holocene lion, something that would snap the Demon in two before he could–

An explosion detonated in Cait-Sìth’s side, and Alkahest simply leapt over him and threw open the door to the café, bolting inside.

Cait-Sìth made to pursue, but another Firebolt hit him, this time from Nora instead of Merlin. At least Elene didn’t seem to be attacking, though she stood to one side, ready to support the other two with healing magic.

With ears flat and tail straight up, Cait-Sìth called on his strongest reserves of magic and cast a spell.

A swirling mass of water suddenly burst forth from the cracks in the pavement flags, and began to roil around in a terrible Maelstrom. It swept over Nora and Merlin, both of whom were sent flying from their feet and washed away like spiders round a plughole. The tide of the Maelstrom rose as Cait-Sìth forced more power into it.

Elene’s bat came out, as she held on to a nearby railing, and Nora caught hold. Merlin, too, had managed to get a grip on a lamp post.

‘If my laptop has gotten wet, I swear,’ he muttered.

He stretched out his fingers, watching the tattoos on his arms flash and ripple. They were healing remarkably well; it must have been the magic. Couldn’t have been because he’d been taking care of it, not after the day he’d had.

A massive With Bolt, of the same calibre as the one he’d almost killed Alkahest with, exploded from his hand and hammered into Cait-Sìth.

The waters receded. Cait-Sìth flew back toward the café window, but escaped through one of his little green portals before he could collide with it and get shredded in the glass.

All of this was going on outside while Alkahest slammed both hands down at Ursa’s table. The rest of the café was magically empty, probably thanks to Titania.

She looked up at him vaguely, then her eyes focused.

‘Ursa!’ said Alkahest, frantically. ‘Ursa, do you know who I am?’

‘What? Yeah of course. What’s going on out–‘

‘There isn’t time! I need your blessing, like the Queen said!’

Ursa’s attention shifted back to him, and she smiled. ‘Of course you have my blessing,’ she said. Her cheeks flushed a little. ‘Should we… kiss?’

‘Mm, better not,’ said Alkahest. ‘I just licked quite a few cash machines.’

‘…What?’

‘There’s no time, Ursa! Your other personae – I’m 99% sure Abadallion is you, but how many–‘

The urgency caught on. ‘Oh. Yeah! Abadallion is one! Look for, uh… abandoned buildings? Overgrown ones? And then there’ll be Saubra, who you can probably find in a gym?’

Her hands had grown translucent.

‘Oh damn,’ she said, more calmly than expected. ‘I was hoping I could–‘

Ursa vanished.

⁂

Outside, Merlin had found a recent upload on a YouTube channel belonging to one Abadallion. It had been in a hollowed-out building with a view of the Thames and several distinctive buildings, so they’d been able to figure out the location pretty handily. They were on the way now.

Nora’s brow was furrowed. When Alkahest had told them the names of the other personae, “Saubra” had prickled some sense of familiarity in her mind, but she just couldn’t quite place it yet.

‘Oh shit, look,’ said Alkahest. They were actually pretty close to the houses of parliament, and had come to the remains of a dinky little building that had apparently burned down. Inside, a darkly-clad figure stood with their head down.

Heedless of how it might look, Alkahest skidded down the path they were on and ran right up to the figure. There were only 20 minutes left.

‘Abadallion?!’ he tried.

The figure’s head stayed bowed, but their eyes took him in. ‘Mhmm?’ they said.

‘I, uh… I need your blessing. For Ursa?’

‘We’ve discussed it, yes,’ said Abadallion. ‘Go ahead.’

‘Oh,’ said Alkahest. It had gone more easily than expected. ‘Thank you?’

‘Mhmm. Thanks for the pipes, by the way.’

Abadallion vanished.

Alkahest climbed from the building’s shell, and jogged on the spot as he spoke. ‘Okay, so, we just gotta–‘

‘Saubra!!’ said Nora, quite suddenly. ‘I remember now!’

⁂

They ran west, away from the river. Nora explained as they went.

‘My sister is a bit of a health nut. And she sends me videos and things. And one time, a few months back, she sent this one by – I think – Ursa’s persona Saubra. It was about some “hot yoga with fermented tea” fad. And there was a gym that did that, and wrestling classes in the same room?’

It sounded totally made up. But, sure enough, the four soon arrived at a sign that read:

Kombucha-Lucha

Merlin’s fist clenched. ‘Why hadn’t I heard of this…?’ he mumbled.

‘I’m going in,’ said Alkahest.

Inside, instead of the usual staff at reception, there was a tall woman with tanned skin and a boxer’s physique.

‘Saubra?’ asked Alkahest.

‘You,’ said Saubra.

‘…Hi. I am indeed me, and have been for quite some time.’ Alkahest found himself returning to his habit of talking like a sardonic prick. He knew he was nervous, but come on.

Saubra slammed her elbow down on the reception desk, and held her hand open. ‘Come on then, if you want a blessing.’

‘Arm wrestling? Seriously?’

Saubra just kept on holding out her arm.

He approached her, then paused. ‘No,’ he said, slowly. ‘I’ve literally just made the decision that I don’t need to resort to force at the first hurdle. And Ursa was the one who helped me realise that. If I try to beat you, I’d be ignoring what I learned from her.’

Saubra was smiling.

‘You can’t get someone’s approval by force, anyway,’ said Alkahest. ‘Fuck, that was the test, wasn’t it?’

‘Sort of. I did kinda want to hurt your hand because you were talking like a sarcastic asshole who’s too cool to take things seriously. You know that’s why she didn’t like you at first, right?’

‘She didn’t like me at first?’

‘You can have my blessing. And she’s going to kiss you properly next time, so brush your teeth.’

Saubra vanished.

⁂

The bass peal of the bell rang out again, and Ursa stood intact before Alkahest. She ran up and threw her arms around him. He squeezed her back.

‘That was… uh, that was the Verslovian ritual,’ said Ursa.

‘I’m glad you’re okay,’ said Alkahest.

‘No, I mean. This is important. It’s like… it’s like an engagement thing.’

‘Oh,’ said Alkahest, turning to take her back to the others, and then the car, and then eventually, home. ‘…Is it too soon for that?’